MURFREESBORO, TN – In what analysts are calling the most celebrated election since Harold Jackson was voted Chairman of the Board of Oscar Mayer, Inc., Hillary Clinton will ride a wave of social media posts and public support on Election Night to a presumed United States Presidency.
This article is being written at 5:00 p.m. Central Time on Tuesday, as the writer of this article has a date with a bottle of Tito’s Vodka, a pack of Slim Jims, and some hanky panky with Jazminn from BackPage (she is only dancing to pay her way through college).
To celebrate this monumental milestone, which social media spheres, media pundits, and paid pollsters (who do this for a living, as their only job, by the way) have all but guaranteed, we took to the street to find out what you think.
From the Street: What do you think about Hillary Clinton’s inevitable victory in the United States Presidential Election?
“Wow. Just wow. I’m so glad that America finally woke up and agreed with everything I say. Let’s be real. If you don’t agree with HRC or my views on this, you’re a vicious race-baiting sexist bastard who only lives on white privilege anyways. Good job, America!”
Hailey Marks, College Student
“It’s awesome! It’s so good to know that the media, pollsters, and all my friends agree that this thing is over! I’m turning off my phone for the night and I’m just going to celebrate this milestone. Nothing can stop us now! Let’s go Hillary!”
Mark Rollins, Hair Stylist
“I’m just so glad that the small amount of people in this country who support Trump are getting what they deserve. Those racist, xenophobic, backwards country hicks can take the Southern states and shove it. No way that places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Florida, or Arizona support Trump. It’s over!”
Melanie Hix, Real Estate Agent
“Uhh, shouldn’t we wait a second before celebrating? What if Trump wins?”
Jake Rogers, Racist Woman-Hating Monster