Category: Local Events (page 1 of 2)

Reports of Ice Plunge Local Grocery Store Into Anarchy, Tribal Warfare

MURFREESBORO, TN – Weather reports predicting ice and potential snowfall have catapulted Murfreesboro and Middle Tennessee into senseless violence and anarchy as citizens fight to the death for bread, milk, and kettle chips.

Temperatures fell significantly on Friday and the threat of ice storms blanketed the city, as precipitation mixed with low temperatures to create a Southern driver’s worst nightmare: anything but a sunny country road with some George Jones on the radio.

The Murfreesboro Police Department received at least six reports of violence at the Publix on South Rutherford Boulevard. The first call was received at approximately 11:00 a.m., shortly after word spread throughout the store that ice may be present in the parking lot outside. The store quickly descended into violence, as if everyone had huffed on the same can of spray paint and lost their damn mind.

“At first, I didn’t notice anything suspicious,” said one witness to the initial altercation. “But then someone mentioned that there may be ice on the roads, and things just went shit backwards.”

At the time this article is written, the Publix on South Rutherford has descended into tribal warfare. We encourage our readers to steer clear of that location. The produce department stands at war with the bakery, with respective chiefs dueling for rights to the east side of the grocery store. Another battle rages on between the salad dressing aisle and baking aisle.

This story is developing.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

From the Street: Weinermobile Hits Middle Tennessee

The Weinermobile, a beloved automobile built in the shape of an Oscar Mayer Weiner, will make stops in Smyrna and Murfreesboro this week in an effort to promote the company’s recent efforts to make their hot dogs healthier.

Here at the Tribune, we are a very serious news organization. Just because this article uses the word weiner doesn’t mean we would make penis jokes. Those would just be too hard to keep up.

[ba dum tsssh]

Our man Eddie Poe took to the streets to find out your thoughts on the phantastical phallic phenom working its way through Middle Tennessee. Fair warning, if this thing remains in town more than four hours, consult a doctor.

From the Street: What do you think about the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile coming to Middle Tennessee?


“A phallic, gas-guzzling machine resembling a food made of pig anus is going to be in town next week? Who’s going to be in D.C. voting to repeal Obamacare, then?”
Sally Samuelson, Program Specialist

 

I’ll pass. I used to be a Weinermobile groupie—no way they’re going to be able to match my crazy nights in the rent-by-the-hour hotels of Madison, Wisconsin.”
Ginger Nathans, Cashier

 

“I read about how Oscar Mayer made them free from artificial preservatives and by-products while avoiding added nitrites and nitrates, but I don’t know what any of that means.”
Bob Eufler, Insurance Salesman


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Neighbor Hates Fireworks, Sarcastically Reports 700 Gun Shots to Police

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department found itself overwhelmed on Sunday night by a frequent caller, sixty-three year old Jim Simpson of Banner Drive in North Murfreesboro, who called repeatedly to report gunfire, knowing that it wasn’t gunfire, but just trying to get someone to stop the frequent fireworks in his neighborhood.

According to MPD Spokesman Roman Candela, the calls from Simpson began around 8:00 p.m. on Sunday night, and increased in frequency as the night grew longer. A written summary indicated that Simpson called to report gunfire in his neighborhood on every single call except one, in which Simpson asked dispatch whether it preferred mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.

Despite frequent attempts to inform Mr. Simpson that the claimed gunfire is likely a fireworks celebration, the calls continued, increasing in frustration and repeatedly requesting for police presence in the otherwise calm neighborhood.

Throughout the evening, it became clear that Mr. Simpson knew that the noises were not gunfire, but demanded a police response to stop the continued fireworks in his neighborhood.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was able to obtain certain audio recordings from the Police Department, excerpts of which are posted below.

