The Murfreesboro Tribune

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Report: It’s January 2nd and 80% of New Year Resolutions Already Blown

January 2, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a Report released by the Middle Tennessee State Department of Watching People Lie to Themselves, over eighty percent of New Year Resolutions have already erupted into violent flame, leaving behind a trail of unused gym memberships, dust-covered Bow Flex Machines, and half-eaten peanut butter cartons.

“It’s about that time of year where we start to see people lose some serious progress,” said Dr. Michael Weir, acting as if the goals that have already been abandoned weren’t set less than forty-eight hours before his interview.

Dr. Weir’s research project, which produced the Let’s See How Unreasonable People Can Be Report, identified at least three types of New Year Resolutions that have fallen the quickest in 2017: eat better; exercise; and stop smoking.

To determine how many people have already abandoned ship on these unrealistic goals, the LSHUPCB Research Team utilized sophisticated research methods, which included: approaching strangers outside of bars, following people around the local gym, and yelling at people in the ice cream aisle at Kroger.

“The idea for the project came to me when I found a young woman outside of a local gym, crying uncontrollably and chain smoking a pack of Pall Malls,” said Dr. Weir.

After the woman got up and ran to her car, Dr. Weir found a crumpled up piece of paper next to where she had been sitting that read:

AMY’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

  1. Go to the gym every day— EASY!
  2. Stop eating all fast food— it’s not good for you!
  3. Stop smoking— it’s New Year’s and you got this!

Dr. Weir found her in the parking lot at 10:00 a.m. on New Year’s Day, merely hours into a yearlong quest for health that only had a chance of success because of the selection of an arbitrary and inspirational start date.

“She never actually went into the gym,” noted Dr. Weirs. “Instead, she walked into a nearby Captain D’s.”

The LSHUPCB Report is available for pickup at nearby gyms and crossfit facilities, to ensure that no one who has already abandoned their resolutions would ever see a copy and get their feelings hurt.

You’re Hung Over After Christmas, But At Least Your Family Is Gone

December 26, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s December 26th, the day after Christmas, and you had one too many a hot toddy last night to be waking up this damn early.

Your spouse is still asleep because his family didn’t come into town for the holidays and he is resting peacefully without the annoyance of family drama bouncing around in his head.

Your kids are awake and playing with toys because oh-my-God that’s all they do.

And you? You’re reliving the hangovers of your younger days, making sure not to move your head, or it may not stop spinning, and physically feeling every drop of whiskey that is coursing through your veins and bouncing around in your tummy.

Every other day of the year, this would be the worst morning in history. You can’t sleep, your spouse can, you feel like your spent the night drinking forties and smoking Pall Malls, and your kids won’t shut the hell up.

But no matter how bad today may be, you can lay your head back down in peace knowing one thing: your family is gone.

To where? Who cares? They’re not in your house anymore.

So wake up, pour a bloody Mary, and get to work reassembling your house. You can throw out Uncle Jerry’s spittoon and your nephew’s food plate that he refused to throw away even after your sister told him to (that little shit).

Merry Christmas from The Murfreesboro Tribune!

Trump’s America: Hardware Store to Hold “Whites Only” Sale

December 21, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A Murfreesboro True Value hardware store is the subject of both flared tempers and uneasy national pride following its owner’s decision to host a “Whites Only” Holiday Paint Sale.

Holiday shoppers in search of deals in various Murfreesboro news outlets were shocked at the appearance of the ad, which stated:

“Come and Support True Value This Holiday Season! Whites Only—No Blacks, Browns, or Yellows!”

Dave Arian, who owns Arian Family Hardware, insists that the sale has nothing to do with race, but the community knows better.

“My simple misunderstanding over back stock is not a damn appeal to white supremacy,” Arian lied through his teeth. “In April, I ordered seventy different shades of white pantone and it didn’t sell, so I took out some ads this week.”

Arian Family Hardware has seen a 250% increase in its foot traffic since the sale was announced, as well as a 500% increase in protests.

Less than forty-eight hours after the sale was announced, every drop of paint, along with hammer, nail, wrench, and nut, was sold. However, the store was quickly filled with volunteers from the Southern Poverty Law Center and the American Civil Liberties Union.

Associates from the SPLC and ACLU, who have had makeshift field offices in Murfreesboro since 2009, when arsonists set fire to a local Islamic Center, have pointed out that that the ad was incredibly effective due to one simple omission: the word “paint.”

“Why did this man leave the word ‘Paint’ out of the ad if he wasn’t trying to appeal to racial hatred?” asked SPLC Field Director John White-Guilt. “We think it is pretty clear that this is a racist business that must be stopped.”

“Excuse me for not being some Mr. Billy Wigglestick Shakespeare,” said Arian, asked for comment on the omission. “Or that damn Edgar Allan Poe.”

