Author: SamClemens (Page 2 of 12)

Group Gathers at Local Hospital, Protests Naming Newborn Baby “Raider”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Protesters filled the parking lot of Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital on Thursday in opposition of newborn baby Raider Allen Johnson, born late Wednesday evening.

The protest focused on the name Raider, which protesters have called offensive, insensitive, and culturally unacceptable.

“The word Raider brings up all kinds of negative connotations,” said protester Thomas Jenkins. “We understand that there may be a perfectly legitimate reason for naming this child Raider, but the parents should understand that if some part of the community can be offended by another interpretation of a naming choice, that name has got to be stopped at all costs.”

Other protesters echoed that, while there may be a legitimate reason for the name, such as family lineage or just personal preference, the fact that the name could be loosely tied to racism means it should be banned from use.

“Listen, I’m all for Myleigh, Briley, Hexley, Hylee, Tyleigh, Aiden, Braden, Jaden, Kaden, Paiden, and all the other ways that white people can just destroy first names,” said protester Faith Killion, whose children, Payzlee and Braisley were also present. “But you keep that racist Raider bullshit out of here.”

When asked if she would approve the name Rayderr (with two “R” at the end), she immediately changed her tune.

“Wow that’s so unique and creative,” she said. “I really like it.”

At the time of this story, the protesters have asked the community to take a stand against this word, whether or not the parents meant it to be racist or not.

“It’s time to take a stand,” protesters yelled. “If we are offended, you should be too!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

UT Fans Prepare for Annual Bowl Game Bye

KNOXVILLE, TN – In what has become a beloved Tennessee tradition, University of Tennessee football fans are making plans for an Annual Bowl Game Bye.

“It’s awesome,” said Jake AllVol. “Our family enjoys taking trips around the holidays and we are so happy to make those plans and not have to worry about a college bowl game.”

The holiday tradition originated in the 1960s, but returned recently thanks to former High School Football State Champion Derek Dooley and the 2011 Tennessee Volunteers, who ushered in a renewed era of middling mediocracy.

“I think that Dooley knew we needed a break,” said Vols fan G.B. Orange. “Winning is great, but giving your fans some time off is the true test of commitment.”

Despite a perennial label of a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” by that one obnoxious jackass at work, the Tennessee Volunteers have enjoyed a Bowl Game Bye for five of the last eight seasons.

The Bowl Game Bye was briefly suspended from 2014 to 2016, when star quarterback Josh Dobbs led the Volunteers to three consecutive bowl games. Fans quickly complained of the additional games, which interrupted holiday plans, and the Tennessee Volunteers returned to form in recent years.

“They heard us loud and clear,” said Tennessee fan Linda Fulmer. “Butch Jones laid the path back to a Bowl Game Bye brick by brick, and the Vols are walking that road.”

If you’re interested in real life football and not overhyped-and-destined-to-underperformed talks of “next year,” you can watch the following college football teams from the State of Tennessee actually play football this year: Vanderbilt, Memphis, and Middle Tennessee State.

It doesn’t have to be a bye week, guys.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Your Friend is on Vacation Right Now, In Case You Missed the 894 Posts

SOME TROPICAL PARADISE – According to the eight hundred and ninety-four social media posts, including two hundred and sixteen photos posted to Facebook, one hundred and thirty-two tweets, one hundred and fourteen Instagram photos, sixty-eight Snapchat stories, three check-ins on FourSquare (this is still a thing?!), and three hundred and sixty-one updates to an Instagram day, your friend is currently on vacation.

Your Friend’s Social Media Updates
Facebook Photos: 216

Tweets: 132
Instagram Photos: 114
Snapchat Story Updates: 68
FourSquare Check-Ins: 3
Instagram Day Updates: 361

“Just out here relaxing,” she wrote in post, somehow taking a picture while floating in the middle of the cruise ship pool.

“Wow, she must be really happy,” she said to herself, pretending that’s what her friends would think.

At the time of publication, it is unclear what is driving the social media frenzy. Possible sources include the inexplicable need to brag about your life on social media and other related causes, such as depression, loneliness, the need for emotional support from an internet provider, general instability, boredom, and keeping up with the Joneses on social media.

Happiness and contentment have been ruled out as contributing sources, as she may have put her damn phone down if she felt even a glimmer of either.

“It feels so good to unplug and relax!” she wrote in a follow-up post, while ironically forced to plug in her phone to provide power for continued social media updates.

UPDATE: she just posted seven more times. We cracked nine hundred!

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

MTSU Football Excited for One More Home Game in Empty Stadium

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders won the Conference USA East Division this past weekend, beating the heavily-favored UAB Blazers and earning the right to host the Conference USA Championship Game at the massive, cavernous, and inevitably-empty Floyd Stadium. And the MTSU players and coaches wouldn’t have it any other way.

