Category: Sports (Page 1 of 2)

MTSU Reminds Public They Play Baseball on a Field in a Stadium with Umpires and Popcorn and Everything

November 15, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – MTSU Athletics issued a press release Friday to remind the public that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders play Division-I baseball in a real baseball stadium, including baseballs, bats, helmets, stadium seating, hot dogs, beer, and the occasional DCS referral for that one baseball dad in gas station sunglasses just giving that poor kid a beating near the third base line dugout.

MTSU Athletics hopes to capitalize on the inevitably-fleeting public interest in an unofficial baseball park rendering released on social media earlier this week. While the rendering appears to have no actual planning behind it, the post nonetheless sparked spirited debate among citizens.

“From what we can gather, some bluegrass guys got lit on moonshine and worked up a Cannonsburgh Field of Dreams, I guess,” said MTSU Baseball Coach Sleepy Joe Reeves. “We just want the public to know that our stadium can be like Uncle Dave Macon Days too, just with less clogging and more baseball.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune took to the street to find out what you think about the new baseball stadium proposal. 

“I like how the rendering just dropped the stadium in there. No facilities, no parking, no traffic changes. Just BAM. A baseball stadium in the middle of an underdeveloped neighborhood. It’s a bonafide chef’s kiss.”
-David Shitswell, Social Media Provocateur

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“No, no, no. Tax payer dollars aren’t supposed to be wasted like that. They’re supposed to be wasted in other, more discreet ways. I’d hate to see tax dollars wasted on a baseball stadium instead of some regulatory efforts to make it illegal to be gay or something.”
-John Johnson, Ninth-Generation Rutherford Countian (19th Century Family Line Prolly Not the Good Guys FYI)

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“I can’t believe our mayor would share this garbage on social media.”
– Spike Prickledick, Retired Barista, Part-Time Filmmaker (He Could Have Just Said Unemployed). 

NOTE: When asked whether he actually *read* the mayor’s post, which explicitly disapproved of the stadium proposal, Prickledick flipped off the interviewer and fled the scene in a 1990s hatchback.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Mayor Gives UT Coach Key to City, Hopes to Have Division-I Athletics in Murfreesboro Some Day

October 30, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland presented University of Tennessee Baseball Coach Tony Vitello a “Key to the City” this week, representing a commitment from the City of Murfreesboro to support college athletics programs as long as those programs are like 150 miles east of here. 

“The University of Tennessee has had a wildly successful run” said Mayor McHarland. “My hope is that some day we may have a Division-I athletics program here in Rutherford County.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we hit the street to see how our citizens responded to the news, as we return to our #FromTheStreet coverage.

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“I think it’s great! I mean sure, this place is like ten counties over, but it’s a state school! Our tax dollars support it! Well, not property tax or anything, but maybe sales tax on all that Vols shit at Walmart?”

– Brenda AllVol, Salt Life Ambassador

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“This is so insulting. How can he overlook Motlow like that?”

– Mikayla Hatfield, MTSU Student

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“I think it’s important to take this opportunity to share what we have going on at Middle—“

– Chris Bajardo, MTSU Athletics Director 

EDITOR’S NOTE: The quote from Director Bajardo is incomplete. Honestly the author of this article just tuned the f*** out mid-sentence. We still have no idea what is happening at that school.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

MTSU Football Excited for One More Home Game in Empty Stadium

November 27, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders won the Conference USA East Division this past weekend, beating the heavily-favored UAB Blazers and earning the right to host the Conference USA Championship Game at the massive, cavernous, and inevitably-empty Floyd Stadium. And the MTSU players and coaches wouldn’t have it any other way.

“It’s an exciting win for this team,” said MTSU Head Coach Rick Standstill. “And to think that we earned one more home game in front of all of these empty seats. Nothing makes me happier than watching the tens of people in the stands cheering us on. It’s exhilarating.”

MTSU hosted five home games in the regular season this year, averaging sixteen fans per game. Fans in attendance each week were strongly encouraged to sit where they could not be seen by players and coaches, preventing an interruption of the atmosphere of disregard for the program and complete apathy.

“Sometimes it’s hard to get worked up for away games,” said MTSU Quarterback Brent Standstill. “Those schools have fans that yell and cheer, which is so distracting. Home games are so much better. When we know that we get to play at home in front of a completely empty stadium, miles away from anyone who gives a damn about our team, we always play at our best.”

Tickets for the game went on sale Monday.

MTSU Athletic Director Kris Mossimo immediately purchased every ticket for the game and lit them on fire.

“My job is to build what’s best for this program,” said Mossimo. “And, if history shows anything, it shows that our city understands that the most important thing for our football team is keeping that stadium completely empty.”

“And I mean empty,” he added, pointing a finger towards those present. “You stay the hell home.”

“Go Vols,” Mossimo muttered to himself while drowning out the smoldering ashes of a stadium full of tickets.

(Hey you there reading this article. Maybe put down your phone, buy a ticket to the game, and go support your damn hometown team.)

