The Murfreesboro Tribune

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Town Home Builders Propose Agent Orange, Napalm for Oaklands

June 1, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last month, much to the dismay of conservationists and several nearby bitchy residents, a home builder proposed ninety-one town homes to be built near the Oaklands Mansion and nearby wetlands on North Highland Avenue.

The plan to build townhomes in close proximity to the Oaklands Mansion and the wetlands near Sinking Creek drew immediate criticism from at least seven citizens, who took loudly to social media and didn’t have much else to do but complain on Facebook and Twitter.

In the past few weeks, if you have witnessed the frenzy on social media, you may have learned that a land developer plans to drop at least three payloads of Agent Orange, Napalm, and other biological weapons of ecological destruction on the site of a proposed town home site.

On Thursday, protesters provided leaked documents to the Tribune, drawn up on the back of a Cookout napkin, which set out the first phase of construction: complete and utter desolation of every living thing in the Oaklands Wetlands, using only the most toxic, transmutable, and offensive chemical agents known to man.

“This is exactly what we expected,” said some lady in Birkenstocks. “It is now clear that these land developers just want to rape mother nature and murder our plant life.”

“It’s almost as if these people are trying to just make money or build nice new things,” this likely herbal tea drinker added. “Did anyone stop to think about the willows that grow near the creek?”

ParksLambSwansonMurfreeCorp, the company responsible for site development, declined to comment, instead asking who we were and why we were peeking over the bathroom stall.

This story is developing (pun intended thank you).

MTSU Adds “Apartment Shooting Simulator” to CUSTOMS Student Orientation

May 30, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Calling apartment shootings “a large part of the fabric that holds this community together,” James Deal, Assistant Dean of Student Affairs at Middle Tennessee State University, announced that incoming freshman would take part in an apartment shooting simulator during CUSTOMS student orientation in the fall.

In recent months, Murfreesboro has seen a sharp increase in violent shootings, highlighted by recent shootings at apartment complexes near MTSU, such as Student Quarters and Gateway Apartments.

“Every year, people pay thousands of dollars for entertainment that is exciting, riveting, and sometimes frightening,” noted Assistant Dean Deal. “The rampant shootings at low-cost campus housing give our students all of that excitement without the exorbitant price tag.”

According to Deal, every shooting incident allows the residents of an apartment complex that is fortunate enough to be riddled with bullets to enjoy a trip outside under the stars, a community of friends also forced out of their homes, and a lights show from local police, fire, and emergency services. On some evenings, this traumatic experience may also include the mystery of whether your loved one will survive or not.

In the Apartment Shooting Simulator, incoming students are invited into a dark room and allowed enough time to fall asleep peacefully and naturally. After a short time asleep, participants are suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by gunfire and forced into a cold parking lot in the middle of the night.

“It’s a great way for students to get to know each other,” said Deal, who pioneered the program, “and a great way for students to get to know Murfreesboro, the lovable college town that just keeps on shooting.”

The Tribune reached Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland for comment, who emphasized that local elected officials are taking this matter very seriously and are going to have meetings to discuss potential resolutions, such as wagging fingers at bad actors and outlawing violent crime.

Report: Woman Turns Blinker On While Waiting to Buy Gas, Means Business

May 8, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to several witnesses, a Rutherford County woman waiting to fill up her gas tank at Dodge’s Store has now turned her blinker on to make sure everyone at the service station know she means business.

“I wasn’t really sure if she was here to cash a check or buy Fried Chicken and Jojos,” said Hugo Chavez, 25, who arrived only five minutes earlier. “But as soon as I saw that she’d turned on her blinker and put her car into park less than two feet from my rear bumper, I put two and two together.”

Chavez was one of a number of Dodge’s patrons awestruck by the cold, no-nonsense approach to purchasing fuel.

“I don’t get any of this,” said Heather Jarvis, 31. “Look at Angela Merkel over there buying gas at 9:30 on a Monday night and acting like we’re in the middle of a Carter-Era energy crisis.”

