Author: SamClemens (Page 6 of 12)

City Council: Violence on Rise, Multi-Family Units Capped at Two Kids Per Home

June 19, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing an increase in violent crime through Murfreesboro, which has been most prevalent at multi-family apartment homes, the Murfreesboro City Council proposed Monday to limit the number of children allowed in a multi-family home.

“I think we all remember the Hobgood Cartel,” said an unnamed source within the City Council who serves as Mayor. “If we can limit the number of kids in these multi-family homes, I think we can get to the root of this senseless violence.”

Critics of the rising violence in Murfreesboro (as if there can be supporters of it, right?) have commented over and over and over and over that all of this violence is here because of apartments, and the City Council appears to have acted accordingly.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Criminal Expert, which we assigned by just tallying up the writer who has been arrested the most, thinks that this attempt to limit crime has about the same likelihood of success as, oh, arbitrarily limiting the number of units that can be built in one development.

The Criminal Expert prepared an official report, penciled on the back of his Hardee’s napkin, that said:

We think that capping the number of children who reside in a multi-family home has the same likelihood of success as capping the number of units in a proposed development. After all, blindly picking one variable in a multi-variable problem and excessively limiting that variable is one of the best-known recipes for success.

This story is developing (pun intended, he shoots he scores!).

Business Brief: They’re Opening Another F***ing Check Cashing Place

June 15, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Memphis-based Chexxx4Lezzz is opening a check cashing, cash-advancing, and lower-income-pilfering company in Downtown Murfreesboro, the four thousandth such store in Rutherford County.

BringYoChexxxHere will be located on the corner of Sevier Street and South Highland Avenue, near the Kleer-Vu Café, in an area replete with lower-income residents.

“We are excited about this opportunity,” said Chexxx4Lezzz owner Rakesh Patel. “We  believe that our store will ensure that the community remains intact, because these significantly indebted people will never be able to the gain financial stability to move elsewhere.”

When asked if he had considered North Woods, Breckenridge, or Mirabella for his new store location, Patel laughed, noting that those areas were not part of his preferred demographic. “Not quite enough beater cars and cigarette smokers, if you know what I mean.”

Rutherford County Chamber of Commerce President Saul Talure praised the new store opening, saying that the industry is poised for growth.

“With stagnant wages and the low-paying warehouse jobs we are recruiting, Murfreesboro will need at least a thousand more check-cashing establishments for our citizens,” Talure said confidently.

The proposed location will be voted on at the regularly-schedule Murfreesboro City Council Meeting on Thursday night. All signs point to approval.

City Council to Appoint Late Councilman’s Barber to Vacant Seat

June 12, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In an email reviewed by the Murfreesboro Tribune on Monday, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland wrote that the City Council is leaning towards appointing Cecil “Clips” Baker, a barber in Murfreesboro, to replace the late Councilman Big Don Young.

Young passed away last year, leaving the Murfreesboro City Council with only six members. The Council has three principal options to move forward: hold a special election (the voters decide), appoint a replacement (the Council decides), or leave the seat vacant (ain’t nobody decide).

“The Council decided that, more than anything, we need a replacement that knew Big Don,” Mayor McHarland wrote in a press release last week. “It’s more important that the replacement knew Big Don than it is that the individual has knowledge, experience, or input from the voters. That’s for sure.”

The City Council recently pondered the appointment of the late Young’s wife to the seat, which is probably the most politician-like thing to do. After all, the council has made it clear that the most important feature of a new council member, who is tasked with oversight of a budget that controls hundreds of millions of dollars, is that the appointment creates a warm-and-fuzzy story that won’t upset the voters.

A new development arose Monday when Mayor McHarland sent a private email to his wife, which The Tribune hacked, intercepted, and read (as we do with all his email, Facebook messages, Amazon orders, and telegrams). McHarland wrote to his wife that the City Council is now planning to appoint Clips Baker, the longtime barber of Big Don Young, to the vacant seat.

“I think we’re making the right choice,” McHarland wrote to his wife. “Clips just knew [Big Don Young] really well, and we all think that the safest political decision we can make is to appoint someone who knew him well, so the community will just say ‘aw, that’s nice,’ and forget that we are tasked with working hard, making difficult decisions, and providing for the well-being of hundreds of thousands of people.”

