Tag: Bob Darnold

Ex-Sheriff Bob Darnold Sent to 5-Star Hotel to Serve Prison Sentence

July 31, 2017 /

CLUB FED ALL-INCLUSIVE, BAHAMAS – As reported by local news affiliates that we steal stuff from, Ex-Sheriff and convicted felon Bob Darnold has been moved to a minimum security federal prison in the Caribbean called “Club Fed” following complaints by his mother that jail is hard.

The Murfreesboro Tribune sent Female Reporter Nell E. Bly undercover to the five-star resort prison to find the truth about the harshness of federal prison.

“Club Fed was a lot like Orange is the New Black, but without the hot lesbian action,” said Bly upon her return, seated comfortably wearing a crocheted Afghan with her skin glowing from a tan and her hair in small braids.

Darnold pled guilty earlier this year to charges of running a nicotine-based drug ring at the county jail. He was sentenced to four years in prison and ordered to pay $2.00 in restitution.

Earlier this year, Darnold’s mother, Jeanette Keyeez, complained to prison officials that her son, a federal prisoner, was actually being treated like a federal prisoner.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” Keyeez wrote back in January, as if prison should take place in a Caribbean paradise.

Well now, after much hard work from Keyeez, and after the federal authorities realized that Darnold didn’t commit a violent offense, such as murder or selling some weed out of the back of your truck, Darnold is spending his prison time in Club Fed, an actual Caribbean paradise.

“The club has a music room, pool tables, a fitness center and even a nude beach where prisoners can relax and work on their tans,” Bly reported. “The only thing that made it look like a jail was the razor wire and sharks guarding the lagoon.”

“But it looks more like a golf course or a country club with its manicured lawns than a prison,” Bly added, which stands in stark contrast to the bread-and-water, mold-filled, windowless, brick- block monstrosity where jailed inmates are held in Rutherford County.

Thanks to federal sentencing guidelines, which make an awful lot of sense, Darnold could be out as early as next month for good behavior. But as nice as this prison is, he might want to stay there as long as possible.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].

Sheriff Darnold’s Mother Upset That Jail is Actually a Jail

January 4, 2017 /

PRISONTOWN, KY – In news that surprises absolutely no one, Jeanette Keyeez, Sheriff Bob Darnold’s mother, is pretty upset that her son, who is being held in jail awaiting trial, is being treated like he is being held in jail.

Keyeez wrote a letter to the judge presiding over Darnold’s case, as if the judge hadn’t considered that Darnold’s mother might be upset when Darnold was sent to be held in a federal prison.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” wrote Sheriff Darnold’s Mother, seemingly unaware that her son’s day job prior to hawking e-cigs and playing knockaround with his wife was to hold inmates in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot square room for more than 80 days.

Keyeez wrote further that Darnold has not been able to watch television, eat ramen noodles, popcorn, candy, and soft drinks, or talk to the guards because the guards “don’t have time to talk.”

This is real life, boys and girls.

Here at The Tribune, we imagine that Keyeez likely took issue with several other policies at the Grayson County Detention Center, including:

  • The mini bar is not fully stocked.
  • The jail has no in-house shoe shine service
  • There is no free wifi
  • Inmates are forced to listen to Pandora with commercials
  • The Prison Mart only has red skittles, not Darnold’s preferred purple skittles
  • Several guards continue to discuss Game of Thrones spoilers without discipline

Just in case you were worried that Darnold would not receive the protection he deserves, Keyeez went ahead and took this thing to the top:

The Tribune has reached out to the entire federal government listed above, but has not received a response.

In related news, Vice President Biden was pretty upset to not receive a copy of the letter.

Sheriff Secures New Rent-Free Office as Inmate at Local Jail

September 28, 2016 /

NASHVILLE, TN – After years of hard work, Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold has moved his work station to the Davidson County Jail, securing a rent-free office as an inmate being held against his will.

Darnold has spent years working to obtain a rent-free jail cell, using such methods as the repeated commission of flagrant and public misconduct. Initially, Darnold simply allowed his officers to act inappropriately. However, Darnold soon realized that he would have to blend public corruption and private incompetency if he wanted to lock down a rent-free office in a local jail cell.

“The office of County Sheriff has a number of administrative functions,” Darnold told the media Wednesday, reading off a card to make sure he pronounces the big words right. “One part of my job is a budget, and I’ll tell you that moving my office to the jail will save this county some money.”

