Author: SamClemens (Page 12 of 13)

Bonnaroo 2016

Bonnaroo Report: It’s Still Cheaper to Just Do Drugs in an Empty Field

June 9, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – According to a report released by the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team on Thursday, it is still cheaper to just do drugs in an empty field than to attend the 2016 Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival.

Bonnaroo offers live music, social activities, and copious amounts of recreational drug use, including marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, MDMA, acid, LSD, mushrooms, amphetamines, adderall, benzos, cough medicine, whippits, low-grade beaver tranquilizers, and Uncle Buck’s Pocket Candy.

Bonnaroo enthusiast Molly Coke is one former music festival attendee that decided to forego Bonnaroo this year in favor of simply standing in an empty field and doing experimental drugs.

Coke estimates that the cost for a weekend at Bonnaroo is nearly $1,000.00, which includes $600.00 for tickets, $100.00 for food and supplies, and $300.00 for various hippie wares, such as rainsticks, dream catchers, and assorted arts and crafts.

In comparison, Coke estimates that the cost of standing in an empty field and doing drugs is minimal, as it requires nothing but the cost of drugs. Depending on the drug, Coke says that the price ranges from several hundred dollars to the mere performance of a backyard sammie for the cashier at the neighborhood bodega.

“I thought about going back to Bonnaroo,” said Coke. “But let’s be honest, I’m just there for the drugs. Instead of dealing with filthy hippies, meditation circles, and hackey sack contests, I’ll just do drugs in this vacant lot.”

The Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the ecstasy used by Coke was legitimate. Three Team Members left for a warehouse rave and we lost Phil, but it was a hell of a ride.

Pickup Truck

Local Man Drives Pickup Truck Like a Jackass

June 6, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Monday, Smyrna resident Leroy Higgins drove his 1992 Chevrolet pickup truck down Broad Street in Murfreesboro, tailgating and darting through traffic like a complete and utter jackass.

Higgins, 26, is an unemployed welder. He lives in a two bedroom trailer in Smyrna with his girlfriend, Brandie Lynn, and their six children, Tammy, Darlene, Jim Bob, Bubba, and twins Walker and Texas Ranger.

Higgins bought the old pickup truck in 2009, telling friends and family that “this road needs some ass kicking.” He promptly outfitted the truck with a gun rack, an assortment of NASCAR stickers, and a four foot wide “Roll Tide” decal across the entire rear window.

Once positioned behind an innocent driver, Higgins typically cranks up the volume on his stereo and pulls his truck approximately eighteen inches behind the other car, because, you know, what good is a pickup truck if you’re not going to drive it like a complete prick?

Witnesses appeared shocked to see a pickup truck driving like an insufferable ass, and were quick to comment that the driver must be very important, have a high self-esteem, and have an above average penis size.

“I bought this truck to outrun everybody,” said Higgins. “I want everybody to know that I got a confederate flag, some Mountain Dew, and the biggest pecker this side of Woodbury.”

On Monday, as the other drivers moved out of the way, Higgins turned up his Skynyrd, took a swig of Mountain Dew, and sped through traffic at eighty miles an hour, leaving a trail of Walmart receipts and scratch-off lottery tickets floating through the summer air.

Constable Bob Darnold

Man Who Didn’t Follow Law Will Not Resign as Law Following Enforcer

May 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Embattled Rutherford County Constable Bob Darnold issued a message to his lone supporter on Monday, emphasizing that he has no intention of resigning his position in crime prevention.

“I want to thank my supporter,” said Darnold. “And by that I mean the one person out there who still has faith in me to do this job. I don’t know his name, but there’s gotta be at least one out there, right?”

Darnold was indicted on Friday, May 27, 2016, on thirteen charges, including bribery, extortion, and selecting a haircut with reckless disregard for male pattern baldness.

Darnold oversees the Rutherford County Constables Division, the largest law enforcement agency in Rutherford County. Through extensive investigation, the Tribune Investigative Team discovered that one of the tasks assigned to the Rutherford County Constables Division is crime prevention.

Merriam-Webster defines “crime” as:

An act or the commission of an act that is forbidden or the omission of a duty that is commanded by a public law and that makes the offender liable to punishment by that law.

