Author: SamClemens (Page 7 of 13)

MTSU Student Arrested, Charged with Being Black and from Memphis

June 5, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department raided an apartment near the Middle Tennessee State University on Monday and arrested Kedrick Jones, a twenty-two year old MTSU student who is tragically and unacceptably both black and from Memphis.

In recent weeks, MTSU has been afflicted by a series of off-campus shootings and criminal occurrences, many of which occur at nearby apartment complexes, and the community has been quick to respond with broad vagueries and baseless conclusions that this is all happening because of Memphis.

“With this arrest, we are hoping to send a message,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Reginald White, III. “Memphis needs to stop sending its crime here. And by crime we mean black people. Stop sending your black people here.”

The social media response to recent shootings and violence has been swift, passively racist, and oddly confident that rampant violence has nothing to do with the community in which it has happened.

“I’m talking about thugs from Memphis,” said one commenter online, conveniently concluding that every single problem related to shootings and campus crime can be traced to Memphis, not the actual city in which the crime occurred.

“We need to fire MTSU President Ridley McPeak!” shouted another commenter at his computer screen. “All of these Memphis thugs are here causing this crime.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department heard the kinda-racist-but-maybe-not voices and responded accordingly, cracking down heavily on MTSU students from Memphis.

“I think people from Memphis will think twice before coming to Murfreesboro now,” said MPD Spokesman White. “They now know that this town will not stand for them trying to escape the inner city, better themselves, and earn an education. Not here. Not now. Not ever.”

—

EDITOR’S NOTE: In case you have not caught on by now, some people are actually arguing that recent criminal acts in Murfreesboro have happened all because of Memphis and have used that position to push the (possibly racially motivated) theory that Memphis people just need to stay out of Murfreesboro. Here at the Tribune, we find that kind of thinking absurd and we will use satire in all of its glory to expose and ridicule such closed-minded views. In other words, the names and events in this story are not real and are being used to ridicule the very position that seems to have inflamed the masses. Calm the hell down.

Town Home Builders Propose Agent Orange, Napalm for Oaklands

June 1, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last month, much to the dismay of conservationists and several nearby bitchy residents, a home builder proposed ninety-one town homes to be built near the Oaklands Mansion and nearby wetlands on North Highland Avenue.

The plan to build townhomes in close proximity to the Oaklands Mansion and the wetlands near Sinking Creek drew immediate criticism from at least seven citizens, who took loudly to social media and didn’t have much else to do but complain on Facebook and Twitter.

In the past few weeks, if you have witnessed the frenzy on social media, you may have learned that a land developer plans to drop at least three payloads of Agent Orange, Napalm, and other biological weapons of ecological destruction on the site of a proposed town home site.

On Thursday, protesters provided leaked documents to the Tribune, drawn up on the back of a Cookout napkin, which set out the first phase of construction: complete and utter desolation of every living thing in the Oaklands Wetlands, using only the most toxic, transmutable, and offensive chemical agents known to man.

“This is exactly what we expected,” said some lady in Birkenstocks. “It is now clear that these land developers just want to rape mother nature and murder our plant life.”

“It’s almost as if these people are trying to just make money or build nice new things,” this likely herbal tea drinker added. “Did anyone stop to think about the willows that grow near the creek?”

ParksLambSwansonMurfreeCorp, the company responsible for site development, declined to comment, instead asking who we were and why we were peeking over the bathroom stall.

This story is developing (pun intended thank you).

MTSU Adds “Apartment Shooting Simulator” to CUSTOMS Student Orientation

May 30, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Calling apartment shootings “a large part of the fabric that holds this community together,” James Deal, Assistant Dean of Student Affairs at Middle Tennessee State University, announced that incoming freshman would take part in an apartment shooting simulator during CUSTOMS student orientation in the fall.

In recent months, Murfreesboro has seen a sharp increase in violent shootings, highlighted by recent shootings at apartment complexes near MTSU, such as Student Quarters and Gateway Apartments.

