Tag: Fourth of July

Local Dogs Break Twitter in Response to 20 Minutes of Rain, Unadulterated Peace on July 4th

MURFREESBORO – On the Fourth of July, countless dogs in the Murfreesboro area hid in horror as terrorists in the streets detonated explosives to torment the dogs helplessly trapped in nearby homes.

Around 9:00 p.m. on Monday night, in what local dogs are describing as “the Hand of our Cuddle Savior,” the skies opened up and emptied twenty minutes of torrential rain upon the pagan and ritualistic fireworks in the streets.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team scoured the internet and found that the canine response on social media showed an overwhelming feeling of excitement when the rain stopped the fireworks, which was quickly followed by sheer terror when the parade of explosions returned, as the dogs assumed, to brutally murder both dogs and owners.

Patches (@ItsPatchesYall), a seven year old Chihuahua from the Cason Lane area, immediately took to Twitter in celebration when the rain forced an end to fireworks.

Patches Tweet

Only minutes later, however, the rain stopped, the explosions returned, and Patches issued a fearful and cryptic tweet.

Patches Tweet 2

Cooper (@BitchesLoveCoop), a Border Collie from North Murfreesboro, panicked as soon as the fireworks stopped and he could not find his owner.

Cooper Tweet

Fandango (@FandangoBarks), a three year old Golden Doodle from Downtown Murfreesboro rode a roller coaster of emotions on Twitter in a single tweet.

Fandango Tweet

It didn’t take long for the City of Murfreesboro to respond, noting that, although the dogs were terrified, they likely had loving owners who spent the evening trying to save the pups from misery.

Mboro Tweet

At least one local dog wasn’t buying it. Paul (@ADogNamedPaul), a chocolate lab who lives in an undisclosed location near Bradyville Pike, refused to accept the City’s response.

Paul Tweet

This story is developing. Anyone with information on the canine response on social media is encouraged to contact the Tribune Investigative Team.

Report: It’s 2:00 A.M. And Your Ass-Hat Neighbor Is Still Shooting Fireworks

MURFREESBORO – It’s 2:00 a.m. and Billy-what’s-his-name from two doors down just launched his seventeenth consecutive Explosion Extravaganza into the early morning air.

Welcome to the weekend of hell in your subdivision.

Sure, Billy is a working man, but he has set off fireworks with his kids for four consecutive nights now and excuse you if you’re a bit tired of talking your French Bulldog off the ledge as he barks his vocal chords out to protect you from what he must believe is a full scale military invasion directly outside of your home.

Your kids understand, of course, as you rationally explain to them why everything outside of the small room that they know and love sounds like an active warzone in Vietnam.

As your neighbors celebrate America and Freedom in an explosive white trash bash, take solace in the fact that it won’t end tonight, or tomorrow night, or two nights from now, because these people are going to burn through every Made-in-China-wick at their disposal— peace, love, and civility be damned.

It’s (within a couple days of) July 4th, America! If you got it, blow it up!