Tag: Save Yourself

Reports of Ice Plunge Local Grocery Store Into Anarchy, Tribal Warfare

MURFREESBORO, TN – Weather reports predicting ice and potential snowfall have catapulted Murfreesboro and Middle Tennessee into senseless violence and anarchy as citizens fight to the death for bread, milk, and kettle chips.

Temperatures fell significantly on Friday and the threat of ice storms blanketed the city, as precipitation mixed with low temperatures to create a Southern driver’s worst nightmare: anything but a sunny country road with some George Jones on the radio.

The Murfreesboro Police Department received at least six reports of violence at the Publix on South Rutherford Boulevard. The first call was received at approximately 11:00 a.m., shortly after word spread throughout the store that ice may be present in the parking lot outside. The store quickly descended into violence, as if everyone had huffed on the same can of spray paint and lost their damn mind.

“At first, I didn’t notice anything suspicious,” said one witness to the initial altercation. “But then someone mentioned that there may be ice on the roads, and things just went shit backwards.”

At the time this article is written, the Publix on South Rutherford has descended into tribal warfare. We encourage our readers to steer clear of that location. The produce department stands at war with the bakery, with respective chiefs dueling for rights to the east side of the grocery store. Another battle rages on between the salad dressing aisle and baking aisle.

This story is developing.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Town Home Builders Propose Agent Orange, Napalm for Oaklands

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last month, much to the dismay of conservationists and several nearby bitchy residents, a home builder proposed ninety-one town homes to be built near the Oaklands Mansion and nearby wetlands on North Highland Avenue.

The plan to build townhomes in close proximity to the Oaklands Mansion and the wetlands near Sinking Creek drew immediate criticism from at least seven citizens, who took loudly to social media and didn’t have much else to do but complain on Facebook and Twitter.

In the past few weeks, if you have witnessed the frenzy on social media, you may have learned that a land developer plans to drop at least three payloads of Agent Orange, Napalm, and other biological weapons of ecological destruction on the site of a proposed town home site.

On Thursday, protesters provided leaked documents to the Tribune, drawn up on the back of a Cookout napkin, which set out the first phase of construction: complete and utter desolation of every living thing in the Oaklands Wetlands, using only the most toxic, transmutable, and offensive chemical agents known to man.

“This is exactly what we expected,” said some lady in Birkenstocks. “It is now clear that these land developers just want to rape mother nature and murder our plant life.”

“It’s almost as if these people are trying to just make money or build nice new things,” this likely herbal tea drinker added. “Did anyone stop to think about the willows that grow near the creek?”

ParksLambSwansonMurfreeCorp, the company responsible for site development, declined to comment, instead asking who we were and why we were peeking over the bathroom stall.

This story is developing (pun intended thank you).

Food Riots Erupt After One Inch of Snowfall

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department has declared a state of emergency in various neighborhoods of Murfreesboro after approximately one inch of snow spurred rioting and food shortages.

It began snowing early Tuesday  morning, which, on any given day, has the potential to throw the city into a state of panic.

Around 8:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, authorities received an anonymous tip that three men were fighting in the aisle at the Kroger on Middle Tennessee Boulevard. Within minutes, at least seven other fights were confirmed throughout the store.

Authorities have been quick to respond to the violence, calling for peace, safety, and every damn man for himself.

“This city needs to focus on what is important right now,” said MPD Spokesman John Snow, clutching a bag filled with assorted dry goods and some Funyuns. “Take care of you and yours at whatever cost it takes.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team arrived at Kroger to investigate, and to lock up whatever E.L. Fudge cookies were left on the shelves, and spoke with various rioters at the scene.

“Get what you can!” yelled an unnamed rioter, who had covered her face with a bandana and grabbed a package of day-old cookies. “You know this stuff is going to be gone soon!”

This story is developing.