The most disturbing report of the incident, however, comes from the mysterious ice queen’s actions right after Chavez left the Dodge’s parking lot.

“After the guy in front of her drove off, she started the pump and then went and sat quietly in her car with the blinker still on,” said Nellie Stanwyck, 21. “That surprised me because it didn’t seem to bother her. It was crazy. She wasn’t even scrolling through her phone. She just sat there, like a psychopath.”

Stanwyck later saw where the mysterious gas lady’s phone was located.

“It was in her trunk if you can believe it,” said a visibly disturbed Stanwyck. “I know my head would have f***ing exploded from the noise. ”

At press time, the woman had finished her task and pulled out onto Broad Street, her blinker still on, apparently headed to austerity vote about which reasonably-priced entree she was going to choose at Demos’ that night.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Murfreesboro Tribune Welcomes Diversity Hire Nell E. Bly

May 1, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune is both proud and obligated by federal law to welcome Investigative Journalist Nell E. Bly to the sexiest news establishment in Middle Tennessee. The Investigative Journalist job duties include being pretty, fetching coffee, interviewing coaches at halftime, and and going undercover when necessary to see the inner workings of businesses and organizations that may be up to no good.

Bly, who was hired voluntarily, and not to avoid a lawsuit against what appears to be a bunch of white men writing angry news, brings a blend of creativity, sex appeal, and a willingness to handle news assignments that the men here don’t want to touch.

Bly took part in a Q&A with Managing Editor Sam Clemens because if she didn’t she was fired. Get to know her and welcome her to the crew.

Q&A with Nell E. Bly, Investigative/Girl Journalist

Welcome to the Tribune, Nell! What is your hometown?
Pittsburgh, PA.

Why did you become a reporter?
It was completely by accident. I read a column in a newspaper about how women should just stay where they belong, in the kitchen and the bedroom. I think Donald Trump wrote it. Or maybe it was a Rutherford Rant by famed journalist Scott Broden. I wrote a response to the column and the newspaper’s editor offered me a job. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I accepted. Over the years, I discovered I like dressing up, pretending to be other people and writing about it. That’s what led me to become a crack girl reporter.

You don’t look like most crack girls I hang out with on Friday nights. Why is that?
[Blank Stare]

How are you different from other reporters at the Tribune?
Well, I’m a girl for one. Sam Clemens wouldn’t know what to do with a girl if one fell on him. But that Eddie Poe, he’s a looker. I’m also smarter and better than they are.

[Short break for old-style fisticuffs]

What is the best thing you have ever done?
It’s a close tie between traveling the globe in seventy-two hours, pretending to be crazy to gain entrance to an insane asylum, and writing for the Murfreesboro Tribune. I’m looking forward to uncovering lies and the lying lairs who lie and exposing fake new across Murfreesboro.

How do you spend your free time?
Rooting out unregistered sex offenders by day and pounding gash by night.

What’s your idea of a perfect date?
That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot, not too cold; all you need is a light jacket.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?
An eggplant. Definitely an eggplant.

Report: He Went to Jared (and a Strip Club)

April 25, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to Murfreesboro resident Victoria Sharpe, a recent bachelor party trip by her boyfriend to Nashville’s Déjà Vu Gentlemen’s Club has yielded a mysterious gift from the jewelry store Jared, which is totally not an attempted apology.

“I’m not really sure what to make of it,” Sharpe said in response to receiving a box containing a Colors-In-Rhythm necklace from her partner Dave Haggard shortly after he had visited a building full of nude and semi-nude women , “But I feel like something horrible happened.”

Reached by phone from Murfreesboro Tribune Headquarters, located in the atomic bomb shelter below the former First Methodist Church building just off of the Murfreesboro Square, Haggard proffered that the gift was for the couple’s anniversary, which Sharpe had forgotten.

