Author: SamClemens (Page 5 of 13)

Alabama Fans Celebrate, Expect 7,000 New Births, At Least Four Forks in Family Trees

January 9, 2018 /

WHITE TRASH, USA – The Alabama Crimson Tide won another National Championship on Monday night, defeating the University of Georgia in dramatic fashion. Trailer parks are rocking throughout America as Alabama fans celebrate another year of vicarious greatness in a destined-to-be-outlawed athletic competition.

The Alabama Department of Safety, working out of its satellite office in the Chester’s Fried Chicken facilities on Cahaba Road in Birmingham, announced that it is expecting a baby boom in the coming months, which will result from joyful championship celebration.

“We expect a significant increase in children born in approximately seven to nine months,” said Alabama Department of Safety Spokesman Joseph Durtt. “Early estimates place the boom at seven thousand new births, with sixty percent of those to be named either Nick, Saban, or Bear.”

In an equally significant estimate, Durtt announced that the family trees throughout the State of Alabama are expected to fork at least four times, the largest expansion in statewide genetic diversity in decades.

“We are thrilled,” added Durtt. “We haven’t seen this kind of celebration and excitement since they made a movie out of To Kill a Mockingbird so we could all finally understand it through them moving pictures.”

“Don’t worry,” Durtt added with a wink. “The trees are forking a couple of times, but there will still be plenty of white folks around to run things.”

Economists predict an eventual stock surge and economic windfall for Mountain Dew, used car parts vendors, anything denim, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Row Tide, y’all. Row Tide.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Parents Pretty Damn Excited About School Starting Back

January 8, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018. More importantly, it’s the day that schools return from Christmas Break and you can finally drop your shitbag kids back off to a criminally underpaid childcare provider.

Sure, the first few days of Christmas Break were wonderful. You slept in together, made waffles, and watched Christmas movies, all in anticipation of the impending holiday season, filled with laughter, cheer, and thankfulness.

But then January happened. And it’s been eight damn days of cold, rain, and horrible stories from your kids. Yes, Jared. I heard about what all the other kids have on their backpacks and no we can’t go buy that shit just because Bryson has it on his backpack too.

For a week now, your work schedule has been crippled by having to find some poor soul to watch these hoodlums for several hours a day. No more!

It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018, and you are free. Drop those kids off, get to your desk, and pour yourself a cup of coffee in peace.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Report: Short-Term Rentals Responsible for 60% of Crime, Sexual Assault

January 5, 2018 /

NASHVILLE, TN – A shocking report released by the Nashville City Council on Friday revealed that short-term rentals, once a relatively unnoticed economic boon to Nashville and surrounding cities, have been found to be responsible for at least sixty percent of violent crime and sexual assault.

“We find the results of this report deeply disturbing,” said Nashville City Councilman Brian Chesky. “It is clear that short-term rentals have become a menace to this city, and we must take whatever measures possible to stop them.”

The Report revealed that short-term rental properties are relatively harmless when occupied, as the occupants in the buildings force the buildings to behave, much like when your mother walked into your room when you were on your computer— close that whack-ass porn and look up your homework!

The troubling details of the Report arose when the short-term rental properties become unoccupied. At that time, the hidden powers within the buildings awake and allow the buildings to come to life, wreaking havoc on local neighborhoods.

“We found that short-term rental properties, when left alone, often resort to violence, crime, and rampant drug use,” said Dr. Baker N. Blumfeld, who published the Report. “Often times, upon vacancy, the properties stand, uproot themselves from their foundation, and roam the streets at large, menacing nearby residents and robbing elderly women at gunpoint.”

In total, the Report found that crimes committed by short-term rental monsters accounted for sixty percent of all crime in Nashville.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to witness the violence that these properties levy upon innocent women and children. After all, this report must be true, right? It can’t just be that some bitchy citizens who claim to be inconvenienced by noise complaints would demand some peace and quiet (while living in the 24th largest city in the country, by the way) at the cost of losing millions of dollars in investment and tourism revenue for the city, right? That can’t be the case. No way.

