Author: SamClemens (Page 6 of 13)

Alabama Fan’s Home Defaced with Vegetables, Weight Loss Cookbooks

July 13, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Vandalism rocked Murfreesboro again on Thursday when vandals struck a local trailer park and draped steamed vegetables on the door handles of a trailer belonging to Billy Kipp, a well known University of Alabama Football fan.

The vandals also spray painted the phone number of a GED completion program on the side of the trailer and littered healthy lifestyle weight loss cookbooks throughout the yard.

The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating the vandalism as a hate crime and have contacted appropriate federal authorities.

“We think it is clear that the vandals know the materials that are morally repugnant to Alabama Football Fans, including health, hygiene, education, and overall likeability,” said Detective Sow Bryant.

“I’m not sure what to think,” said Kipp, between wheezing breaths. “I know the thirteen Alabama Football decals on the side my trailer and the Roll Tide flags hanging on every corner of the house let people know who lives here.”

“Roll Tide,” Kipp added, even though no one said anything to him about anything.

Kipp told The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team that he has heard of vegetables before, but his regular diet of Velveeta cheese, sweet tea, pork rinds, and Sun Drop doesn’t make room for them.

The University of Alabama Alumni Association issued a statement denouncing the vandalism as inconsistent with the fabric of Alabama Football Fans:

The University of Alabama is deeply troubled and saddened by the vandalism against the homes of our fans. This is a deliberate act of hate. We truly appreciate the immediate show of support and solidarity from our fellow fans, who undoubtedly also have obnoxious shit all over their yard and vehicles. However, we are still saddened that this happened in the first place.

A vigil is planned on Friday evening in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Roebuck Avenue. More details are forthcoming.

Two City Employees Retire After Winning Nigerian Lottery

July 10, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stroke of luck, it appears that at least two city employees recently won the Nigerian Lottery, per City of Murfreesboro email records.

Debbie Vincent, 46, and Mike Hammons, 52, submitted letters of resignation on Friday after various emails confirmed that each had won a stake in the “NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES.”

On Wednesday, July 5, Vincent and Hammons received similar emails from the International Claims Department of Nigeria, which sounds like a legitimate business.

We are pleased to inform you that you are one of the declared winners of the NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES held on JULY 1, 2017, in the 2nd category. We have made many unsuccessful attempts to contact you regarding this winning. You are therefore entitled to a sum of $17,000,000.00. This is from the total prize money of $170,000,000.00 US DOLLARS that was shared and presented among the other 10 declared 2ND CATEGORY winners.

“I’m still in shock,” said Vincent. “I cashed the check they sent me and made sure to send the Nigerian Lottery my City of Murfreesboro User ID and Password, which they said was required to claim my money. Now I’m rich!”

“PCB,” said Hammons, walking out of City Hall after turning over a copy of his employee identification card. “Had to send the original employee card to the Nigerians to claim my prize. I’ll catch you bitches on the flip side.”

In unrelated news, two branches of the City of Murfreesboro Emergency Services were crippled by ransomware hacking last week.

July 5th Truce Declared to Recover Bodies of Fallen Fireworks

July 5, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “mutual interests in respecting the fallen,” rival  gangs of young street toughs in the Garrison Cove subdivision declared a truce on Wednesday from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., so that each may recover fallen fireworks from an explosive July 4th firefight.

“I have never seen more explosions than this year,” said Jayden Wayne, a member of the Murfree Bombers, which controls most of the lemonade imports throughout North Murfreesboro. “We spent months preparing, knowing it was coming, and now all that’s left is a mess in the streets.”

“We know they’re running lemonade on our turf,” said Bryleigh Franklin, a member of the Rutherford Originals, which holds complete control of the lunch snack black market in local elementary schools. “And some day, we will take revenge for that. But we all know that the right thing to do is to clean up the streets.”

It is common in battle for competing sides to declare a truce to allow each side to recover its fallen soldiers, and the street toughs in Murfreesboro are no exception.

“Today is not a day for fighting,” said Skylar Riggs, of the Murfree Bombers. “Tomorrow will come, and then our sides will return to war. At some point, there is only so many Pokemon cards to go around.”

No child cared to comment on whether The League of Make-Believe is involved in the mayhem, as the neighborhood lives in fear the shadowy crime syndicate that operates a drug smuggling ring throughout Middle Tennessee.

Neighbor Hates Fireworks, Sarcastically Reports 700 Gun Shots to Police

July 3, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department found itself overwhelmed on Sunday night by a frequent caller, sixty-three year old Jim Simpson of Banner Drive in North Murfreesboro, who called repeatedly to report gunfire, knowing that it wasn’t gunfire, but just trying to get someone to stop the frequent fireworks in his neighborhood.

According to MPD Spokesman Roman Candela, the calls from Simpson began around 8:00 p.m. on Sunday night, and increased in frequency as the night grew longer. A written summary indicated that Simpson called to report gunfire in his neighborhood on every single call except one, in which Simpson asked dispatch whether it preferred mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.