“She’s just mad because she didn’t remember our two-year anniversary,” said Haggard, glossing over the fact that he had been paying women to take their clothes off shortly before buying the gift. “Besides, the [wedding] crew was only at Déjà Vu for an hour because the entire place smelled like a combination of Avon Rebel Rose perfume and utter despair. I just took the hundred bucks that I had leftover and bought her a nice gift with our birthstones in it.”

“Then he should have done a better job of remembering our birthstones for the necklace,” Victoria shot back (because it’s just a like a woman to remember these things, right?) “I’ve told him a thousand times that my birthstone is peridot, not spinel; he should have chosen opal instead of tourmaline.”

Upon hearing Sharpe’s response, Haggard rolled his eyes and noted, “I’ll bet O. Henry is rolling over in his grave right now—I gave her a nice gift and she’s giving me shit.”

We’re Back: Poe Returns from Lavish Vacation with Your Exes

April 20, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe, writing about himself in the third person, confirmed Thursday that The Tribune, the only Rutherford County news publication you actually enjoy reading, is back from a long overdue and insufficiently restful vacation with not one—but two—of your former girlfriends.

“Facebook decided to put us on forced leave without adhering to the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993,” noted Poe. “Sam and I decided to enjoy our break by taking your former girlfriends on a whirlwind trip to Bali, Iceland, Prague, and Denver.”

For the past three months, The Tribune has been bogged down in a media battle as part of Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to disentangle his social network from the fake news debacle that allowed Donald Trump to become elected president and Vladimir Putin to become de facto POTUS.

During the battle, Poe and Clemens decided to take your girlfriends for the ride of their lives, through several romantic and tropical destinations.

“They were amazing,” said Poe. “And I’m not talking about the cities we visited.”

When pressed for details, Clemens was notably more tight-lipped than Poe, which is more than we can say about your exes, who both cited a long dissatisfaction with your performance at work and in the bedroom as their reasons for quitting their jobs to romp around the globe.

The Tribune has confirmed that both of your exes currently recovering from sexual exhaustion at Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital. Make sure to plan your visit on a Tuesday or Thursday if you decide to go, because if we run into each other it would be awkward for everyone.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Shock Report: The Tribune is Back, Facebook Just Got More Arousing

April 17, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A report published by the Murfreesboro Tribune Research Facility on Monday confirmed what several people, including Tribune employees, family members of Tribune employees, and three people who accidentally clicked to the site, have already discovered: The Murfreesboro Tribune is back on Facebook and this place just got real sexy real fast.

The thirty-seven page report detailed the past three months of Facebook activity, during which time The Tribune was banned, and during which time this community somehow survived without any local newspaper worth a damn.

“I can confirm that The Murfreesboro Tribune is back in publication and back on Facebook,” said Managing Editor Sam Clemens, likely to himself. “I also want to compliment Mark Zuckerberg, who is such a great guy. Make sure to include that in the article. He will read this and if I don’t say the right thing I get kicked out.”

The response from the Murfreesboro community has been overwhelming. In all, a whopping three people have noticed that the page returned.

Have a good idea for a story that needs to be covered? Send it to [email protected]. Or don’t send it, and we will find you and your family.

NOTE: This story is developing. Check back often for an erotic blend of news, commentary, and the most cutting reporting this side of the Stones River.

Facebook Cracks Down on Fake News, Shuts Down Tribune

January 24, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On January 7, 2017, the Facebook Police Department executed a search warrant on the Global Headquarters of The Murfreesboro Tribune, located in the corner booth of the Captain D’s on Broad Street. It was just one person sitting there, but the Facebook Security Cartel evidently places a high priority on preventing the carnage levied on the masses by small town satire sites.

As a result of the police raid, or as a result of some combination of absurdity, security practices, and numerous “flagged articles,” Facebook has indefinitely shut down The Murfreesboro Tribune Facebook Page.

Sure, the website could be shut down because some articles are offensive. Of note,  The Tribune actively skewers local elected officials and political positions, as satire tends to do, in a way that likely pisses off a large percentage of the electorate.

