Category: Education

Schools Canceled Monday Due to Blue Skies, Sunshine, Otherwise Perfect Weather

MURFREESBORO, TN – Late Sunday evening, Rutherford County Schools announced that schools would remained closed on Monday, but not for the reason that parents expected.

“Hello Parents, this is James Evans,” announced a recorded message, prefacing the forthcoming blow with six words that reduce even hardened criminals to a shiver. “The Board and I talked about it, and it’s just too damn nice outside for learning on Monday. We are going to give the kids the day off.”

Reviewing forecasts of glistening sun and high-40s weather, Evans reiterated that his responsibility to the overall betterment of students dictated school closure on Monday.

“We understand that some of you are frustrated,” said Evans, demonstrating his incredible knack for deduction. “We also know that water is wet, the Pope is Catholic, and bears shit in woods. Lots of obvious stuff in here.”

At the time of this publication, Evans could not be reached for comment, instead opting to sunbathe in the golden rays of school cancellation cascading down upon City Plaza.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at  [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Blizzard Update: Take Your Kids to School JK Go Home

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Snowpocalypse 2019! To celebrate, the Rutherford County School System held an abbreviated school day, consisting of a frozen drive to school and a brief stint in the dropoff line.

“I want to ensure the public that schools are open,” said Schools Spokesman Jim Bevins. “So make sure to bring your kids in. Also, schools are now closed.”

Parents were thrilled with the decision to close school after waking up early, preparing breakfast, wrangling their little shits out of bed, declining to pursue childcare because school was not canceled, ensuring their respective workplaces that school was in and they could attend, making plans to attend work, scraping snow and ice off their cars, arriving to school and waiting in line behind Janet and her goddamn mini van, and threatening physical violence against the car line monitor who happened to be the bearer of bad news.

“It’s important that the public knows that we do not take these decisions lightly,” Bevins added. “We have consulted our magic eight ball and we are confident that school should be closed immediately.”

Bevins shook his eight ball aggressively and added “outlook not so good.”

At the time of publication, schools have been called back into session but then subsequently canceled.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Teachers Complain About School Return After Nine F***ing Weeks Off

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become an August tradition unlike any other, school teachers have taken to social media with vague grumblings of having to actually work for a living like the rest of the peasants who worked during the months of June and July.

“OMG school is back this week,” tweeted Jennifer Edgell, a third grade teacher at John Pittard Elementary School, comfortably resting poolside for the ninth consecutive week. “This is unbelievable!” she tweeted between sips of her third margarita.

Blackman Middle School sixth grade teacher Mark Goodman took to Facebook to express his disbelief that an employer would expect a return to employment after about sixty days of slumber. “Wow this summer flew by!” Goodman remarked. “Seems like that way for everyone I talked to!”

Is that right, Mark? Your doctor, accountant, mailman, grocery store clerk, lawyer, barista, pizza delivery guy, chiropractor, plumber, carpet cleaner, and insurance salesman all complained that their summer break was equally short? Yeah. Our weekends did seem short.

At least one educator, Siegel High School math teacher JoAnne Hoekstra, seemed satisfied that teachers would be returning to paid vacation shortly.

“Fall Break can’t come soon enough y’all,” Hoekstra tweeted. “Pray for me!”

Yes, JoAnne. We will pray for the eight consecutive weeks of work that will be required of you until the taxpayers mercifully grant another nine days of paid vacation for Fall Break. We are all with you on this.

Pray for the teachers, y’all. It’s hard out there.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

School Board: “It’s Sixty Degrees. Let’s Close Some Schools.”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Taking a fresh puff of his finest herb and cracking a beer straight out of his cooler on an unusally warm winter day, Rutherford County Schools Director Jack Frost boldly declared that county schools will close Friday in anticipation of a savage ice storm. 

“I think we can all agree that the weather tomorrow is threatening,” Frost said, wiping sweat from his brow. “It’s hot as tits out here right now, but just wait.”

Frost eventually stripped layers to compensate for the heat, emphasizing that it’s sure gonna get cold here in a few hours. 

The School Board supported Director Frost, emphasizing that a heat wave is typically the right time to predict ice and close schools. 

“We aren’t in school in July,” said Board Member Rudolph Deere. “But if we were, we would be closing every other day. Sometimes it’s just so hot that you know an ice storm is coming.”

The announcement came as a surprise to the suburban oasis of Murfreesboro, as residents calmly basked in the sixty-seven degree temperature. 

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team would have iinvestigated, but the team refused to leave the neighborhood block party and cookout, which is usually held in July, but which fit the weather pretty nice.

