Category: General News (Page 2 of 2)

You’re Hung Over After Christmas, But At Least Your Family Is Gone

December 26, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s December 26th, the day after Christmas, and you had one too many a hot toddy last night to be waking up this damn early.

Your spouse is still asleep because his family didn’t come into town for the holidays and he is resting peacefully without the annoyance of family drama bouncing around in his head.

Your kids are awake and playing with toys because oh-my-God that’s all they do.

And you? You’re reliving the hangovers of your younger days, making sure not to move your head, or it may not stop spinning, and physically feeling every drop of whiskey that is coursing through your veins and bouncing around in your tummy.

Every other day of the year, this would be the worst morning in history. You can’t sleep, your spouse can, you feel like your spent the night drinking forties and smoking Pall Malls, and your kids won’t shut the hell up.

But no matter how bad today may be, you can lay your head back down in peace knowing one thing: your family is gone.

To where? Who cares? They’re not in your house anymore.

So wake up, pour a bloody Mary, and get to work reassembling your house. You can throw out Uncle Jerry’s spittoon and your nephew’s food plate that he refused to throw away even after your sister told him to (that little shit).

Merry Christmas from The Murfreesboro Tribune!

Elderly Facebook User Increasingly Suspicious of Fake News Site

December 12, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Eighty-two year old Eunice Mays, described as “an avid lover of crossword puzzles,” recently joined the social networking website Facebook and may be receiving more than she bargained for.

According to family and friends, Mays is increasingly upset by offensive and outlandish content posted by her twenty-nine year old grandson, Jake Mays, much of which stems from some newspaper called The Murfreesboro Tribune.

Jake recently shared an article titled “Report: All Racism and Crime Now Donald Trump’s Fault.” A Report in the article says that Donald Trump caused all racism and Eunice knows that what the article says just isn’t true! She has been using racial slurs for a solid eighty years!

“We are a little concerned about mom,” said Tim Mays, Eunice’s son and Jake’s father. “I’ve noticed that she is posting some aggressive comments on Jake’s posts. They seem to get her a little worked up.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered multiple Facebook comments from Eunice Mays, in which she expresses skepticism about the Murfreesboro Tribune.

In one such comment, Eunice called the Murfreesboro Tribune “The Devil’s Newsletter” and repeatedly warned her grandson that the newspaper isn’t real.

“I’m not sure if this is real,” Eunice commented on an article titled “Murfreesboro Mayor: Share This Post or the City Will Execute a Puppy.”

She wrote extensively about her love for puppies, adding “I just don’t think Shane McFarland would do that!”

The Murfreesboro Tribune reached out to Eunice for comment, but she refused to speak, saying that she isn’t sure if we are real or not.

Report: No One Cares About Your Kid’s Halloween Costume

November 1, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a newly released report from the University of Tennessee, research has shown that not a single damn person cares about all those pictures of your kid’s Halloween costume.

The University of Tennessee Department of Obvious Information released the report, aptly titled the Spare Us Oh Gods of Social Media Report.

The Report makes various findings, which include:

  • Your kid is not the cutest kid in the world.
  • Your kid probably isn’t even the cutest bumblebee, tiger, piggy, bunny, puppy, kitty kat, princess, porcupine, rugby player, or drunk taxi driver at Halloween this year.
  • Your kid looks the same in the fortieth picture as he did in the first, so let’s leave those last three hundred out of the album.
  • Your spouse looks miserable. Let’s stop taking pictures and tend to your marriage.
  • No one on social media gives a shit about your kid’s pictures.
  • For every person who stops to “like” your picture on social media, approximately thirteen more think “wow this person may have a diagnosed oversharing disorder.”

Mothers on social media immediately criticized the report because, seriously, look how cute their kid is in that outfit!

Facebook Users Share Facebook Post to Stop Facebook from Gaining Info on Facebook

October 24, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Members of popular social media network Facebook have fallen for a common hoax, which asks the user to copy and paste a packaged set of mumbo jumbo words in an effort to prevent a corporate takeover of their sensitive information and cat photographs.