“It’s an exciting win for this team,” said MTSU Head Coach Rick Standstill. “And to think that we earned one more home game in front of all of these empty seats. Nothing makes me happier than watching the tens of people in the stands cheering us on. It’s exhilarating.”

MTSU hosted five home games in the regular season this year, averaging sixteen fans per game. Fans in attendance each week were strongly encouraged to sit where they could not be seen by players and coaches, preventing an interruption of the atmosphere of disregard for the program and complete apathy.

“Sometimes it’s hard to get worked up for away games,” said MTSU Quarterback Brent Standstill. “Those schools have fans that yell and cheer, which is so distracting. Home games are so much better. When we know that we get to play at home in front of a completely empty stadium, miles away from anyone who gives a damn about our team, we always play at our best.”

Tickets for the game went on sale Monday.

MTSU Athletic Director Kris Mossimo immediately purchased every ticket for the game and lit them on fire.

“My job is to build what’s best for this program,” said Mossimo. “And, if history shows anything, it shows that our city understands that the most important thing for our football team is keeping that stadium completely empty.”

“And I mean empty,” he added, pointing a finger towards those present. “You stay the hell home.”

“Go Vols,” Mossimo muttered to himself while drowning out the smoldering ashes of a stadium full of tickets.

(Hey you there reading this article. Maybe put down your phone, buy a ticket to the game, and go support your damn hometown team.)

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Resumes Steady Diet of Eating Its Own

MURFREESBORO, TN – A mere two months after granting the wish of so many and shuttering its doors, the Urban Occupants returned to Facebook with penchant for pettiness, launching an all-out polling war on news publications.

“It feels good to be back,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “It feels even better to be back and to be mercilessly fighting with each other over the most meaningless shit on earth.”

Taking a slow sip of hot tea, Frakes added: “Ah, it just feels right.”

On November 16, Urban Occupants Moderator Robby Wolfman Jr. created a poll to gauge the feelings of the group. Wolfman must have believed that the Urban Occupants, which will resort to threatening the lives of each other over the internal rules of a completely voluntary social media sub-group, would peaceably reach a consensus on one single issue, a feat that experts predict has occurred in this group a total of zero times.

Surprising no one in the world, the poll created even more division, leading to personal attacks, general anxiety, and inexplicably entitled demands for immediate action from a set of volunteer moderators.

“We demand action now!” wrote one commenter, who regularly enjoys the unpaid work of the moderators, but now expects these same unpaid moderators to work-for-free even faster.

As of the time this article is published, debates endlessly rage over trash pickup, historic district rezoning, meat sales, and religious liberties.

Welcome back, Urban Occupants.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Council Pledged Tax Incentives, Virgin Sacrifice in Failed Amazon HQ2 Bid

MURFREESBORO, TN – In one of the most startling stories in local politics since teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was not asked to the Murfreesboro Sadie Hawkins Dance, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered disturbing details surrounding the local bid to land Amazon’s highly-coveted “HQ2.”

“I can confirm that the city made a very competitive offer for Amazon,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland when reached for comment in his home driveway.

“I’m going to refrain from giving details at this time,” he added, as if we can’t go through his trash or personal papers.

Through an expanded investigation, which included Mayor McHarland’s trash can and the back seat of Eddie Silverman’s Dodge Stratus, the only poor bastard who left his car open, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team learned more about the city’s failed Amazon bid.

The Murfreesboro Amazon HQ 2 Bid included:

  • Tax Incentives totaling enough to buy all of the Demos’ restaurants and possibly Peter Demos himself.
  • One kidney from an unidentified donor, which could be redeemed by any member of the Amazon Board of Directors.
  • Mayor McHarland’s personal collection of Jim Varney movies, including the extremely rare “Ernest In Da Hood.”
  • At least one virgin, and possibly as many as four virgins, to be sacrificed at a time and place selected by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Notes from Silverman’s truck indicated that Silverman once read about virgin sacrifices in a TV Guide and, since TV Guide dictates much of Silverman’s policy positions, he proposed the inclusion in the final bid.

Other notes from Silverman expressed frustration that Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin failed to contribute to the virgin search, saying instead that he didn’t know any women who were virgins after their meeting. “I close deals,” Martin reportedly told Silverman. “It’s what I do.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Reeves-Sain Closing Update: Fred’s Pledges to Execute Swiftly, Humanely

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning turn of events, discount retailer Fred’s announced plans to close Reeves-Sain Drug Store in Murfreesboro.

“I know what we all thought,” said Fred’s Vice President of Local Store Destruction Monty Burns. “We all thought that a massive discount chain was the perfect fit to keep this mom and pop soda shop alive. Turns out we were flagrantly wrong.”

Fred’s purchased Reeves-Sain in 2015 for $66 Million(!), which is significantly more than it would take for The Tribune Staff to kill a man. Like seriously. We would do it for a fraction of that.