With the only logical response being that short-term rental properties turn into living, breathing monsters when unoccupied, the Murfreesboro Tribune officially endorses the plan to limit these monsters being allowed in Middle Tennessee and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Think of the children!

Entire Facebook Group Fails to Understand Satire, Basic Literary Devices

December 29, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a flurry of very important online outrage this week, the Urban Occupants, a relatively powerful player in the world of Facebook-groups-that-just-bitch-about-things, proved once again that, when it comes to the internet, idiots win the day.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team recently released a report issued by a crack squad of neuroscientists, physicists, doctors, lawyers, and Captain Jean-Luc Picard, which discovered the following: the Urban Occupants Facebook group is filled with individuals who just don’t f***ing understand satire.

Here is a helpful guide, from the Murfreesboro Tribune FAQ Page:

According to the website Literary Devices, “satire is a technique employed by writers to expose and criticize foolishness and corruption of an individual or a society by using humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule. It intends to improve humanity by criticizing its follies and foibles.”

Merriam-Webster defines satire as: “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”

Faced with numerous articles that are quite precisely intended to criticize the follies and foibles of humanity, the Urban Occupants have oft reverted to a number of amusing-yet-empty platitudes and attacks, including the following Pulitzer-worthy juggernauts:

“Totally FAKE news!”

Well played with the all caps, kind sir. We hate to be the ones to tell you, but satire isn’t exactly supposed to be real. Maybe that’s why the dictionary definition specifically includes an exaggeration of the truth?

“There’s nothing useful about writing something like this! It’s not funny… This should be illegal!”

We agree. F*** the First Amendment. While we’re at it, f*** America. And f*** democracy. Let’s just let this woman run the internet. Sic Semper Tyrannis!

“It’s not even funny. So you look stupid for writing stuff like this.”

It’s 2017, ma’am. Let’s stop starting sentences with a conjunction. If you’d like, you can take a minute to Google “conjunction.” [Jeopardy Theme Song]. Now that you’re back, we just want you to know that we aren’t going to stop writing stuff like this. And we aren’t stupid.

“QUESTION IS…WHY WOULD SOMEONE CREATE THIS POST IN THE FIRST PLACE????????????”

Please stay where you are. We are sending medical personnel to retrieve you, because you appear to have just fallen and landed on the damn question mark.

“I’ve never read an article from this publication that’s funny.”

Funny, we’ve never seen a profile picture from you that doesn’t look like a bitch. Quirks happen.

We hope this guide has been helpful in understanding satire. If you still don’t get it, just flip on back to Two And A Half Men reruns, which are probably more your speed.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Party Fowl Opens, Hires Witch Doctor to Break Coach’s Grill Curse

December 27, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Party Fowl, a Nashville-based hot chicken restaurant, opened this week in Downtown Murfreesboro, taking over a vacant commercial building that has previously held several failed ventures, including Los Guachitos Mexical Restaurant, Coach’s Grill, Fairways Golf & Grill, and Brew U.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has learned that the largest barrier to opening the new Party Fowl location had nothing to do with food or permits, but instead surrounded an ancient curse placed on the property by a former tenant, Coach’s Grill.

“When we first looked at the property, we could tell right away that something was wrong,” said Party Fowl Owner Chick Leghorn. “As soon as we set foot inside the building, it just smelled like dirt, mold, and health code violations. But I could also feel something else, a deeper level of pain and soiled light beer.”

Leghorn consulted with Zuku, a local witch doctor, who also works at Starbucks during the day, to better understand the spiritual environment at the new location. To Leghorn’s surprise, Zuku discovered that the property was cursed. After all, Coach’s Grill failed, Fairways Golf & Grill tanked, and not even Bar Rescue could save Brew U.

Zuku ultimately sacrificed six Nashville hot chickens to please the spirits in the building. Leghorn is hoping that the sacrifice paid off.

Leghorn remained adamant that the previous failed businesses had nothing to do with the generally shitty location of the building, near what some have called “the jewel of that meth part of Murfreesboro.”

