Tag: Local Government

Candidate Who Never Cared About Voting Now Really Wants You to Vote

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Election Day, Murfreesboro! That time of year where strangers jump into our personal space to explain how they are going to save America by serving on our local road board.

In a surprising turn of events, a guy that you have known for years, who has never mentioned state or local elections one time, even in passing or on social media, has evolved into a passionate advocate for involvement in state and local elections, with an emphasis on everyone voting for him.

Meet Jesse Pinkel, Candidate for Murfreesboro City School Board. Jesse, 34, is an accountant with Dewey Dickham & Howe. Prior to this year, Jesse was unaware that this city even held elections. However, now that he is running for office, he believes that you and every red-blooded American should fight earth, wind, and fire to get to your polling station on election day.

Pinkel has posted approximately eight hundred and sixty-seven status updates to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram since yesterday morning, which no one close to him has had the heart to tell him have earned his campaign the combined love and affection generally given to posts from Plexus and That Crazy Wrap Thing.

Recently, Pinkel took a bold stand in the election, offering services to orphans in exchange for votes, but passively threatening orphans if you don’t get on this make-school-boards-great-again train.


Polls will close at 7:00 p.m. tonight, at which time Pinkel will let his Facebook followers know whether he loves them all or plans to burn this place to the ground.

Citizens Demand District Representation for Whore Houses

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Election Commission will consider a petition to change the current location of whore houses throughout Murfreesboro, at the request of local entrepreneur Luther “Sweet Lou” Shirley.

The recent request to change the structure of a seven-member all at-large elected Murfreesboro City Council inspired Sweet Lou, who describes himself as a “talent manager,” to seek equal distribution of whore houses throughout the city.

According to Sweet Lou, it’s impossible for whores who all live on one side of Murfreesboro to serve the entire city. He seemed disinterested in the fact that the current whore houses have led to tremendous growth and success in the city.

“There are over 100,000 people who live in this town spread out over fifty square miles,” said Sweet Lou, “and they should all have access to my women.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team found that the seven whore houses that currently serve Murfreesboro are all located within two miles of each other in North Murfreesboro.

Sweet Lou is worried that automotive technology may not provide a way for hookers to travel quickly from one side of town to the other. He is also concerned that hookers may struggle to find some form of modern telecommunication to interact with potential customers in different parts of the city.

“How people gonna get to my hoes?” asked Sweet Lou. “You got seven houses on the same block running women and I’m up here across town wondering where my ladies at. I don’t care that the current setup works. ‘Dem hoes need to live here.”

The seven whore houses currently serving the City of Murfreesboro include:

Longford Lounge
Owner: Sugar Shane McHarland
2911 Longford Drive

The Hideaway Off Jones
Owner: Big Rob Washington
1107 Trinity Drive

Prestige Worldwide
Owner: Ol’ Don Young
1746 Somerset Drive

Boats ‘N Hoes
Owner: Fast Eddie Silverman
707 Woodmont Drive

Ladies’ Choice
Owner: Straddlin’ Madeline Hales
511 Archer Avenue

Buckingham Palace
Owner: Tricky Dick LaChance
1414 Buckingham Drive

All Good at Glenwood
Owner: Diamond Bill Hackett
1006 Glenwood Drive