The Murfreesboro Tribune

Page 2 of 15

Rainstorms Threaten Hot Rod Martin’s Hair, Mayor Declares State of Emergency

February 20, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Shane “Sugar Shane” McHarland declared a City-Wide State of Emergency on Wednesday morning, citing continued rainfall and its effects on the public health.

“The City of Murfreesboro has been battered by rain for what seems like years,” Mayor McHarland told a small group of reporters this morning. “At this time, we are in need of emergency reserves to combat the weather and its effects on city employees.”

While Mayor McHarland declined to provide specifics, a source close to the City Council confirmed that the emergency declaration came shortly after Councilman Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was caught in a rainstorm during his morning commute, but did not have an umbrella for protection.

According to confidential sources, the rain pelted Martin’s signature hairstyle, threatening the overall handsomeness of the Murfreesboro City Council and forcing Mayor McHarland into action.

“We have used the emergency funds to invest in proper rain protection for all city employees, including Councilman Martin,” McHarland added after being asked for comment. “For the sake of God and country, his hair must remain undisturbed by the elements.”

This story is developing.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Single People So Happy For You, Very Interested in Your Valentine’s Day Posts

February 14, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent interviews confirmed that all of your single friends are very interested in your Valentine’s Day posts on social media. According to various statements, the posts encourage your friends, inspire them to be better, and develop long term happiness.

Hank Sadd, a spokesman for the Murfreesboro Single Awareness League, reiterated that single people everywhere are just so damn happy for you.

“We love it,” Sadd said. “Every time you post about the flowers you received, the cards you gave, how happy you are with your significant other, and all of the great times you two have shared together, it just fills us up with happiness.”

Asked if posts of this nature may cause resentment, jealousy, or depression among single people, Sadd quickly denied any negativity.

“Of course not,” Sadd laughed, with an awkward, seemingly-forced smile. “Who told you that? Karen? Because she is a f***ing sociopath and I’m totally over her.”

Sadd left the interview to finish an eight page handwritten letter begging Karen to take him back.

Other SAL representatives declined to comment, instead spending their Valentine’s Day alone in thought, ruminating on past failed relationships, and drowning sorrows in cheap vodka.

“Seriously though, guys, we are so happy for you,” Sadd sobbed through tears. “Please keep mercilessly pounding us with your messages of happiness. It makes this made-up holiday so damn easy.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Blizzard Update: Take Your Kids to School JK Go Home

January 30, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Snowpocalypse 2019! To celebrate, the Rutherford County School System held an abbreviated school day, consisting of a frozen drive to school and a brief stint in the dropoff line.

“I want to ensure the public that schools are open,” said Schools Spokesman Jim Bevins. “So make sure to bring your kids in. Also, schools are now closed.”

Parents were thrilled with the decision to close school after waking up early, preparing breakfast, wrangling their little shits out of bed, declining to pursue childcare because school was not canceled, ensuring their respective workplaces that school was in and they could attend, making plans to attend work, scraping snow and ice off their cars, arriving to school and waiting in line behind Janet and her goddamn mini van, and threatening physical violence against the car line monitor who happened to be the bearer of bad news.

“It’s important that the public knows that we do not take these decisions lightly,” Bevins added. “We have consulted our magic eight ball and we are confident that school should be closed immediately.”

Bevins shook his eight ball aggressively and added “outlook not so good.”

At the time of publication, schools have been called back into session but then subsequently canceled.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Satire Writer Gone for Weeks, Acting Like Satire is Just a Hobby

January 8, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a continuous disappointment to the four people who actually appreciate good satire, local satirist Sam Clemens is out here acting like his fake newspaper is just a hobby.

Clemens, known to the Murfreesboro community for his wit, charm, and virility, created a fake newspaper years ago that has generated enough popularity to pay him zero dollars and zero cents to date.

Over the past few years, Clemens has disappeared for weeks or months at a time on multiple occasions, including a notorious Facebook ban. Upon his return, Clemens often provides some far-fetched explanation that your great aunt thinks may not be entirely accurate.

“Where does he go for weeks at time?” Asked one commenter. “How can he just neglect satire writing like it’s just a hobby?”

Editor’s Note: Satire is actually just a hobby to Sam Clemens. Satire does not pay for rent, groceries, or Asian massage parlors (yet). If you have a complaint about his absence or vacation time, please see our Contact Page.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Group Gathers at Local Hospital, Protests Naming Newborn Baby “Raider”

January 3, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Protesters filled the parking lot of Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital on Thursday in opposition of newborn baby Raider Allen Johnson, born late Wednesday evening.

