Author: SamClemens (Page 3 of 13)

Facebook Group Resumes Steady Diet of Eating Its Own

November 20, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A mere two months after granting the wish of so many and shuttering its doors, the Urban Occupants returned to Facebook with penchant for pettiness, launching an all-out polling war on news publications.

“It feels good to be back,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “It feels even better to be back and to be mercilessly fighting with each other over the most meaningless shit on earth.”

Taking a slow sip of hot tea, Frakes added: “Ah, it just feels right.”

On November 16, Urban Occupants Moderator Robby Wolfman Jr. created a poll to gauge the feelings of the group. Wolfman must have believed that the Urban Occupants, which will resort to threatening the lives of each other over the internal rules of a completely voluntary social media sub-group, would peaceably reach a consensus on one single issue, a feat that experts predict has occurred in this group a total of zero times.

Surprising no one in the world, the poll created even more division, leading to personal attacks, general anxiety, and inexplicably entitled demands for immediate action from a set of volunteer moderators.

“We demand action now!” wrote one commenter, who regularly enjoys the unpaid work of the moderators, but now expects these same unpaid moderators to work-for-free even faster.

As of the time this article is published, debates endlessly rage over trash pickup, historic district rezoning, meat sales, and religious liberties.

Welcome back, Urban Occupants.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Council Pledged Tax Incentives, Virgin Sacrifice in Failed Amazon HQ2 Bid

November 19, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In one of the most startling stories in local politics since teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was not asked to the Murfreesboro Sadie Hawkins Dance, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered disturbing details surrounding the local bid to land Amazon’s highly-coveted “HQ2.”

“I can confirm that the city made a very competitive offer for Amazon,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland when reached for comment in his home driveway.

“I’m going to refrain from giving details at this time,” he added, as if we can’t go through his trash or personal papers.

Through an expanded investigation, which included Mayor McHarland’s trash can and the back seat of Eddie Silverman’s Dodge Stratus, the only poor bastard who left his car open, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team learned more about the city’s failed Amazon bid.

The Murfreesboro Amazon HQ 2 Bid included:

  • Tax Incentives totaling enough to buy all of the Demos’ restaurants and possibly Peter Demos himself.
  • One kidney from an unidentified donor, which could be redeemed by any member of the Amazon Board of Directors.
  • Mayor McHarland’s personal collection of Jim Varney movies, including the extremely rare “Ernest In Da Hood.”
  • At least one virgin, and possibly as many as four virgins, to be sacrificed at a time and place selected by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Notes from Silverman’s truck indicated that Silverman once read about virgin sacrifices in a TV Guide and, since TV Guide dictates much of Silverman’s policy positions, he proposed the inclusion in the final bid.

Other notes from Silverman expressed frustration that Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin failed to contribute to the virgin search, saying instead that he didn’t know any women who were virgins after their meeting. “I close deals,” Martin reportedly told Silverman. “It’s what I do.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Reeves-Sain Closing Update: Fred’s Pledges to Execute Swiftly, Humanely

September 24, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning turn of events, discount retailer Fred’s announced plans to close Reeves-Sain Drug Store in Murfreesboro.

“I know what we all thought,” said Fred’s Vice President of Local Store Destruction Monty Burns. “We all thought that a massive discount chain was the perfect fit to keep this mom and pop soda shop alive. Turns out we were flagrantly wrong.”

Fred’s purchased Reeves-Sain in 2015 for $66 Million(!), which is significantly more than it would take for The Tribune Staff to kill a man. Like seriously. We would do it for a fraction of that.

Over the past year, Fred’s, Walgreens, and Rite Aid have just started using Monopoly money to buy shit, making asset acquisition look as easy as picking up a sweet pair of $4 Velcro kicks from the Fred’s bargain bin.

Surprisingly absolutely no one, Walgreens has expressed little to no enthusiasm about keeping a small town milkshake counter that is conspicuously close to an Indian restaurant with “Pit” in the name.

“We want to ensure the community that the Reeves-Haynes Pharmacy will spend its final days resting with its loved ones,” Walgreens issued in a press release. “When the time comes, it will be put down humanely and peacefully.”

Reached for comment and notified that the shop is pronounced Reeves-Sain, a Walgreens spokesman added “well its about to be Reeves-closed.”

