Tag: Obvious News

Report: No One Cares About Your Kid’s Halloween Costume

November 1, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a newly released report from the University of Tennessee, research has shown that not a single damn person cares about all those pictures of your kid’s Halloween costume.

The University of Tennessee Department of Obvious Information released the report, aptly titled the Spare Us Oh Gods of Social Media Report.

The Report makes various findings, which include:

  • Your kid is not the cutest kid in the world.
  • Your kid probably isn’t even the cutest bumblebee, tiger, piggy, bunny, puppy, kitty kat, princess, porcupine, rugby player, or drunk taxi driver at Halloween this year.
  • Your kid looks the same in the fortieth picture as he did in the first, so let’s leave those last three hundred out of the album.
  • Your spouse looks miserable. Let’s stop taking pictures and tend to your marriage.
  • No one on social media gives a shit about your kid’s pictures.
  • For every person who stops to “like” your picture on social media, approximately thirteen more think “wow this person may have a diagnosed oversharing disorder.”

Mothers on social media immediately criticized the report because, seriously, look how cute their kid is in that outfit!

Abstinence Group Endorses Pokémon Go Because Those Guys Aren’t Getting Laid Anyways

July 18, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates (MAA) endorsed Pokémon Go as its preferred leisure activity on Monday and issued a statement that the gameplay of Pokémon Go fits the MAA Mission of abstinence and isolationism.

The Mission of Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates is to promote healthy choices among youth to reduce the risks of sexual activity. MAA will work to provide safe and healthy alternatives to sexual activity through distraction, misdirection, and general shaming of masturbation.

“We strive to provide social opportunities that have virtually no chance of anyone having sex,” said MAA President Jenny Collins, who looked lustfully at the writer of this article, eyes dancing with forbidden fire, “and Pokémon Go knocks that out of the park.”

“I mean, look at the guys wandering around town with their phones out,” Collins added. “Those are abstinence warriors.”

Pokemon Go is an augmented reality video game, played through cell phones, in which users have an opportunity to capture various characters in a Poke Ball and viciously drag those characters away from their families and loved ones.

Proponents of Pokémon Go hail the game as an opportunity for otherwise isolated gamers to get out of their homes, exercise, and socialize with other players.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team researched the proposed benefits of Pokémon Go and found that Pokémon Go offers a unique type of exercise and socialization.

  • Pokémon Go Exercise. A slow, zombie-like walk around the grounds of public places, which often leads to players being confused with someone who desperately needs to poop lurching towards the restroom as feces slowly escapes their sphincter.
  • Pokémon Go Socialization. Standing near other people in real life, but never removing your eyes from your cell phone screen and never, under any circumstances, physically communicating with other humans. And traffic? Forget about it. Just walk into the road.

“We are thrilled for this partnership,” said Collins, who by this time had casually unbuttoned her top button, playing it off like she didn’t want a sneak peek at the writer of this article’s Jigglypuff, “Pokémon Go allows our members to be in public, but not pay attention to anyone, and no interaction means a lower chance at sexual activity.”

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