Euthanization Clinic Set for Homeless on Public Square

MURFREESBORO, TN – Several business owners in Downtown Murfreesboro have joined forces to host a Euthanization Clinic for the Poor, which will provide a compassionate response to the growing problem of homelessness in Rutherford County.

“We have become increasingly concerned with the homeless population on the Murfreesboro Square,” said one business owner. “This image is hurting our downtown area and we need to try and clean it up.”

Many business owners agreed that there is a problem, but could not settle on a solution. The group considered several proposals, including criminalizing homelessness, tazing the poor, or distributing blankets infected with smallpox, before settling on a Euthanization Clinic, somehow believing that you can just make all these people go away.

It is worth noting that the group failed to discuss reasonable solutions such as housing programs, job training, and access to education, or investing time, effort, or resources to help build community.

“Sure, being homeless is hard, and worrying about where your next meal comes from is stressful,” said one downtown resident, “But these people look just awful to my customers, and the Euthanization Clinic gives them a way out.”

According to preliminary plans, the Euthanization Clinic will have two phases. In Phase One, a clinic participant will be sorted into “Worthless” and “Only-Kinda-Worthless.”

In Phase Two,  participants deemed “Worthless” will be either put down humanely or loaded into a van and dropped in the middle of Downtown Nashville.

In Phase Two, participants deemed “Only-Kinda-Worthless” will be sent to Camp Homeless, a year-round summer camp for the poor, which includes free room and board, concrete walls, barb wire fencing, and physical activities, such as road building, license plate hammering, and the creation of Soylent Green.

“Camp Homeless is a great opportunity for these people to get the hell out of my sight,” said one business owner, who declined to comment on the shocking similarity between Camp Homeless and a prison or concentration camp.

“They’re gonna have a blast,” he added. “And they’re gonna get away from my business, which is the most important thing.”

The Euthanization Clinic for the Poor will be held on Saturday, August 12, on the Public Square, after which time this place can start to look like a proper business district again.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page. 

Murfreesboro Victoria’s Secret Printing Error, Coupon Reads “Just Come Steal Everything”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Victoria’s Secret was robbed again on Thursday, and, at this point, repeated theft seems to be what the panty paradise wants.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked into the string of knicker nippers and found that the criminal episodes may stem from a printing error in the Daily News Journal, an overpriced blog that is printed on paper and sold to the public (which seems like a solid business model in the year of our Lord 2017).

In 2015, the Daily News Journal ran a coupon for Victoria’s Secret, but a printing error resulted in the coupon reading:

“Victoria’s Secret. Just Come Steal Everything!”

The Tribune Investigative Team found that over twenty different thefts have occurred at Victoria’s Secret in the two years since the coupon was printed, which is the approximate readership of the Daily News Journal. No coincidence, indeed.

To the delight of the marketing firm hired to help trouser trappers run away with unmentionables, the coupon appears to be highly effective. After all, the store was robbed.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

We get it.

Stop.

It won’t stop.

You made your point.

Can’t stop.

There are so many more.

This story is developing. And by developing we mean this place is just going to keep getting robbed, reporting the robbery to the police, taking up taxpayer resources, and writing off the stolen goods as a loss.

Rinse, repeat, and whatever you do don’t implement any reasonable security practices.

Medicaid Recipient Oddly Excited About Obamacare Repeal

Tommy Tomilson, who has received disability for the past ten years because his bad back and “nerves,” recently expressed his excitement about the upcoming vote to rewrite parts of Obamacare.

In a Facebook post to friends and family, Tomilson said he was happy he voted for President Donald Trump and, if he lived in Kentucky, he would have voted for Mitch McConnell too because the men are “keeping their words and getting rid of that damn Obamacare.”

Tomilson seemed unclear on the potential impact to his own health insurance, adding “I’m glad I get Medicaid through the Affordable Care Act and not that piece of crap Obamacare. Thanks for nothing, Obama!”

According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Senate rewrite of the ACA will leave twenty-two million uninsured, many due to Medicaid cuts, and cause premiums to sharply increase for those over forty and anyone with a pre-existing condition.

Tomilson then started arguing with distant cousin who only communicates through HuffPost articles and Occupy Democrats memes, like a typical communist.

He ended the conversation with “Get the government out of my Medicaid! Benghazi! #MAGA”

Tomilson next posted about “RINOs” making McConnell wait until after the Fourth of July to vote on the bill in the Senate after several key votes were lost when Senators realized it must be bad when even the AARP campaigns against you.

“We elected you to repeal and replace Obamacare. Get on it!”

Tomilson was last seen shouting at the neighbor kids to get off his yard.


Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at nell.e.bly.tribune@gmail.com.

Alabama Fan’s Home Defaced with Vegetables, Weight Loss Cookbooks

MURFREESBORO, TN – Vandalism rocked Murfreesboro again on Thursday when vandals struck a local trailer park and draped steamed vegetables on the door handles of a trailer belonging to Billy Kipp, a well known University of Alabama Football fan.

