MURFREESBORO, TN – In the early hours of Sunday morning, after a Saturday evening filled with shitty beer, line dancing, twerking(?), and a pleasant mixture of white trash, sorority girls, and those awkward middle aged people who all have DUIs but keep showing up to college bars every weekend anyways, Bob Zurowsky decided he had had enough of Whiskey Dix.

Around 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning, Zurowsky finished a Natty Light and pulled his nickel Smith & Wesson Model 10 out of his waist band, deciding that the quickest way to get the hell out of the bar was to take measures into his own hands.

“I had asked my friend Marshall two or three times to leave,” said Zurowsky, resting in his hospital bed, appearing nervous, but calm and ready. “He was locked into these $2 jello shooters and I couldn’t get him away.”

At some point, Zurowsky, possibly lost in the music, pulled the gun from his waist band and the gun immediately discharged into his own leg.

“It was like magic,” Zurowsky recalled. “All of the sudden, everyone helped get me out of the bar. It was like my own personal panic button.”

A brief canvass of fellow patrons confirmed that we all pretty much get it: there isn’t much we wouldn’t do to get the hell out of Whiskey Dix on a Saturday night.

“Look, if you had one shot to seize everything you ever wanted, would you capture it?” Zurowsky asked of himself,” or would you let it slip?”

It appears Zurowsky decided to capture it.

As of the time this article is written, the investigation into the shooting is ongoing. We have already drawn our conclusions, and are unlikely to change those conclusions, but this is America so keep investigating.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.