Having been alive for more than seven months, the Tribune Investigative Team can safely conclude that Constable Darnold committed some pretty serious Merriam-Websters in the not-so-distant past.

A spokesman for Rutherford County declined to comment on how in the name of Sam Hill the same person can sit under federal indictment but approve the arrest of that random black kid for having a quarter ounce of weed in his pocket.

The Tribune Investigative Team further researched how a person can both commit crimes and prevent crimes at the same time. After hours of experimental drug use, followed by some attempted citizen arrests for minor traffic infractions, the Investigative Team found that committing crime without any consequence is pretty great. Thumbs up, Constable Darnold!

Murfreesboro Arrest

Local Man Stunned that Flagrant Criminal Conduct Leads to Arrest

May 27, 2016 /

The Murfreesboro Police Department arrested Bob Darnold Friday, capping a months-long investigation into alleged misconduct by Darnold and his friend Joey “Slick” Tussell.

Darnold appeared surprised at his arrest, expressing confusion as to how several months of repeated public misconduct had caught the attention of local authorities.

Authorities began investigating Darnold and Tussell in 2014, when Darnold draped a banner outside of his employment that said “Don’t Worry Police. We Aren’t Breaking the Law.” In early 2015, Darnold hung another banner below that reads “No Seriously, Nothing to See Here.”

On Friday, the investigation concluded with the arrest of Darnold and Tussell, ending what law enforcement said was the most flagrant criminal conduct in this county since Tipp DeVeer left behind a signed apology after live tweeting his escape from the Rutherford County Jail in 2013.

“This one wasn’t that hard,” said Detective Jenkins Jones. “My six year old daughter figured this out. My four year old son figured this out. I think my dog could have cracked this case.”

Asked for comment, Darnold remained insistent that he did not know how the allegations came to light.

“We broke the law a few times, sure,” said Darnold. “But when the investigation started, we did all the right things: we lied, we covered up, we even made false statements to the media. I don’t understand how this kind of thing gets us arrested.”

Legal experts noted that the arrest likely stemmed from repeated and obvious misconduct that was committed publicly, without shame, and on a massive scale.

Jason's Deli Murfreesboro

Jason’s Deli Salad Bar Lady in the Way Again

May 23, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Customers at Jason’s Deli in Murfreesboro remained frustrated on Monday as the Salad Bar Lady personally interfered with nearly every customer in the restaurant during the tumultuous lunch hour rush.

The Salad Bar Lady, also known as Amy Post, is a forty-seven year old hater of people, engineered to frustrate even the most simple lunch tasks. As a former teller at the Department of Motor Vehicles, she is trained to turn an attainable task into a logistical clusterfuck.

The Salad Bar Lady answers to no one. Fueled only by a desire to wage war against practicality, she spends her days dutifully filling only the salad bar bins that need the least attention. There is a line of thirty-six people for garbanzo beans. The Salad Bar Lady cares not.

The Salad Bar Lady stands behind no one. She follows you, step by step, until you reach for a pair of tongs, at which time she launches into action, “excuse me” be damned. On her apron, you may find handwritten notes containing your home address and list of personal fears.

Jason’s Deli Manager Jake Trainer declined to comment on the extensive lines at his salad bar, but he did note that the volume in the restaurant has increased significantly since he hired the Salad Bar Lady, due to the fact that it takes thirteen hours to finish a salad bar meal in his restaurant.

GoFundMe

Local Bar Launches GoFundMe, Asks for Free Money

May 20, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Ron and Hermione Piper opened the White Owl, a Harry Potter themed brewpub, in March, which fulfilled a lifelong dream of owning a wizarding pub. Now, the Pipers want to grow the business.

The Pipers considered traditional sources of capital, such as private investors, bank loans, and credit cards. In the end, the couple chose to launch a GoFundMe campaign, asking the public to hand over hard-earned money, which may otherwise pay for basic life necessities, as donations to a for-profit business.

“We thought about a bank loan or credit cards,” said Ron Piper, “but why would we pay interest on a loan when we can just ask our customers to give us money for free without giving them anything in return?”

“He’s right,” said Hermione Piper. “Business loans and credit cards would make us actually invest in this place. We thought it would be much easier if the public just gave us free money to cover our expenses, which will help us earn profit.”