Police Investigate Bank Robbery, Crimes Against Fashion

September 18, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A man dressed in a pinstripe suit wearing a fedora robbed the US Bank on Old Fort Parkway on Monday afternoon. The Murfreesboro Police are investigating the incident as at least two separate criminal offenses: Robbery with a Deadly Weapon and High Crimes Against Fashion.

“The real crime here is that fedora,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Jacynn Mraz. “We understand that a bank was robbed, but, even worse than the robbery itself, we are dealing with the emotional devastation from the tellers, employees, and other customers having to look at that hat.”

“I mean, what was he thinking?” Mraz added in disbelief.

According to police reports, the suspect entered the US Bank at Old Fort Parkway and passed the teller a note demanding money. The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team obtained a copy of the note, which read:

Hey Bank Teller. Give me all your money. I have a gun. Also, sorry about this fucking hat. It’s all that I had left in my mom’s basement. Also, if you have time, I play bass in a Blues Traveler cover band and we have a show Friday. HMU on Facebook.

“We know that our job is to protect the public from enemies both foreign and domestic,” said Mraz. “We are determined to find the man who committed this sartorial terrorism and bringing him to justice.”

As of the time this article is written, no arrests have been made.

We will be at the show Friday to see if this madman shows himself.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Shuts Down, Finally Hates Itself As Much As We Do

September 13, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “irreconcilable conflicts with basic norms of human decency,” the Urban Occupants, a relatively inconspicuous group of self-obsessed rabble rousers, closed its proverbial doors on Thursday, fueling speculation by absolutely no one as to why it happened.

“All good things come to an end,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “So do awful things. And so do things that are worse than awful, like this group of soulless savages.”

The move surprised approximately three people who had ever come in contact with the group. Everyone else knew how toxic the group had become and each nodded in approval when the group finally shut its doors.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes, so too will these constant complainers find another page to complain. Until then, use your imagination to fill your life with people unnecessarily injecting politics into your life or complaining about any type of new construction that could ever exist with thirty square miles of their home.

Hats off to you, Urban Occupants. You will be missed.

Then again, we aren’t sure who will miss you, but maybe someone.

Maybe.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Fans Prepare for “Be a Vol” Monday: Just Won’t Show Up

September 2, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – University of Tennessee fans throughout Middle Tennessee are gearing up for “Be a Vol” Monday, which allows UT Fans of all shapes and stripes to live a day like a True Tennessee Volunteer. Tomorrow, “Be a Vol” Monday will feature the most prominent performance from this past weekend: like a True Tennessee Volunteer against West Virginia, UT Fans simply won’t show up.

“We decided that the best thing we can do for ‘Be a Vol’ Monday tomorrow is to reenact an authentic Tennessee performance,” said Phil Volman, President of the University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee. “And what better way to reenact the game against West Virginia than to just not show up?”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Sports Report informed Volman that the Volunteers actually did appear at the West Virginia game this past weekend, but Volman refused to agree.

“You kidding me?” Volman added. “Did you watch the same game I watched?”

Tennessee fans who want to take part in “Be a Vol” Monday are encouraged to follow the guidelines below.

“BE A VOL” MONDAY
RULES AND REGULATIONS
SEPTEMBER 3, 2018

1. Don’t Show Up.
This week, to truly be a Vol, don’t show up. Don’t even pretend to show up. We don’t care if you’re getting beat by three scores. Just keep mailing it in. We have to make this authentic guys, so don’t even take the risk of showing up.

2. If You Do Show Up, Don’t Try.
This is critical. If you somehow mistakenly end up on the field, don’t try. Like at all. Let your co-workers run laps around you, don’t try and complete even the most basic job functions, send the message to your supporters that this week doesn’t really matter. I mean, just really put on your “f*** this job” face.

3. Remain Insistent that the University of Tennessee Will Win the National Championship.
Because how can we be Vols fans if we aren’t naming ourselves a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” every year? Duh.

The University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee reiterated the excitement of returning to action next weekend against East Tennessee State, who didn’t even have a football program five years ago.

“Can’t wait to get back on track to that National Championship,” said Volman. “Go Vols!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Business Pretty Sure Newspaper Award Worth Shameless Groveling

August 29, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s that time of year again! When local businesses bend over backwards, beg, borrow, steal, and threaten violence to your loved ones in exchange for a vote in an online popularity contest called The Ruthies.