“The key to this place is convenience,” said Leghorn. “After all, our customers can have some damn good chicken and then walk next door to get a cash advance on their next paycheck, pay their Metro PCS bill, and pick up a handle of their favorite liquor at one of the nineteen liquor stores within walking distance. It’s solid.”

TDOT to Close Bridge Over Broad, Cites Safety Concerns

December 22, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning turn of events on Friday, the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that the Bridge over Broad Street will be closed indefinitely, pending a comprehensive safety investigation.

“At this time, the Bridge over Broad Street will be closed to all traffic,” TDOT Spokesman Bob Bridgeman announced on Friday morning. “We will release more details as they become available.”

UPDATE: The Tennessee Department of Transportation released the following statement on the Bridge over Broad Street closure:

Over the past six days, the Tennessee Department of Transportation and local law enforcement agencies have received at least four different reports of trespassing, loitering, and vandalism on the east side of the Bridge over Broad Street.

Further investigation revealed that, on at least three separate occasions, City Councilman Fast Eddie Silverman interfered with traffic and verbally abused nearby drivers so that he could spray paint his name on the overpass. Silverman initially spray painted “Eddie Silverman for Mayor” on the overpass and, despite authorities scrubbing the paint from the overpass, Silverman returned to write “The Eddie Silverman Bridge” in large block letters.

At this time, the Tennessee Department of Transportation does not believe that the Bridge over Broad Street has the proper safety restraints to be open and accessible to the public. Councilman Silverman has not been located and, despite repeated attempts to explain the improbability of his mayoral election, he appears intent on naming the bridge after himself and announcing his candidacy for mayor.

This story is developing.

Satire Writer Burns Through Severance Pay, Returns to Work

December 20, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – After four months of merciless debauchery, notable satire writer Sam Clemens has officially torched his severance pay and is begrudgingly returning to work at The Murfreesboro Tribune.

In late August, Clemens submitted his resignation to the remaining writers at The Tribune, who collectively elected to shut down the website in lieu of producing the shit-quality writing that a Clemens-less Tribune would undoubtedly possess.

After Clemens submitted his resignation, which was a completely free and voluntary decision to quit, The Tribune Editorial Board elected to give Clemens six f***ing months of pay to blow on hookers, weed, and poor life choices.

“We believe that Sam contributed a lot to our work,” said Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe. “He chose to quit his job and, as most businesses would agree, we thought it was appropriate to reward a quitter with six months of free money.”

The Tribune reached Clemens for comment, ultimately meeting him on the second floor balcony of the Jackson Inn, near a pile of burned out Mountain Dew bottles, plastic piping, and used needles.

“I’m glad to be back,” said Clemens, quoting himself in his own article like a genuine sociopath. “I don’t really have much else to do but sell my body and, I’ll be honest with you, the market for me is a little rough out here.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

County to Relocate Confederate Monument on Murfreesboro Square

August 21, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In the midst of a nationwide backlash towards Confederate monuments, Rutherford County announced plans on Monday morning to relocate the Confederate Monument on the square in Murfreesboro.

The nationwide discussion about Confederate monuments erupted this month after a white supremacist drove a vehicle into a group of “counter-protesters” (which is a thing in 2017), killing one and injuring many others.

The controversy struck Murfreesboro last week when several protesters draped a blanket over the Confederate Monument on the Murfreesboro square, dealing a crushing blow to racism and likely causing permanent damage to the statue

News broke over the weekend that the public has organized a community meeting, the most proven method of getting-shit-done on the local level, to address the confederate monuments. Experts predict that the meeting is severely unlikely to result in people who like to hear themselves talk domineering the conversation and arguing with each other.

On Monday morning, seemingly aware that a community meeting would force the county into action, Rutherford County issued a press release announcing a bold relocation plan:

At this time, Rutherford County has decided to relocate the Confederate Monument on the Murfreesboro Square. The Monument will moved to the top of the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse, in place of the weather vane, to make sure that the people here know that we are about America and the Civil War.

