MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Snowpocalypse 2019! To celebrate, the Rutherford County School System held an abbreviated school day, consisting of a frozen drive to school and a brief stint in the dropoff line.

“I want to ensure the public that schools are open,” said Schools Spokesman Jim Bevins. “So make sure to bring your kids in. Also, schools are now closed.”

Parents were thrilled with the decision to close school after waking up early, preparing breakfast, wrangling their little shits out of bed, declining to pursue childcare because school was not canceled, ensuring their respective workplaces that school was in and they could attend, making plans to attend work, scraping snow and ice off their cars, arriving to school and waiting in line behind Janet and her goddamn mini van, and threatening physical violence against the car line monitor who happened to be the bearer of bad news.

“It’s important that the public knows that we do not take these decisions lightly,” Bevins added. “We have consulted our magic eight ball and we are confident that school should be closed immediately.”

Bevins shook his eight ball aggressively and added “outlook not so good.”

At the time of publication, schools have been called back into session but then subsequently canceled.

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