“This is a positive step for all things ridiculous,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, finally saying something on the twelfth day that I wouldn’t get off his lawn.

Zuckerberg neglected to explain how his security police flagged a satire website but failed to stop the seventy thousand goddamn clickbait sites that peddle garbage on the world wide web. We get it. At the three minute mark of that video, you completely lose your mind, but I’m not going to click on that shit just to go through a seventy-page slideshow of advertisements for one simple speeding trick that cops wish I didn’t know,

As of the publication of this post, the Tribune Editorial Team, comprised of one hobbyist who spends time writing fake news instead of enjoying life, has not decided whether it wishes to pursue verification of the website. Instead, the Editorial Team will likely just let the site ride off into the sunset to an unimaginative internet death, like Friendster, MySpace, and so many have done before.

UPDATE: We just checked and MySpace is still an actual website? Who goes on there? If you go on there, please email us so we can meet you, as your breed slowly goes extinct.

This story is developing, but the Editorial Team believes that it is critical that we comment on the ongoing investigation. After minutes of deep thoughts, the Editorial Team issues the following formal position:

To quote my boys Eazy E and Dr. Dre,, mother f*** the Facebook Police.

I’m just gonna set this microphone down right over here and keep writing fake news that no one reads.

Sam.

Food Riots Erupt After One Inch of Snowfall

January 6, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department has declared a state of emergency in various neighborhoods of Murfreesboro after approximately one inch of snow spurred rioting and food shortages.

It began snowing early Tuesday  morning, which, on any given day, has the potential to throw the city into a state of panic.

Around 8:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, authorities received an anonymous tip that three men were fighting in the aisle at the Kroger on Middle Tennessee Boulevard. Within minutes, at least seven other fights were confirmed throughout the store.

Authorities have been quick to respond to the violence, calling for peace, safety, and every damn man for himself.

“This city needs to focus on what is important right now,” said MPD Spokesman John Snow, clutching a bag filled with assorted dry goods and some Funyuns. “Take care of you and yours at whatever cost it takes.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team arrived at Kroger to investigate, and to lock up whatever E.L. Fudge cookies were left on the shelves, and spoke with various rioters at the scene.

“Get what you can!” yelled an unnamed rioter, who had covered her face with a bandana and grabbed a package of day-old cookies. “You know this stuff is going to be gone soon!”

This story is developing.

Sheriff Darnold’s Mother Upset That Jail is Actually a Jail

January 4, 2017 /

PRISONTOWN, KY – In news that surprises absolutely no one, Jeanette Keyeez, Sheriff Bob Darnold’s mother, is pretty upset that her son, who is being held in jail awaiting trial, is being treated like he is being held in jail.

Keyeez wrote a letter to the judge presiding over Darnold’s case, as if the judge hadn’t considered that Darnold’s mother might be upset when Darnold was sent to be held in a federal prison.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” wrote Sheriff Darnold’s Mother, seemingly unaware that her son’s day job prior to hawking e-cigs and playing knockaround with his wife was to hold inmates in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot square room for more than 80 days.

Keyeez wrote further that Darnold has not been able to watch television, eat ramen noodles, popcorn, candy, and soft drinks, or talk to the guards because the guards “don’t have time to talk.”

This is real life, boys and girls.

Here at The Tribune, we imagine that Keyeez likely took issue with several other policies at the Grayson County Detention Center, including:

  • The mini bar is not fully stocked.
  • The jail has no in-house shoe shine service
  • There is no free wifi
  • Inmates are forced to listen to Pandora with commercials
  • The Prison Mart only has red skittles, not Darnold’s preferred purple skittles
  • Several guards continue to discuss Game of Thrones spoilers without discipline

Just in case you were worried that Darnold would not receive the protection he deserves, Keyeez went ahead and took this thing to the top:

The Tribune has reached out to the entire federal government listed above, but has not received a response.

In related news, Vice President Biden was pretty upset to not receive a copy of the letter.

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