Over the past year, Fred’s, Walgreens, and Rite Aid have just started using Monopoly money to buy shit, making asset acquisition look as easy as picking up a sweet pair of $4 Velcro kicks from the Fred’s bargain bin.

Surprisingly absolutely no one, Walgreens has expressed little to no enthusiasm about keeping a small town milkshake counter that is conspicuously close to an Indian restaurant with “Pit” in the name.

“We want to ensure the community that the Reeves-Haynes Pharmacy will spend its final days resting with its loved ones,” Walgreens issued in a press release. “When the time comes, it will be put down humanely and peacefully.”

Reached for comment and notified that the shop is pronounced Reeves-Sain, a Walgreens spokesman added “well its about to be Reeves-closed.”

Police Investigate Bank Robbery, Crimes Against Fashion

MURFREESBORO, TN – A man dressed in a pinstripe suit wearing a fedora robbed the US Bank on Old Fort Parkway on Monday afternoon. The Murfreesboro Police are investigating the incident as at least two separate criminal offenses: Robbery with a Deadly Weapon and High Crimes Against Fashion.

“The real crime here is that fedora,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Jacynn Mraz. “We understand that a bank was robbed, but, even worse than the robbery itself, we are dealing with the emotional devastation from the tellers, employees, and other customers having to look at that hat.”

“I mean, what was he thinking?” Mraz added in disbelief.

According to police reports, the suspect entered the US Bank at Old Fort Parkway and passed the teller a note demanding money. The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team obtained a copy of the note, which read:

Hey Bank Teller. Give me all your money. I have a gun. Also, sorry about this fucking hat. It’s all that I had left in my mom’s basement. Also, if you have time, I play bass in a Blues Traveler cover band and we have a show Friday. HMU on Facebook.

“We know that our job is to protect the public from enemies both foreign and domestic,” said Mraz. “We are determined to find the man who committed this sartorial terrorism and bringing him to justice.”

As of the time this article is written, no arrests have been made.

We will be at the show Friday to see if this madman shows himself.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Shuts Down, Finally Hates Itself As Much As We Do

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “irreconcilable conflicts with basic norms of human decency,” the Urban Occupants, a relatively inconspicuous group of self-obsessed rabble rousers, closed its proverbial doors on Thursday, fueling speculation by absolutely no one as to why it happened.

“All good things come to an end,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “So do awful things. And so do things that are worse than awful, like this group of soulless savages.”

The move surprised approximately three people who had ever come in contact with the group. Everyone else knew how toxic the group had become and each nodded in approval when the group finally shut its doors.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes, so too will these constant complainers find another page to complain. Until then, use your imagination to fill your life with people unnecessarily injecting politics into your life or complaining about any type of new construction that could ever exist with thirty square miles of their home.

Hats off to you, Urban Occupants. You will be missed.

Then again, we aren’t sure who will miss you, but maybe someone.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Fans Prepare for “Be a Vol” Monday: Just Won’t Show Up

MURFREESBORO, TN – University of Tennessee fans throughout Middle Tennessee are gearing up for “Be a Vol” Monday, which allows UT Fans of all shapes and stripes to live a day like a True Tennessee Volunteer. Tomorrow, “Be a Vol” Monday will feature the most prominent performance from this past weekend: like a True Tennessee Volunteer against West Virginia, UT Fans simply won’t show up.

“We decided that the best thing we can do for ‘Be a Vol’ Monday tomorrow is to reenact an authentic Tennessee performance,” said Phil Volman, President of the University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee. “And what better way to reenact the game against West Virginia than to just not show up?”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Sports Report informed Volman that the Volunteers actually did appear at the West Virginia game this past weekend, but Volman refused to agree.

“You kidding me?” Volman added. “Did you watch the same game I watched?”

Tennessee fans who want to take part in “Be a Vol” Monday are encouraged to follow the guidelines below.



1. Don’t Show Up.
This week, to truly be a Vol, don’t show up. Don’t even pretend to show up. We don’t care if you’re getting beat by three scores. Just keep mailing it in. We have to make this authentic guys, so don’t even take the risk of showing up.

2. If You Do Show Up, Don’t Try.
This is critical. If you somehow mistakenly end up on the field, don’t try. Like at all. Let your co-workers run laps around you, don’t try and complete even the most basic job functions, send the message to your supporters that this week doesn’t really matter. I mean, just really put on your “f*** this job” face.

3. Remain Insistent that the University of Tennessee Will Win the National Championship.
Because how can we be Vols fans if we aren’t naming ourselves a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” every year? Duh.

The University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee reiterated the excitement of returning to action next weekend against East Tennessee State, who didn’t even have a football program five years ago.

“Can’t wait to get back on track to that National Championship,” said Volman. “Go Vols!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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