Clips Baker works at the Tippy Top Shop Barber Lounge on the Murfreesboro Square, where he had cut Big Don Young’s hair for the past seventeen years. He is licensed by the Cosmetology and Barber Examiners.

This story is developing.

Abandon Your Kids at Arby’s (and Other Things to Do This Weekend)

June 9, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Get an STD in Manchester Go to Bonnaroo
Because those music festival goers have health, cleanliness, and personal hygiene in spades. Frolic and play all you’d like and make sure to bring home the gift that keeps on giving and truly lasts a lifetime: your preferred sexually transmitted disease.

2. Go to the Lake in Your Friend’s Boat
Whether he knows it or not. He didn’t buy that boat for you to not have fun, right? While he is at work, with his family, or just angrily watching from his living room window, go ahead and hook that boy up to your truck and enjoy some time at the lake!

3. Eat as Much FroYo as You Can at Sweet Cece’s Using Only the Sample Cup
They wouldn’t give you the sample cups if you weren’t supposed to use them. Pro Tip: ask to sample a flavor, enjoy the sample, and slowly nod your head while muttering an inquisitive “hmm.” This will tell the employee that you enjoy it, but that you may need to look further. Rinse and repeat for every flavor until they stop you.

4. Visit McDonald’s to Say Hey to the Cool Kid from High School
You all remember J.T., right? You may remember him as “Flash Muscles,” the nickname he made for himself. He goofed off a little too much, skipped class a little too much, and smoked pot a little too much. Now he scoops your fries at just the right pace. But hey, at least he bagged a lot of hot chicks in high school, for what that’s worth in his late twenties.

5. Leave Your Kids at Arby’s and Enjoy a Date Night
They’ll be fine. They’re almost six. Go have some you time.

If you have events that you would like to be submitted for future editions of “What to Do This Weekend,” you can send those events to [email protected].

MTSU Student Arrested, Charged with Being Black and from Memphis

June 5, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department raided an apartment near the Middle Tennessee State University on Monday and arrested Kedrick Jones, a twenty-two year old MTSU student who is tragically and unacceptably both black and from Memphis.

In recent weeks, MTSU has been afflicted by a series of off-campus shootings and criminal occurrences, many of which occur at nearby apartment complexes, and the community has been quick to respond with broad vagueries and baseless conclusions that this is all happening because of Memphis.

“With this arrest, we are hoping to send a message,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Reginald White, III. “Memphis needs to stop sending its crime here. And by crime we mean black people. Stop sending your black people here.”

The social media response to recent shootings and violence has been swift, passively racist, and oddly confident that rampant violence has nothing to do with the community in which it has happened.

“I’m talking about thugs from Memphis,” said one commenter online, conveniently concluding that every single problem related to shootings and campus crime can be traced to Memphis, not the actual city in which the crime occurred.

“We need to fire MTSU President Ridley McPeak!” shouted another commenter at his computer screen. “All of these Memphis thugs are here causing this crime.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department heard the kinda-racist-but-maybe-not voices and responded accordingly, cracking down heavily on MTSU students from Memphis.

“I think people from Memphis will think twice before coming to Murfreesboro now,” said MPD Spokesman White. “They now know that this town will not stand for them trying to escape the inner city, better themselves, and earn an education. Not here. Not now. Not ever.”

—

EDITOR’S NOTE: In case you have not caught on by now, some people are actually arguing that recent criminal acts in Murfreesboro have happened all because of Memphis and have used that position to push the (possibly racially motivated) theory that Memphis people just need to stay out of Murfreesboro. Here at the Tribune, we find that kind of thinking absurd and we will use satire in all of its glory to expose and ridicule such closed-minded views. In other words, the names and events in this story are not real and are being used to ridicule the very position that seems to have inflamed the masses. Calm the hell down.

Town Home Builders Propose Agent Orange, Napalm for Oaklands

June 1, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last month, much to the dismay of conservationists and several nearby bitchy residents, a home builder proposed ninety-one town homes to be built near the Oaklands Mansion and nearby wetlands on North Highland Avenue.

