Category: Politics (Page 1 of 2)

Shock Report: Libertarians Oppose Tax Increase and Will Yell at You About It

June 12, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning report released by the Murfreesboro Tribune Social Media Investigations Unit, local libertarians are pretty damn pissed about a proposed tax increase and hold a 99.986% chance of yelling at you about it.

“I always thought that the liberty crowd was so friendly,” said Murfreesboro resident Ronnie Paul. “I’ve never seen any libertarian over-sharing on social media to the point of getting almost universally blocked, sharing absurd and widely-debunked conspiracy theories, decrying the two-party system, or suspiciously over-stocking a doomsday bunker. They’ve always been so kind and non-confrontational about politics.”

A field study conducted by the Tribune found the following range of responses when an unknowing citizen or unlucky social media user inadvertently engaged a libertarian about a potential tax increase:

99.986% – Libertarian Yelling
63.642% – Libertarian yells about taxes
22.381% – Libertarian yells about government in general
8.218% – Libertarian yells about the two-party system
5.745% – Libertarian yells about the rising threat of authoritarianism

0.014% – Other Libertarian Actions
0.011% – Libertarian engages in poetry slam about the welfare state
0.004% – Libertarian shares excerpt of Ron Paul themed erotic fiction

“This report confirms what we have believed for a long time,” said Tribune Reporter Ron Cato. “Individuals who share libertarian political articles and memes possess staggering odds of yelling at you about increasing taxes.”

“Be informed,” Cato added. “And be ready.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Rainstorms Threaten Hot Rod Martin’s Hair, Mayor Declares State of Emergency

February 20, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Shane “Sugar Shane” McHarland declared a City-Wide State of Emergency on Wednesday morning, citing continued rainfall and its effects on the public health.

“The City of Murfreesboro has been battered by rain for what seems like years,” Mayor McHarland told a small group of reporters this morning. “At this time, we are in need of emergency reserves to combat the weather and its effects on city employees.”

While Mayor McHarland declined to provide specifics, a source close to the City Council confirmed that the emergency declaration came shortly after Councilman Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was caught in a rainstorm during his morning commute, but did not have an umbrella for protection.

According to confidential sources, the rain pelted Martin’s signature hairstyle, threatening the overall handsomeness of the Murfreesboro City Council and forcing Mayor McHarland into action.

“We have used the emergency funds to invest in proper rain protection for all city employees, including Councilman Martin,” McHarland added after being asked for comment. “For the sake of God and country, his hair must remain undisturbed by the elements.”

This story is developing.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Council Pledged Tax Incentives, Virgin Sacrifice in Failed Amazon HQ2 Bid

November 19, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In one of the most startling stories in local politics since teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was not asked to the Murfreesboro Sadie Hawkins Dance, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered disturbing details surrounding the local bid to land Amazon’s highly-coveted “HQ2.”

“I can confirm that the city made a very competitive offer for Amazon,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland when reached for comment in his home driveway.

“I’m going to refrain from giving details at this time,” he added, as if we can’t go through his trash or personal papers.

Through an expanded investigation, which included Mayor McHarland’s trash can and the back seat of Eddie Silverman’s Dodge Stratus, the only poor bastard who left his car open, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team learned more about the city’s failed Amazon bid.

The Murfreesboro Amazon HQ 2 Bid included:

  • Tax Incentives totaling enough to buy all of the Demos’ restaurants and possibly Peter Demos himself.
  • One kidney from an unidentified donor, which could be redeemed by any member of the Amazon Board of Directors.
  • Mayor McHarland’s personal collection of Jim Varney movies, including the extremely rare “Ernest In Da Hood.”
  • At least one virgin, and possibly as many as four virgins, to be sacrificed at a time and place selected by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Notes from Silverman’s truck indicated that Silverman once read about virgin sacrifices in a TV Guide and, since TV Guide dictates much of Silverman’s policy positions, he proposed the inclusion in the final bid.

Other notes from Silverman expressed frustration that Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin failed to contribute to the virgin search, saying instead that he didn’t know any women who were virgins after their meeting. “I close deals,” Martin reportedly told Silverman. “It’s what I do.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Council Expands West, Adds “Hot Rod” Martin

August 7, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A few years back, a handful of loud and obnoxious citizens complained that the Murfreesboro City Council lacked geographical diversity in its representation.

The Murfreesboro Tribune reported on a similar lack of geographical diversity in city whore houses.

The voters of Murfreesboro listened to The Tribune this past week, electing teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin, who runs The Puckett Palace in West Murfreesboro.

“I’m thrilled to get the job,” said Martin. “Some of the finest honeys in town are from Puckett Station and now the whole city’s gonna know.”

