The Murfreesboro Tribune

Page 13 of 15

Community Shocked to Learn That It’s 2016 and Hastings is Still Open

July 25, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Friday, Hastings Entertainment announced that it will close all its stores, including the Murfreesboro Hastings located on Memorial Boulevard, and liquidate assets.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to find out how the community responded to this announcement. Unfortunately, the majority of people we met were genuinely surprised to learn that Hastings is still in business. We did, however, find a few Hastings enthusiasts.

From the Street: Do you have any thoughts on Hastings closing all its stores?

“You mean the place by that empty building that used to be a Long John Silver’s? Right next to the check cashing place that used to be a gas station? That side of town is on fire.”
Janet Skaggs, Interior Designer.

“I’ve been using that parking lot to sell weed for the past few years. Hate to see it go.”
Justin Thatcher, Entrepreneur.

“Part of my childhood was in that store. It’s the first place I rented a movie, the first place I felt a girl up, and the first place I publicly insulted a Jewish man. Some great memories there.”
Darren Trembley, Musician.

“We’re going to be fine. All we’ve got to do now is come up with an internet company to sell new and used books at a discount and hope that no one has beat us to it.”
Jake Sinclair, Hastings Store Manager.

Walmart Supercenter to Open in Rutherford County Historic Courthouse

July 22, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Walmart announced plans on Friday to open a new Walmart Supercenter in the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse.

“We believe that Walmart will provide stability to the Public Square,” said Walmart Regional Manager John DeVries, “and an opportunity to bankrupt at least a half a dozen other mom and pop businesses in the surrounding area.”

The Murfreesboro City Council approved the proposed Walmart Supercenter at its regularly scheduled meeting on Thursday night.

“There’s a Walmart everywhere else in this town, so we figured why not put one on the Square,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland. “At this point, we pretty much just said f*** it— they can go where they want”

Conservative estimates place the proposed store as the twenty-seventh Walmart in Rutherford County, which has spurred explosive growth in check cashing outlets, liquor stores, and other luxury industries.

The Rutherford County Historic Courthouse was built in 1859 according to Wikipedia, which is about as far as this author can get right now after a few too many glasses of Chianti. But since when is it against the law to have a few drinks before work, you judgmental prick?

Initial plans indicate that the first floor will be home goods, the second floor will be food and groceries, and the third floor will remain closed to the public.

Walmart officials have been unable to locate anyone who has actually been to the third floor of the Historic Courthouse and, as a result, Walmart believes the third floor to be haunted.

For more information on Walmart’s continued expansion into the hearts and homes of Rutherford County, raise the issue at your family Thanksgiving Dinner or challenge one of the people sitting on a bench on the Public Square to a measured debate about capitalism. That would be one hell of a ride.

Abstinence Group Endorses Pokémon Go Because Those Guys Aren’t Getting Laid Anyways

July 18, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates (MAA) endorsed Pokémon Go as its preferred leisure activity on Monday and issued a statement that the gameplay of Pokémon Go fits the MAA Mission of abstinence and isolationism.

The Mission of Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates is to promote healthy choices among youth to reduce the risks of sexual activity. MAA will work to provide safe and healthy alternatives to sexual activity through distraction, misdirection, and general shaming of masturbation.

“We strive to provide social opportunities that have virtually no chance of anyone having sex,” said MAA President Jenny Collins, who looked lustfully at the writer of this article, eyes dancing with forbidden fire, “and Pokémon Go knocks that out of the park.”

“I mean, look at the guys wandering around town with their phones out,” Collins added. “Those are abstinence warriors.”

Pokemon Go is an augmented reality video game, played through cell phones, in which users have an opportunity to capture various characters in a Poke Ball and viciously drag those characters away from their families and loved ones.

Proponents of Pokémon Go hail the game as an opportunity for otherwise isolated gamers to get out of their homes, exercise, and socialize with other players.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team researched the proposed benefits of Pokémon Go and found that Pokémon Go offers a unique type of exercise and socialization.

  • Pokémon Go Exercise. A slow, zombie-like walk around the grounds of public places, which often leads to players being confused with someone who desperately needs to poop lurching towards the restroom as feces slowly escapes their sphincter.
  • Pokémon Go Socialization. Standing near other people in real life, but never removing your eyes from your cell phone screen and never, under any circumstances, physically communicating with other humans. And traffic? Forget about it. Just walk into the road.

“We are thrilled for this partnership,” said Collins, who by this time had casually unbuttoned her top button, playing it off like she didn’t want a sneak peek at the writer of this article’s Jigglypuff, “Pokémon Go allows our members to be in public, but not pay attention to anyone, and no interaction means a lower chance at sexual activity.”