“We just hope that the community has the same foresight as us,” Director Frost added, coughing out some smoke. “You have to act early. Read the internet, damnit. And act!”

Parents Pretty Damn Excited About School Starting Back

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018. More importantly, it’s the day that schools return from Christmas Break and you can finally drop your shitbag kids back off to a criminally underpaid childcare provider.

Sure, the first few days of Christmas Break were wonderful. You slept in together, made waffles, and watched Christmas movies, all in anticipation of the impending holiday season, filled with laughter, cheer, and thankfulness.

But then January happened. And it’s been eight damn days of cold, rain, and horrible stories from your kids. Yes, Jared. I heard about what all the other kids have on their backpacks and no we can’t go buy that shit just because Bryson has it on his backpack too.

For a week now, your work schedule has been crippled by having to find some poor soul to watch these hoodlums for several hours a day. No more!

It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018, and you are free. Drop those kids off, get to your desk, and pour yourself a cup of coffee in peace.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

MTSU Adds “Apartment Shooting Simulator” to CUSTOMS Student Orientation

MURFREESBORO, TN – Calling apartment shootings “a large part of the fabric that holds this community together,” James Deal, Assistant Dean of Student Affairs at Middle Tennessee State University, announced that incoming freshman would take part in an apartment shooting simulator during CUSTOMS student orientation in the fall.

In recent months, Murfreesboro has seen a sharp increase in violent shootings, highlighted by recent shootings at apartment complexes near MTSU, such as Student Quarters and Gateway Apartments.

“Every year, people pay thousands of dollars for entertainment that is exciting, riveting, and sometimes frightening,” noted Assistant Dean Deal. “The rampant shootings at low-cost campus housing give our students all of that excitement without the exorbitant price tag.”

According to Deal, every shooting incident allows the residents of an apartment complex that is fortunate enough to be riddled with bullets to enjoy a trip outside under the stars, a community of friends also forced out of their homes, and a lights show from local police, fire, and emergency services. On some evenings, this traumatic experience may also include the mystery of whether your loved one will survive or not.

In the Apartment Shooting Simulator, incoming students are invited into a dark room and allowed enough time to fall asleep peacefully and naturally. After a short time asleep, participants are suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by gunfire and forced into a cold parking lot in the middle of the night.

“It’s a great way for students to get to know each other,” said Deal, who pioneered the program, “and a great way for students to get to know Murfreesboro, the lovable college town that just keeps on shooting.”

The Tribune reached Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland for comment, who emphasized that local elected officials are taking this matter very seriously and are going to have meetings to discuss potential resolutions, such as wagging fingers at bad actors and outlawing violent crime.

MTSU to Remove “History” from Department of History

MURFREESBORO, TN – At a meeting on Wednesday night, the Middle Tennessee State University Panel of Ethics voted unanimously to remove “History” from the official title of the MTSU Department of History.

“History is riddled with offensive and racially insensitive conduct,” said Chairman Nathan Forrest. “The Panel feels that this decision further shields MTSU students from anything and everything that one particular student may find offensive.”

Last year, students organized a petition against the name of the Department of History. After building support on social media, a group of students formed the organization Change History Now and demanded that the MTSU Administration remove History from the Department Title.

“For the students of this campus, I think this is the most unifying decision the university can make,” said sophomore Paxley Miller. “To use the word History on this campus forces students to hear of a movement that includes war, terrorism, and genocide.”

“It’s unthinkable that the university has allowed this name to remain on campus this long,” echoed junior Brentley Montgomery, who protests for eight hours a day instead of working, paying taxes, or contributing to society in any other meaningful way.

“History is filled with crime and corruption,” Montgomery continued. “While on campus, students shouldn’t see or hear anything that makes them uncomfortable.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has discovered that History has an extensive background in racial discrimination and offensive behavior. History includes such events as slavery, segregation, and Jim Crow laws.

“If we remove History from this Department, it will change everything,” said Miller. “It will be as if these horrific events never happened, which will make us all better people for never hearing about bad things.”

MTSU President Ridley McPeak acknowledged the Panel decision, but asked protesters for patience as the administrative process runs its course.

“This is not a simple issue. There are others who feel just as strongly as the students on the other side,” McPeak said. “We should be open to different views and different situations regardless of how we feel about it, or how repugnant it is. It’s part of our duty to let the other voices be heard in a deliberative, orderly process.”

Student leaders from Change History Now refused to accept calls for calmness and agreement.

“[Expletive] that,” said activist Jaymeigh Johnston. “Every day that we wait, History grows larger and larger. The time for action is now.”