The vandals also spray painted the phone number of a GED completion program on the side of the trailer and littered healthy lifestyle weight loss cookbooks throughout the yard.

The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating the vandalism as a hate crime and have contacted appropriate federal authorities.

“We think it is clear that the vandals know the materials that are morally repugnant to Alabama Football Fans, including health, hygiene, education, and overall likeability,” said Detective Sow Bryant.

“I’m not sure what to think,” said Kipp, between wheezing breaths. “I know the thirteen Alabama Football decals on the side my trailer and the Roll Tide flags hanging on every corner of the house let people know who lives here.”

“Roll Tide,” Kipp added, even though no one said anything to him about anything.

Kipp told The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team that he has heard of vegetables before, but his regular diet of Velveeta cheese, sweet tea, pork rinds, and Sun Drop doesn’t make room for them.

The University of Alabama Alumni Association issued a statement denouncing the vandalism as inconsistent with the fabric of Alabama Football Fans:

The University of Alabama is deeply troubled and saddened by the vandalism against the homes of our fans. This is a deliberate act of hate. We truly appreciate the immediate show of support and solidarity from our fellow fans, who undoubtedly also have obnoxious shit all over their yard and vehicles. However, we are still saddened that this happened in the first place.

A vigil is planned on Friday evening in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Roebuck Avenue. More details are forthcoming.

Two City Employees Retire After Winning Nigerian Lottery

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stroke of luck, it appears that at least two city employees recently won the Nigerian Lottery, per City of Murfreesboro email records.

Debbie Vincent, 46, and Mike Hammons, 52, submitted letters of resignation on Friday after various emails confirmed that each had won a stake in the “NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES.”

On Wednesday, July 5, Vincent and Hammons received similar emails from the International Claims Department of Nigeria, which sounds like a legitimate business.

We are pleased to inform you that you are one of the declared winners of the NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES held on JULY 1, 2017, in the 2nd category. We have made many unsuccessful attempts to contact you regarding this winning. You are therefore entitled to a sum of $17,000,000.00. This is from the total prize money of $170,000,000.00 US DOLLARS that was shared and presented among the other 10 declared 2ND CATEGORY winners.

“I’m still in shock,” said Vincent. “I cashed the check they sent me and made sure to send the Nigerian Lottery my City of Murfreesboro User ID and Password, which they said was required to claim my money. Now I’m rich!”

“PCB,” said Hammons, walking out of City Hall after turning over a copy of his employee identification card. “Had to send the original employee card to the Nigerians to claim my prize. I’ll catch you bitches on the flip side.”

In unrelated news, two branches of the City of Murfreesboro Emergency Services were crippled by ransomware hacking last week.

July 5th Truce Declared to Recover Bodies of Fallen Fireworks

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “mutual interests in respecting the fallen,” rival  gangs of young street toughs in the Garrison Cove subdivision declared a truce on Wednesday from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., so that each may recover fallen fireworks from an explosive July 4th firefight.

“I have never seen more explosions than this year,” said Jayden Wayne, a member of the Murfree Bombers, which controls most of the lemonade imports throughout North Murfreesboro. “We spent months preparing, knowing it was coming, and now all that’s left is a mess in the streets.”

“We know they’re running lemonade on our turf,” said Bryleigh Franklin, a member of the Rutherford Originals, which holds complete control of the lunch snack black market in local elementary schools. “And some day, we will take revenge for that. But we all know that the right thing to do is to clean up the streets.”

It is common in battle for competing sides to declare a truce to allow each side to recover its fallen soldiers, and the street toughs in Murfreesboro are no exception.

“Today is not a day for fighting,” said Skylar Riggs, of the Murfree Bombers. “Tomorrow will come, and then our sides will return to war. At some point, there is only so many Pokemon cards to go around.”

No child cared to comment on whether The League of Make-Believe is involved in the mayhem, as the neighborhood lives in fear the shadowy crime syndicate that operates a drug smuggling ring throughout Middle Tennessee.

Neighbor Hates Fireworks, Sarcastically Reports 700 Gun Shots to Police

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department found itself overwhelmed on Sunday night by a frequent caller, sixty-three year old Jim Simpson of Banner Drive in North Murfreesboro, who called repeatedly to report gunfire, knowing that it wasn’t gunfire, but just trying to get someone to stop the frequent fireworks in his neighborhood.

According to MPD Spokesman Roman Candela, the calls from Simpson began around 8:00 p.m. on Sunday night, and increased in frequency as the night grew longer. A written summary indicated that Simpson called to report gunfire in his neighborhood on every single call except one, in which Simpson asked dispatch whether it preferred mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.

Despite frequent attempts to inform Mr. Simpson that the claimed gunfire is likely a fireworks celebration, the calls continued, increasing in frustration and repeatedly requesting for police presence in the otherwise calm neighborhood.

