The Murfreesboro Tribune

Mayor Gives UT Coach Key to City, Hopes to Have Division-I Athletics in Murfreesboro Some Day

October 30, 2024 / / 0 Comments

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland presented University of Tennessee Baseball Coach Tony Vitello a “Key to the City” this week, representing a commitment from the City of Murfreesboro to support college athletics programs as long as those programs are like 150 miles east of here. 

“The University of Tennessee has had a wildly successful run” said Mayor McHarland. “My hope is that some day we may have a Division-I athletics program here in Rutherford County.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we hit the street to see how our citizens responded to the news, as we return to our #FromTheStreet coverage.

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“I think it’s great! I mean sure, this place is like ten counties over, but it’s a state school! Our tax dollars support it! Well, not property tax or anything, but maybe sales tax on all that Vols shit at Walmart?”

– Brenda AllVol, Salt Life Ambassador

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“This is so insulting. How can he overlook Motlow like that?”

– Mikayla Hatfield, MTSU Student

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“I think it’s important to take this opportunity to share what we have going on at Middle—“

– Chris Bajardo, MTSU Athletics Director 

EDITOR’S NOTE: The quote from Director Bajardo is incomplete. Honestly the author of this article just tuned the f*** out mid-sentence. We still have no idea what is happening at that school.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Coach’s Grill Closes Yet Again

October 2, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Coach’s Grill Restaurant Group announced its most recent venture, Party Fowl Murfreesboro, is permanently closed. Over the years, Coach’s Grill Restaurant Group (CGRG) has launched numerous efforts to stabilize its Broad Street property, including Western Sizzlin’, Fairways Golf & Grill, and now Party Fowl Murfreesboro. 

“We are sad to close this chapter,” shared CGRC President Jim Trappers. “Now it’s back to the drawing board to see what restaurant we can open and close in this building next.”

Party Fowl Murfreesboro opened in 2017 and, unlike past openings, took extreme protective measures over its future, even hiring a local witch doctor to break a generational culinary curse on the establishment. It now appears those efforts were for naught, as Party Fowl shuttered its doors this week.

“The witch doctor kept us afloat for a while,” added Trappers, “but we missed his last few payments and he just dipped.”

At the time of press, CGRG did not close the door on a historic revival, leaving its other brands on the table as a potential replacement, including Brew U, Santa Fe, Coach’s Grill, Fairways Golf & Grill, and even its legendary Western Sizzlin’ Brand.

“Everything is on the table,” added Trappers. “Except keeping Party Fowl open— that place is closed as f***.”

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Flawed People Upset That Flawed Person Now Lives in City Full of Flawed People

September 9, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune has learned that a person once charged with murder, and widely believed to have committed that murder, has moved to town— and a whole lotta people on the internet are torn up about it. 

“This must be serious,” said one commenter. “I’ve never seen catty women senselessly ripping each other apart on the internet over trivial things.”

These good citizens want you to know that they are not ok with a bad person living here, despite the fact that this town is already full of people who routinely mistreat other people. Why not? Well, that depends. The comments are as unique as the commenters. 

“She did something bad!” Crystal Metheny commented. “We can’t have someone who has done bad things living here!” Ms. McEwen subsequently declined to comment on her four past extramarital affairs, two failed marriages, and two pending DUI charges. “This isn’t about me,” she snapped. “It’s about the bad person.”

“You can learn a lot about someone based on their past,” Natalie Bedord Forrest added. However, when asked about her own family past, which is littered with slavery, segregation, and racism, Hedley quickly pivoted. “The past doesn’t have to define you,” she added, nervously glancing around the room. “Except for this woman— she deserves every bit of hate she gets.”

At the time of press, social media users remain collectively sharpening their keyboard pitchforks, nestled comfortably within the confines of home internet but ready to throw rocks inside of a glass house. Once this story dies down, these folks will undoubtedly pivot to the next story that allows them to express faux outrage, never quite addressing the undercurrent of hate rippling through their everyday lives.

The Murfreesboro Tribune has confirmed that, while these commenters like to think that their words don’t stink, if you lean a little closer, those roses really smell like boo-boo-ooh. 

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Food Truck Friday Moves to County Clerk License Plate Renewal Hallway

September 5, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced that Food Truck Friday, frequently held at the Murfreesboro City Plaza, will temporarily move to the hallway outside of the Rutherford County Court Clerk license plate renewal office. 

“We were looking for high traffic areas,” said Mayor McHarland. “And the car tag renewal line has been backed out the door since at least the Obama administration.”

City officials praised the benefits of the new location, which include ample parking, avoiding that vagrant holding a switchblade in the library parking garage, and stunningly positive Yelp reviews (because this place has a f***ing Yelp page?!). Above all, city leaders value the mass of potential customers trudging inch-by-inch down the hallway of mid-level bureaucracy purgatory.

