MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning turn of events, discount retailer Fred’s announced plans to close Reeves-Sain Drug Store in Murfreesboro.
“I know what we all thought,” said Fred’s Vice President of Local Store Destruction Monty Burns. “We all thought that a massive discount chain was the perfect fit to keep this mom and pop soda shop alive. Turns out we were flagrantly wrong.”
Fred’s purchased Reeves-Sain in 2015 for $66 Million(!), which is significantly more than it would take for The Tribune Staff to kill a man. Like seriously. We would do it for a fraction of that.
Over the past year, Fred’s, Walgreens, and Rite Aid have just started using Monopoly money to buy shit, making asset acquisition look as easy as picking up a sweet pair of $4 Velcro kicks from the Fred’s bargain bin.
Surprisingly absolutely no one, Walgreens has expressed little to no enthusiasm about keeping a small town milkshake counter that is conspicuously close to an Indian restaurant with “Pit” in the name.
“We want to ensure the community that the Reeves-Haynes Pharmacy will spend its final days resting with its loved ones,” Walgreens issued in a press release. “When the time comes, it will be put down humanely and peacefully.”
Reached for comment and notified that the shop is pronounced Reeves-Sain, a Walgreens spokesman added “well its about to be Reeves-closed.”