NASHVILLE, TN – After years of hard work, Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold has moved his work station to the Davidson County Jail, securing a rent-free office as an inmate being held against his will.
Darnold has spent years working to obtain a rent-free jail cell, using such methods as the repeated commission of flagrant and public misconduct. Initially, Darnold simply allowed his officers to act inappropriately. However, Darnold soon realized that he would have to blend public corruption and private incompetency if he wanted to lock down a rent-free office in a local jail cell.
“The office of County Sheriff has a number of administrative functions,” Darnold told the media Wednesday, reading off a card to make sure he pronounces the big words right. “One part of my job is a budget, and I’ll tell you that moving my office to the jail will save this county some money.”
Darnold tried to move his office in May of this year after being indicted in federal court for fourteen counts of some pretty obvious criminal conduct. However, some do-gooder posted a bond so that he could not unpack in the jail. Now, after Darnold and his wife played truth or dare with a purple nurple double dare, a judge has finally seen enough and said that he should go to jail like any normal person in his same position would be forced to do.
“It’s a bold strategy to move his office to the jail,” said Murfreesboro resident John Doe, a Darnold supporter who was too embarrassed to release his true identity. “But Bob has made a habit of good decisions, as long as you don’t count the decisions that other people can see.”
Darnold’s new office is six feet wide and eight feet deep, with a rustic steel door and room for a small milk crate desk. The office also features a private restroom where others can just stand nearby and watch you poop.
While the office lacks natural light, there is alternate lighting available, which provides enough of a faint glow to remind those who use the office that it also serves as the jailhouse library and a place where dreams go to die.
The public reaction to the move has received a mixed response from the public. Some noted the reduced cost at the Davidson County Jail. Others pointed out that this man likely a fucking criminal so why the fuck are we still paying him a salary to be in jail?
Darnold informed the media that he intends to move the remainder of the Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office into the C-Block, where he is currently housed. When reached for comment, Sheriff’s Office employees said “Fuck Off, Bob! If you got a problem, come get us! Oh, that’s right. You can’t!”
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