“Every year, people pay thousands of dollars for entertainment that is exciting, riveting, and sometimes frightening,” noted Assistant Dean Deal. “The rampant shootings at low-cost campus housing give our students all of that excitement without the exorbitant price tag.”

According to Deal, every shooting incident allows the residents of an apartment complex that is fortunate enough to be riddled with bullets to enjoy a trip outside under the stars, a community of friends also forced out of their homes, and a lights show from local police, fire, and emergency services. On some evenings, this traumatic experience may also include the mystery of whether your loved one will survive or not.

In the Apartment Shooting Simulator, incoming students are invited into a dark room and allowed enough time to fall asleep peacefully and naturally. After a short time asleep, participants are suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by gunfire and forced into a cold parking lot in the middle of the night.

“It’s a great way for students to get to know each other,” said Deal, who pioneered the program, “and a great way for students to get to know Murfreesboro, the lovable college town that just keeps on shooting.”

The Tribune reached Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland for comment, who emphasized that local elected officials are taking this matter very seriously and are going to have meetings to discuss potential resolutions, such as wagging fingers at bad actors and outlawing violent crime.

Murfreesboro Tribune Welcomes Diversity Hire Nell E. Bly

May 1, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune is both proud and obligated by federal law to welcome Investigative Journalist Nell E. Bly to the sexiest news establishment in Middle Tennessee. The Investigative Journalist job duties include being pretty, fetching coffee, interviewing coaches at halftime, and and going undercover when necessary to see the inner workings of businesses and organizations that may be up to no good.

Bly, who was hired voluntarily, and not to avoid a lawsuit against what appears to be a bunch of white men writing angry news, brings a blend of creativity, sex appeal, and a willingness to handle news assignments that the men here don’t want to touch.

Bly took part in a Q&A with Managing Editor Sam Clemens because if she didn’t she was fired. Get to know her and welcome her to the crew.

Q&A with Nell E. Bly, Investigative/Girl Journalist

Welcome to the Tribune, Nell! What is your hometown?
Pittsburgh, PA.

Why did you become a reporter?
It was completely by accident. I read a column in a newspaper about how women should just stay where they belong, in the kitchen and the bedroom. I think Donald Trump wrote it. Or maybe it was a Rutherford Rant by famed journalist Scott Broden. I wrote a response to the column and the newspaper’s editor offered me a job. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I accepted. Over the years, I discovered I like dressing up, pretending to be other people and writing about it. That’s what led me to become a crack girl reporter.

You don’t look like most crack girls I hang out with on Friday nights. Why is that?
[Blank Stare]

How are you different from other reporters at the Tribune?
Well, I’m a girl for one. Sam Clemens wouldn’t know what to do with a girl if one fell on him. But that Eddie Poe, he’s a looker. I’m also smarter and better than they are.

[Short break for old-style fisticuffs]

What is the best thing you have ever done?
It’s a close tie between traveling the globe in seventy-two hours, pretending to be crazy to gain entrance to an insane asylum, and writing for the Murfreesboro Tribune. I’m looking forward to uncovering lies and the lying lairs who lie and exposing fake new across Murfreesboro.

How do you spend your free time?
Rooting out unregistered sex offenders by day and pounding gash by night.

What’s your idea of a perfect date?
That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot, not too cold; all you need is a light jacket.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?
An eggplant. Definitely an eggplant.

Shock Report: The Tribune is Back, Facebook Just Got More Arousing

April 17, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A report published by the Murfreesboro Tribune Research Facility on Monday confirmed what several people, including Tribune employees, family members of Tribune employees, and three people who accidentally clicked to the site, have already discovered: The Murfreesboro Tribune is back on Facebook and this place just got real sexy real fast.

The thirty-seven page report detailed the past three months of Facebook activity, during which time The Tribune was banned, and during which time this community somehow survived without any local newspaper worth a damn.

“I can confirm that The Murfreesboro Tribune is back in publication and back on Facebook,” said Managing Editor Sam Clemens, likely to himself. “I also want to compliment Mark Zuckerberg, who is such a great guy. Make sure to include that in the article. He will read this and if I don’t say the right thing I get kicked out.”