At press time, local activists on one side of Broad Street were setting up a “True Values Matter” picket line in support of the store as an opposition group distributed placards with the message “Whitewashing hurts our feelings” stamped in red ink.

This story is developing.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Elderly Facebook User Increasingly Suspicious of Fake News Site

December 12, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Eighty-two year old Eunice Mays, described as “an avid lover of crossword puzzles,” recently joined the social networking website Facebook and may be receiving more than she bargained for.

According to family and friends, Mays is increasingly upset by offensive and outlandish content posted by her twenty-nine year old grandson, Jake Mays, much of which stems from some newspaper called The Murfreesboro Tribune.

Jake recently shared an article titled “Report: All Racism and Crime Now Donald Trump’s Fault.” A Report in the article says that Donald Trump caused all racism and Eunice knows that what the article says just isn’t true! She has been using racial slurs for a solid eighty years!

“We are a little concerned about mom,” said Tim Mays, Eunice’s son and Jake’s father. “I’ve noticed that she is posting some aggressive comments on Jake’s posts. They seem to get her a little worked up.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered multiple Facebook comments from Eunice Mays, in which she expresses skepticism about the Murfreesboro Tribune.

In one such comment, Eunice called the Murfreesboro Tribune “The Devil’s Newsletter” and repeatedly warned her grandson that the newspaper isn’t real.

“I’m not sure if this is real,” Eunice commented on an article titled “Murfreesboro Mayor: Share This Post or the City Will Execute a Puppy.”

She wrote extensively about her love for puppies, adding “I just don’t think Shane McFarland would do that!”

The Murfreesboro Tribune reached out to Eunice for comment, but she refused to speak, saying that she isn’t sure if we are real or not.

CVS Lot Sells for $4M, or 578,428 Bottles of Sudafed to Make Meth

December 7, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to local property tax records, the lot containing the CVS Pharmacy on Southeast Broad Street has been purchased for $4 million dollars.

When asked, most regulars at CVS were surprised to learn of the sale price, commenting about how much cough medicine they could buy at that price. Apparently, most folks shopping at CVS suffer from severe sinus congestion.

To find out what the community thinks of the recent sale, Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about the CVS Lot selling for $4 Million?

from-the-street-20
“I finally drank enough $2 High Life tallboys at the Wagon Wheel for Shirley and the boys to expand?”
Axel “Gearhead” Grimes, Local Hell’s Angel

 

from-the-street-23
“$4 million? That’s cute. Call me on when they sell to Fred’s for $66 Million. I’ll be on my private island.”
Dick Sain, Former Pharmacist and Milkshake Salesman

from-the-street-21“That’s a good price. A lot over in the Clinton-voting section of town would never sell for that much.”
Fluffy Hiddleston-Wasp, Mirabella HOA President

from-the-street-22“Do pharmacies have those going-out-of-business sales like other stores? I need to get my hands on 1,000 Sudafed tabs for my shake-and-bake, uh, allergies.”
Tweaker Adams, Local Chef and Amateur Pharmacist

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

UT Loses to Vanderbilt, Now Declares Itself “Champions of Yahtzee”

November 28, 2016 /

NASHVILLE, TN – The Vanderbilt Commodores defeated the Tennessee Volunteers on Saturday by a final score of 45-34. However, the most significant news story of the evening involved Head Coach Butch Jones, the Game of Life, and some self-created superlatives.

Last Monday, Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones started a firestorm when he told the media that, while the Volunteers have massively underperformed this season, his players “won the biggest championship– that’s the championship of life.”

When we talked about winning championships. They’re a champion. They’ve won the biggest championship— and that’s the championship of life.  Butch Jones, November 21, 2016.

In the days that followed, it became immensely clear that, instead of studying game film or practicing or preparing or doing football things or justifying his coaching salary in any way, Coach Jones had the Tennessee Volunteers playing hours upon hours of The Game of Life.

After the loss to Vanderbilt, Jones has made another monumental announcement, possibly putting Tennessee in position to play board games better than any senior center or ladies group in the entire Southeastern United States.

“These kids have fought so hard this season, and I’m damn proud of them,” said Jones. “They’ve worked hard enough to be more than the Champions of Life. They are now the Champions of Yahtzee.”

For his part, Jones seemed inexplicably pleased to rule the world in a game designed for eight year olds.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Board Game Research Bureau spent hours locked in a room with one box of Yahtzee and a whole lot of weed and we can confirm that this game is pretty damn easy.

Man Stabbed on Black Friday Over $3 Toaster: “Totally Worth it”

November 25, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A fight erupted at the Old Fort Parkway Walmart early Friday morning over a flash sale of low-quality off-brand toasters. During the fight, 46-year-old Jack Kerowitz got his hands on a toaster, but was stabbed twice in abdomen. According to Kerowitz, he came out a winner.

“I’m just excited to have got such a good deal,” said Kerowitz while strapped to an ambulance gurney, still bleeding from his stomach. “These things are normally ten dollars, and I got it for less than five!”

