Tag: Sugar Shane McHarland

City Council to Appoint Late Councilman’s Barber to Vacant Seat

June 12, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In an email reviewed by the Murfreesboro Tribune on Monday, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland wrote that the City Council is leaning towards appointing Cecil “Clips” Baker, a barber in Murfreesboro, to replace the late Councilman Big Don Young.

Young passed away last year, leaving the Murfreesboro City Council with only six members. The Council has three principal options to move forward: hold a special election (the voters decide), appoint a replacement (the Council decides), or leave the seat vacant (ain’t nobody decide).

“The Council decided that, more than anything, we need a replacement that knew Big Don,” Mayor McHarland wrote in a press release last week. “It’s more important that the replacement knew Big Don than it is that the individual has knowledge, experience, or input from the voters. That’s for sure.”

The City Council recently pondered the appointment of the late Young’s wife to the seat, which is probably the most politician-like thing to do. After all, the council has made it clear that the most important feature of a new council member, who is tasked with oversight of a budget that controls hundreds of millions of dollars, is that the appointment creates a warm-and-fuzzy story that won’t upset the voters.

A new development arose Monday when Mayor McHarland sent a private email to his wife, which The Tribune hacked, intercepted, and read (as we do with all his email, Facebook messages, Amazon orders, and telegrams). McHarland wrote to his wife that the City Council is now planning to appoint Clips Baker, the longtime barber of Big Don Young, to the vacant seat.

“I think we’re making the right choice,” McHarland wrote to his wife. “Clips just knew [Big Don Young] really well, and we all think that the safest political decision we can make is to appoint someone who knew him well, so the community will just say ‘aw, that’s nice,’ and forget that we are tasked with working hard, making difficult decisions, and providing for the well-being of hundreds of thousands of people.”

Clips Baker works at the Tippy Top Shop Barber Lounge on the Murfreesboro Square, where he had cut Big Don Young’s hair for the past seventeen years. He is licensed by the Cosmetology and Barber Examiners.

This story is developing.

Murfreesboro Mayor: Share This Post or the City Will Execute a Puppy

September 22, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In an interview Wednesday, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland appeared to threaten the life of Darnold, a three month old basset hound that is presently in the care of the City of Murfreesboro. Darnold is a touch slow, but was somehow still selected for this position.

Below is an excerpt from the controversial interview:

Q: Can you share what your position as Murfreesboro Mayor means to you?

A: I’m happy to share. Murfreesboro Mayor means a lot to me and my family. This post has been held by some incredible citizens, whether it’s Hollis Westbrooks, Richard Reeves, or Tommy Bragg. The best part of my day is waking up to serve the City of Murfreesboro. It is my encouragement at night and what will get me out of bed in the morning. But this isn’t a one person job. It takes a special group of people to execute the tasks required for this city to fire on all cylinders, and I am blessed to have that in the Murfreesboro City Council. It’s a privilege and an honor to serve with these folks every day.

Q: One more thing. Can you say the word ‘puppy’?

A: Did you say puppy?

Q: Yeah, I think we have what we need.

Stay with the Tribune as this story develops. Live coverage of the Darnold Memorial Service will be held once the heartless bastards on Facebook fail to share this post and Darnold walks the green mile.

City Council: Broad Street Bridge Better Be Named for Someone Who Sucks

September 12, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland heralded as “the most cooperative meeting we’ve ever had,” members of the Murfreesboro City Council on Monday held a first reading of the list of possible candidates deemed unworthy enough to lend their name to the much-maligned “Bridge Over Broad Street” project.

Several council members have noted that no one wants to have the Broad Street Bridge named in their honor, as the thirty-seven year construction project has quickly become one of the most despised structures in Rutherford County.

The smattering of current and former officials, unloved local celebrities, and Murfreesboro criminal defense lawyers that were named, one by one, during the raucous four-hour meeting represent a “who’s who” of people that the entire city would happily applaud if seen either rotting on top of Mt. Trashmore or emblazoned on the side of a $17 million TDOT overpass.

The City Council roundly agreed that no current Council Member would be allowed to have their names chosen for the bridge, a measure that Councilman Don Young simply read three times at a rapid rate of speed while other Council Members said “Not It” as quickly as possible.

The bridge project was almost named the Councilman Eddie Silverman Overpass, as he was last to say “Not it” on the first reading—an error that he attempted to hide with the use of a garish pastel shirt and tie combination, which made no fashion sense at the early September meeting.

In what this reporter can only call the most enjoyable thing since sharing a dram of laudanum with a cousin of the fairer sex, each member of the City Council giddily wasted no time in an effort to highlight some of the biggest pieces of shit that Rutherford County has to offer, which made for the best evening I’ve had since I moved here from Baltimore.