The response from the Murfreesboro community has been overwhelming. In all, a whopping three people have noticed that the page returned.

Have a good idea for a story that needs to be covered? Send it to [email protected]. Or don’t send it, and we will find you and your family.

NOTE: This story is developing. Check back often for an erotic blend of news, commentary, and the most cutting reporting this side of the Stones River.

Facebook Cracks Down on Fake News, Shuts Down Tribune

January 24, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On January 7, 2017, the Facebook Police Department executed a search warrant on the Global Headquarters of The Murfreesboro Tribune, located in the corner booth of the Captain D’s on Broad Street. It was just one person sitting there, but the Facebook Security Cartel evidently places a high priority on preventing the carnage levied on the masses by small town satire sites.

As a result of the police raid, or as a result of some combination of absurdity, security practices, and numerous “flagged articles,” Facebook has indefinitely shut down The Murfreesboro Tribune Facebook Page.

Sure, the website could be shut down because some articles are offensive. Of note,  The Tribune actively skewers local elected officials and political positions, as satire tends to do, in a way that likely pisses off a large percentage of the electorate.

“This is a positive step for all things ridiculous,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, finally saying something on the twelfth day that I wouldn’t get off his lawn.

Zuckerberg neglected to explain how his security police flagged a satire website but failed to stop the seventy thousand goddamn clickbait sites that peddle garbage on the world wide web. We get it. At the three minute mark of that video, you completely lose your mind, but I’m not going to click on that shit just to go through a seventy-page slideshow of advertisements for one simple speeding trick that cops wish I didn’t know,

As of the publication of this post, the Tribune Editorial Team, comprised of one hobbyist who spends time writing fake news instead of enjoying life, has not decided whether it wishes to pursue verification of the website. Instead, the Editorial Team will likely just let the site ride off into the sunset to an unimaginative internet death, like Friendster, MySpace, and so many have done before.

UPDATE: We just checked and MySpace is still an actual website? Who goes on there? If you go on there, please email us so we can meet you, as your breed slowly goes extinct.

This story is developing, but the Editorial Team believes that it is critical that we comment on the ongoing investigation. After minutes of deep thoughts, the Editorial Team issues the following formal position:

To quote my boys Eazy E and Dr. Dre,, mother f*** the Facebook Police.

I’m just gonna set this microphone down right over here and keep writing fake news that no one reads.

Sam.

Food Riots Erupt After One Inch of Snowfall

January 6, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department has declared a state of emergency in various neighborhoods of Murfreesboro after approximately one inch of snow spurred rioting and food shortages.

It began snowing early Tuesday  morning, which, on any given day, has the potential to throw the city into a state of panic.

Around 8:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, authorities received an anonymous tip that three men were fighting in the aisle at the Kroger on Middle Tennessee Boulevard. Within minutes, at least seven other fights were confirmed throughout the store.

Authorities have been quick to respond to the violence, calling for peace, safety, and every damn man for himself.

“This city needs to focus on what is important right now,” said MPD Spokesman John Snow, clutching a bag filled with assorted dry goods and some Funyuns. “Take care of you and yours at whatever cost it takes.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team arrived at Kroger to investigate, and to lock up whatever E.L. Fudge cookies were left on the shelves, and spoke with various rioters at the scene.

“Get what you can!” yelled an unnamed rioter, who had covered her face with a bandana and grabbed a package of day-old cookies. “You know this stuff is going to be gone soon!”

This story is developing.

Sheriff Darnold’s Mother Upset That Jail is Actually a Jail

January 4, 2017 /

PRISONTOWN, KY – In news that surprises absolutely no one, Jeanette Keyeez, Sheriff Bob Darnold’s mother, is pretty upset that her son, who is being held in jail awaiting trial, is being treated like he is being held in jail.

Keyeez wrote a letter to the judge presiding over Darnold’s case, as if the judge hadn’t considered that Darnold’s mother might be upset when Darnold was sent to be held in a federal prison.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” wrote Sheriff Darnold’s Mother, seemingly unaware that her son’s day job prior to hawking e-cigs and playing knockaround with his wife was to hold inmates in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot square room for more than 80 days.