The addition of Martin is unlikely to shut up the guys who just like to bitch about everything.

“What about Bradyville Pike?” one commenter posted on Facebook.

Uh, what about it?

“Some day everyone in this town will be represented!” wrote another.

Collectively, the pre-21st century black population is like “LOL oh you don’t have geographical representation? That sounds terrible.”

Welcome to The Show, Hot Roddie.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Report: Short-Term Rentals Responsible for 60% of Crime, Sexual Assault

January 5, 2018 /

NASHVILLE, TN – A shocking report released by the Nashville City Council on Friday revealed that short-term rentals, once a relatively unnoticed economic boon to Nashville and surrounding cities, have been found to be responsible for at least sixty percent of violent crime and sexual assault.

“We find the results of this report deeply disturbing,” said Nashville City Councilman Brian Chesky. “It is clear that short-term rentals have become a menace to this city, and we must take whatever measures possible to stop them.”

The Report revealed that short-term rental properties are relatively harmless when occupied, as the occupants in the buildings force the buildings to behave, much like when your mother walked into your room when you were on your computer— close that whack-ass porn and look up your homework!

The troubling details of the Report arose when the short-term rental properties become unoccupied. At that time, the hidden powers within the buildings awake and allow the buildings to come to life, wreaking havoc on local neighborhoods.

“We found that short-term rental properties, when left alone, often resort to violence, crime, and rampant drug use,” said Dr. Baker N. Blumfeld, who published the Report. “Often times, upon vacancy, the properties stand, uproot themselves from their foundation, and roam the streets at large, menacing nearby residents and robbing elderly women at gunpoint.”

In total, the Report found that crimes committed by short-term rental monsters accounted for sixty percent of all crime in Nashville.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to witness the violence that these properties levy upon innocent women and children. After all, this report must be true, right? It can’t just be that some bitchy citizens who claim to be inconvenienced by noise complaints would demand some peace and quiet (while living in the 24th largest city in the country, by the way) at the cost of losing millions of dollars in investment and tourism revenue for the city, right? That can’t be the case. No way.

With the only logical response being that short-term rental properties turn into living, breathing monsters when unoccupied, the Murfreesboro Tribune officially endorses the plan to limit these monsters being allowed in Middle Tennessee and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Think of the children!

Medicaid Recipient Oddly Excited About Obamacare Repeal

July 19, 2017 /

Tommy Tomilson, who has received disability for the past ten years because his bad back and “nerves,” recently expressed his excitement about the upcoming vote to rewrite parts of Obamacare.

In a Facebook post to friends and family, Tomilson said he was happy he voted for President Donald Trump and, if he lived in Kentucky, he would have voted for Mitch McConnell too because the men are “keeping their words and getting rid of that damn Obamacare.”

Tomilson seemed unclear on the potential impact to his own health insurance, adding “I’m glad I get Medicaid through the Affordable Care Act and not that piece of crap Obamacare. Thanks for nothing, Obama!”

According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Senate rewrite of the ACA will leave twenty-two million uninsured, many due to Medicaid cuts, and cause premiums to sharply increase for those over forty and anyone with a pre-existing condition.

Tomilson then started arguing with distant cousin who only communicates through HuffPost articles and Occupy Democrats memes, like a typical communist.

He ended the conversation with “Get the government out of my Medicaid! Benghazi! #MAGA”

Tomilson next posted about “RINOs” making McConnell wait until after the Fourth of July to vote on the bill in the Senate after several key votes were lost when Senators realized it must be bad when even the AARP campaigns against you.

“We elected you to repeal and replace Obamacare. Get on it!”

Tomilson was last seen shouting at the neighbor kids to get off his yard.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].

Social Media Genuinely Interested in Your Political Views

November 14, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to witness statements collected from hundreds of people you know, the entire community, and possibly the entire nation, is deeply interested in your personal political views.

“I love it,” said your Aunt Jane. “When you get online and rant about a political candidate or decide to tell me I’m an idiot if I don’t agree with you, it is so refreshing!”

Statements mentioned a number of favorite parts of your political ramblings, including news stories, YouTube videos, unproven statistics, and unfounded allegations of racism and sexism.

“I am so proud of you,” said your Mother, who you called racist last week while in the midst of a Twitter meltdown. “You take a stand and refuse to back down, even if it means torching bridges with important people in your life.”

Your employer is also solidly behind you, noting that the company is thrilled to employ someone who shows zero restraint online, as if statements posted online can’t be linked back to your profile, which has your name, picture, city, and employer.

