The Murfreesboro Tribune

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Free Candy Out of a Van (and Other Things to do This Weekend)

August 17, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Mayday Brewery Hot Chicken & Jorts Party
It’s deliciously trashy, but sufficiently entertaining. Join a cast of characters who have no business wearing cutoff jean shorts. Feeling adventurous? Embarrass yourself too. You have full permission from The Tribune.

2. Dress up as Chewbacca and Hand Out Candy in Public
Why is this reserved for Halloween? It’s August, which is a damn fine month for handing out candy. If you want to really garner public attention, bring your windowless van and hand the candy out of the back. Or, if you’re looking for things to do with that van…

3. Serve Ice Cream Bars Out of Your Windowless Van at the Soccer Park
Trust us: the parents will love it. Who wouldn’t love a benevolent, handsome, and fully-toothed stranger handing out free ice cream to brighten the days of young ones? If parents object, it’s probably because they’re the kind of parents that hand out trail mix at Halloween. It has nothing to do with the pure creep factor emanating from your van.

4. Quietly Resent Your Spouse
Because who the fuck does she think she is?

5. Kick Your Neighbor’s Dog When No One is Looking
That little dog has been asking for it. Wait until no one is looking, and kick that little bitch like Beckham. And we use bitch as the technical term for a female dog. This is a family publication folks, but we also strive for pure journalistic integrity. If your mother gives you a problem for reading it, tell that bitch to keep it to herself.

If you have events that you would like to be submitted for future editions of “What to Do This Weekend,” you can send those events to [email protected].

City Prepares for Annual Tradition of Ignoring MTSU Athletics

August 15, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become a treasured pastime in Rutherford County, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced Wednesday that the City of Murfreesboro has started preparations for the 2018 season of fully and comprehensively ignoring MTSU Athletics.

“It’s that time of year again,” said Mayor McHarland to those gathered at a mid-morning press conference, holding back a smile. ” We can gather our loved ones and plan activities as if the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders simply do not exist.”

Mayor McHarland retrieved the Murfreesboro City Charter, kept in the mayor’s personal safe behind a stack of cash and a pile of unidentified white powder. The Charter incorporated the City of Murfreesboro in 1817 and included the mission behind ignoring MTSU Athletics.

Every size of citizen that we can measure
knows that ignoring MTSU is a time that we must treasure.

Murfreesboro City Charter, Paragraph 13

The crowd gathered for the press conference echoed Mayor McHarland and Councilman Shade, frequently yelling horrific obscenities such as “Roll Tide!” “War Eagle!” “Geaux Tigers!” and “Go Vols!” Despite such evidence of public indecency, no arrests have been made at this time.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders will participate in the 2018-2019 NCAA Football Season and NCAA Basketball Season. However, research has also confirmed, based upon the number of obnoxious social media posts made exclusively by fans of the University of Tennessee and the University of Alabama, that this city is once again primed to not give a single shit about Blue Raider Athletics.

“It’s a magical time of year,” said McHarland, in closing. “Cherish this time with your families and, before we know it, this season will pass and we will be ready to cheer on Kentucky Basketball.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at[email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Taxpayers Pretty Excited About Paying for Lip Sync Battle

August 14, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last week, the Murfreesboro Police Department and Murfreesboro Fire Department released a Lip Sync Challenge Video, a riveting addition to the peaked-weeks-ago law enforcement viral challenge performed entirely by city employees who are paid through your generous, even if forced, tax contributions.

Citing “numerous requests on social media,” including requests from the Captain, the Sergeant, and McGruff the Crime Dog, the fully-publicly-funded departments hastily launched an ill-advised voyage into low budget cinematography.

“We might have been a little late to the game,” said Police Department Spokeswoman Melinda Knight Shyamalan, “but I think the public will see that it was well worth the wait.”

“We all agreed that this video production was much more important than fighting crime or serving the public good,” Shyamalan added, echoing taxpayer praise for the practical equivalent of a summer camp skit being performed with public resources.

