MURFREESBORO, TN – According to witness statements collected from hundreds of people you know, the entire community, and possibly the entire nation, is deeply interested in your personal political views.

“I love it,” said your Aunt Jane. “When you get online and rant about a political candidate or decide to tell me I’m an idiot if I don’t agree with you, it is so refreshing!”

Statements mentioned a number of favorite parts of your political ramblings, including news stories, YouTube videos, unproven statistics, and unfounded allegations of racism and sexism.

“I am so proud of you,” said your Mother, who you called racist last week while in the midst of a Twitter meltdown. “You take a stand and refuse to back down, even if it means torching bridges with important people in your life.”

Your employer is also solidly behind you, noting that the company is thrilled to employ someone who shows zero restraint online, as if statements posted online can’t be linked back to your profile, which has your name, picture, city, and employer.

“It’s a bold strategy,” said your employer. “But we love to see our employees out there attacking people. It shows tenacity. And a general disregard for their own reputation.”

Keep it up. You are great and the world cares about your political views!