“These miserable pricks are stuck waiting anyways,” McHarland added, “and we thought that hallway has more potential than just a gumball machine for blind kids. Hell, I think we might get a dunk tank.”

As of the date of this article, city officials have added face painting, vendor booths, and live music to the schedule. Currently, three food trucks are booked: Schwedde Balls; The Alley on Main; and Big Nutzzz Funnel Cakes. Tragically, the Fartful Bagel remains closed.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

MTSU to Open Campus Regal Inn, Capitalize on High Crime Vibes

September 3, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Middle Tennessee State University recently announced plans to open a new hotel on campus. The Murfreesboro Tribune landed an exclusive scoop that MTSU plans to open The Regal Inn Greenland, a new hotel just off campus, which provides a True Blue place to shoot guns and do drugs. In recent years, campus neighborhoods have faced rising crime rates, decreasing property maintenance, and skyrocketing rent prices, which prompted school officials to try their hand in the hospitality industry.

“We were just overwhelmed with the response,” said MTSU President Ridley McPeak. “Initially, we thought discriminatory housing practices could only be used in nearby residential units, where fourth generation rednecks rent their granddaddy’s dilapidated real estate portfolio, but now we have an opportunity to get in the game.”

School officials have yet to finalize the estimated cost, size, and other details, but officials are hopeful to begin construction next year. Wait a minute– construction on what? I honestly don’t know what we are announcing if we don’t know the size, cost, or the ambiguous “other details” of the project. But hey— it’s a hotel!

Tasked with choosing a hotel brand, MTSU officials chose the well-known Regal Inn, a staple in the community, oft celebrated for its shameless revelry, domestic violence, and unnervingly consistent police presence.

“We’ve seen rampant drug use, shootings, and sex trafficking operations near campus for years,” McPeak added. “Now, we can keep that business here at home and ensure that everyone enjoys the professional, courteous, and holy shit that’s a needle atmosphere that embodies the Regal Inn.”

For the community, it ties together two neighborhoods previously only bonded by unreasonable rent, criminal activity, and the consensus of the community to do absolutely nothing to help.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Someone Finally Asks Satire Rag to Return, Pummel Internet with Mediocrity

August 27, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Nearly three and a half years after subtly disappearing into the abyss, fictional dramatist Sam Clemens announced that The Murfreesboro Tribune will return to part-time writing efforts. The catalyst? Literally just one person asked. 

“A few years back I decided to hang up my pen, pad, and codpiece until someone asked me to write again,” said Clemens. “I didn’t expect it to last this long, but last week someone finally noticed.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune is little more than long-form memes. The articles are for show at this point, as few people venture beyond article headlines. Honestly, Dear Murfreesboro has most of this covered, but we are bored and feel like writing.

“I’d like to thank the one person that noticed that we stopped writing,” Clemens added. “Seriously, lady. I wasn’t sure anyone ever noticed.”

During his absence, Clemens noted that the City of Murfreesboro experienced transformational change, no longer just an apartment-riddled Nashville suburb with questionable infrastructure, but instead emerging as an apartment-riddled Nashville suburb with questionable infrastructure. 

“Get it?” Clemens asked. 

If you have questions, comments, or tips for future articles, please contact Sam Clemens. If you have complaints, just keep them to yourself. If you were just here for the picture of the goose, we sincerely apologize— this just a half-ass return to part-time writing. Cheers to the mundane!

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Schools Canceled Monday Due to Blue Skies, Sunshine, Otherwise Perfect Weather

February 22, 2021 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Late Sunday evening, Rutherford County Schools announced that schools would remained closed on Monday, but not for the reason that parents expected.

“Hello Parents, this is James Evans,” announced a recorded message, prefacing the forthcoming blow with six words that reduce even hardened criminals to a shiver. “The Board and I talked about it, and it’s just too damn nice outside for learning on Monday. We are going to give the kids the day off.”

Reviewing forecasts of glistening sun and high-40s weather, Evans reiterated that his responsibility to the overall betterment of students dictated school closure on Monday.

“We understand that some of you are frustrated,” said Evans, demonstrating his incredible knack for deduction. “We also know that water is wet, the Pope is Catholic, and bears shit in woods. Lots of obvious stuff in here.”

At the time of this publication, Evans could not be reached for comment, instead opting to sunbathe in the golden rays of school cancellation cascading down upon City Plaza.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at  [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Following Winter Storm, City Opens Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift

February 19, 2021 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Never one to shy away from opening a new revenue stream, Murfreesboro Mayor and fur coat connoisseur Sugar Shane McHarland announced Friday that the City of Murfreesboro is opening an in-season Ski Lift at the beloved Mt. Trashmore, a local waste facility used to bury anything from household trash to neglected results of expensive national job searches that the City Council probably wasn’t going to read anyways.