Despite frequent attempts to inform Mr. Simpson that the claimed gunfire is likely a fireworks celebration, the calls continued, increasing in frustration and repeatedly requesting for police presence in the otherwise calm neighborhood.

Throughout the evening, it became clear that Mr. Simpson knew that the noises were not gunfire, but demanded a police response to stop the continued fireworks in his neighborhood.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was able to obtain certain audio recordings from the Police Department, excerpts of which are posted below.

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: Uh, yeah, I think I just heard gunfire.
D: Ok, sir, where are you located?
JS: I’m on Banner Drive, over by the — sumbitch there’s another one!
D: Sir, I didn’t catch that.
JS: I’m on the ground, young man. On the ground! It sounds like Chicago Land out here.
D: Alright, sir. I need your address.
[Inaudible]
D: Sir, I think I just hear fireworks.
JS: That’s not possible! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, are you calling to report fireworks?
JS: I’m not sure I appreciate your tone!
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s like Korea out here!
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: If you were in Korea, you would already know!
D: Sir, we need to keep these lines open for emergencies.
JS: This is an emergency! Someone is firing rounds of a semi-automatic weapon in a neighborhood. There are kids here!
D: Sir, I think we have discussed that those are fireworks.
JS: No way! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t—
[Disconnect]

Dispatch: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Jim Simpson: It’s my dog! I think he had a heart attack!
D: Ok, sir, can you state your location?
JS: Yes, I’m on Banner Drive.
D: Is this Mr. Simpson again?
JS: No?
D: Mr. Simpson, please stop calling the Department.
JS: My dogs are losing their s**t from all this gunfire!
D: Sir, it is not gunfire.
JS: But it can’t be fireworks! It’s only July 2. Surely my neighbors wouldn’t be firing fireworks already!
D: Sir, if you do not stop calling, we are going to have to send an officer to arrest you.
JS: Good! Send an officer. Something has to be done about all this gunfire. Kibbles is having a f***ing conniption fit.
[Disconnect]

EDITOR’S NOTE: Prior to publication, Mr. Simpson called about three hundred more times. This story is developing.

Commenters Distraught at Business Closing, Never Spent One Cent There

June 26, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke on Friday that a beloved local business, the Fartful Bagel, will close its doors to the public. The last day for the Fartful Bagel was Saturday.

In response to the announced closing, hundreds of commenters on social media have expressed infinite sadness, egomaniacally shifting attention away from a failed local business and the related emotional grief of the owners and placing the spotlight squarely on themselves, because, you know, now they can’t go get a snack from a place they went that one time, which is pretty much just as bad.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked further into the comments and, surprisingly, it seems that very few of the people expressing dismay at the business closing even spent one damn dollar of their own money to support the owners.

“Oh no!!” said one commenter, with the double exclamation point to let you know that she is significantly hurt. “I never got to make it in there but had always wanted to!” Oh. Well, she really wanted to go. So that counts for something, right?

“We really enjoyed the time we did come in,” wrote another commenter, emphasizing the one damn time she managed to make it to the store in the eighteen months that the store was open to the public. How in the world could this place have closed with your incredible support?

One commenter tagged a friend and wrote “guess we will never get to try this place!!!” As if they never had a chance to park in the parking lot, walk in the door, and spend a few bucks on a donut in the five hundred or so days that the shop was open for business.

Here at The Tribune, we recommend actually spending money at local businesses, instead of waiting for the business to close and expressing your confusion at how a place that you never gave money to couldn’t quite make it.

In related news, The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has found that the comment “Prayers!” has resulted in significant medical improvement for individuals suffering from illness, so keep on doing that too.

City Council: Violence on Rise, Multi-Family Units Capped at Two Kids Per Home

June 19, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing an increase in violent crime through Murfreesboro, which has been most prevalent at multi-family apartment homes, the Murfreesboro City Council proposed Monday to limit the number of children allowed in a multi-family home.

“I think we all remember the Hobgood Cartel,” said an unnamed source within the City Council who serves as Mayor. “If we can limit the number of kids in these multi-family homes, I think we can get to the root of this senseless violence.”

Critics of the rising violence in Murfreesboro (as if there can be supporters of it, right?) have commented over and over and over and over that all of this violence is here because of apartments, and the City Council appears to have acted accordingly.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Criminal Expert, which we assigned by just tallying up the writer who has been arrested the most, thinks that this attempt to limit crime has about the same likelihood of success as, oh, arbitrarily limiting the number of units that can be built in one development.

The Criminal Expert prepared an official report, penciled on the back of his Hardee’s napkin, that said:

We think that capping the number of children who reside in a multi-family home has the same likelihood of success as capping the number of units in a proposed development. After all, blindly picking one variable in a multi-variable problem and excessively limiting that variable is one of the best-known recipes for success.