The protest focused on the name Raider, which protesters have called offensive, insensitive, and culturally unacceptable.

“The word Raider brings up all kinds of negative connotations,” said protester Thomas Jenkins. “We understand that there may be a perfectly legitimate reason for naming this child Raider, but the parents should understand that if some part of the community can be offended by another interpretation of a naming choice, that name has got to be stopped at all costs.”

Other protesters echoed that, while there may be a legitimate reason for the name, such as family lineage or just personal preference, the fact that the name could be loosely tied to racism means it should be banned from use.

“Listen, I’m all for Myleigh, Briley, Hexley, Hylee, Tyleigh, Aiden, Braden, Jaden, Kaden, Paiden, and all the other ways that white people can just destroy first names,” said protester Faith Killion, whose children, Payzlee and Braisley were also present. “But you keep that racist Raider bullshit out of here.”

When asked if she would approve the name Rayderr (with two “R” at the end), she immediately changed her tune.

“Wow that’s so unique and creative,” she said. “I really like it.”

At the time of this story, the protesters have asked the community to take a stand against this word, whether or not the parents meant it to be racist or not.

“It’s time to take a stand,” protesters yelled. “If we are offended, you should be too!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

UT Fans Prepare for Annual Bowl Game Bye

December 15, 2018 /

KNOXVILLE, TN – In what has become a beloved Tennessee tradition, University of Tennessee football fans are making plans for an Annual Bowl Game Bye.

“It’s awesome,” said Jake AllVol. “Our family enjoys taking trips around the holidays and we are so happy to make those plans and not have to worry about a college bowl game.”

The holiday tradition originated in the 1960s, but returned recently thanks to former High School Football State Champion Derek Dooley and the 2011 Tennessee Volunteers, who ushered in a renewed era of middling mediocracy.

“I think that Dooley knew we needed a break,” said Vols fan G.B. Orange. “Winning is great, but giving your fans some time off is the true test of commitment.”

Despite a perennial label of a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” by that one obnoxious jackass at work, the Tennessee Volunteers have enjoyed a Bowl Game Bye for five of the last eight seasons.

The Bowl Game Bye was briefly suspended from 2014 to 2016, when star quarterback Josh Dobbs led the Volunteers to three consecutive bowl games. Fans quickly complained of the additional games, which interrupted holiday plans, and the Tennessee Volunteers returned to form in recent years.

“They heard us loud and clear,” said Tennessee fan Linda Fulmer. “Butch Jones laid the path back to a Bowl Game Bye brick by brick, and the Vols are walking that road.”

If you’re interested in real life football and not overhyped-and-destined-to-underperformed talks of “next year,” you can watch the following college football teams from the State of Tennessee actually play football this year: Vanderbilt, Memphis, and Middle Tennessee State.

It doesn’t have to be a bye week, guys.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Your Friend is on Vacation Right Now, In Case You Missed the 894 Posts

December 3, 2018 /

SOME TROPICAL PARADISE – According to the eight hundred and ninety-four social media posts, including two hundred and sixteen photos posted to Facebook, one hundred and thirty-two tweets, one hundred and fourteen Instagram photos, sixty-eight Snapchat stories, three check-ins on FourSquare (this is still a thing?!), and three hundred and sixty-one updates to an Instagram day, your friend is currently on vacation.

Your Friend’s Social Media Updates
Facebook Photos: 216
Tweets: 132
Instagram Photos: 114
Snapchat Story Updates: 68
FourSquare Check-Ins: 3
Instagram Day Updates: 361

“Just out here relaxing,” she wrote in post, somehow taking a picture while floating in the middle of the cruise ship pool.

“Wow, she must be really happy,” she said to herself, pretending that’s what her friends would think.

At the time of publication, it is unclear what is driving the social media frenzy. Possible sources include the inexplicable need to brag about your life on social media and other related causes, such as depression, loneliness, the need for emotional support from an internet provider, general instability, boredom, and keeping up with the Joneses on social media.

Happiness and contentment have been ruled out as contributing sources, as she may have put her damn phone down if she felt even a glimmer of either.

“It feels so good to unplug and relax!” she wrote in a follow-up post, while ironically forced to plug in her phone to provide power for continued social media updates.

UPDATE: she just posted seven more times. We cracked nine hundred!