The plan to build townhomes in close proximity to the Oaklands Mansion and the wetlands near Sinking Creek drew immediate criticism from at least seven citizens, who took loudly to social media and didn’t have much else to do but complain on Facebook and Twitter.

In the past few weeks, if you have witnessed the frenzy on social media, you may have learned that a land developer plans to drop at least three payloads of Agent Orange, Napalm, and other biological weapons of ecological destruction on the site of a proposed town home site.

On Thursday, protesters provided leaked documents to the Tribune, drawn up on the back of a Cookout napkin, which set out the first phase of construction: complete and utter desolation of every living thing in the Oaklands Wetlands, using only the most toxic, transmutable, and offensive chemical agents known to man.

“This is exactly what we expected,” said some lady in Birkenstocks. “It is now clear that these land developers just want to rape mother nature and murder our plant life.”

“It’s almost as if these people are trying to just make money or build nice new things,” this likely herbal tea drinker added. “Did anyone stop to think about the willows that grow near the creek?”

ParksLambSwansonMurfreeCorp, the company responsible for site development, declined to comment, instead asking who we were and why we were peeking over the bathroom stall.

This story is developing (pun intended thank you).

MTSU Adds “Apartment Shooting Simulator” to CUSTOMS Student Orientation

May 30, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Calling apartment shootings “a large part of the fabric that holds this community together,” James Deal, Assistant Dean of Student Affairs at Middle Tennessee State University, announced that incoming freshman would take part in an apartment shooting simulator during CUSTOMS student orientation in the fall.

In recent months, Murfreesboro has seen a sharp increase in violent shootings, highlighted by recent shootings at apartment complexes near MTSU, such as Student Quarters and Gateway Apartments.

“Every year, people pay thousands of dollars for entertainment that is exciting, riveting, and sometimes frightening,” noted Assistant Dean Deal. “The rampant shootings at low-cost campus housing give our students all of that excitement without the exorbitant price tag.”

According to Deal, every shooting incident allows the residents of an apartment complex that is fortunate enough to be riddled with bullets to enjoy a trip outside under the stars, a community of friends also forced out of their homes, and a lights show from local police, fire, and emergency services. On some evenings, this traumatic experience may also include the mystery of whether your loved one will survive or not.

In the Apartment Shooting Simulator, incoming students are invited into a dark room and allowed enough time to fall asleep peacefully and naturally. After a short time asleep, participants are suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by gunfire and forced into a cold parking lot in the middle of the night.

“It’s a great way for students to get to know each other,” said Deal, who pioneered the program, “and a great way for students to get to know Murfreesboro, the lovable college town that just keeps on shooting.”

The Tribune reached Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland for comment, who emphasized that local elected officials are taking this matter very seriously and are going to have meetings to discuss potential resolutions, such as wagging fingers at bad actors and outlawing violent crime.

Murfreesboro Tribune Welcomes Diversity Hire Nell E. Bly

May 1, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune is both proud and obligated by federal law to welcome Investigative Journalist Nell E. Bly to the sexiest news establishment in Middle Tennessee. The Investigative Journalist job duties include being pretty, fetching coffee, interviewing coaches at halftime, and and going undercover when necessary to see the inner workings of businesses and organizations that may be up to no good.

Bly, who was hired voluntarily, and not to avoid a lawsuit against what appears to be a bunch of white men writing angry news, brings a blend of creativity, sex appeal, and a willingness to handle news assignments that the men here don’t want to touch.

Bly took part in a Q&A with Managing Editor Sam Clemens because if she didn’t she was fired. Get to know her and welcome her to the crew.

Q&A with Nell E. Bly, Investigative/Girl Journalist

Welcome to the Tribune, Nell! What is your hometown?
Pittsburgh, PA.

Why did you become a reporter?
It was completely by accident. I read a column in a newspaper about how women should just stay where they belong, in the kitchen and the bedroom. I think Donald Trump wrote it. Or maybe it was a Rutherford Rant by famed journalist Scott Broden. I wrote a response to the column and the newspaper’s editor offered me a job. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I accepted. Over the years, I discovered I like dressing up, pretending to be other people and writing about it. That’s what led me to become a crack girl reporter.

