Tag: Go Vols

Mayor Gives UT Coach Key to City, Hopes to Have Division-I Athletics in Murfreesboro Some Day

October 30, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland presented University of Tennessee Baseball Coach Tony Vitello a “Key to the City” this week, representing a commitment from the City of Murfreesboro to support college athletics programs as long as those programs are like 150 miles east of here. 

“The University of Tennessee has had a wildly successful run” said Mayor McHarland. “My hope is that some day we may have a Division-I athletics program here in Rutherford County.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we hit the street to see how our citizens responded to the news, as we return to our #FromTheStreet coverage.

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“I think it’s great! I mean sure, this place is like ten counties over, but it’s a state school! Our tax dollars support it! Well, not property tax or anything, but maybe sales tax on all that Vols shit at Walmart?”

– Brenda AllVol, Salt Life Ambassador

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“This is so insulting. How can he overlook Motlow like that?”

– Mikayla Hatfield, MTSU Student

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“I think it’s important to take this opportunity to share what we have going on at Middle—“

– Chris Bajardo, MTSU Athletics Director 

EDITOR’S NOTE: The quote from Director Bajardo is incomplete. Honestly the author of this article just tuned the f*** out mid-sentence. We still have no idea what is happening at that school.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Fans Prepare for “Be a Vol” Monday: Just Won’t Show Up

September 2, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – University of Tennessee fans throughout Middle Tennessee are gearing up for “Be a Vol” Monday, which allows UT Fans of all shapes and stripes to live a day like a True Tennessee Volunteer. Tomorrow, “Be a Vol” Monday will feature the most prominent performance from this past weekend: like a True Tennessee Volunteer against West Virginia, UT Fans simply won’t show up.

“We decided that the best thing we can do for ‘Be a Vol’ Monday tomorrow is to reenact an authentic Tennessee performance,” said Phil Volman, President of the University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee. “And what better way to reenact the game against West Virginia than to just not show up?”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Sports Report informed Volman that the Volunteers actually did appear at the West Virginia game this past weekend, but Volman refused to agree.

“You kidding me?” Volman added. “Did you watch the same game I watched?”

Tennessee fans who want to take part in “Be a Vol” Monday are encouraged to follow the guidelines below.

“BE A VOL” MONDAY
RULES AND REGULATIONS
SEPTEMBER 3, 2018

1. Don’t Show Up.
This week, to truly be a Vol, don’t show up. Don’t even pretend to show up. We don’t care if you’re getting beat by three scores. Just keep mailing it in. We have to make this authentic guys, so don’t even take the risk of showing up.

2. If You Do Show Up, Don’t Try.
This is critical. If you somehow mistakenly end up on the field, don’t try. Like at all. Let your co-workers run laps around you, don’t try and complete even the most basic job functions, send the message to your supporters that this week doesn’t really matter. I mean, just really put on your “f*** this job” face.

3. Remain Insistent that the University of Tennessee Will Win the National Championship.
Because how can we be Vols fans if we aren’t naming ourselves a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” every year? Duh.

The University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee reiterated the excitement of returning to action next weekend against East Tennessee State, who didn’t even have a football program five years ago.

“Can’t wait to get back on track to that National Championship,” said Volman. “Go Vols!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Prepares for Annual Tradition of Ignoring MTSU Athletics

August 15, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become a treasured pastime in Rutherford County, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced Wednesday that the City of Murfreesboro has started preparations for the 2018 season of fully and comprehensively ignoring MTSU Athletics.

“It’s that time of year again,” said Mayor McHarland to those gathered at a mid-morning press conference, holding back a smile. ” We can gather our loved ones and plan activities as if the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders simply do not exist.”

Mayor McHarland retrieved the Murfreesboro City Charter, kept in the mayor’s personal safe behind a stack of cash and a pile of unidentified white powder. The Charter incorporated the City of Murfreesboro in 1817 and included the mission behind ignoring MTSU Athletics.

Every size of citizen that we can measure
knows that ignoring MTSU is a time that we must treasure.

Murfreesboro City Charter, Paragraph 13

The crowd gathered for the press conference echoed Mayor McHarland and Councilman Shade, frequently yelling horrific obscenities such as “Roll Tide!” “War Eagle!” “Geaux Tigers!” and “Go Vols!” Despite such evidence of public indecency, no arrests have been made at this time.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders will participate in the 2018-2019 NCAA Football Season and NCAA Basketball Season. However, research has also confirmed, based upon the number of obnoxious social media posts made exclusively by fans of the University of Tennessee and the University of Alabama, that this city is once again primed to not give a single shit about Blue Raider Athletics.

“It’s a magical time of year,” said McHarland, in closing. “Cherish this time with your families and, before we know it, this season will pass and we will be ready to cheer on Kentucky Basketball.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at[email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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