Author: SamClemens (Page 5 of 12)

Satire Writer Burns Through Severance Pay, Returns to Work

December 20, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – After four months of merciless debauchery, notable satire writer Sam Clemens has officially torched his severance pay and is begrudgingly returning to work at The Murfreesboro Tribune.

In late August, Clemens submitted his resignation to the remaining writers at The Tribune, who collectively elected to shut down the website in lieu of producing the shit-quality writing that a Clemens-less Tribune would undoubtedly possess.

After Clemens submitted his resignation, which was a completely free and voluntary decision to quit, The Tribune Editorial Board elected to give Clemens six f***ing months of pay to blow on hookers, weed, and poor life choices.

“We believe that Sam contributed a lot to our work,” said Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe. “He chose to quit his job and, as most businesses would agree, we thought it was appropriate to reward a quitter with six months of free money.”

The Tribune reached Clemens for comment, ultimately meeting him on the second floor balcony of the Jackson Inn, near a pile of burned out Mountain Dew bottles, plastic piping, and used needles.

“I’m glad to be back,” said Clemens, quoting himself in his own article like a genuine sociopath. “I don’t really have much else to do but sell my body and, I’ll be honest with you, the market for me is a little rough out here.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

County to Relocate Confederate Monument on Murfreesboro Square

August 21, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In the midst of a nationwide backlash towards Confederate monuments, Rutherford County announced plans on Monday morning to relocate the Confederate Monument on the square in Murfreesboro.

The nationwide discussion about Confederate monuments erupted this month after a white supremacist drove a vehicle into a group of “counter-protesters” (which is a thing in 2017), killing one and injuring many others.

The controversy struck Murfreesboro last week when several protesters draped a blanket over the Confederate Monument on the Murfreesboro square, dealing a crushing blow to racism and likely causing permanent damage to the statue

News broke over the weekend that the public has organized a community meeting, the most proven method of getting-shit-done on the local level, to address the confederate monuments. Experts predict that the meeting is severely unlikely to result in people who like to hear themselves talk domineering the conversation and arguing with each other.

On Monday morning, seemingly aware that a community meeting would force the county into action, Rutherford County issued a press release announcing a bold relocation plan:

At this time, Rutherford County has decided to relocate the Confederate Monument on the Murfreesboro Square. The Monument will moved to the top of the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse, in place of the weather vane, to make sure that the people here know that we are about America and the Civil War.

We recognize that many citizens are out there defending the Confederacy on social media as if the North just invaded again and we appreciate that. We want our citizens to know that we hear you. We know that the Civil War is very important in history, that you aren’t racist, and that people offended by the monument should just get used to it by now.

Details are yet to be released as to the date, time, and location of the proposed relocation, but several protesters have reported a willingness to put video game playing and government check cashing on hold to be present for a protest.

Reached for comment, County Mayor Bernie Sturgess said, “I can confirm that we have a Confederate Monument here, but I’ve got a state senate election to worry about, so my only comment would be that I love America.”

Here at The Tribune, we find this decision morally reprehensible. We prefer to take selected historical figures and assess their decisions, which were made hundreds of years ago, in the lens of modern morals. This seems like the only fair route. And if you disagree you are racist.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Euthanization Clinic Set for Homeless on Public Square

July 23, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Several business owners in Downtown Murfreesboro have joined forces to host a Euthanization Clinic for the Poor, which will provide a compassionate response to the growing problem of homelessness in Rutherford County.

“We have become increasingly concerned with the homeless population on the Murfreesboro Square,” said one business owner. “This image is hurting our downtown area and we need to try and clean it up.”

Many business owners agreed that there is a problem, but could not settle on a solution. The group considered several proposals, including criminalizing homelessness, tazing the poor, or distributing blankets infected with smallpox, before settling on a Euthanization Clinic, somehow believing that you can just make all these people go away.

It is worth noting that the group failed to discuss reasonable solutions such as housing programs, job training, and access to education, or investing time, effort, or resources to help build community.

“Sure, being homeless is hard, and worrying about where your next meal comes from is stressful,” said one downtown resident, “But these people look just awful to my customers, and the Euthanization Clinic gives them a way out.”

According to preliminary plans, the Euthanization Clinic will have two phases. In Phase One, a clinic participant will be sorted into “Worthless” and “Only-Kinda-Worthless.”

In Phase Two,  participants deemed “Worthless” will be either put down humanely or loaded into a van and dropped in the middle of Downtown Nashville.

In Phase Two, participants deemed “Only-Kinda-Worthless” will be sent to Camp Homeless, a year-round summer camp for the poor, which includes free room and board, concrete walls, barb wire fencing, and physical activities, such as road building, license plate hammering, and the creation of Soylent Green.

“Camp Homeless is a great opportunity for these people to get the hell out of my sight,” said one business owner, who declined to comment on the shocking similarity between Camp Homeless and a prison or concentration camp.