We recognize that many citizens are out there defending the Confederacy on social media as if the North just invaded again and we appreciate that. We want our citizens to know that we hear you. We know that the Civil War is very important in history, that you aren’t racist, and that people offended by the monument should just get used to it by now.

Details are yet to be released as to the date, time, and location of the proposed relocation, but several protesters have reported a willingness to put video game playing and government check cashing on hold to be present for a protest.

Reached for comment, County Mayor Bernie Sturgess said, “I can confirm that we have a Confederate Monument here, but I’ve got a state senate election to worry about, so my only comment would be that I love America.”

Here at The Tribune, we find this decision morally reprehensible. We prefer to take selected historical figures and assess their decisions, which were made hundreds of years ago, in the lens of modern morals. This seems like the only fair route. And if you disagree you are racist.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Euthanization Clinic Set for Homeless on Public Square

July 23, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Several business owners in Downtown Murfreesboro have joined forces to host a Euthanization Clinic for the Poor, which will provide a compassionate response to the growing problem of homelessness in Rutherford County.

“We have become increasingly concerned with the homeless population on the Murfreesboro Square,” said one business owner. “This image is hurting our downtown area and we need to try and clean it up.”

Many business owners agreed that there is a problem, but could not settle on a solution. The group considered several proposals, including criminalizing homelessness, tazing the poor, or distributing blankets infected with smallpox, before settling on a Euthanization Clinic, somehow believing that you can just make all these people go away.

It is worth noting that the group failed to discuss reasonable solutions such as housing programs, job training, and access to education, or investing time, effort, or resources to help build community.

“Sure, being homeless is hard, and worrying about where your next meal comes from is stressful,” said one downtown resident, “But these people look just awful to my customers, and the Euthanization Clinic gives them a way out.”

According to preliminary plans, the Euthanization Clinic will have two phases. In Phase One, a clinic participant will be sorted into “Worthless” and “Only-Kinda-Worthless.”

In Phase Two,  participants deemed “Worthless” will be either put down humanely or loaded into a van and dropped in the middle of Downtown Nashville.

In Phase Two, participants deemed “Only-Kinda-Worthless” will be sent to Camp Homeless, a year-round summer camp for the poor, which includes free room and board, concrete walls, barb wire fencing, and physical activities, such as road building, license plate hammering, and the creation of Soylent Green.

“Camp Homeless is a great opportunity for these people to get the hell out of my sight,” said one business owner, who declined to comment on the shocking similarity between Camp Homeless and a prison or concentration camp.

“They’re gonna have a blast,” he added. “And they’re gonna get away from my business, which is the most important thing.”

The Euthanization Clinic for the Poor will be held on Saturday, August 12, on the Public Square, after which time this place can start to look like a proper business district again.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page. 

Murfreesboro Victoria’s Secret Printing Error, Coupon Reads “Just Come Steal Everything”

July 20, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Victoria’s Secret was robbed again on Thursday, and, at this point, repeated theft seems to be what the panty paradise wants.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked into the string of knicker nippers and found that the criminal episodes may stem from a printing error in the Daily News Journal, an overpriced blog that is printed on paper and sold to the public (which seems like a solid business model in the year of our Lord 2017).

In 2015, the Daily News Journal ran a coupon for Victoria’s Secret, but a printing error resulted in the coupon reading:

“Victoria’s Secret. Just Come Steal Everything!”

The Tribune Investigative Team found that over twenty different thefts have occurred at Victoria’s Secret in the two years since the coupon was printed, which is the approximate readership of the Daily News Journal. No coincidence, indeed.

To the delight of the marketing firm hired to help trouser trappers run away with unmentionables, the coupon appears to be highly effective. After all, the store was robbed.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

We get it.

Stop.

It won’t stop.

You made your point.

Can’t stop.

There are so many more.

This story is developing. And by developing we mean this place is just going to keep getting robbed, reporting the robbery to the police, taking up taxpayer resources, and writing off the stolen goods as a loss.

Rinse, repeat, and whatever you do don’t implement any reasonable security practices.

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