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

MTSU Football Excited for One More Home Game in Empty Stadium

November 27, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders won the Conference USA East Division this past weekend, beating the heavily-favored UAB Blazers and earning the right to host the Conference USA Championship Game at the massive, cavernous, and inevitably-empty Floyd Stadium. And the MTSU players and coaches wouldn’t have it any other way.

“It’s an exciting win for this team,” said MTSU Head Coach Rick Standstill. “And to think that we earned one more home game in front of all of these empty seats. Nothing makes me happier than watching the tens of people in the stands cheering us on. It’s exhilarating.”

MTSU hosted five home games in the regular season this year, averaging sixteen fans per game. Fans in attendance each week were strongly encouraged to sit where they could not be seen by players and coaches, preventing an interruption of the atmosphere of disregard for the program and complete apathy.

“Sometimes it’s hard to get worked up for away games,” said MTSU Quarterback Brent Standstill. “Those schools have fans that yell and cheer, which is so distracting. Home games are so much better. When we know that we get to play at home in front of a completely empty stadium, miles away from anyone who gives a damn about our team, we always play at our best.”

Tickets for the game went on sale Monday.

MTSU Athletic Director Kris Mossimo immediately purchased every ticket for the game and lit them on fire.

“My job is to build what’s best for this program,” said Mossimo. “And, if history shows anything, it shows that our city understands that the most important thing for our football team is keeping that stadium completely empty.”

“And I mean empty,” he added, pointing a finger towards those present. “You stay the hell home.”

“Go Vols,” Mossimo muttered to himself while drowning out the smoldering ashes of a stadium full of tickets.

(Hey you there reading this article. Maybe put down your phone, buy a ticket to the game, and go support your damn hometown team.)

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Resumes Steady Diet of Eating Its Own

November 20, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A mere two months after granting the wish of so many and shuttering its doors, the Urban Occupants returned to Facebook with penchant for pettiness, launching an all-out polling war on news publications.

“It feels good to be back,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “It feels even better to be back and to be mercilessly fighting with each other over the most meaningless shit on earth.”

Taking a slow sip of hot tea, Frakes added: “Ah, it just feels right.”

On November 16, Urban Occupants Moderator Robby Wolfman Jr. created a poll to gauge the feelings of the group. Wolfman must have believed that the Urban Occupants, which will resort to threatening the lives of each other over the internal rules of a completely voluntary social media sub-group, would peaceably reach a consensus on one single issue, a feat that experts predict has occurred in this group a total of zero times.

Surprising no one in the world, the poll created even more division, leading to personal attacks, general anxiety, and inexplicably entitled demands for immediate action from a set of volunteer moderators.

“We demand action now!” wrote one commenter, who regularly enjoys the unpaid work of the moderators, but now expects these same unpaid moderators to work-for-free even faster.

As of the time this article is published, debates endlessly rage over trash pickup, historic district rezoning, meat sales, and religious liberties.

Welcome back, Urban Occupants.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Council Pledged Tax Incentives, Virgin Sacrifice in Failed Amazon HQ2 Bid

November 19, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In one of the most startling stories in local politics since teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was not asked to the Murfreesboro Sadie Hawkins Dance, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered disturbing details surrounding the local bid to land Amazon’s highly-coveted “HQ2.”

“I can confirm that the city made a very competitive offer for Amazon,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland when reached for comment in his home driveway.

“I’m going to refrain from giving details at this time,” he added, as if we can’t go through his trash or personal papers.

Through an expanded investigation, which included Mayor McHarland’s trash can and the back seat of Eddie Silverman’s Dodge Stratus, the only poor bastard who left his car open, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team learned more about the city’s failed Amazon bid.

The Murfreesboro Amazon HQ 2 Bid included:

  • Tax Incentives totaling enough to buy all of the Demos’ restaurants and possibly Peter Demos himself.
  • One kidney from an unidentified donor, which could be redeemed by any member of the Amazon Board of Directors.
  • Mayor McHarland’s personal collection of Jim Varney movies, including the extremely rare “Ernest In Da Hood.”
  • At least one virgin, and possibly as many as four virgins, to be sacrificed at a time and place selected by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Notes from Silverman’s truck indicated that Silverman once read about virgin sacrifices in a TV Guide and, since TV Guide dictates much of Silverman’s policy positions, he proposed the inclusion in the final bid.

Other notes from Silverman expressed frustration that Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin failed to contribute to the virgin search, saying instead that he didn’t know any women who were virgins after their meeting. “I close deals,” Martin reportedly told Silverman. “It’s what I do.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2024 The Murfreesboro Tribune

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