Each year, the Daily Poo Journal, Rutherford County’s #1 soon-to-shut-down news source, hosts The Ruthies, an online voting competition that truly measures what local businesses will badger and harass friends and family most.

“It’s an honor to be nominated,” said Emily Leitner, who nominated herself. “To think that I took the time to type my own name into a nomination form. Just wow. So humbling.”

Leitner is one of many local businesses who use the Ruthies as an opportunity to keep in touch with friends and family by shamelessly asking for favors.

“I forgot it was August for a minute,” said Murfreesboro resident Jake Freeze. “But then my friend who is a physical therapist started blowing me up about voting for him and I knew it was Ruthies time again.”

Ruthies winners earn the distinct honor of receiving a plaque equal to or smaller than those earned by parks and recreation little league runners-up. Other accolades and advertising cost extra.

“It’s exciting,” said John Newcomb, who owns Pipsqueak Computers in Murfreesboro. “If we win, we get the chance to buy more promo materials and even some ad space. What a deal!”

Here at The Tribune, we applaud the Daily Poo Journal for its wit and creativity. After all, the Ruthies competition is likely the best that those junior college graduate ass hats could come up with. Try some real news, fellas.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Next Era of Head Trauma Patients Begin Medically-Cautioned Quest for High School Popularity

August 20, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Parks & Recreation hosted its first youth football practice last week, welcoming dozens of youngsters eager to shuck off the advice of every medical professional who has ever researched American football and pursue the unlikely chance that athletic excellence may yield high school popularity.

“It’s a great day for football,” said Coach Brick Rocke. “And I mean it. The overcast sky won’t create many issues when these ten year olds get their first concussion.”

“Gotta learn some time!” Rocke added with a hearty laugh and an involuntary eye twitch earned playing college football.

Local preteens spent the day learning football fundamentals, practicing tackling technique, and writing letters to former youth football players who currently reside in the Middle Tennessee Center for Brain Trauma (totally unrelated btw).

“It’s going to be a great season,” said Jack Thompson, whose son, Gunner, plays for the twelve year old Pop Warner team. “Gunner has totally recovered from his second knee replacement and hasn’t had night tremors in a solid three months. All systems go!”

The 2018 Murfreesboro Youth Football League is sponsored by Andrew Haskins, M.D. Dr. Haskins and his team of board-licensed neurosurgeons view the sponsorship as an investment in future brain injury patients.

“We love giving back to youth sports,” said Dr. Haskins. “And these kids are gonna beat their heads in anyways, so we may as well be the first name in mind when they return to consciousness.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Murfreesboro Tribune Joins Instagram, Slides Into DMs Daily

August 19, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune, once called the most vivacious news publication in the Cumberland Valley, joined the 21st Century this week, launching a soon-to-be-famous Instagram account.

You can follow all of the Tribune antics at: http://instagram.com/murfreesborotribune

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at[email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Free Candy Out of a Van (and Other Things to do This Weekend)

August 17, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Mayday Brewery Hot Chicken & Jorts Party
It’s deliciously trashy, but sufficiently entertaining. Join a cast of characters who have no business wearing cutoff jean shorts. Feeling adventurous? Embarrass yourself too. You have full permission from The Tribune.

2. Dress up as Chewbacca and Hand Out Candy in Public
Why is this reserved for Halloween? It’s August, which is a damn fine month for handing out candy. If you want to really garner public attention, bring your windowless van and hand the candy out of the back. Or, if you’re looking for things to do with that van…

3. Serve Ice Cream Bars Out of Your Windowless Van at the Soccer Park
Trust us: the parents will love it. Who wouldn’t love a benevolent, handsome, and fully-toothed stranger handing out free ice cream to brighten the days of young ones? If parents object, it’s probably because they’re the kind of parents that hand out trail mix at Halloween. It has nothing to do with the pure creep factor emanating from your van.

4. Quietly Resent Your Spouse
Because who the fuck does she think she is?

5. Kick Your Neighbor’s Dog When No One is Looking
That little dog has been asking for it. Wait until no one is looking, and kick that little bitch like Beckham. And we use bitch as the technical term for a female dog. This is a family publication folks, but we also strive for pure journalistic integrity. If your mother gives you a problem for reading it, tell that bitch to keep it to herself.

If you have events that you would like to be submitted for future editions of “What to Do This Weekend,” you can send those events to [email protected].

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