CLUB FED ALL-INCLUSIVE, BAHAMAS – As reported by local news affiliates that we steal stuff from, Ex-Sheriff and convicted felon Bob Darnold has been moved to a minimum security federal prison in the Caribbean called “Club Fed” following complaints by his mother that jail is hard.
The Murfreesboro Tribune sent Female Reporter Nell E. Bly undercover to the five-star resort prison to find the truth about the harshness of federal prison.
“Club Fed was a lot like Orange is the New Black, but without the hot lesbian action,” said Bly upon her return, seated comfortably wearing a crocheted Afghan with her skin glowing from a tan and her hair in small braids.
Darnold pled guilty earlier this year to charges of running a nicotine-based drug ring at the county jail. He was sentenced to four years in prison and ordered to pay $2.00 in restitution.
Earlier this year, Darnold’s mother, Jeanette Keyeez, complained to prison officials that her son, a federal prisoner, was actually being treated like a federal prisoner.
“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” Keyeez wrote back in January, as if prison should take place in a Caribbean paradise.
Well now, after much hard work from Keyeez, and after the federal authorities realized that Darnold didn’t commit a violent offense, such as murder or selling some weed out of the back of your truck, Darnold is spending his prison time in Club Fed, an actual Caribbean paradise.
“The club has a music room, pool tables, a fitness center and even a nude beach where prisoners can relax and work on their tans,” Bly reported. “The only thing that made it look like a jail was the razor wire and sharks guarding the lagoon.”
“But it looks more like a golf course or a country club with its manicured lawns than a prison,” Bly added, which stands in stark contrast to the bread-and-water, mold-filled, windowless, brick- block monstrosity where jailed inmates are held in Rutherford County.
Thanks to federal sentencing guidelines, which make an awful lot of sense, Darnold could be out as early as next month for good behavior. But as nice as this prison is, he might want to stay there as long as possible.
Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].
I smoke Kool menthol Cigarettes. The 110’s. I’m cool as fuck right now, but you probably can’t hear me through this thick haze of flavor.
If I were my mother-in-law, I’d spend the day telling everyone else how hot it is, because no-one couldn’t possibly know or understand thermal change without her say so.
My bestie told me to wait for the ice cream truck to randomly show up like it’s a text from my ex, Tyler. Have you heard from him?
Back in my day, we’d hop head-first into an empty pool and get transported magically to an air conditioned emergency room, but I’m from Canada.
I’ll pass. I used to be a Weinermobile groupie—no way they’re going to be able to match my crazy nights in the rent-by-the-hour hotels of Madison, Wisconsin.”
“I read about how Oscar Mayer made them free from artificial preservatives and by-products while avoiding added nitrites and nitrates, but I don’t know what any of that means.”
Recent Comments