Satire Newspaper Reaches 500 Facebook Likes, Community Fails to Notice

July 13, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Tuesday, the Murfreesboro Tribune, hailed as the beacon of truth and freedom in Rutherford County, Tennessee, reached 500 Likes on Facebook.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to find out how the community responded to this monumental milestone.

What do you think about the Murfreesboro Tribune reaching 500 Likes on Facebook?

Veteran

“The Murfreesboro what?”
Kris Hooper, Army Veteran.

 

Retired Teacher

“Is that the site with all the cat pictures? The guy who writes it seems so sad and alone.”
Elle Budreaux, Retired Teacher.

 

Hipster 2

“That site is dope, but it’s a little too popular now. I was in before it got big”
Atticus Jones, Hipster Douchebag.

 

Clemens“What incredible news! This is the best news source in Murfreesboro!”
Sam Clemens, Writer.

Crime Brief: Police Arrest Another Black Guy

July 11, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – On Monday, police responded to a report of suspicious activity on the 400 block of North Academy Street in Murfreesboro and ultimately arrested Antwan Carrigan, a black guy standing nearby who didn’t do much except be born with dark skin.

Witnesses say that police arrived at a residence on North Academy Street only to find cheerful white people who were probably law-abiding citizens. Officers shook hands with the white residents and wished them a great day.

Upon leaving the residence, police encountered Carrigan walking down the sidewalk as if he had a right to just stroll around town as a black guy without unwanted police interaction.

“Officer James Crow and I noticed a dark-skinned male, which matches the description of our typical arrestee, walking across the street,” Murfreesboro Police Department Officer Robert Lee later wrote in his report. “We approached the suspect with weapons drawn because, let’s be honest, we were going to arrest him for something.”

According to the Murfreesboro Police Department, Carrigan is the three hundredth black guy arrested in Murfreesboro in the month of July, which earned Officers Crow and Lee an ice cream party at MPD Headquarters.

Despite an excellent rate of arresting men who haven’t done anything except be visibly different than white people, not everyone at the Department is upbeat.

“It’s not good enough,” said MPD Spokesman Stone Jackson. “Every day, this city is full of black guys that, if we follow long enough, are bound to commit some sort of trivial crime, and those guys need to know that the law makes no exceptions unless you’re white.”

As of the time this article goes to print, Carrigan sits in the Rutherford County Jail on a $4,000 bond, which would require an entire week of work to post. Meanwhile, six wealthy white people have been booked on serious charges and have bonded out into the community.

Local Dogs Break Twitter in Response to 20 Minutes of Rain, Unadulterated Peace on July 4th

July 5, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – On the Fourth of July, countless dogs in the Murfreesboro area hid in horror as terrorists in the streets detonated explosives to torment the dogs helplessly trapped in nearby homes.

Around 9:00 p.m. on Monday night, in what local dogs are describing as “the Hand of our Cuddle Savior,” the skies opened up and emptied twenty minutes of torrential rain upon the pagan and ritualistic fireworks in the streets.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team scoured the internet and found that the canine response on social media showed an overwhelming feeling of excitement when the rain stopped the fireworks, which was quickly followed by sheer terror when the parade of explosions returned, as the dogs assumed, to brutally murder both dogs and owners.

Patches (@ItsPatchesYall), a seven year old Chihuahua from the Cason Lane area, immediately took to Twitter in celebration when the rain forced an end to fireworks.

Patches Tweet

Only minutes later, however, the rain stopped, the explosions returned, and Patches issued a fearful and cryptic tweet.

Patches Tweet 2

Cooper (@BitchesLoveCoop), a Border Collie from North Murfreesboro, panicked as soon as the fireworks stopped and he could not find his owner.

Cooper Tweet

Fandango (@FandangoBarks), a three year old Golden Doodle from Downtown Murfreesboro rode a roller coaster of emotions on Twitter in a single tweet.

Fandango Tweet

It didn’t take long for the City of Murfreesboro to respond, noting that, although the dogs were terrified, they likely had loving owners who spent the evening trying to save the pups from misery.

Mboro Tweet

At least one local dog wasn’t buying it. Paul (@ADogNamedPaul), a chocolate lab who lives in an undisclosed location near Bradyville Pike, refused to accept the City’s response.

Paul Tweet

This story is developing. Anyone with information on the canine response on social media is encouraged to contact the Tribune Investigative Team.

Report: It’s 2:00 A.M. And Your Ass-Hat Neighbor Is Still Shooting Fireworks

July 4, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – It’s 2:00 a.m. and Billy-what’s-his-name from two doors down just launched his seventeenth consecutive Explosion Extravaganza into the early morning air.

Welcome to the weekend of hell in your subdivision.

Sure, Billy is a working man, but he has set off fireworks with his kids for four consecutive nights now and excuse you if you’re a bit tired of talking your French Bulldog off the ledge as he barks his vocal chords out to protect you from what he must believe is a full scale military invasion directly outside of your home.