“They’re gonna have a blast,” he added. “And they’re gonna get away from my business, which is the most important thing.”

The Euthanization Clinic for the Poor will be held on Saturday, August 12, on the Public Square, after which time this place can start to look like a proper business district again.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page. 

Murfreesboro Victoria’s Secret Printing Error, Coupon Reads “Just Come Steal Everything”

July 20, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Victoria’s Secret was robbed again on Thursday, and, at this point, repeated theft seems to be what the panty paradise wants.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked into the string of knicker nippers and found that the criminal episodes may stem from a printing error in the Daily News Journal, an overpriced blog that is printed on paper and sold to the public (which seems like a solid business model in the year of our Lord 2017).

In 2015, the Daily News Journal ran a coupon for Victoria’s Secret, but a printing error resulted in the coupon reading:

“Victoria’s Secret. Just Come Steal Everything!”

The Tribune Investigative Team found that over twenty different thefts have occurred at Victoria’s Secret in the two years since the coupon was printed, which is the approximate readership of the Daily News Journal. No coincidence, indeed.

To the delight of the marketing firm hired to help trouser trappers run away with unmentionables, the coupon appears to be highly effective. After all, the store was robbed.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

We get it.

Stop.

It won’t stop.

You made your point.

Can’t stop.

There are so many more.

This story is developing. And by developing we mean this place is just going to keep getting robbed, reporting the robbery to the police, taking up taxpayer resources, and writing off the stolen goods as a loss.

Rinse, repeat, and whatever you do don’t implement any reasonable security practices.

Alabama Fan’s Home Defaced with Vegetables, Weight Loss Cookbooks

July 13, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Vandalism rocked Murfreesboro again on Thursday when vandals struck a local trailer park and draped steamed vegetables on the door handles of a trailer belonging to Billy Kipp, a well known University of Alabama Football fan.

The vandals also spray painted the phone number of a GED completion program on the side of the trailer and littered healthy lifestyle weight loss cookbooks throughout the yard.

The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating the vandalism as a hate crime and have contacted appropriate federal authorities.

“We think it is clear that the vandals know the materials that are morally repugnant to Alabama Football Fans, including health, hygiene, education, and overall likeability,” said Detective Sow Bryant.

“I’m not sure what to think,” said Kipp, between wheezing breaths. “I know the thirteen Alabama Football decals on the side my trailer and the Roll Tide flags hanging on every corner of the house let people know who lives here.”

“Roll Tide,” Kipp added, even though no one said anything to him about anything.

Kipp told The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team that he has heard of vegetables before, but his regular diet of Velveeta cheese, sweet tea, pork rinds, and Sun Drop doesn’t make room for them.

The University of Alabama Alumni Association issued a statement denouncing the vandalism as inconsistent with the fabric of Alabama Football Fans:

The University of Alabama is deeply troubled and saddened by the vandalism against the homes of our fans. This is a deliberate act of hate. We truly appreciate the immediate show of support and solidarity from our fellow fans, who undoubtedly also have obnoxious shit all over their yard and vehicles. However, we are still saddened that this happened in the first place.

A vigil is planned on Friday evening in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Roebuck Avenue. More details are forthcoming.

Two City Employees Retire After Winning Nigerian Lottery

July 10, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stroke of luck, it appears that at least two city employees recently won the Nigerian Lottery, per City of Murfreesboro email records.

Debbie Vincent, 46, and Mike Hammons, 52, submitted letters of resignation on Friday after various emails confirmed that each had won a stake in the “NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES.”

On Wednesday, July 5, Vincent and Hammons received similar emails from the International Claims Department of Nigeria, which sounds like a legitimate business.

We are pleased to inform you that you are one of the declared winners of the NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES held on JULY 1, 2017, in the 2nd category. We have made many unsuccessful attempts to contact you regarding this winning. You are therefore entitled to a sum of $17,000,000.00. This is from the total prize money of $170,000,000.00 US DOLLARS that was shared and presented among the other 10 declared 2ND CATEGORY winners.

“I’m still in shock,” said Vincent. “I cashed the check they sent me and made sure to send the Nigerian Lottery my City of Murfreesboro User ID and Password, which they said was required to claim my money. Now I’m rich!”

“PCB,” said Hammons, walking out of City Hall after turning over a copy of his employee identification card. “Had to send the original employee card to the Nigerians to claim my prize. I’ll catch you bitches on the flip side.”

In unrelated news, two branches of the City of Murfreesboro Emergency Services were crippled by ransomware hacking last week.

July 5th Truce Declared to Recover Bodies of Fallen Fireworks

July 5, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “mutual interests in respecting the fallen,” rival  gangs of young street toughs in the Garrison Cove subdivision declared a truce on Wednesday from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., so that each may recover fallen fireworks from an explosive July 4th firefight.

“I have never seen more explosions than this year,” said Jayden Wayne, a member of the Murfree Bombers, which controls most of the lemonade imports throughout North Murfreesboro. “We spent months preparing, knowing it was coming, and now all that’s left is a mess in the streets.”

