Category: Education

School Board: “It’s Sixty Degrees. Let’s Close Some Schools.”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Taking a fresh puff of his finest herb and cracking a beer straight out of his cooler on an unusally warm winter day, Rutherford County Schools Director Jack Frost boldly declared that county schools will close Friday in anticipation of a savage ice storm. 

“I think we can all agree that the weather tomorrow is threatening,” Frost said, wiping sweat from his brow. “It’s hot as tits out here right now, but just wait.”

Frost eventually stripped layers to compensate for the heat, emphasizing that it’s sure gonna get cold here in a few hours. 

The School Board supported Director Frost, emphasizing that a heat wave is typically the right time to predict ice and close schools. 

“We aren’t in school in July,” said Board Member Rudolph Deere. “But if we were, we would be closing every other day. Sometimes it’s just so hot that you know an ice storm is coming.”

The announcement came as a surprise to the suburban oasis of Murfreesboro, as residents calmly basked in the sixty-seven degree temperature. 

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team would have iinvestigated, but the team refused to leave the neighborhood block party and cookout, which is usually held in July, but which fit the weather pretty nice.

“We just hope that the community has the same foresight as us,” Director Frost added, coughing out some smoke. “You have to act early. Read the internet, damnit. And act!”

Parents Pretty Damn Excited About School Starting Back

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018. More importantly, it’s the day that schools return from Christmas Break and you can finally drop your shitbag kids back off to a criminally underpaid childcare provider.

Sure, the first few days of Christmas Break were wonderful. You slept in together, made waffles, and watched Christmas movies, all in anticipation of the impending holiday season, filled with laughter, cheer, and thankfulness.

But then January happened. And it’s been eight damn days of cold, rain, and horrible stories from your kids. Yes, Jared. I heard about what all the other kids have on their backpacks and no we can’t go buy that shit just because Bryson has it on his backpack too.

For a week now, your work schedule has been crippled by having to find some poor soul to watch these hoodlums for several hours a day. No more!

It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018, and you are free. Drop those kids off, get to your desk, and pour yourself a cup of coffee in peace.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

MTSU Adds “Apartment Shooting Simulator” to CUSTOMS Student Orientation

MURFREESBORO, TN – Calling apartment shootings “a large part of the fabric that holds this community together,” James Deal, Assistant Dean of Student Affairs at Middle Tennessee State University, announced that incoming freshman would take part in an apartment shooting simulator during CUSTOMS student orientation in the fall.

In recent months, Murfreesboro has seen a sharp increase in violent shootings, highlighted by recent shootings at apartment complexes near MTSU, such as Student Quarters and Gateway Apartments.

“Every year, people pay thousands of dollars for entertainment that is exciting, riveting, and sometimes frightening,” noted Assistant Dean Deal. “The rampant shootings at low-cost campus housing give our students all of that excitement without the exorbitant price tag.”

According to Deal, every shooting incident allows the residents of an apartment complex that is fortunate enough to be riddled with bullets to enjoy a trip outside under the stars, a community of friends also forced out of their homes, and a lights show from local police, fire, and emergency services. On some evenings, this traumatic experience may also include the mystery of whether your loved one will survive or not.

In the Apartment Shooting Simulator, incoming students are invited into a dark room and allowed enough time to fall asleep peacefully and naturally. After a short time asleep, participants are suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by gunfire and forced into a cold parking lot in the middle of the night.

“It’s a great way for students to get to know each other,” said Deal, who pioneered the program, “and a great way for students to get to know Murfreesboro, the lovable college town that just keeps on shooting.”

The Tribune reached Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland for comment, who emphasized that local elected officials are taking this matter very seriously and are going to have meetings to discuss potential resolutions, such as wagging fingers at bad actors and outlawing violent crime.

MTSU to Remove “History” from Department of History

MURFREESBORO, TN – At a meeting on Wednesday night, the Middle Tennessee State University Panel of Ethics voted unanimously to remove “History” from the official title of the MTSU Department of History.

“History is riddled with offensive and racially insensitive conduct,” said Chairman Nathan Forrest. “The Panel feels that this decision further shields MTSU students from anything and everything that one particular student may find offensive.”

Last year, students organized a petition against the name of the Department of History. After building support on social media, a group of students formed the organization Change History Now and demanded that the MTSU Administration remove History from the Department Title.

“For the students of this campus, I think this is the most unifying decision the university can make,” said sophomore Paxley Miller. “To use the word History on this campus forces students to hear of a movement that includes war, terrorism, and genocide.”

“It’s unthinkable that the university has allowed this name to remain on campus this long,” echoed junior Brentley Montgomery, who protests for eight hours a day instead of working, paying taxes, or contributing to society in any other meaningful way.

“History is filled with crime and corruption,” Montgomery continued. “While on campus, students shouldn’t see or hear anything that makes them uncomfortable.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has discovered that History has an extensive background in racial discrimination and offensive behavior. History includes such events as slavery, segregation, and Jim Crow laws.

“If we remove History from this Department, it will change everything,” said Miller. “It will be as if these horrific events never happened, which will make us all better people for never hearing about bad things.”

MTSU President Ridley McPeak acknowledged the Panel decision, but asked protesters for patience as the administrative process runs its course.

“This is not a simple issue. There are others who feel just as strongly as the students on the other side,” McPeak said. “We should be open to different views and different situations regardless of how we feel about it, or how repugnant it is. It’s part of our duty to let the other voices be heard in a deliberative, orderly process.”

Student leaders from Change History Now refused to accept calls for calmness and agreement.

“[Expletive] that,” said activist Jaymeigh Johnston. “Every day that we wait, History grows larger and larger. The time for action is now.”