Darnold tried to move his office in May of this year after being indicted in federal court for fourteen counts of some pretty obvious criminal conduct. However, some do-gooder posted a bond so that he could not unpack in the jail. Now, after Darnold and his wife played truth or dare with a purple nurple double dare, a judge has finally seen enough and said that he should go to jail like any normal person in his same position would be forced to do.

“It’s a bold strategy to move his office to the jail,” said Murfreesboro resident John Doe, a Darnold supporter who was too embarrassed to release his true identity. “But Bob has made a habit of good decisions, as long as you don’t count the decisions that other people can see.”

Darnold’s new office is six feet wide and eight feet deep, with a rustic steel door and room for a small milk crate desk. The office also features a private restroom where others can just stand nearby and watch you poop.

While the office lacks natural light, there is alternate lighting available, which provides enough of a faint glow to remind those who use the office that it also serves as the jailhouse library and a place where dreams go to die.

The public reaction to the move has received a mixed response from the public. Some noted the reduced cost at the Davidson County Jail. Others pointed out that this man likely a fucking criminal so why the fuck are we still paying him a salary to be in jail?

Darnold informed the media that he intends to move the remainder of the Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office into the C-Block, where he is currently housed. When reached for comment, Sheriff’s Office employees said “Fuck Off, Bob! If you got a problem, come get us! Oh, that’s right. You can’t!”

Bob Darnold

Likely Felon Bob Darnold Just Keeps Acting Like Nothing Happened

June 30, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – Rutherford County Constable and likely future felon Bob Darnold reported to work on Thursday whistling his favorite Nickelback jam, seemingly unaware of an impending federal criminal trial that is poised to strip Darnold of his most basic civil liberties.

“I’m not really sure what the big deal is,” said Darnold, who, in just a mere matter of months, will no longer be able to even sit for jury duty. “I think everyone will just forget about all this stuff if I pretend like it never happened.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department arrested Darnold in May, capping a months-long investigation into what some have called the most obvious criminal conduct since Tony “Scooter” Jackson drunkenly drove a carnival bumper car down Broad Street during rush hour.

Darnold, who will be ineligible to vote, even for himself, after his upcoming felony convictions, has appeared inexplicably confident in his continued employment, despite a titanic amount of evidence of flagrant official misconduct.

“The voters of this county trust me to do my job,” Darnold lied to himself, resting his hand on his firearm, which federal law will soon prevent him from possessing.

“I’m going to continue working because I’d hate for the taxpayers to pay my salary for nothing,” he added, glossing over the past six years, during which the taxpayers paid his salary for absolutely nothing.

The trial for Darnold is currently set for August 2, which leaves Darnold a touch under five weeks until federal law permanently bans him from voting, sitting on a jury, possessing a firearm, or serving in the Armed Forces, among other penalties.

Darnold declined to comment further, saying he needed to attend the County Commission meeting to personally witness the Commission further cut his resources in an effort to limit the amount of damage that he can inflict upon the county prior to his conviction and removal from office.

Constable Bob Darnold

Man Who Didn’t Follow Law Will Not Resign as Law Following Enforcer

May 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Embattled Rutherford County Constable Bob Darnold issued a message to his lone supporter on Monday, emphasizing that he has no intention of resigning his position in crime prevention.

“I want to thank my supporter,” said Darnold. “And by that I mean the one person out there who still has faith in me to do this job. I don’t know his name, but there’s gotta be at least one out there, right?”

Darnold was indicted on Friday, May 27, 2016, on thirteen charges, including bribery, extortion, and selecting a haircut with reckless disregard for male pattern baldness.

Darnold oversees the Rutherford County Constables Division, the largest law enforcement agency in Rutherford County. Through extensive investigation, the Tribune Investigative Team discovered that one of the tasks assigned to the Rutherford County Constables Division is crime prevention.

Merriam-Webster defines “crime” as:

An act or the commission of an act that is forbidden or the omission of a duty that is commanded by a public law and that makes the offender liable to punishment by that law.

Having been alive for more than seven months, the Tribune Investigative Team can safely conclude that Constable Darnold committed some pretty serious Merriam-Websters in the not-so-distant past.

A spokesman for Rutherford County declined to comment on how in the name of Sam Hill the same person can sit under federal indictment but approve the arrest of that random black kid for having a quarter ounce of weed in his pocket.

The Tribune Investigative Team further researched how a person can both commit crimes and prevent crimes at the same time. After hours of experimental drug use, followed by some attempted citizen arrests for minor traffic infractions, the Investigative Team found that committing crime without any consequence is pretty great. Thumbs up, Constable Darnold!

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