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: Uh, yeah, I think I just heard gunfire.
D: Ok, sir, where are you located?
JS: I’m on Banner Drive, over by the — sumbitch there’s another one!
D: Sir, I didn’t catch that.
JS: I’m on the ground, young man. On the ground! It sounds like Chicago Land out here.
D: Alright, sir. I need your address.
[Inaudible]
D: Sir, I think I just hear fireworks.
JS: That’s not possible! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, are you calling to report fireworks?
JS: I’m not sure I appreciate your tone!
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s like Korea out here!
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: If you were in Korea, you would already know!
D: Sir, we need to keep these lines open for emergencies.
JS: This is an emergency! Someone is firing rounds of a semi-automatic weapon in a neighborhood. There are kids here!
D: Sir, I think we have discussed that those are fireworks.
JS: No way! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t—
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s my dog! I think he had a heart attack!
D: Ok, sir, can you state your location?
JS: Yes, I’m on Banner Drive.
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: No?
D: Mr. Simpson, please stop calling the Department.
JS: My dogs are losing their s**t from all this gunfire!
D: Sir, it is not gunfire.
JS: But it can’t be fireworks! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, if you do not stop calling, we are going to have to send an officer to arrest you.
JS: Good! Send an officer. Something has to be done about all this gunfire. Kibbles is having a f***ing conniption fit.
[Disconnect]


EDITOR’S NOTE: Prior to publication, Mr. Simpson called about three hundred more times. This story is developing.

Abandon Your Kids at Arby’s (and Other Things to Do This Weekend)

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Get an STD in Manchester Go to Bonnaroo
Because those music festival goers have health, cleanliness, and personal hygiene in spades. Frolic and play all you’d like and make sure to bring home the gift that keeps on giving and truly lasts a lifetime: your preferred sexually transmitted disease.

2. Go to the Lake in Your Friend’s Boat
Whether he knows it or not. He didn’t buy that boat for you to not have fun, right? While he is at work, with his family, or just angrily watching from his living room window, go ahead and hook that boy up to your truck and enjoy some time at the lake!

3. Eat as Much FroYo as You Can at Sweet Cece’s Using Only the Sample Cup
They wouldn’t give you the sample cups if you weren’t supposed to use them. Pro Tip: ask to sample a flavor, enjoy the sample, and slowly nod your head while muttering an inquisitive “hmm.” This will tell the employee that you enjoy it, but that you may need to look further. Rinse and repeat for every flavor until they stop you.

4. Visit McDonald’s to Say Hey to the Cool Kid from High School
You all remember J.T., right? You may remember him as “Flash Muscles,” the nickname he made for himself. He goofed off a little too much, skipped class a little too much, and smoked pot a little too much. Now he scoops your fries at just the right pace. But hey, at least he bagged a lot of hot chicks in high school, for what that’s worth in his late twenties.

5. Leave Your Kids at Arby’s and Enjoy a Date Night
They’ll be fine. They’re almost six. Go have some you time.


If you have events that you would like to be submitted for future editions of “What to Do This Weekend,” you can send those events to murfreesborotribune@gmail.com.

Your Co-Worker Has Shit To Do This Weekend, Wants to Tell You All About It

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Friday, which means that you get to leave these talentless ass-hats at work in your rearview mirror and retreat to your home, free from water cooler small talk, passive sexual advances, and the break room thief who keeps swiping your dessert out of the fridge.

And then there’s Patty, your fifty-three year old Human Resources Director who speaks more than the guy next to you on the plane last month who fully failed to comprehend the appropriateness of a conversation with someone who is both wearing headphones and asleep.

Patty approaches you and your friend, Michael, in the break room. Would we call Michael a friend? Maybe. He is the guy at work that you share the most in common with, but you’re not really sure if you’d talk to him if you saw him at Kroger this weekend, so who really knows?

Hey, Patty, you say, turning to allow Michael to say hello as well.

Michael is gone. You apparently were never friends and you certainly would not say hello at Kroger. That fucking traitor.

Patty then explains to you that this weekend happens to be the Tulip Festival in Fort Wilkins. Her family goes every year. They’re worried about the internet signal in the rural areas though, because her pug puppy, Marvin, is in a Facebook photo contest and needs as many likes as they can get.