This story is developing (pun intended, he shoots he scores!).

Business Brief: They’re Opening Another F***ing Check Cashing Place

June 15, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Memphis-based Chexxx4Lezzz is opening a check cashing, cash-advancing, and lower-income-pilfering company in Downtown Murfreesboro, the four thousandth such store in Rutherford County.

BringYoChexxxHere will be located on the corner of Sevier Street and South Highland Avenue, near the Kleer-Vu Café, in an area replete with lower-income residents.

“We are excited about this opportunity,” said Chexxx4Lezzz owner Rakesh Patel. “We  believe that our store will ensure that the community remains intact, because these significantly indebted people will never be able to the gain financial stability to move elsewhere.”

When asked if he had considered North Woods, Breckenridge, or Mirabella for his new store location, Patel laughed, noting that those areas were not part of his preferred demographic. “Not quite enough beater cars and cigarette smokers, if you know what I mean.”

Rutherford County Chamber of Commerce President Saul Talure praised the new store opening, saying that the industry is poised for growth.

“With stagnant wages and the low-paying warehouse jobs we are recruiting, Murfreesboro will need at least a thousand more check-cashing establishments for our citizens,” Talure said confidently.

The proposed location will be voted on at the regularly-schedule Murfreesboro City Council Meeting on Thursday night. All signs point to approval.

City Council to Appoint Late Councilman’s Barber to Vacant Seat

June 12, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In an email reviewed by the Murfreesboro Tribune on Monday, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland wrote that the City Council is leaning towards appointing Cecil “Clips” Baker, a barber in Murfreesboro, to replace the late Councilman Big Don Young.

Young passed away last year, leaving the Murfreesboro City Council with only six members. The Council has three principal options to move forward: hold a special election (the voters decide), appoint a replacement (the Council decides), or leave the seat vacant (ain’t nobody decide).

“The Council decided that, more than anything, we need a replacement that knew Big Don,” Mayor McHarland wrote in a press release last week. “It’s more important that the replacement knew Big Don than it is that the individual has knowledge, experience, or input from the voters. That’s for sure.”

The City Council recently pondered the appointment of the late Young’s wife to the seat, which is probably the most politician-like thing to do. After all, the council has made it clear that the most important feature of a new council member, who is tasked with oversight of a budget that controls hundreds of millions of dollars, is that the appointment creates a warm-and-fuzzy story that won’t upset the voters.

A new development arose Monday when Mayor McHarland sent a private email to his wife, which The Tribune hacked, intercepted, and read (as we do with all his email, Facebook messages, Amazon orders, and telegrams). McHarland wrote to his wife that the City Council is now planning to appoint Clips Baker, the longtime barber of Big Don Young, to the vacant seat.

“I think we’re making the right choice,” McHarland wrote to his wife. “Clips just knew [Big Don Young] really well, and we all think that the safest political decision we can make is to appoint someone who knew him well, so the community will just say ‘aw, that’s nice,’ and forget that we are tasked with working hard, making difficult decisions, and providing for the well-being of hundreds of thousands of people.”

Clips Baker works at the Tippy Top Shop Barber Lounge on the Murfreesboro Square, where he had cut Big Don Young’s hair for the past seventeen years. He is licensed by the Cosmetology and Barber Examiners.

This story is developing.

Abandon Your Kids at Arby’s (and Other Things to Do This Weekend)

June 9, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Get an STD in Manchester Go to Bonnaroo
Because those music festival goers have health, cleanliness, and personal hygiene in spades. Frolic and play all you’d like and make sure to bring home the gift that keeps on giving and truly lasts a lifetime: your preferred sexually transmitted disease.

2. Go to the Lake in Your Friend’s Boat
Whether he knows it or not. He didn’t buy that boat for you to not have fun, right? While he is at work, with his family, or just angrily watching from his living room window, go ahead and hook that boy up to your truck and enjoy some time at the lake!

3. Eat as Much FroYo as You Can at Sweet Cece’s Using Only the Sample Cup
They wouldn’t give you the sample cups if you weren’t supposed to use them. Pro Tip: ask to sample a flavor, enjoy the sample, and slowly nod your head while muttering an inquisitive “hmm.” This will tell the employee that you enjoy it, but that you may need to look further. Rinse and repeat for every flavor until they stop you.

4. Visit McDonald’s to Say Hey to the Cool Kid from High School
You all remember J.T., right? You may remember him as “Flash Muscles,” the nickname he made for himself. He goofed off a little too much, skipped class a little too much, and smoked pot a little too much. Now he scoops your fries at just the right pace. But hey, at least he bagged a lot of hot chicks in high school, for what that’s worth in his late twenties.

5. Leave Your Kids at Arby’s and Enjoy a Date Night
They’ll be fine. They’re almost six. Go have some you time.

If you have events that you would like to be submitted for future editions of “What to Do This Weekend,” you can send those events to [email protected].

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