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Fans Prepare for “Be a Vol” Monday: Just Won’t Show Up

September 2, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – University of Tennessee fans throughout Middle Tennessee are gearing up for “Be a Vol” Monday, which allows UT Fans of all shapes and stripes to live a day like a True Tennessee Volunteer. Tomorrow, “Be a Vol” Monday will feature the most prominent performance from this past weekend: like a True Tennessee Volunteer against West Virginia, UT Fans simply won’t show up.

“We decided that the best thing we can do for ‘Be a Vol’ Monday tomorrow is to reenact an authentic Tennessee performance,” said Phil Volman, President of the University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee. “And what better way to reenact the game against West Virginia than to just not show up?”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Sports Report informed Volman that the Volunteers actually did appear at the West Virginia game this past weekend, but Volman refused to agree.

“You kidding me?” Volman added. “Did you watch the same game I watched?”

Tennessee fans who want to take part in “Be a Vol” Monday are encouraged to follow the guidelines below.

“BE A VOL” MONDAY
RULES AND REGULATIONS
SEPTEMBER 3, 2018

1. Don’t Show Up.
This week, to truly be a Vol, don’t show up. Don’t even pretend to show up. We don’t care if you’re getting beat by three scores. Just keep mailing it in. We have to make this authentic guys, so don’t even take the risk of showing up.

2. If You Do Show Up, Don’t Try.
This is critical. If you somehow mistakenly end up on the field, don’t try. Like at all. Let your co-workers run laps around you, don’t try and complete even the most basic job functions, send the message to your supporters that this week doesn’t really matter. I mean, just really put on your “f*** this job” face.

3. Remain Insistent that the University of Tennessee Will Win the National Championship.
Because how can we be Vols fans if we aren’t naming ourselves a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” every year? Duh.

The University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee reiterated the excitement of returning to action next weekend against East Tennessee State, who didn’t even have a football program five years ago.

“Can’t wait to get back on track to that National Championship,” said Volman. “Go Vols!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Next Era of Head Trauma Patients Begin Medically-Cautioned Quest for High School Popularity

August 20, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Parks & Recreation hosted its first youth football practice last week, welcoming dozens of youngsters eager to shuck off the advice of every medical professional who has ever researched American football and pursue the unlikely chance that athletic excellence may yield high school popularity.

“It’s a great day for football,” said Coach Brick Rocke. “And I mean it. The overcast sky won’t create many issues when these ten year olds get their first concussion.”

“Gotta learn some time!” Rocke added with a hearty laugh and an involuntary eye twitch earned playing college football.

Local preteens spent the day learning football fundamentals, practicing tackling technique, and writing letters to former youth football players who currently reside in the Middle Tennessee Center for Brain Trauma (totally unrelated btw).

“It’s going to be a great season,” said Jack Thompson, whose son, Gunner, plays for the twelve year old Pop Warner team. “Gunner has totally recovered from his second knee replacement and hasn’t had night tremors in a solid three months. All systems go!”

The 2018 Murfreesboro Youth Football League is sponsored by Andrew Haskins, M.D. Dr. Haskins and his team of board-licensed neurosurgeons view the sponsorship as an investment in future brain injury patients.

“We love giving back to youth sports,” said Dr. Haskins. “And these kids are gonna beat their heads in anyways, so we may as well be the first name in mind when they return to consciousness.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Prepares for Annual Tradition of Ignoring MTSU Athletics

August 15, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become a treasured pastime in Rutherford County, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced Wednesday that the City of Murfreesboro has started preparations for the 2018 season of fully and comprehensively ignoring MTSU Athletics.

“It’s that time of year again,” said Mayor McHarland to those gathered at a mid-morning press conference, holding back a smile. ” We can gather our loved ones and plan activities as if the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders simply do not exist.”

Mayor McHarland retrieved the Murfreesboro City Charter, kept in the mayor’s personal safe behind a stack of cash and a pile of unidentified white powder. The Charter incorporated the City of Murfreesboro in 1817 and included the mission behind ignoring MTSU Athletics.

Every size of citizen that we can measure
knows that ignoring MTSU is a time that we must treasure.

Murfreesboro City Charter, Paragraph 13

The crowd gathered for the press conference echoed Mayor McHarland and Councilman Shade, frequently yelling horrific obscenities such as “Roll Tide!” “War Eagle!” “Geaux Tigers!” and “Go Vols!” Despite such evidence of public indecency, no arrests have been made at this time.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders will participate in the 2018-2019 NCAA Football Season and NCAA Basketball Season. However, research has also confirmed, based upon the number of obnoxious social media posts made exclusively by fans of the University of Tennessee and the University of Alabama, that this city is once again primed to not give a single shit about Blue Raider Athletics.