Unfortunately there is not enough space in a Sunday New York Times, let alone the humble Tribune, to list each and every name heard in the meeting, but I have included some of the more interesting quotations for readers’ benefit:

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I think everything in this city should be named after me, but please do not honor my sacrifices here—at this time. Give it to Bob Darnold. He has my vote.” – Councilwoman Straddlin’ Madelyn Hales

“Usually I can think of at least fifty ways to come up with a more complicated solution, and as you know I’m not afraid make us discuss them right now, but I’ll be quick. My vote is Loveless Bridge. Wait, no, Zavisa Bridge.” – Councilman Diamond Bill Hackett

When the meeting adjourned, Eddie Silverman sulked off in the direction of the Greenway, likely to discharge a firearm into the air, which is how he unplugs after a long night of being responsible, as the good Lord intended.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Report: Murfreesboro Mayor Lives Secret Double Life as VA Pharmacist

August 1, 2016 /

Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland lives the perfect life: husband, father, businessman, and public servant. He owns McHarland Construction in Murfreesboro and served two terms as a Murfreesboro City Councilman before being elected Mayor in 2014.

In a disturbing turn of events, the Tribune Investigative Team recently discovered that Mayor McHarland, often lauded as a selfless public servant, lives a shocking double life as Shawn McHarland, an alleged Doctor of Pharmacy with the Tennessee Valley Healthcare System.

In June, Tribune Investigative Team Member Watson Holmes arrived at City Hall to complain that the little douche rocket kids down the street keep stealing his mail. Holmes was informed that Mayor McHarland was in a meeting in Council Chambers and could not reached at that time.

Deciding to just use homemade explosives to solve the problem, Holmes left City Hall and went to Cici’s Pizza for an early dinner— because who can turn down a $3.00 all-you-can-eat buffet? When he arrived at Cici’s, Holmes was stunned to see Mayor McHarland there as well, seated in a booth and stealthily dressed in a VA Medical Center costume.

Like any responsible citizen would do, Holmes returned to City Hall, bypassed security, and broke into Mayor McHarland’s office to see what was going on. Holmes went through the Mayor’s desk drawers and read the Mayor’s personal diary, which included copious references to the current season of The Bachelorette, but had nothing about an appointment at Cici’s Pizza. Something was amiss.

Holmes quickly framed Manuel, the kindhearted cleaning man, for the break-in at the Mayor’s office. It might not be fair, but Holmes is committed to his work and can’t take a felony right now. He has too much riding on a promising career in fake journalism.

Holmes rushed back to Cici’s Pizza to find Mayor McHarland, still in costume, now joined by an attractive mistress named Bette and two adorable children, who were likely kidnapped through an underground trafficking ring.

After dinner, Holmes followed Mayor McHarland and his sham family to a home in North Murfreesboro, a perfect location for a wealthy white man to live a double life. That part of town is sorted into the rows of homes full of boring white people. A successful white man living a double life can just blend into the crowd.

Holmes watched through the windows of the home as Mayor McHarland tucked the kidnapped children into bed, setting a stuffed animal next to each child, as if that package of stuffing would somehow compensate for being ripped away from their biological family to live with this covert imposter.

Later that evening, in an act of moral depravity, Holmes observed Mayor McHarland enjoy marital privileges with his mistress, Bette. Holmes confirmed as much, in graphic detail, which prompted his editor to ask how long Holmes sat and watched the bedroom rodeo. Holmes was uncomfortable answering that question, but has been referred to appropriate therapy for treatment.

After several hours of watching this make-believe family, Holmes could take no more. He immediately returned to the Tribune Investigative Headquarters, located at the corner booth of the Waffle House on Middle Tennessee Boulevard, and reported his findings.

It does not make the Tribune proud to report on this moral tragedy. However, it is our duty to the community, as investigative journalists, to report on hard-hitting news.

At this time, the Murfreesboro Tribune calls on Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland to resign his position as Murfreesboro Mayor and issue a public apology for the false life that is known as Shawn McHarland.

Also, it would be nice if Mayor McHarland would return his mail-order bride to her loved ones and find a home for the two kids he abducted, who are probably on the side of the milk carton from which his real family drinks.

Walmart Supercenter to Open in Rutherford County Historic Courthouse

July 22, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Walmart announced plans on Friday to open a new Walmart Supercenter in the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse.

“We believe that Walmart will provide stability to the Public Square,” said Walmart Regional Manager John DeVries, “and an opportunity to bankrupt at least a half a dozen other mom and pop businesses in the surrounding area.”

The Murfreesboro City Council approved the proposed Walmart Supercenter at its regularly scheduled meeting on Thursday night.

“There’s a Walmart everywhere else in this town, so we figured why not put one on the Square,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland. “At this point, we pretty much just said f*** it— they can go where they want”

Conservative estimates place the proposed store as the twenty-seventh Walmart in Rutherford County, which has spurred explosive growth in check cashing outlets, liquor stores, and other luxury industries.

The Rutherford County Historic Courthouse was built in 1859 according to Wikipedia, which is about as far as this author can get right now after a few too many glasses of Chianti. But since when is it against the law to have a few drinks before work, you judgmental prick?

Initial plans indicate that the first floor will be home goods, the second floor will be food and groceries, and the third floor will remain closed to the public.

Walmart officials have been unable to locate anyone who has actually been to the third floor of the Historic Courthouse and, as a result, Walmart believes the third floor to be haunted.

For more information on Walmart’s continued expansion into the hearts and homes of Rutherford County, raise the issue at your family Thanksgiving Dinner or challenge one of the people sitting on a bench on the Public Square to a measured debate about capitalism. That would be one hell of a ride.

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