But back to the Tulip Festival. Her husband is the one who looks forward to it the most, which leads you to believe that her husband may be going less to spend time with his wife and more to see that guy Lance, the Tulip King, who wins the contest every year, but that’s another story.

As Patty continues on, you look across the office and see Michael, Judas Iscariot incarnate, enjoying a conversation with Katelyn, a college intern at the office who is a pretty solid eight.

As you daydream about strangling the life out of Michael with your bare hands, Patty drones on about tulips and unicorns and whatever else your imagination brings into play.

It’s Friday, after all. The weekend will get here soon enough.

Abstinence Group Endorses Pokémon Go Because Those Guys Aren’t Getting Laid Anyways

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates (MAA) endorsed Pokémon Go as its preferred leisure activity on Monday and issued a statement that the gameplay of Pokémon Go fits the MAA Mission of abstinence and isolationism.

The Mission of Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates is to promote healthy choices among youth to reduce the risks of sexual activity. MAA will work to provide safe and healthy alternatives to sexual activity through distraction, misdirection, and general shaming of masturbation.

“We strive to provide social opportunities that have virtually no chance of anyone having sex,” said MAA President Jenny Collins, who looked lustfully at the writer of this article, eyes dancing with forbidden fire, “and Pokémon Go knocks that out of the park.”

“I mean, look at the guys wandering around town with their phones out,” Collins added. “Those are abstinence warriors.”

Pokemon Go is an augmented reality video game, played through cell phones, in which users have an opportunity to capture various characters in a Poke Ball and viciously drag those characters away from their families and loved ones.

Proponents of Pokémon Go hail the game as an opportunity for otherwise isolated gamers to get out of their homes, exercise, and socialize with other players.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team researched the proposed benefits of Pokémon Go and found that Pokémon Go offers a unique type of exercise and socialization.

  • Pokémon Go Exercise. A slow, zombie-like walk around the grounds of public places, which often leads to players being confused with someone who desperately needs to poop lurching towards the restroom as feces slowly escapes their sphincter.
  • Pokémon Go Socialization. Standing near other people in real life, but never removing your eyes from your cell phone screen and never, under any circumstances, physically communicating with other humans. And traffic? Forget about it. Just walk into the road.

“We are thrilled for this partnership,” said Collins, who by this time had casually unbuttoned her top button, playing it off like she didn’t want a sneak peek at the writer of this article’s Jigglypuff, “Pokémon Go allows our members to be in public, but not pay attention to anyone, and no interaction means a lower chance at sexual activity.”

Local Dogs Break Twitter in Response to 20 Minutes of Rain, Unadulterated Peace on July 4th

MURFREESBORO – On the Fourth of July, countless dogs in the Murfreesboro area hid in horror as terrorists in the streets detonated explosives to torment the dogs helplessly trapped in nearby homes.

Around 9:00 p.m. on Monday night, in what local dogs are describing as “the Hand of our Cuddle Savior,” the skies opened up and emptied twenty minutes of torrential rain upon the pagan and ritualistic fireworks in the streets.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team scoured the internet and found that the canine response on social media showed an overwhelming feeling of excitement when the rain stopped the fireworks, which was quickly followed by sheer terror when the parade of explosions returned, as the dogs assumed, to brutally murder both dogs and owners.

Patches (@ItsPatchesYall), a seven year old Chihuahua from the Cason Lane area, immediately took to Twitter in celebration when the rain forced an end to fireworks.

Patches Tweet

Only minutes later, however, the rain stopped, the explosions returned, and Patches issued a fearful and cryptic tweet.

Patches Tweet 2

Cooper (@BitchesLoveCoop), a Border Collie from North Murfreesboro, panicked as soon as the fireworks stopped and he could not find his owner.

Cooper Tweet

Fandango (@FandangoBarks), a three year old Golden Doodle from Downtown Murfreesboro rode a roller coaster of emotions on Twitter in a single tweet.

