MURFREESBORO, TN – Middle Tennessee State University recently announced plans to open a new hotel on campus. The Murfreesboro Tribune landed an exclusive scoop that MTSU plans to open The Regal Inn Greenland, a new hotel just off campus, which provides a True Blue place to shoot guns and do drugs. In recent years, campus neighborhoods have faced rising crime rates, decreasing property maintenance, and skyrocketing rent prices, which prompted school officials to try their hand in the hospitality industry.

“We were just overwhelmed with the response,” said MTSU President Ridley McPeak. “Initially, we thought discriminatory housing practices could only be used in nearby residential units, where fourth generation rednecks rent their granddaddy’s dilapidated real estate portfolio, but now we have an opportunity to get in the game.”

School officials have yet to finalize the estimated cost, size, and other details, but officials are hopeful to begin construction next year. Wait a minute– construction on what? I honestly don’t know what we are announcing if we don’t know the size, cost, or the ambiguous “other details” of the project. But hey— it’s a hotel!

Tasked with choosing a hotel brand, MTSU officials chose the well-known Regal Inn, a staple in the community, oft celebrated for its shameless revelry, domestic violence, and unnervingly consistent police presence.

“We’ve seen rampant drug use, shootings, and sex trafficking operations near campus for years,” McPeak added. “Now, we can keep that business here at home and ensure that everyone enjoys the professional, courteous, and holy shit that’s a needle atmosphere that embodies the Regal Inn.”

For the community, it ties together two neighborhoods previously only bonded by unreasonable rent, criminal activity, and the consensus of the community to do absolutely nothing to help.

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