Keyeez wrote further that Darnold has not been able to watch television, eat ramen noodles, popcorn, candy, and soft drinks, or talk to the guards because the guards “don’t have time to talk.”

This is real life, boys and girls.

Here at The Tribune, we imagine that Keyeez likely took issue with several other policies at the Grayson County Detention Center, including:

  • The mini bar is not fully stocked.
  • The jail has no in-house shoe shine service
  • There is no free wifi
  • Inmates are forced to listen to Pandora with commercials
  • The Prison Mart only has red skittles, not Darnold’s preferred purple skittles
  • Several guards continue to discuss Game of Thrones spoilers without discipline

Just in case you were worried that Darnold would not receive the protection he deserves, Keyeez went ahead and took this thing to the top:

The Tribune has reached out to the entire federal government listed above, but has not received a response.

In related news, Vice President Biden was pretty upset to not receive a copy of the letter.

Report: It’s January 2nd and 80% of New Year Resolutions Already Blown

January 2, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a Report released by the Middle Tennessee State Department of Watching People Lie to Themselves, over eighty percent of New Year Resolutions have already erupted into violent flame, leaving behind a trail of unused gym memberships, dust-covered Bow Flex Machines, and half-eaten peanut butter cartons.

“It’s about that time of year where we start to see people lose some serious progress,” said Dr. Michael Weir, acting as if the goals that have already been abandoned weren’t set less than forty-eight hours before his interview.

Dr. Weir’s research project, which produced the Let’s See How Unreasonable People Can Be Report, identified at least three types of New Year Resolutions that have fallen the quickest in 2017: eat better; exercise; and stop smoking.

To determine how many people have already abandoned ship on these unrealistic goals, the LSHUPCB Research Team utilized sophisticated research methods, which included: approaching strangers outside of bars, following people around the local gym, and yelling at people in the ice cream aisle at Kroger.

“The idea for the project came to me when I found a young woman outside of a local gym, crying uncontrollably and chain smoking a pack of Pall Malls,” said Dr. Weir.

After the woman got up and ran to her car, Dr. Weir found a crumpled up piece of paper next to where she had been sitting that read:

AMY’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

  1. Go to the gym every day— EASY!
  2. Stop eating all fast food— it’s not good for you!
  3. Stop smoking— it’s New Year’s and you got this!

Dr. Weir found her in the parking lot at 10:00 a.m. on New Year’s Day, merely hours into a yearlong quest for health that only had a chance of success because of the selection of an arbitrary and inspirational start date.

“She never actually went into the gym,” noted Dr. Weirs. “Instead, she walked into a nearby Captain D’s.”

The LSHUPCB Report is available for pickup at nearby gyms and crossfit facilities, to ensure that no one who has already abandoned their resolutions would ever see a copy and get their feelings hurt.

You’re Hung Over After Christmas, But At Least Your Family Is Gone

December 26, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s December 26th, the day after Christmas, and you had one too many a hot toddy last night to be waking up this damn early.

Your spouse is still asleep because his family didn’t come into town for the holidays and he is resting peacefully without the annoyance of family drama bouncing around in his head.

Your kids are awake and playing with toys because oh-my-God that’s all they do.

And you? You’re reliving the hangovers of your younger days, making sure not to move your head, or it may not stop spinning, and physically feeling every drop of whiskey that is coursing through your veins and bouncing around in your tummy.

Every other day of the year, this would be the worst morning in history. You can’t sleep, your spouse can, you feel like your spent the night drinking forties and smoking Pall Malls, and your kids won’t shut the hell up.

But no matter how bad today may be, you can lay your head back down in peace knowing one thing: your family is gone.

To where? Who cares? They’re not in your house anymore.

So wake up, pour a bloody Mary, and get to work reassembling your house. You can throw out Uncle Jerry’s spittoon and your nephew’s food plate that he refused to throw away even after your sister told him to (that little shit).

Merry Christmas from The Murfreesboro Tribune!

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