City employees, whose wages are paid entirely through mandatory citizen taxes and the sweet mercy of the Lord, collaborated with country rapper Big Smo “to add a WOW factor,” according to Shyamalan.

“We wanted a celebrity,” said Fire Department Media Strategist Martina Scorsese. “But not just any celebrity. We wanted someone that ninety-six percent of the country would have to google to figure out who the hell he even is.”

The finished product, hailed as “the whitest thing since Prairie Home Companion,” features enough head nodding and awkward thrusting to sufficiently piss off the preacher from Footloose.

The Murfreesboro Tribune obtained a leaked copy of the directorial notes, which instructed city employees to “nod along like you’re at a middle school dance” and “try and act like your one black friend.”

“I think it’s hilarious,” said Nora Jennings, whose trailer on Tennessee Boulevard burned to the ground while fire trucks were being used across town to lift an obscure country rapper and his matching flag off the ground.

“Definitely worth it,” Jennings wheezed between smoke-filled coughs.

At the time this article is written, Shyamalan and Scorsese hinted that the departments may collaborate on a Harlem Shake video next to show how cool and topical and hip they are.

“But only if we can do it on the clock,” Scorsese added with a wink.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Council Expands West, Adds “Hot Rod” Martin

August 7, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A few years back, a handful of loud and obnoxious citizens complained that the Murfreesboro City Council lacked geographical diversity in its representation.

The Murfreesboro Tribune reported on a similar lack of geographical diversity in city whore houses.

The voters of Murfreesboro listened to The Tribune this past week, electing teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin, who runs The Puckett Palace in West Murfreesboro.

“I’m thrilled to get the job,” said Martin. “Some of the finest honeys in town are from Puckett Station and now the whole city’s gonna know.”

The addition of Martin is unlikely to shut up the guys who just like to bitch about everything.

“What about Bradyville Pike?” one commenter posted on Facebook.

Uh, what about it?

“Some day everyone in this town will be represented!” wrote another.

Collectively, the pre-21st century black population is like “LOL oh you don’t have geographical representation? That sounds terrible.”

Welcome to The Show, Hot Roddie.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Social Media Update: CrossFit Douche Currently Working Out

August 6, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent social media posts have confirmed that Full-Time CrossFit Instructor and Amateur Instagram Model* Wod Wodley is in fact working out right now.

“Out here making GAINS!” Wodley posted on Instagram, accompanied by a picture of him throwing a tire at a Renaissance-era archery target (the fuck?).

Wodley followers had reached fever pitch about his six hour absence from social media prior to the post.

“It’s not like Wod to stay off of Instagram for more than thirty minutes or so,” said Rachel Hendrix, a CrossFit Enthusiast and Wodley Disciple. “I mean look at his body!”

At the time of print, Wodley was last seen juggling tire irons (uh what?) in between sets of burpees.

“This is f***ing fantastic,” commented Dr. James Archer, an orthopedic surgeon in Murfreesboro and avid fan of absurd form and reckless exercise.

“Keep it up guys,” Archer added. “I need some more torn up knees and shoulders to put my kids through college.”

* By “Instagram Model” The Murfreesboro Tribune is using the Webster’s Dictionary definition, which borrows heavily from Urban Dictionary, as follows: “An extreme selfie taker, usually with a nice body, an empty bank account, and hopes of a celebrity paying attention at some point.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Teachers Complain About School Return After Nine F***ing Weeks Off

August 5, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become an August tradition unlike any other, school teachers have taken to social media with vague grumblings of having to actually work for a living like the rest of the peasants who worked during the months of June and July.

“OMG school is back this week,” tweeted Jennifer Edgell, a third grade teacher at John Pittard Elementary School, comfortably resting poolside for the ninth consecutive week. “This is unbelievable!” she tweeted between sips of her third margarita.