“It’s a bold strategy,” said your employer. “But we love to see our employees out there attacking people. It shows tenacity. And a general disregard for their own reputation.”

Keep it up. You are great and the world cares about your political views!

Report: All Racism and Crime Now Donald Trump’s Fault

November 10, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a report issued by the Middle Tennessee State University Department of Important Department Titles, the election of Donald J. Trump as President of the United States has created some devastating consequences.

According to the Trump Report, the world is now faced with the sudden advent of violent crime, sexual assault, and racism, none of which existed before this election.

“I just can’t believe this,” said Kylee James, a nineteen year old Hillary Clinton supporter, who has clearly lived long enough to make a profound statement on race relations. “The police say that people are being raped and mugged every day, and my friends say that none of this occurred before Trump was elected.”

“I was walking to my car last week, and someone yelled ‘go back to Mexico!'” said Julio Rodriguez, a Central American high school student. “I’m not even Mexican, but my heart still hurts because I know that, before Trump, no one was ever racist.”

Records obtained from the Murfreesboro Police Department showed that, since the election of Donald Trump, there have been several crimes committed, including drug abuse, rape, and theft. The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that these crimes were committed after Trump was elected president, which means that these crimes were caused by him and his followers.

Many violent and racist activities are being logged by Twitter users in a collection titled “Day One in Trump America.” The collection provides a series of disturbing events that must have never happened before, including yelling racial slurs and kids getting in fights at school over racial taunting.

It is fairly clear to the Murfreesboro Tribune that none of this has ever happened before and that this is all Trump’s fault.

Please go back where you came from, Trump. This world can’t survive if people commit crime or make racist statements. Society will end as we know it.

From the Street: Voters Celebrate Historic Hillary Clinton Victory

November 9, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what analysts are calling the most celebrated election since Harold Jackson was voted Chairman of the Board of Oscar Mayer, Inc., Hillary Clinton will ride a wave of social media posts and public support on Election Night to a presumed United States Presidency.

This article is being written at 5:00 p.m. Central Time on Tuesday, as the writer of this article has a date with a bottle of Tito’s Vodka, a pack of Slim Jims, and some hanky panky with Jazminn from BackPage (she is only dancing to pay her way through college).

To celebrate this monumental milestone, which social media spheres, media pundits, and paid pollsters (who do this for a living, as their only job, by the way) have all but guaranteed, we took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about Hillary Clinton’s inevitable victory in the United States Presidential Election?

“Wow. Just wow. I’m so glad that America finally woke up and agreed with everything I say. Let’s be real. If you don’t agree with HRC or my views on this, you’re a vicious race-baiting sexist bastard who only lives on white privilege anyways. Good job, America!”
Hailey Marks, College Student

“It’s awesome! It’s so good to know that the media, pollsters, and all my friends agree that this thing is over! I’m turning off my phone for the night and I’m just going to celebrate this milestone. Nothing can stop us now! Let’s go Hillary!”
Mark Rollins, Hair Stylist

from-the-street-11“I’m just so glad that the small amount of people in this country who support Trump are getting what they deserve. Those racist, xenophobic, backwards country hicks can take the Southern states and shove it. No way that places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Florida, or Arizona support Trump. It’s over!”
Melanie Hix, Real Estate Agent

“Uhh, shouldn’t we wait a second before celebrating? What if Trump wins?”
Jake Rogers, Racist Woman-Hating Monster

 

Man Posts Impassioned Election Day Plea, Facebook Friends Completely Ignore It

November 8, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Early Tuesday morning, Mark Kendall took to Facebook to share his deep, thoughtful, provocative, and insightful analysis of the 2016 United States Presidential Election, urging his friends to avoid voting for the other side, whose candidate lacks both morality and general decency.

His Facebook friends completely ignored it.

“I’m proud of Mark for really putting himself out there,” said Loretta Kendall, Mark’s mother, who is the one person to read the post. “He is such an ambitious boy.”

Mark’s post blended emotion, compassion, anger, and urgency, creating a call to action that everyone avoided in its entirety.

“YOU have the power to shape the future of America,” the post reads. “There is no way you can vote for someone with no morals. This country won’t survive.”

Several of Mark’s Facebook friends spoke with the Tribune under strict anonymity.

Jay Barnum, a 33-year-old software designer and lifelong friend of Mark’s up until Mark finds out what he said in this interview, said that he isn’t reading the post because he already voted.

Katrina Pierce, a family friend of the Kendalls until her statement gets out to the public, said she just doesn’t know enough about the election to care.

Mark continues on in life, blissfully ignorant that the eight likes on his Facebook post were put there out of pity from people who knew that no one would read the damn thing.

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