SOME TROPICAL PARADISE – According to the eight hundred and ninety-four social media posts, including two hundred and sixteen photos posted to Facebook, one hundred and thirty-two tweets, one hundred and fourteen Instagram photos, sixty-eight Snapchat stories, three check-ins on FourSquare (this is still a thing?!), and three hundred and sixty-one updates to an Instagram day, your friend is currently on vacation.

Your Friend’s Social Media Updates
Facebook Photos: 216
Tweets: 132
Instagram Photos: 114
Snapchat Story Updates: 68
FourSquare Check-Ins: 3
Instagram Day Updates: 361

“Just out here relaxing,” she wrote in post, somehow taking a picture while floating in the middle of the cruise ship pool.

“Wow, she must be really happy,” she said to herself, pretending that’s what her friends would think.

At the time of publication, it is unclear what is driving the social media frenzy. Possible sources include the inexplicable need to brag about your life on social media and other related causes, such as depression, loneliness, the need for emotional support from an internet provider, general instability, boredom, and keeping up with the Joneses on social media.

Happiness and contentment have been ruled out as contributing sources, as she may have put her damn phone down if she felt even a glimmer of either.

“It feels so good to unplug and relax!” she wrote in a follow-up post, while ironically forced to plug in her phone to provide power for continued social media updates.

UPDATE: she just posted seven more times. We cracked nine hundred!

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.