You don’t look like most crack girls I hang out with on Friday nights. Why is that?
[Blank Stare]

How are you different from other reporters at the Tribune?
Well, I’m a girl for one. Sam Clemens wouldn’t know what to do with a girl if one fell on him. But that Eddie Poe, he’s a looker. I’m also smarter and better than they are.

[Short break for old-style fisticuffs]

What is the best thing you have ever done?
It’s a close tie between traveling the globe in seventy-two hours, pretending to be crazy to gain entrance to an insane asylum, and writing for the Murfreesboro Tribune. I’m looking forward to uncovering lies and the lying lairs who lie and exposing fake new across Murfreesboro.

How do you spend your free time?
Rooting out unregistered sex offenders by day and pounding gash by night.

What’s your idea of a perfect date?
That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot, not too cold; all you need is a light jacket.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?
An eggplant. Definitely an eggplant.

Shock Report: The Tribune is Back, Facebook Just Got More Arousing

April 17, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A report published by the Murfreesboro Tribune Research Facility on Monday confirmed what several people, including Tribune employees, family members of Tribune employees, and three people who accidentally clicked to the site, have already discovered: The Murfreesboro Tribune is back on Facebook and this place just got real sexy real fast.

The thirty-seven page report detailed the past three months of Facebook activity, during which time The Tribune was banned, and during which time this community somehow survived without any local newspaper worth a damn.

“I can confirm that The Murfreesboro Tribune is back in publication and back on Facebook,” said Managing Editor Sam Clemens, likely to himself. “I also want to compliment Mark Zuckerberg, who is such a great guy. Make sure to include that in the article. He will read this and if I don’t say the right thing I get kicked out.”

The response from the Murfreesboro community has been overwhelming. In all, a whopping three people have noticed that the page returned.

Have a good idea for a story that needs to be covered? Send it to [email protected]. Or don’t send it, and we will find you and your family.

NOTE: This story is developing. Check back often for an erotic blend of news, commentary, and the most cutting reporting this side of the Stones River.

Facebook Cracks Down on Fake News, Shuts Down Tribune

January 24, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On January 7, 2017, the Facebook Police Department executed a search warrant on the Global Headquarters of The Murfreesboro Tribune, located in the corner booth of the Captain D’s on Broad Street. It was just one person sitting there, but the Facebook Security Cartel evidently places a high priority on preventing the carnage levied on the masses by small town satire sites.

As a result of the police raid, or as a result of some combination of absurdity, security practices, and numerous “flagged articles,” Facebook has indefinitely shut down The Murfreesboro Tribune Facebook Page.

Sure, the website could be shut down because some articles are offensive. Of note,  The Tribune actively skewers local elected officials and political positions, as satire tends to do, in a way that likely pisses off a large percentage of the electorate.

“This is a positive step for all things ridiculous,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, finally saying something on the twelfth day that I wouldn’t get off his lawn.

Zuckerberg neglected to explain how his security police flagged a satire website but failed to stop the seventy thousand goddamn clickbait sites that peddle garbage on the world wide web. We get it. At the three minute mark of that video, you completely lose your mind, but I’m not going to click on that shit just to go through a seventy-page slideshow of advertisements for one simple speeding trick that cops wish I didn’t know,

As of the publication of this post, the Tribune Editorial Team, comprised of one hobbyist who spends time writing fake news instead of enjoying life, has not decided whether it wishes to pursue verification of the website. Instead, the Editorial Team will likely just let the site ride off into the sunset to an unimaginative internet death, like Friendster, MySpace, and so many have done before.

UPDATE: We just checked and MySpace is still an actual website? Who goes on there? If you go on there, please email us so we can meet you, as your breed slowly goes extinct.

This story is developing, but the Editorial Team believes that it is critical that we comment on the ongoing investigation. After minutes of deep thoughts, the Editorial Team issues the following formal position:

To quote my boys Eazy E and Dr. Dre,, mother f*** the Facebook Police.

I’m just gonna set this microphone down right over here and keep writing fake news that no one reads.

Sam.

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