Walmart Security was unable to identify the perpetrator who stabbed Kerowitz in the stomach, but store employees have created a list of suspects, which includes Kerowitz’s own wife, who appeared upset at missing out on the toaster deal.

“I don’t really have nothing to say,” said Melanie Kerowitz, Jack’s wife, while she conspicuously folded a pocket knife and slid it into her purse. “I’m pretty upset I didn’t get a toaster and now I have to hear it from Jack that he got one and I didn’t.”

St. Thomas Rutherford confirmed that Jack Kerowitz was admitted to the hospital early Friday morning with non-life-threatening injuries and that he remains there, but declined to comment further, citing medical confidentiality.

Despite the hospital being jackasses about it, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team reached Kerowitz later Friday morning and he seemed to be in high spirits.

“You ever had soft bread before?” Kerowitz asked. “I don’t have to deal with that shit anymore. I’ll be here a couple days to get patched up, but this was totally worth it.”

Thanksgiving Facebook Post Cleverly Disguises Doomed Relationship

November 21, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – If Wendy Evans and her boyfriend, Jason Riker, are having relationship problems, social media won’t know about it thanks to a Facebook post from Evans, which informed the world that the two are deeply, madly, and forever in love.

On Monday, Evans posted the following on Facebook, apparently related to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, which convinced the entire Facebook universe that Evans and Riker have the perfect relationship:

wendy-evans

According to reports from friends and family, the relationship between Evans and Riker has been on the rocks for about three years now, resulting in six broken engagements, three police calls, and frequent emotionally panicked calls to friends and family members.

Thanks to the Thanksgiving Facebook post by Evans, friends and family of both Evans and Riker believe that the entire relationship has fixed itself and that nothing is wrong.

“There’s no way that two people who hate each other could post such a nice thing on Facebook,” said Cindy King, Wendy’s mother. “I mean, look at that post! These two are so in love.”

“Makes sense,” said Ken Evans, Wendy’s father. “I know the two were fighting the day before the post and about three minutes after the post, but now we know it’s all perfect.”

Wendy was last seen at a coffee shop with three friends, unleashing on the friends about all of Jason’s bad habits and how she needs to leave him right now.

This story is developing.

Sheriff Darnold Suspended, Can Now Focus 100% on Jail Shank Whittling

November 14, 2016 /

PRISONVILLE, KY – A federal judge ruled Monday that embattled Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold will be suspended from his position without pay, effective immediately, which paves the way for Darnold to focus on his newly-acquired prison career: shank whittling.

Darnold has been incarcerated in federal prison in Kentucky for several weeks now, during which time the taxpayers in Tennessee have continued to pay his salary.

While being paid full salary, Darnold lived the life of an inmate, spending time in the rec yard, rolling cigarettes with the homies, and, most importantly, whittling fashionable-but-affordable prison shanks.

Now that a federal judge has removed Darnold from any job responsibilities related to law enforcement, which he hadn’t really been doing anyways, Darnold can focus solely on his budding shank empire. According to insider sources and current friends in prison, the average prison shank sells for two cartons of cigarettes or six days of hired protection.

“It’s a great day for the taxpayers of Tennessee,” said some nameless attorney who represented some nosy taxpayers. “We can now move forward in this case with peace of mind that Sheriff Darnold is handling only prison sales.”

“Let me clarify,” said attorney-lady, quickly recognizing that her words may be confusing. “He can focus on prison sales of shanks, not e-cigarettes.”

Sheriff Darnold seemed relieved at the ruling, as if suddenly liberated from the mindless tasks of operating one of the largest employers in Rutherford County and instantly allowed to devote his full attention to his passion for stabby jail things.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was unable to reach Sheriff Darnold for comment. He was last spotted filling out Mad Libs in his jail cell.

Social Media Genuinely Interested in Your Political Views

November 14, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to witness statements collected from hundreds of people you know, the entire community, and possibly the entire nation, is deeply interested in your personal political views.

“I love it,” said your Aunt Jane. “When you get online and rant about a political candidate or decide to tell me I’m an idiot if I don’t agree with you, it is so refreshing!”

Statements mentioned a number of favorite parts of your political ramblings, including news stories, YouTube videos, unproven statistics, and unfounded allegations of racism and sexism.

“I am so proud of you,” said your Mother, who you called racist last week while in the midst of a Twitter meltdown. “You take a stand and refuse to back down, even if it means torching bridges with important people in your life.”

Your employer is also solidly behind you, noting that the company is thrilled to employ someone who shows zero restraint online, as if statements posted online can’t be linked back to your profile, which has your name, picture, city, and employer.

“It’s a bold strategy,” said your employer. “But we love to see our employees out there attacking people. It shows tenacity. And a general disregard for their own reputation.”

Keep it up. You are great and the world cares about your political views!

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