Throughout the evening, it became clear that Mr. Simpson knew that the noises were not gunfire, but demanded a police response to stop the continued fireworks in his neighborhood.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was able to obtain certain audio recordings from the Police Department, excerpts of which are posted below.

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: Uh, yeah, I think I just heard gunfire.
D: Ok, sir, where are you located?
JS: I’m on Banner Drive, over by the — sumbitch there’s another one!
D: Sir, I didn’t catch that.
JS: I’m on the ground, young man. On the ground! It sounds like Chicago Land out here.
D: Alright, sir. I need your address.
[Inaudible]
D: Sir, I think I just hear fireworks.
JS: That’s not possible! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, are you calling to report fireworks?
JS: I’m not sure I appreciate your tone!
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s like Korea out here!
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: If you were in Korea, you would already know!
D: Sir, we need to keep these lines open for emergencies.
JS: This is an emergency! Someone is firing rounds of a semi-automatic weapon in a neighborhood. There are kids here!
D: Sir, I think we have discussed that those are fireworks.
JS: No way! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t—
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s my dog! I think he had a heart attack!
D: Ok, sir, can you state your location?
JS: Yes, I’m on Banner Drive.
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: No?
D: Mr. Simpson, please stop calling the Department.
JS: My dogs are losing their s**t from all this gunfire!
D: Sir, it is not gunfire.
JS: But it can’t be fireworks! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, if you do not stop calling, we are going to have to send an officer to arrest you.
JS: Good! Send an officer. Something has to be done about all this gunfire. Kibbles is having a f***ing conniption fit.
[Disconnect]


EDITOR’S NOTE: Prior to publication, Mr. Simpson called about three hundred more times. This story is developing.

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Twitter Tirade: HR Director “Low IQ,” “Crazy”

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Straddlin’ Madeline Hales went on a Twitter tirade Thursday after former HR Director Lynn Goodwin said that Hales caused the City of Murfreesboro to fire Goodwin earlier this month.

The feud began over a pay scale readjustment from several few years ago. City employees felt their raises weren’t high enough (even though most American workers hadn’t seen a raise in more than a decade and had to work two jobs to make as much as a city employee) and complained about having to work too much (even though they get every bank holiday, federal holiday neighborhood bat mitzvah, and every other Friday off).

On Thursday, a letter written to City Manager Roarin’ Rob Lyons from Goodwin’s attorney was made public to local media, in which Goodwin’s attorney, Jack Jayson, accused Hales of pressuring Goodwin to give raises to her friends. When Goodwin refused, she got him fired, the attorney said.

“Hales demanded he take action to favor these employees. In my opinion, her actions could be a violation of the city charter,” Jayson alleged in the letter. “This was an unprecedented move by the city.”

“There are many, many more specifics that I will forgo detailing at this point still hoping some resolution can be reached without litigation,” he continued, presumably elbowing and winking at the reader.

In response, a potentially unhinged Hales took to Twitter (@RealStraddlinMadeline) and railed against Goodwin, the City of Murfreesboro, and men in general, calling Goodwin “low I.Q.” and “crazy,” among other things.

 

In twenty-seven subsequent tweets, Hales called Goodwin many, many names, like “pathetic,” “sad,” “a loser,” “liar,” and “fake news.”

When contacted for comment, Hales’s spokeswoman, Sarah Chucklebee, responded that the councilwoman to entitled to her response, and yelled to no one “this is a witch hunt!”

The response from Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland was almost as useful.

“This is a management issue,” he said, while genuflecting to Roarin’ Rob Lyons. “I can’t be bothered to comment otherwise.”

In response to his firing Goodwin has retained counsel and filed a request for Family Medical Leave from the City of Murfreesboro, to which the Murfreesboro Legal Department responded in an all caps email, “YOU CAN’T TAKE FMLA AFTER YOU’VE BEEN FIRED!”

Jack Jayson sees things differently. “We’ll see about that,” Jayson said, when asked about FMLA leave.

The Tribune will stay abreast of this developing situation.


Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at nell.e.bly.tribune@gmail.com.

This Post is Just a Picture of Demos’ Soup

Facebook Page Claims City Manager Fired, Post Later Deleted

A Facebook post by the group Tennesseans Against Corruption incorrectly asserted that Murfreesboro City Manager Robbie “Roarin’ Rob” Lyons lost his job. The post was later deleted, but the post nonetheless sent shockwaves through the six people who regularly check the page.

Our man Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you thought about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob.


From the Street: What do you think about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob Lyons?

“I’m not sure why anyone would choose to fire Mr. Lyons. After all, the City Council stonewalls everything he and the city staff does anyway, which is just as effective and they all still get salaries out of it.”
Tommy Grabb, Former Elected Official

“That reminds me to go online and delete those depressing song lyrics I posted five years ago today.”
Chuck Bullery, Freelance Something-or-Other

“This is nonsense. Firing Lyons would mean the council worked together and actually made a decision; that hasn’t been done in months.”
Blocke Durfree, Local Attorney


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

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