Tag: Let's Play

MTSU to Open Campus Regal Inn, Capitalize on High Crime Vibes

September 3, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Middle Tennessee State University recently announced plans to open a new hotel on campus. The Murfreesboro Tribune landed an exclusive scoop that MTSU plans to open The Regal Inn Greenland, a new hotel just off campus, which provides a True Blue place to shoot guns and do drugs. In recent years, campus neighborhoods have faced rising crime rates, decreasing property maintenance, and skyrocketing rent prices, which prompted school officials to try their hand in the hospitality industry.

“We were just overwhelmed with the response,” said MTSU President Ridley McPeak. “Initially, we thought discriminatory housing practices could only be used in nearby residential units, where fourth generation rednecks rent their granddaddy’s dilapidated real estate portfolio, but now we have an opportunity to get in the game.”

School officials have yet to finalize the estimated cost, size, and other details, but officials are hopeful to begin construction next year. Wait a minute– construction on what? I honestly don’t know what we are announcing if we don’t know the size, cost, or the ambiguous “other details” of the project. But hey— it’s a hotel!

Tasked with choosing a hotel brand, MTSU officials chose the well-known Regal Inn, a staple in the community, oft celebrated for its shameless revelry, domestic violence, and unnervingly consistent police presence.

“We’ve seen rampant drug use, shootings, and sex trafficking operations near campus for years,” McPeak added. “Now, we can keep that business here at home and ensure that everyone enjoys the professional, courteous, and holy shit that’s a needle atmosphere that embodies the Regal Inn.”

For the community, it ties together two neighborhoods previously only bonded by unreasonable rent, criminal activity, and the consensus of the community to do absolutely nothing to help.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Following Winter Storm, City Opens Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift

February 19, 2021 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Never one to shy away from opening a new revenue stream, Murfreesboro Mayor and fur coat connoisseur Sugar Shane McHarland announced Friday that the City of Murfreesboro is opening an in-season Ski Lift at the beloved Mt. Trashmore, a local waste facility used to bury anything from household trash to neglected results of expensive national job searches that the City Council probably wasn’t going to read anyways.

On Friday, following an unusually strong winter storm, the Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift opened to local fanfare, drawing considerably more attention to the local landmark than just the usual vagrants, environmental activists, pissed off neighbors, and illegal dumpers. 

“We see it as a win-win,” said Mayor McHarland. “For years, our residents have visited this cherished treasure, finding it by neither map nor marker, but by scent. Now, after all of this snow and ice have landed, those same residents can pair that unique travel destination with quality family time on the slopes.”

An initial draft of the Mt. Trashmore Ski Resort(TM) revealed two proposed entrances, a North Entrance from Jefferson Pike and a West Entrance from Lebanon Pike. Depending on which entrance is used, visitors can enjoy one of five unique slopes down the trash heap, each with what has been hailed the greatest view of trash this side of Shelbyville.

A $25.00 Day Pass includes unlimited trash dumping and access to all five resort areas: The Bunny Slope; the Old Tire Slope; the Used Needle Slope; the Oh Shit Probably Drugs in Here Slope; and the RIP Forrest Hall Slope.

McHarland added that the City will be offering a photo opportunity for all skiiers, including a special gold ribbon for those who make it to the bottom without contracting hepatitis.

When asked, McHarland conceded that the slope names may upset some.

“Nowadays, people are gonna bitch,” said McHarland, turning to fellow council member Roddie Martin. “Nothing we can do about that, can we hoss?”

“Come on Hot Rod,” McHarland added, sliding on his ski goggles . “Let’s hit the slopes.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at  [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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