MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s that time of year again! When local businesses bend over backwards, beg, borrow, steal, and threaten violence to your loved ones in exchange for a vote in an online popularity contest called The Ruthies.

Each year, the Daily Poo Journal, Rutherford County’s #1 soon-to-shut-down news source, hosts The Ruthies, an online voting competition that truly measures what local businesses will badger and harass friends and family most.

“It’s an honor to be nominated,” said Emily Leitner, who nominated herself. “To think that I took the time to type my own name into a nomination form. Just wow. So humbling.”

Leitner is one of many local businesses who use the Ruthies as an opportunity to keep in touch with friends and family by shamelessly asking for favors.

“I forgot it was August for a minute,” said Murfreesboro resident Jake Freeze. “But then my friend who is a physical therapist started blowing me up about voting for him and I knew it was Ruthies time again.”

Ruthies winners earn the distinct honor of receiving a plaque equal to or smaller than those earned by parks and recreation little league runners-up. Other accolades and advertising cost extra.

“It’s exciting,” said John Newcomb, who owns Pipsqueak Computers in Murfreesboro. “If we win, we get the chance to buy more promo materials and even some ad space. What a deal!”

Here at The Tribune, we applaud the Daily Poo Journal for its wit and creativity. After all, the Ruthies competition is likely the best that those junior college graduate ass hats could come up with. Try some real news, fellas.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.