The ruse, in which users’ personal information is threatened to be made public due to a nonexistent change in the website’s Terms of Service, has gullible adults copying and sharing a blanket statement that denies Facebook the ability to publish details about their personal lives.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe takes to the street to ask Rutherford County citizens how they feel about the matter.

From the Street: What do you think about your friends sharing a Facebook post to protect their privacy on Facebook?

from-the-street-7“My sister fell for it, although I’m baffled as to why ‘Chatty Cathy’ is dedicated to making people think she’s concerned with security. Up until now, her rampant over sharing of the minutiae her daily life shows how incredibly insecure she is.”
Ted Daniels, Security Guard

from-the-street-5“Oh I read those posts, but I didn’t do anything because Zuckerberg is welcome to share all of my Donald Trump and inspirational Bible Verse posts to the world. What we need right now in this country is a Trump/Jesus ticket.”
Sarah Smalls, Homemaker

from-the-street-11“Did these morons not read Facebook’s Terms of Service? They should. There’s a killer recipe for Duck L’Orange on page 1,276.”
Alice B. Tokeless, Food Blogger

from-the-street-8“Back in my day, we made sure everything stayed private with a combination of duct tape, keeping our mouths shut, and burying the bodies under cover of darkness.”
Gus “The Night Shiv” Garlands, Retired Consigliere

The Rhinestone and Real Nashville News Quit Satire, Feared Dead

September 15, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what residents describe as news about things they’ve never heard of, the editors-in-chief of The Rhinestone and Real Nashville News, a pair of middling satire newspapers that inconspicuously serve Nashville and surrounding areas, have presumably quit their jobs and are feared missing or dead.

The Rhinestone last published an article on August 18, 2016, twenty-eight days prior to the publication of this article. Real Nashville News, meanwhile, last posted to its Facebook page on August 14, 2016, a staggering thirty-two days ago.

The lapse in time, during which time the RMS Titanic could have crossed the Atlantic on six different occasions and still had time to sink to the bottom of the ocean, has the three people who know about these publications worried that tragedy may have struck two previously unknown D-List writers.

One Rhinestone reader speculated that the two writers went on The Bachelor, like every other radio host or dick specialist in Nashville. Another opined that the two bought a new house on a site where a historic home had been recently bulldozed, crammed into the space with four others, and were forced to work paid jobs to keep up with the Nashville Joneses.

Of course, it is possible that both authors went on vacation, despite being absent long enough for Al Roker to run a marathon 107 times (and he is sixty-two!). Such a vacation would be expected from these two likely junior college educated journalists.

The author of this article is not concerned. Some men can take heat. Some can’t. Others, like these two bitches, can’t take some pretty handsome competition just a stone’s throw down I-24.

The door is open, ladies. Taking all comers.

But seriously. Come back. We have had enough time to watch the entire Godfather trilogy over eighty four times and we still hate The Godfather Part III. Hot chicken shits simply can’t be this debilitating.

Murfreesboro Tribune Adds Beat Reporter Eddie Poe

August 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – At a press conference on Wednesday, the Murfreesboro Tribune announced the hiring of Beat Reporter Eddie Poe. The addition is being hailed by someone as “the most critical hire since the Continental Congress named George Washington Commander in Chief of the Continental Army.”

Poe is a native of Boston, by way of Baltimore. He studied at the University of Virginia and the United States Military Academy and most recently spent one hundred and sixty-seven years at the prestigious Westminster Hall in Baltimore.

Murfreesboro Tribune Founder, President, Editor, CEO, Catering Manager, and Marketing Director Sam Clemens praised Poe as an accomplished writer and an exceptional drunk, which Clemens claims will make Poe a valued addition to the Tribune.

“Not everyone can write fake news,” said Clemens. “It takes a special kind of person to create a pseudonym and skewer local news and events, all while living in your mother’s basement.”