“We know they’re running lemonade on our turf,” said Bryleigh Franklin, a member of the Rutherford Originals, which holds complete control of the lunch snack black market in local elementary schools. “And some day, we will take revenge for that. But we all know that the right thing to do is to clean up the streets.”

It is common in battle for competing sides to declare a truce to allow each side to recover its fallen soldiers, and the street toughs in Murfreesboro are no exception.

“Today is not a day for fighting,” said Skylar Riggs, of the Murfree Bombers. “Tomorrow will come, and then our sides will return to war. At some point, there is only so many Pokemon cards to go around.”

No child cared to comment on whether The League of Make-Believe is involved in the mayhem, as the neighborhood lives in fear the shadowy crime syndicate that operates a drug smuggling ring throughout Middle Tennessee.

Neighbor Hates Fireworks, Sarcastically Reports 700 Gun Shots to Police

July 3, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department found itself overwhelmed on Sunday night by a frequent caller, sixty-three year old Jim Simpson of Banner Drive in North Murfreesboro, who called repeatedly to report gunfire, knowing that it wasn’t gunfire, but just trying to get someone to stop the frequent fireworks in his neighborhood.

According to MPD Spokesman Roman Candela, the calls from Simpson began around 8:00 p.m. on Sunday night, and increased in frequency as the night grew longer. A written summary indicated that Simpson called to report gunfire in his neighborhood on every single call except one, in which Simpson asked dispatch whether it preferred mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.

Despite frequent attempts to inform Mr. Simpson that the claimed gunfire is likely a fireworks celebration, the calls continued, increasing in frustration and repeatedly requesting for police presence in the otherwise calm neighborhood.

Throughout the evening, it became clear that Mr. Simpson knew that the noises were not gunfire, but demanded a police response to stop the continued fireworks in his neighborhood.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was able to obtain certain audio recordings from the Police Department, excerpts of which are posted below.

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: Uh, yeah, I think I just heard gunfire.
D: Ok, sir, where are you located?
JS: I’m on Banner Drive, over by the — sumbitch there’s another one!
D: Sir, I didn’t catch that.
JS: I’m on the ground, young man. On the ground! It sounds like Chicago Land out here.
D: Alright, sir. I need your address.
[Inaudible]
D: Sir, I think I just hear fireworks.
JS: That’s not possible! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, are you calling to report fireworks?
JS: I’m not sure I appreciate your tone!
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s like Korea out here!
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: If you were in Korea, you would already know!
D: Sir, we need to keep these lines open for emergencies.
JS: This is an emergency! Someone is firing rounds of a semi-automatic weapon in a neighborhood. There are kids here!
D: Sir, I think we have discussed that those are fireworks.
JS: No way! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t—
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s my dog! I think he had a heart attack!
D: Ok, sir, can you state your location?
JS: Yes, I’m on Banner Drive.
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: No?
D: Mr. Simpson, please stop calling the Department.
JS: My dogs are losing their s**t from all this gunfire!
D: Sir, it is not gunfire.
JS: But it can’t be fireworks! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, if you do not stop calling, we are going to have to send an officer to arrest you.
JS: Good! Send an officer. Something has to be done about all this gunfire. Kibbles is having a f***ing conniption fit.
[Disconnect]

EDITOR’S NOTE: Prior to publication, Mr. Simpson called about three hundred more times. This story is developing.

Commenters Distraught at Business Closing, Never Spent One Cent There

June 26, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke on Friday that a beloved local business, the Fartful Bagel, will close its doors to the public. The last day for the Fartful Bagel was Saturday.

In response to the announced closing, hundreds of commenters on social media have expressed infinite sadness, egomaniacally shifting attention away from a failed local business and the related emotional grief of the owners and placing the spotlight squarely on themselves, because, you know, now they can’t go get a snack from a place they went that one time, which is pretty much just as bad.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked further into the comments and, surprisingly, it seems that very few of the people expressing dismay at the business closing even spent one damn dollar of their own money to support the owners.

“Oh no!!” said one commenter, with the double exclamation point to let you know that she is significantly hurt. “I never got to make it in there but had always wanted to!” Oh. Well, she really wanted to go. So that counts for something, right?

“We really enjoyed the time we did come in,” wrote another commenter, emphasizing the one damn time she managed to make it to the store in the eighteen months that the store was open to the public. How in the world could this place have closed with your incredible support?

One commenter tagged a friend and wrote “guess we will never get to try this place!!!” As if they never had a chance to park in the parking lot, walk in the door, and spend a few bucks on a donut in the five hundred or so days that the shop was open for business.

Here at The Tribune, we recommend actually spending money at local businesses, instead of waiting for the business to close and expressing your confusion at how a place that you never gave money to couldn’t quite make it.

In related news, The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has found that the comment “Prayers!” has resulted in significant medical improvement for individuals suffering from illness, so keep on doing that too.

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