MURFREESBORO, TN – Renowned satirist, philanthropist, and philanderer Sam Clemens has a bold proposition for his followers and financial backers: a 39% increase in cocaine acquisition.

“When I set my annual budget this month, I started thinking about what I need in the coming year,” said Clemens, whose fiscal year begins June 7 each year because it’s a fake fiscal year for a fake newspaper. “The answer was pretty easy: more blow.”

Clemens made the announcement from his personal library, seated in front of a mound of cocaine that would make Scarface blush.

“Listen, I get that I could use the cocaine I already have,” Clemens added, frequently sniffling for no apparent reason. “But that’s not as fun. I’d rather blindly ask for 39% more and y’all can trust me– I’ll use it well.”

Clemens excused himself to tend to a nose bleed, during which the Tribune obtained a personal note from him, which read:

WHY I NEED 39% MORE

Growth

Parks

Think of the Children

SOCCER TOURNAMENTS

So Builders Won’t Have to Pay It

Upon Clemens return, he snatched the note away, coolly confirming that the 39% increase is all but a done deal.

“It’s the next big step,” Clemens quipped. “This place is booming!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.