Fandango Tweet

It didn’t take long for the City of Murfreesboro to respond, noting that, although the dogs were terrified, they likely had loving owners who spent the evening trying to save the pups from misery.

Mboro Tweet

At least one local dog wasn’t buying it. Paul (@ADogNamedPaul), a chocolate lab who lives in an undisclosed location near Bradyville Pike, refused to accept the City’s response.

Paul Tweet

This story is developing. Anyone with information on the canine response on social media is encouraged to contact the Tribune Investigative Team.

Report: It’s 2:00 A.M. And Your Ass-Hat Neighbor Is Still Shooting Fireworks

MURFREESBORO – It’s 2:00 a.m. and Billy-what’s-his-name from two doors down just launched his seventeenth consecutive Explosion Extravaganza into the early morning air.

Welcome to the weekend of hell in your subdivision.

Sure, Billy is a working man, but he has set off fireworks with his kids for four consecutive nights now and excuse you if you’re a bit tired of talking your French Bulldog off the ledge as he barks his vocal chords out to protect you from what he must believe is a full scale military invasion directly outside of your home.

Your kids understand, of course, as you rationally explain to them why everything outside of the small room that they know and love sounds like an active warzone in Vietnam.

As your neighbors celebrate America and Freedom in an explosive white trash bash, take solace in the fact that it won’t end tonight, or tomorrow night, or two nights from now, because these people are going to burn through every Made-in-China-wick at their disposal— peace, love, and civility be damned.

It’s (within a couple days of) July 4th, America! If you got it, blow it up!

Local Events: Fight a Homeless Guy (and Other Things to Do This Weekend)

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Fight a Homeless Person
Nothing gets your heart racing like a good old-fashioned fight to the death. For added excitement, throw some jagged sticks between you and Gary, the lovable hobo.

2. Kick the Neighbor’s Dog While No One Is Looking
Let’s be honest: how long have you secretly wanted to punt that little dog like a soccer ball? Stretch thoroughly, just to be safe, and give Buddy a swift kick in the ribs. Just make sure the owner isn’t looking or you’ll have a Gary-the-Hobo caliber brawl on your hands.

3. Join in Recess at a Local School
Who didn’t love kickball as a kid? This weekend, join in the Friday recess kickball game, whether the kids want you there or not. If the kids talk back, point at a nearby van and ask if they’d rather take this fight elsewhere. Trust us. Works like a charm.

4. Quietly Resent Your Spouse
Because who the fuck does she think she is?

5. Eat at Golden Corral
YOLO.

Bonnaroo Report: It’s Still Cheaper to Just Do Drugs in an Empty Field

MURFREESBORO – According to a report released by the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team on Thursday, it is still cheaper to just do drugs in an empty field than to attend the 2016 Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival.

Bonnaroo offers live music, social activities, and copious amounts of recreational drug use, including marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, MDMA, acid, LSD, mushrooms, amphetamines, adderall, benzos, cough medicine, whippits, low-grade beaver tranquilizers, and Uncle Buck’s Pocket Candy.

Bonnaroo enthusiast Molly Coke is one former music festival attendee that decided to forego Bonnaroo this year in favor of simply standing in an empty field and doing experimental drugs.

Coke estimates that the cost for a weekend at Bonnaroo is nearly $1,000.00, which includes $600.00 for tickets, $100.00 for food and supplies, and $300.00 for various hippie wares, such as rainsticks, dream catchers, and assorted arts and crafts.

In comparison, Coke estimates that the cost of standing in an empty field and doing drugs is minimal, as it requires nothing but the cost of drugs. Depending on the drug, Coke says that the price ranges from several hundred dollars to the mere performance of a backyard sammie for the cashier at the neighborhood bodega.

“I thought about going back to Bonnaroo,” said Coke. “But let’s be honest, I’m just there for the drugs. Instead of dealing with filthy hippies, meditation circles, and hackey sack contests, I’ll just do drugs in this vacant lot.”

The Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the ecstasy used by Coke was legitimate. Three Team Members left for a warehouse rave and we lost Phil, but it was a hell of a ride.

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