MURFREESBORO, TN – With an unwavering sense of pride and ignoble confidence, local Smeagol High School English Teacher Ashley Crouch stated on Tuesday that the amount of money she will be “raking in” following a recent decision to become a Plexus Ambassador will “totally justify” the massive and irreparable damage to her reputation that such a move entails.
Plexus is a company that makes and advertises non-FDA approved weight loss supplements, which it sells through the use of Ambassadors—sales representatives who use coercion, shame, and white guilt to market the company’s merchandise under the false pretense of miraculous increases in health, while recruiting others to join them.
Crouch, an unmarried eight-year veteran of the Murfreesboro City School District, revealed in an exclusive interview with The Tribune that her hubric courage to become a pyramid-scheming franchisee slave came in the form of a recent breakthrough with her psychotherapist, Barbara Pearl.
“Barb has been telling me lately that most people don’t think nearly as much about us as we tend to think they do,” said Crouch, “so I don’t really see any harm in living life at the end of my comfort zone and putting good money toward my annual solo trip to Disneyworld”—a sentiment that her closest friends, colleagues, and family wholeheartedly reject.
“She’s still seeing Barb? Oh Jesus H. Vishnu,” said Amanda Crouch, Ashley’s mother. “I thought we’d convinced her to see another caregiver. I’ve told her over and over that Barbara Pearl isn’t even a therapist!”
A review of the Tennessee State Medical Boards revealed that Barbara Pearl is not a licensed mental health counselor. However, Pearl is the #1 Plexus Ambassador in Middle Tennessee.
“The most important thing for my patients is to understand that they have the power to fix themselves,” said Pearl. “They can fix themselves by selling my products to fix a leaky gut and making me some extra money.”
Bethany Amber, a fellow English teacher at Smeagol High School, summed up Crouch’s endeavor as “batshit insane,” adding that Crouch has created Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter accounts, along with giving Squarespace a five-year upfront payment for AshleyCrouchPlexusRocks.com.
“The fuck is she going to post?” Amber asked. “And who’s going to ‘like’ any of it?”
A review of Crouch’s social media accounts provided a sad picture. The most provocative posts show waning interest in the honorable field of education and increasing interest in selling Plexus through the oldest profession in the world.
“We try to discourage teachers from this kind of thing,” said City Schools Director Melinda Filbert. “Not only does it take away their focus, but also that of the entire school, because these companies pressure Ambassadors to send emails to everyone they work with, which ties up resources and attention.”
Filbert expressed frustration that Crouch continues to offer Plexus products to students, teachers, parents, coaches, teacher aides, tutors, after school childcare workers, janitors, cafeteria workers, and even a sprinkler system.
“I brought her into the office to give her a second verbal warning for Plexus solicitation,” said Filbert. “She then invited me to her home for a Plexus Party. I’m not sure I have any option but to fire her.”
Despite all of this, Crouch is resolute in her decision. At time of printing, her most recent Instagram post contained seven boxes of Plexus products on her front porch with the caption #plexus4lifebitches.
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