At this point in the press conference, Clemens welcomed questions from the press, but the press just kept making pancakes. By the press, we mean Sam’s mother, who was the only attendee at the press conference, which was called in her kitchen while Sam ate breakfast.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter is a new position at the Tribune. Clemens announced that the Beat Reporter will likely cover local news, local events, and other pressing issues, including what kind of nachos taste the best when high on PCP and how to sleep your way to a Tribbies Award.

You can reach Eddie Poe at [email protected].

Satire Newspaper Reaches 500 Facebook Likes, Community Fails to Notice

July 13, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Tuesday, the Murfreesboro Tribune, hailed as the beacon of truth and freedom in Rutherford County, Tennessee, reached 500 Likes on Facebook.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to find out how the community responded to this monumental milestone.

What do you think about the Murfreesboro Tribune reaching 500 Likes on Facebook?

Veteran

“The Murfreesboro what?”
Kris Hooper, Army Veteran.

 

Retired Teacher

“Is that the site with all the cat pictures? The guy who writes it seems so sad and alone.”
Elle Budreaux, Retired Teacher.

 

Hipster 2

“That site is dope, but it’s a little too popular now. I was in before it got big”
Atticus Jones, Hipster Douchebag.

 

Clemens“What incredible news! This is the best news source in Murfreesboro!”
Sam Clemens, Writer.

Dancing, Alcohol Erupt at Church of Christ Wedding

April 18, 2016 /

LASCASSAS, TN – On Saturday, John and Sarah Covington exchanged vows at North Point Stables in Lascassas, Tennessee. Michael Covington, the father of the bride, serves as an elder at a local Church of Christ; his wife, Jane, leads the ladies’ small group that meets on Wednesday nights.

Wedding guests were treated to a beautiful ceremony at the rustic barn on the premises; however, reports of dancing and alcohol at the reception that followed left many attendees in shock.

Around 8:00 p.m., one witness observed members of the bridal party pouring unknown liquids into the wedding punch, which was later served to reception guests.

It is unclear how long the event lasted, but unnamed witnesses confirmed the presence of alcohol, dancing, and other lewd behavior at the reception. “It was like Catholic Mass,” said one guest, who wished to remain anonymous. “Everybody was drunk and no one seemed to care.”

“It was like a warzone,” said Edith Smith, the congregation gossip. “I’ve seen the devil’s nectar before. I’ve stared down gin, vodka, and all the tools of the anti-Christ.”

“I’ve seen this story before,” her husband, Franklin, interrupted. “The kids start playing with fire water and all hell breaks loose. Fire water!” Mr. Smith proceeded to ramble at length about the troubles posed by a kitchen in the church building.

Joan Griffith, a guest from another congregation, seemed unsurprised. “It is truly disappointing,” she remarked. “But I can’t say I’m surprised. That church has had a woman on their praise team for several months now, and I think we all know where that road leads.”

The Covington family declined to comment on the incident.

Reporting That Matters

April 11, 2016 /

At The Murfreesboro Tribune, our focus is to report on hard-hitting news that matters to Murfreesboro and all of Rutherford County. To that end, we want to hear from you!

Whether it’s the local sports championships or that one guy who follows you around the grocery store muttering racial slurs, we want to report on events that matter!

If you have an event that needs to be covered, an idea for investigation or publication, or just a general comment about the decay of society, please reach out to our editorial staff at [email protected].

The Murfreesboro Tribune: Reporting That Matters.

Murfreesboro Tribune Founded

April 4, 2016 /

Murfreesboro and Rutherford County are abuzz this April, as The Murfreesboro Tribune prepares to publish its first article. The Murfreesboro Tribune is a periodical that emphasizes detailed reporting on local news.

“The goal of the Murfreesboro Tribune is to focus on stories that matter to Murfreesboro residents,” says Tribune Founder Sam Clemens. “The local newspapers often miss the mark in this regard, and The Tribune plans to provide a much-needed service to this community.”

Potential readers and prospective advertisers are encouraged to contact The Tribune through the information provided on this website and to bookmark this page, and check back regularly, for hard-hitting news.

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