Blackman Middle School sixth grade teacher Mark Goodman took to Facebook to express his disbelief that an employer would expect a return to employment after about sixty days of slumber. “Wow this summer flew by!” Goodman remarked. “Seems like that way for everyone I talked to!”

Is that right, Mark? Your doctor, accountant, mailman, grocery store clerk, lawyer, barista, pizza delivery guy, chiropractor, plumber, carpet cleaner, and insurance salesman all complained that their summer break was equally short? Yeah. Our weekends did seem short.

At least one educator, Siegel High School math teacher JoAnne Hoekstra, seemed satisfied that teachers would be returning to paid vacation shortly.

“Fall Break can’t come soon enough y’all,” Hoekstra tweeted. “Pray for me!”

Yes, JoAnne. We will pray for the eight consecutive weeks of work that will be required of you until the taxpayers mercifully grant another nine days of paid vacation for Fall Break. We are all with you on this.

Pray for the teachers, y’all. It’s hard out there.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Says a Serial Killer is in Murfreesboro so Goodbye World

March 16, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO – Well, there’s a serial killer on the loose, so it looks like we are all pretty much done for. Several recent Facebook posts convincingly prove that a serial killer is stalking Murfreesboro, leaving a wake of disappearances and dead bodies in his/her/hir/its/their wake.

At least one citizen reached out to local law enforcement and was stunned to learn that law enforcement had already investigated each incident (what?) and found that the incidents were entirely unrelated (WHAT?).

Three thousand other citizens just shared the damn post on social media and ran to the safe room of their home for protection.

At least one media outlet is recklessly reporting that reports of a serial killer are false. When we all die a violent, murderous, and potentially arousing death, let’s all remember that the media lied to you and caused your death.

Here at The Tribune, we have the utmost faith in social media vagaries, so we are left to conclude that a serial killer is loose and we are all completely and hopelessly fucked.

Since we are all going to die a violent death anyways, we have nothing to lose, so here is a list of people and/or things that we don’t like:

  • Mustard
  • People who wear capes
  • Mayor McHarland (I’ve written you like six letters, Sugar Shane. A response wouldn’t kill you.)
  • The films of Wes Anderson
  • Others who chew food loudly
  • Frat guys
  • Natty Light
  • Frat guys holding Natty Light
  • Vaping
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the elevator
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the checkout line
  • Loud cell phone talkers anywhere, really
  • Literally misusing the word literally
  • The Asian guy in front of me at airport security EVERY TIME
  • Vegans who talk about being vegans
  • Vegans who talk to anyone
  • All vegans
  • Real Nashville News
  • Circus peanuts candy

Goodbye world. It’s been a hell of a run.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

War on Gummies Ends, Parents Fear Return of Dangerous CBD Gummies

February 28, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke Wednesday that the Rutherford County District Attorney is dismissing all charges in Operation Candy Crush, a reckless and dangerous decision that will propel thousands of CBD products, including CBD gummies, back to the streets of Murfreesboro and into the waiting hands of our sweet innocent children.

“The Tennessee Bureau of Investigations is no longer willing to testify that the CBD gummies are a Schedule VI substance,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “You know, because they never really were illegal drugs in the first place. So we have no choice but to dismiss these charges.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we take violent and dangerous drug offenses very seriously and we share the concern expressed by tens of people that these CBD oils are being returned to the streets, where they may be harmlessly ingested by children.

Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to discover what you think about these hard drugs being recklessly returned to the junkies and addicts in Murfreesboro.

From the Street: Are you concerned that dangerous candies, pretty much as dangerous as heroin and crack cocaine, are being returned to the slums of Murfreesboro?

