MURFREESBORO, TN – Late Sunday evening, Rutherford County Schools announced that schools would remained closed on Monday, but not for the reason that parents expected.

“Hello Parents, this is James Evans,” announced a recorded message, prefacing the forthcoming blow with six words that reduce even hardened criminals to a shiver. “The Board and I talked about it, and it’s just too damn nice outside for learning on Monday. We are going to give the kids the day off.”

Reviewing forecasts of glistening sun and high-40s weather, Evans reiterated that his responsibility to the overall betterment of students dictated school closure on Monday.

“We understand that some of you are frustrated,” said Evans, demonstrating his incredible knack for deduction. “We also know that water is wet, the Pope is Catholic, and bears shit in woods. Lots of obvious stuff in here.”

At the time of this publication, Evans could not be reached for comment, instead opting to sunbathe in the golden rays of school cancellation cascading down upon City Plaza.

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