“The community needs us,” Ron said emphatically. “Our concept of a place that sells food and alcohol is so unique that the community should give us free money to expand. Have you ever seen someone build a for-profit business by borrowing money or using their own money? Sounds impossible to me.”

The GoFundMe list of common types of campaigns includes: “Most people use GoFundMe to raise money for themselves, a friend or loved one during life’s important moments. This includes things like medical expenses, education costs, volunteer programs, youth sports, funerals & memorials – even animals & pets.”

“I think the mission of GoFundMe has been distorted,” said Hermione. “All these GoFundMe campaigns about sick kids and mission trips have it wrong. The purpose of GoFundMe is, and has always been, small business lending.”

“Those unplanned medical emergencies and dying people should have planned better,” echoed Ron. “What are they adding to the community that our bar isn’t? I think donated money goes to better use at our bar, where we are a for-profit venture looking to make money.”

It is unclear whether the Pipers will offer incentives to customers who donate to the GoFundMe Campaign, but Ron sounded skeptical of giving anything worth a damn in return for people giving him part of their paycheck to help him run a business entity.

“Oh God no,” he remarked. “We are running a business. We need that money. If you want a handout, go to church.”

“But with this place open, you are free to purchase an eight dollar beer at any time,” added Ron, glancing wistfully to the sky. “This city is so lucky to have us here.”

You can learn more about the White Owl at www.ThatShamelessBar.com or www.WhatABadIdea.com.

Murfreesboro Meth Hotel

Business Brief: Meth Café to Open at Murfreesboro Motel

May 16, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Harold and Diane Massey believe in selling a product that the customer wants, which inspired the couple to open the first full-service methamphetamine restaurant in Tennessee. The Masseys will open their unique restaurant, the Meth Stop, at the Knights Inn in Murfreesboro.

“When you look at the demographics of this area, it’s clear that this community loves meth,” said Harold. “I can’t remember the exact numbers, but there were something like eight thousand meth arrests within a square mile of this place last year.”

The Knights Inn, which is located on South Church Street in Murfreesboro, is a local hotspot for drug use, police activity, and fans of hobo fight clubs.

“This place is the portrait of meth use,” said Harold Massey, waving his hand toward the Knights Inn. “We just hope that we can provide enough methamphetamine to keep up with the high demand in this neighborhood.”

According to police reports, the Murfreesboro Police Department was called to the Knights Inn for 3,721 methamphetamine related offenses in the past year, an average of over ten calls per day. The Regal Inn, which is across the street from the Knights Inn, witnessed a paltry 2,855 reports of methamphetamine production.

“That was the determining factor,” said Diane Massey. “We thought about opening the restaurant at the Regal Inn, but it just wasn’t infested with rampant poverty and meth use like the other locations we looked at.”

Other locations considered by the Masseys included the Jackson Motel, the Murfreesboro Motel, and stall three in the women’s restroom at Shoney’s.

The Meth Stop will be open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, serving American fare with a Southern twist. VIP trailers will be available for a more private meth experience. For more information, contact [email protected].

Jazz Fest Murfreesboro

Jazz Fest Attendees Love Jazz Music as long as Tailgating is Allowed

May 9, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The 20th Annual Jazz Fest was held this past weekend on the Murfreesboro Public Square. Attendees expressed a sincere appreciation for all of the subtle nuances and finer parts of jazz music.

“My favorite thing about jazz music is drinking keg beer from a trash can,” said Amelia Cartwright, a self-proclaimed jazz enthusiast. “Being able to kick back in a camping chair and play drinking games with your friends really brings out the beauty of jazz.”

When asked to list their favorite thing about jazz music, attendees named several prominent features of jazz music, including carnival food, the annual beer pong tournament, and drinking wine straight from the box.

“My favorite part was the wet t-shirt contest,” said MTSU sophomore Austin Yates. “Miles Davis and Louis Armstrong would be proud of the way those perky, ice-cold nipples complemented a sax solo.”

Event Organizers praised the record-setting attendance at Jazz Fest as proof that the community has truly embraced jazz music.

“When I see a young man reach into his cooler, pour liquor into an unmarked cup, take a hit of his finest cheeba, and chow down on some carnival food, I can tell that he is here for jazz music,” said Karen Norris of Main Street Murfreesboro.