Your kids understand, of course, as you rationally explain to them why everything outside of the small room that they know and love sounds like an active warzone in Vietnam.

As your neighbors celebrate America and Freedom in an explosive white trash bash, take solace in the fact that it won’t end tonight, or tomorrow night, or two nights from now, because these people are going to burn through every Made-in-China-wick at their disposal— peace, love, and civility be damned.

It’s (within a couple days of) July 4th, America! If you got it, blow it up!

Bob Darnold

Likely Felon Bob Darnold Just Keeps Acting Like Nothing Happened

June 30, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – Rutherford County Constable and likely future felon Bob Darnold reported to work on Thursday whistling his favorite Nickelback jam, seemingly unaware of an impending federal criminal trial that is poised to strip Darnold of his most basic civil liberties.

“I’m not really sure what the big deal is,” said Darnold, who, in just a mere matter of months, will no longer be able to even sit for jury duty. “I think everyone will just forget about all this stuff if I pretend like it never happened.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department arrested Darnold in May, capping a months-long investigation into what some have called the most obvious criminal conduct since Tony “Scooter” Jackson drunkenly drove a carnival bumper car down Broad Street during rush hour.

Darnold, who will be ineligible to vote, even for himself, after his upcoming felony convictions, has appeared inexplicably confident in his continued employment, despite a titanic amount of evidence of flagrant official misconduct.

“The voters of this county trust me to do my job,” Darnold lied to himself, resting his hand on his firearm, which federal law will soon prevent him from possessing.

“I’m going to continue working because I’d hate for the taxpayers to pay my salary for nothing,” he added, glossing over the past six years, during which the taxpayers paid his salary for absolutely nothing.

The trial for Darnold is currently set for August 2, which leaves Darnold a touch under five weeks until federal law permanently bans him from voting, sitting on a jury, possessing a firearm, or serving in the Armed Forces, among other penalties.

Darnold declined to comment further, saying he needed to attend the County Commission meeting to personally witness the Commission further cut his resources in an effort to limit the amount of damage that he can inflict upon the county prior to his conviction and removal from office.

Murfreesboro Family Activities

Local Events: Fight a Homeless Guy (and Other Things to Do This Weekend)

June 16, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Fight a Homeless Person
Nothing gets your heart racing like a good old-fashioned fight to the death. For added excitement, throw some jagged sticks between you and Gary, the lovable hobo.

2. Kick the Neighbor’s Dog While No One Is Looking
Let’s be honest: how long have you secretly wanted to punt that little dog like a soccer ball? Stretch thoroughly, just to be safe, and give Buddy a swift kick in the ribs. Just make sure the owner isn’t looking or you’ll have a Gary-the-Hobo caliber brawl on your hands.

3. Join in Recess at a Local School
Who didn’t love kickball as a kid? This weekend, join in the Friday recess kickball game, whether the kids want you there or not. If the kids talk back, point at a nearby van and ask if they’d rather take this fight elsewhere. Trust us. Works like a charm.

4. Quietly Resent Your Spouse
Because who the fuck does she think she is?

5. Eat at Golden Corral
YOLO.

Bonnaroo 2016

Bonnaroo Report: It’s Still Cheaper to Just Do Drugs in an Empty Field

June 9, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – According to a report released by the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team on Thursday, it is still cheaper to just do drugs in an empty field than to attend the 2016 Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival.

Bonnaroo offers live music, social activities, and copious amounts of recreational drug use, including marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, MDMA, acid, LSD, mushrooms, amphetamines, adderall, benzos, cough medicine, whippits, low-grade beaver tranquilizers, and Uncle Buck’s Pocket Candy.

Bonnaroo enthusiast Molly Coke is one former music festival attendee that decided to forego Bonnaroo this year in favor of simply standing in an empty field and doing experimental drugs.

Coke estimates that the cost for a weekend at Bonnaroo is nearly $1,000.00, which includes $600.00 for tickets, $100.00 for food and supplies, and $300.00 for various hippie wares, such as rainsticks, dream catchers, and assorted arts and crafts.

In comparison, Coke estimates that the cost of standing in an empty field and doing drugs is minimal, as it requires nothing but the cost of drugs. Depending on the drug, Coke says that the price ranges from several hundred dollars to the mere performance of a backyard sammie for the cashier at the neighborhood bodega.

“I thought about going back to Bonnaroo,” said Coke. “But let’s be honest, I’m just there for the drugs. Instead of dealing with filthy hippies, meditation circles, and hackey sack contests, I’ll just do drugs in this vacant lot.”

The Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the ecstasy used by Coke was legitimate. Three Team Members left for a warehouse rave and we lost Phil, but it was a hell of a ride.

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2024 The Murfreesboro Tribune

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