On Friday, following an unusually strong winter storm, the Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift opened to local fanfare, drawing considerably more attention to the local landmark than just the usual vagrants, environmental activists, pissed off neighbors, and illegal dumpers. 

“We see it as a win-win,” said Mayor McHarland. “For years, our residents have visited this cherished treasure, finding it by neither map nor marker, but by scent. Now, after all of this snow and ice have landed, those same residents can pair that unique travel destination with quality family time on the slopes.”

An initial draft of the Mt. Trashmore Ski Resort(TM) revealed two proposed entrances, a North Entrance from Jefferson Pike and a West Entrance from Lebanon Pike. Depending on which entrance is used, visitors can enjoy one of five unique slopes down the trash heap, each with what has been hailed the greatest view of trash this side of Shelbyville.

A $25.00 Day Pass includes unlimited trash dumping and access to all five resort areas: The Bunny Slope; the Old Tire Slope; the Used Needle Slope; the Oh Shit Probably Drugs in Here Slope; and the RIP Forrest Hall Slope.

McHarland added that the City will be offering a photo opportunity for all skiiers, including a special gold ribbon for those who make it to the bottom without contracting hepatitis.

When asked, McHarland conceded that the slope names may upset some.

“Nowadays, people are gonna bitch,” said McHarland, turning to fellow council member Roddie Martin. “Nothing we can do about that, can we hoss?”

“Come on Hot Rod,” McHarland added, sliding on his ski goggles . “Let’s hit the slopes.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at  [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Patron Would Rather Take Bullet Than Stay at Whiskey Dix Any Longer, a Little Dramatic But We All Get It

February 17, 2020 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In the early hours of Sunday morning, after a Saturday evening filled with shitty beer, line dancing, twerking(?), and a pleasant mixture of white trash, sorority girls, and those awkward middle aged people who all have DUIs but keep showing up to college bars every weekend anyways, Bob Zurowsky decided he had had enough of Whiskey Dix.

Around 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning, Zurowsky finished a Natty Light and pulled his nickel Smith & Wesson Model 10 out of his waist band, deciding that the quickest way to get the hell out of the bar was to take measures into his own hands.

“I had asked my friend Marshall two or three times to leave,” said Zurowsky, resting in his hospital bed, appearing nervous, but calm and ready. “He was locked into these $2 jello shooters and I couldn’t get him away.”

At some point, Zurowsky, possibly lost in the music, pulled the gun from his waist band and the gun immediately discharged into his own leg.

“It was like magic,” Zurowsky recalled. “All of the sudden, everyone helped get me out of the bar. It was like my own personal panic button.”

A brief canvass of fellow patrons confirmed that we all pretty much get it: there isn’t much we wouldn’t do to get the hell out of Whiskey Dix on a Saturday night.

“Look, if you had one shot to seize everything you ever wanted, would you capture it?” Zurowsky asked of himself,” or would you let it slip?”

It appears Zurowsky decided to capture it.

As of the time this article is written, the investigation into the shooting is ongoing. We have already drawn our conclusions, and are unlikely to change those conclusions, but this is America so keep investigating.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

God Selects Peter Demos to Build Ark, Fight This Flood

February 12, 2020 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Peter Demos stood in the rain at a quickly-called press conference on Wednesday afternoon and announced that his immediate focus will shift from restaurant management to building an ark to save the City of Murfreesboro from oncoming floods.

“My mission in life and business has long been to provide exceptional food and service at affordable prices,” Demos told the four people walking by who noticed him standing in the rain holding a Little Tikes microphone set. “Now I have a new mission: to build an ark to protect the community from the great flood.”

According to Demos, God spoke to him while at the restaurant, which is where Demos knows God to spend most of his free time.

“God is normally at Demos’ for a quick lunch,” Demos noted. “He spends it with his buddies Earl and Clark from the tire shop. They tip well.”

Demos recounted that the Lord finished his soup, turned to Demos, and selected him to build an ark to save the community from torrential floods.

“That day, he enjoyed the Mexican Spaghetti, one of our finest meals,” Demos recalled. “You get the spaghetti, a side our delicious soup, and our baked rolls all for $5.99. It’s a great deal. In truth, we have many daily specials that are great deals. You’ve got the grilled Italian sausage spaghetti, the tilapia special, the chili stuffed potato…”

Demos spent about thirteen minutes reciting Demos’ lunch specials, during which time three of the four people in attendance left. After reiterating the great value at his restaurant, he returned to the topic at hand.

“God clearly charged me with building an ark and loading my family, my friends, and at least three months of hot chicken and rice soup on board,” Demos said.

“He digs the soup,” Demos added. “And who can blame him? It’s hot, it’s delicious, and it’s Southern Baptist approved.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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