MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune has learned that a person once charged with murder, and widely believed to have committed that murder, has moved to town— and a whole lotta people on the internet are torn up about it. 

“This must be serious,” said one commenter. “I’ve never seen catty women senselessly ripping each other apart on the internet over trivial things.”

These good citizens want you to know that they are not ok with a bad person living here, despite the fact that this town is already full of people who routinely mistreat other people. Why not? Well, that depends. The comments are as unique as the commenters. 

“She did something bad!” Crystal Metheny commented. “We can’t have someone who has done bad things living here!” Ms. McEwen subsequently declined to comment on her four past extramarital affairs, two failed marriages, and two pending DUI charges. “This isn’t about me,” she snapped. “It’s about the bad person.”

“You can learn a lot about someone based on their past,” Natalie Bedord Forrest added. However, when asked about her own family past, which is littered with slavery, segregation, and racism, Hedley quickly pivoted. “The past doesn’t have to define you,” she added, nervously glancing around the room. “Except for this woman— she deserves every bit of hate she gets.”

At the time of press, social media users remain collectively sharpening their keyboard pitchforks, nestled comfortably within the confines of home internet but ready to throw rocks inside of a glass house. Once this story dies down, these folks will undoubtedly pivot to the next story that allows them to express faux outrage, never quite addressing the undercurrent of hate rippling through their everyday lives.

The Murfreesboro Tribune has confirmed that, while these commenters like to think that their words don’t stink, if you lean a little closer, those roses really smell like boo-boo-ooh. 

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.