City officials began cleanup on the Murfreesboro Public Square shortly after the event ended, working to clear trash and debris in the street, overturned garbage cans, and toilet paper thrown over the Historic Courthouse.

“It’s a typical jazz concert if I’ve ever seen one,” said Mike Ripa, the director of the cleanup. “Our crew found an inflatable swimming pool filled with marshmallows, a police cruiser set on fire, and some people passed out in the street. This place loves jazz music.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department located several used needles in the street, at least six decapitated stuffed animals in the bushes, and the remnants of an active meth lab in a nearby port-a-potty.

“It was the best Jazz Fest yet,” said Karen Norris. “The focus was one hundred percent on jazz music. I have no doubt about that.”

Murfreesboro District Representation

Citizens Demand District Representation for Whore Houses

May 6, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Election Commission will consider a petition to change the current location of whore houses throughout Murfreesboro, at the request of local entrepreneur Luther “Sweet Lou” Shirley.

The recent request to change the structure of a seven-member all at-large elected Murfreesboro City Council inspired Sweet Lou, who describes himself as a “talent manager,” to seek equal distribution of whore houses throughout the city.

According to Sweet Lou, it’s impossible for whores who all live on one side of Murfreesboro to serve the entire city. He seemed disinterested in the fact that the current whore houses have led to tremendous growth and success in the city.

“There are over 100,000 people who live in this town spread out over fifty square miles,” said Sweet Lou, “and they should all have access to my women.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team found that the seven whore houses that currently serve Murfreesboro are all located within two miles of each other in North Murfreesboro.

Sweet Lou is worried that automotive technology may not provide a way for hookers to travel quickly from one side of town to the other. He is also concerned that hookers may struggle to find some form of modern telecommunication to interact with potential customers in different parts of the city.

“How people gonna get to my hoes?” asked Sweet Lou. “You got seven houses on the same block running women and I’m up here across town wondering where my ladies at. I don’t care that the current setup works. ‘Dem hoes need to live here.”

The seven whore houses currently serving the City of Murfreesboro include:

Longford Lounge
Owner: Sugar Shane McHarland
2911 Longford Drive

The Hideaway Off Jones
Owner: Big Rob Washington
1107 Trinity Drive

Prestige Worldwide
Owner: Ol’ Don Young
1746 Somerset Drive

Boats ‘N Hoes
Owner: Fast Eddie Silverman
707 Woodmont Drive

Ladies’ Choice
Owner: Straddlin’ Madeline Hales
511 Archer Avenue

Buckingham Palace
Owner: Tricky Dick LaChance
1414 Buckingham Drive

All Good at Glenwood
Owner: Diamond Bill Hackett
1006 Glenwood Drive

Transgender Restrooms

Murfreesboro Store Solves Transgender Bathroom Issue, Introduces Genital Checker

May 3, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – For eighty-seven years, the Hammond General Store has served Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Now, the store will provide customers with a first-of-its-kind experience: a Genital Checker, who will ensure that customers use only the proper bathroom at the store.

The new position comes on the heels of a national discussion on restroom use. Several prominent businesses, including Target, have faced significant backlash after allowing customers to use whichever bathroom they identify with.

“I think we all know that, prior to this year, every single person in the world only used the bathroom for whatever they were born with,” said store owner Jimmy Hammond. “But now that people are talking about it, we need some rules that are going to stop this disgusting thing that none of us really knew about in the first place.”

Critics of rules about restroom use have said that such rules will be difficult, if not impossible, to enforce. However, the Hammonds are not concerned about such difficulties.

“I know a man when I see one,” said Hammond. “And if I can’t tell, then we came up with a pretty easy way to find out. We can just have a look at your naughty bits.”

According to Hammond, the Genital Checker will be a Hammond Store employee designated to personally inspect the fun parts of any customer attempting to use the restroom on store premises.

Prior to entering the restroom, customers must step into a screening area, drop their pants, and allow the Genital Checker to inspect their dog and pony show.

“Honestly, this is about the only way we could think of to enforce the bathroom rules,” said Hammond. “Our employees need to get into your pants to make this work. Plain and simple.”

The Hammonds want to be sensitive to all customers, so they provide an outhouse for the oversensitive people who would prefer to keep their privates private.

“We’re a family business, after all,” said Hammond. “We’re just trying to let people use the bathroom how the good Lord intended.”

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