“It’s a magical time of year,” said McHarland, in closing. “Cherish this time with your families and, before we know it, this season will pass and we will be ready to cheer on Kentucky Basketball.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at[email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Alabama Fans Celebrate, Expect 7,000 New Births, At Least Four Forks in Family Trees

January 9, 2018 /

WHITE TRASH, USA – The Alabama Crimson Tide won another National Championship on Monday night, defeating the University of Georgia in dramatic fashion. Trailer parks are rocking throughout America as Alabama fans celebrate another year of vicarious greatness in a destined-to-be-outlawed athletic competition.

The Alabama Department of Safety, working out of its satellite office in the Chester’s Fried Chicken facilities on Cahaba Road in Birmingham, announced that it is expecting a baby boom in the coming months, which will result from joyful championship celebration.

“We expect a significant increase in children born in approximately seven to nine months,” said Alabama Department of Safety Spokesman Joseph Durtt. “Early estimates place the boom at seven thousand new births, with sixty percent of those to be named either Nick, Saban, or Bear.”

In an equally significant estimate, Durtt announced that the family trees throughout the State of Alabama are expected to fork at least four times, the largest expansion in statewide genetic diversity in decades.

“We are thrilled,” added Durtt. “We haven’t seen this kind of celebration and excitement since they made a movie out of To Kill a Mockingbird so we could all finally understand it through them moving pictures.”

“Don’t worry,” Durtt added with a wink. “The trees are forking a couple of times, but there will still be plenty of white folks around to run things.”

Economists predict an eventual stock surge and economic windfall for Mountain Dew, used car parts vendors, anything denim, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Row Tide, y’all. Row Tide.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

UT Loses to Vanderbilt, Now Declares Itself “Champions of Yahtzee”

November 28, 2016 /

NASHVILLE, TN – The Vanderbilt Commodores defeated the Tennessee Volunteers on Saturday by a final score of 45-34. However, the most significant news story of the evening involved Head Coach Butch Jones, the Game of Life, and some self-created superlatives.

Last Monday, Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones started a firestorm when he told the media that, while the Volunteers have massively underperformed this season, his players “won the biggest championship– that’s the championship of life.”

When we talked about winning championships. They’re a champion. They’ve won the biggest championship— and that’s the championship of life.  Butch Jones, November 21, 2016.

In the days that followed, it became immensely clear that, instead of studying game film or practicing or preparing or doing football things or justifying his coaching salary in any way, Coach Jones had the Tennessee Volunteers playing hours upon hours of The Game of Life.

After the loss to Vanderbilt, Jones has made another monumental announcement, possibly putting Tennessee in position to play board games better than any senior center or ladies group in the entire Southeastern United States.

“These kids have fought so hard this season, and I’m damn proud of them,” said Jones. “They’ve worked hard enough to be more than the Champions of Life. They are now the Champions of Yahtzee.”

For his part, Jones seemed inexplicably pleased to rule the world in a game designed for eight year olds.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Board Game Research Bureau spent hours locked in a room with one box of Yahtzee and a whole lot of weed and we can confirm that this game is pretty damn easy.

Police Investigating Spike in Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans

November 3, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating a breakout of “Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans” throughout Rutherford County.

Around 11:00 p.m. last night, authorities claim that social media erupted with unprecedented fits of Cubs fandom, often from individuals who had never before posted about the Chicago Cubs.

“It’s important for the community to remain calm,” said MPD Spokesman Harry Kerry. “We are confident that these lifelong Cubs fans will soon lose interest, especially if the Cubs stop winning.”

Social media posts were often accompanied by references to curses and billy goats, which has caused authorities to label the breakout as some kind of sorcery or witchcraft.

“We aren’t taking these reports lightly,” added Kerry. “Animal sacrifice and rituals is a hot button issue in this town and we will investigate fully.”

Reports indicate that the typical Lifelong Cubs Fan is a lifelong resident of Middle Tennessee, tied to the Chicago Cubs by nothing except a television and a desire to be part of an underdog story. Lifelong Cubs Fans also often have a fabricated story from their childhood that loosely ties them to the franchise, providing an excuse for shameless bandwagon hopping.

An unnamed source in the Murfreesboro Police Department indicated that police expect the spike in Lifelong Cubs Fans to decline quickly, as Lifelong Cubs Fans turn to other sports and remember that they are also Lifelong Alabama Football Fans, Lifelong Kentucky Basketball Fans, and Lifelong Dallas Cowboys Fans.

The author of this article has looked at ESPN once and decided that he too is a Lifelong Cubs Fan. That looks like fun! Scoot on over and make room on the bandwagon, boys and girls. It’s great to cheer for a champion!

Dumpster Fire Offended by Repeated Comparisons to UT Football

October 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A dumpster fire that slowly burns near the intersection of Northwest Broad Street and Medical Center Avenue in Murfreesboro is fed up with comparisons to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.

“I’m tired of it,” said the fire. “I just want to stay here and burn, creating something that is both offensive and visually horrific, and people just keep comparing me to that team.”

The University of Tennessee declined to comment, but Head Coach Butch Jones has made repeated references to fixing this football-team-disguised-as-a-smoldering-pile-of-manure “brick by brick.”

This story is developing.

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