I am shocked and appalled. Think of the children! I don’t care that these products are already legal and that the medical community agrees to certain benefits. We need to get this dope under control.
Karen Duchenne, Housewife

I don’t understand. How the hell could our conservative elected officials be wrong on drug policy? I was promised that if we just make everything illegal then all these brown people will get their shit together and drugs will go away. Fox News can’t be wrong! 
Dick Hurts, Mortgage Banker

This world is going to hell and this generation will ruin everything. I’m tired of it. Hell, let’s just let these drugs kill some kids. Then they’ll get the lesson. 
Abe Jenkins, Retired Mechanic

I’ve been using heroin for years and I’m pretty excited that an even harder drug is now available. At least, that’s what my Republican friends told me. This stuff is like “let’s jump off a roof” kinda high, right? I’m in.
Elijah Brewster, Unemployed 

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Psych! Sheriff Hosts Punk’d Episode with Local Business Owners

February 27, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office revealed Tuesday morning that Operation Candy Crush, which includes the comically ill-fated misadventures of a local sheriff and district attorney who fail to understand basic hemp processing, is actually part of the pilot of a local hidden camera prank show similar to MTV’s Punk’d.

The announcement came the day after media outlets reported that charges may be dismissed against store owners in the ongoing War on Gummies.

“We can’t wait to release this footage,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “When you see how horrifically ham-handed our treatment of relatively innocuous CBD candies looks on tape, you’ll agree that this shit is hilarious.”

“We promise this has been the plan all along, so let’s just cut out all this lawsuit talk,” he added, trailing off nervously.

Sheriff Putzhugh announced that Operation Candy Crush will span the first two episodes of the new hidden camera series, aptly titled This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement.

“I’m just glad to be part of the production,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “Honestly, I’ve thought that these guys are hilarious for years. They’re like that little train that keeps on chugging up the mountain. One day, the little train just loses steam and plunges back downhill, erupting into a flame of high crimes and misdemeanors.”

According to the production team, future episodes of This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement will include such family-friendly hijinks as police brutality, falsification of immigration documents, and public corruption.

“It’s gonna be hilarious,” added Sheriff Putzhugh. “We cannot emphasize enough that our officers are not actually this incompetent. This is all done for the sake of comedy.”

At the time this article is published, Sheriff Putzhugh sat in his office working desperately to convince himself that he is telling at least partial truths.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Police Crack Down on CBD Oil, to Worry About Opioids Later

February 12, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as the largest drug crackdown on the District Attorney’s chalkboard to-do list, authorities padlocked twenty-three stores in Rutherford County on Monday accused of selling products containing Cannabidiol, also known as CBD, a canniboid oil that is moderately more mind-altering than your typical over-the-counter pain medicine.

Just last month, Governor Haslam unveiled a $30 Million plan to combat the opioid crisis in Tennessee, but Rutherford County law enforcement authorities were smart enough to realize that Tennessee already has its opioid epidemic completely under control, choosing instead to focus its efforts on preventing the spread of low-THC candies.

“This is a landmark day for law enforcement,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “We are here to send a message that, despite the fact that opioids are ravaging our communities, our priority is to prevent the spread of a little-known and rarely-used hemp oil that is pretty damn legal in a pretty damn good number of places.”

“He’s right,” echoed District Attorney Abraham Lincoln, conspicuously missing his signature top hat. “The courts are here to ensure that those targeted by law enforcement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and the law is here to ensure that those targeted will be those selling an oil that most people had to f***ing Google to even know what it is.”

Lincoln’s statement is supported by a recent Murfreesboro Tribune survey, which revealed that zero percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers could properly articulate what CBD even stood for without polling the audience of phoning a friend, despite one hundred percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers having a personal connection to the opioid crisis.

Law enforcement officials emphasized that the seized CBD products will be taken off the street for good.

“It’s negligible whether these oils even get you high,” said Sheriff Putzhugh, popping a CBD candy into his mouth. “But they’re damn delicious, and we are going to make sure that these gummies will be stored into evidence and served at the Annual Office Christmas Party.”

In the time it took to write this article, another Tennessee citizen likely died from an opioid overdose. But, sure, let’s get out there and stop those CBD gummies from destroying our communities.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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