Category: Crime (Page 3 of 3)

Organic Meth Lab Discovered Under Sprouts Parking Lot

August 12, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Organic enthusiasts in Rutherford County have more to celebrate at the new Sprouts Farmers Market in Murfreesboro than farm-grown quinoa and foraged kimchi.

After authorities in Amherst, New York, recently unearthed an active meth lab in a culvert that runs beneath a Walmart parking lot, local organic advocates made an entrepreneurial play of their own.

On Friday, in what appears to be an effort to outdo the soulless corporatism of Great Value fanatics (who now want to corner even the methamphetamine market), local police discovered an organic meth lab operating under Sprouts parking lot.

The response from the community has been mixed. Most citizens recognize that methamphetamine is pretty bad. What about that one jackass at the coffee shop who won’t shut up about his vegan cookie recipes? He’s all for it. It’s organic!

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team reached out to customers at Sprouts Farmers Market for input.

“Non-organic things kill you,” said Juniper Blossom, a mystic from Smyrna, who casually glossed over the dangerous and explosive nature of an active meth lab. “Watching these people commit to a healthy lifestyle of organic and non-GMO methamphetamine is inspiring.”

Willow Dawson, who currently studies gypsy fashion at Middle Tennessee State University, passed the meth lab on her way to purchase locally sourced, fair trade, gluten-free kale chips, and offered mixed sentiments.

“I’ve never tried meth,” said Dawson, “but I’m proud of these people for choosing organic.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department declined to comment on whether or not the architects of the organic meth lab will be given preferential treatment for preparing their goods in a manner that your relative who you didn’t ask for any advice will tell you is the right way to live.

Crime Brief: Police Arrest Another Black Guy

July 11, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – On Monday, police responded to a report of suspicious activity on the 400 block of North Academy Street in Murfreesboro and ultimately arrested Antwan Carrigan, a black guy standing nearby who didn’t do much except be born with dark skin.

Witnesses say that police arrived at a residence on North Academy Street only to find cheerful white people who were probably law-abiding citizens. Officers shook hands with the white residents and wished them a great day.

Upon leaving the residence, police encountered Carrigan walking down the sidewalk as if he had a right to just stroll around town as a black guy without unwanted police interaction.

“Officer James Crow and I noticed a dark-skinned male, which matches the description of our typical arrestee, walking across the street,” Murfreesboro Police Department Officer Robert Lee later wrote in his report. “We approached the suspect with weapons drawn because, let’s be honest, we were going to arrest him for something.”

According to the Murfreesboro Police Department, Carrigan is the three hundredth black guy arrested in Murfreesboro in the month of July, which earned Officers Crow and Lee an ice cream party at MPD Headquarters.

Despite an excellent rate of arresting men who haven’t done anything except be visibly different than white people, not everyone at the Department is upbeat.

“It’s not good enough,” said MPD Spokesman Stone Jackson. “Every day, this city is full of black guys that, if we follow long enough, are bound to commit some sort of trivial crime, and those guys need to know that the law makes no exceptions unless you’re white.”

As of the time this article goes to print, Carrigan sits in the Rutherford County Jail on a $4,000 bond, which would require an entire week of work to post. Meanwhile, six wealthy white people have been booked on serious charges and have bonded out into the community.

Bob Darnold

Likely Felon Bob Darnold Just Keeps Acting Like Nothing Happened

June 30, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO – Rutherford County Constable and likely future felon Bob Darnold reported to work on Thursday whistling his favorite Nickelback jam, seemingly unaware of an impending federal criminal trial that is poised to strip Darnold of his most basic civil liberties.

“I’m not really sure what the big deal is,” said Darnold, who, in just a mere matter of months, will no longer be able to even sit for jury duty. “I think everyone will just forget about all this stuff if I pretend like it never happened.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department arrested Darnold in May, capping a months-long investigation into what some have called the most obvious criminal conduct since Tony “Scooter” Jackson drunkenly drove a carnival bumper car down Broad Street during rush hour.

Darnold, who will be ineligible to vote, even for himself, after his upcoming felony convictions, has appeared inexplicably confident in his continued employment, despite a titanic amount of evidence of flagrant official misconduct.

“The voters of this county trust me to do my job,” Darnold lied to himself, resting his hand on his firearm, which federal law will soon prevent him from possessing.

“I’m going to continue working because I’d hate for the taxpayers to pay my salary for nothing,” he added, glossing over the past six years, during which the taxpayers paid his salary for absolutely nothing.

The trial for Darnold is currently set for August 2, which leaves Darnold a touch under five weeks until federal law permanently bans him from voting, sitting on a jury, possessing a firearm, or serving in the Armed Forces, among other penalties.

Darnold declined to comment further, saying he needed to attend the County Commission meeting to personally witness the Commission further cut his resources in an effort to limit the amount of damage that he can inflict upon the county prior to his conviction and removal from office.

Constable Bob Darnold

Man Who Didn’t Follow Law Will Not Resign as Law Following Enforcer

May 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Embattled Rutherford County Constable Bob Darnold issued a message to his lone supporter on Monday, emphasizing that he has no intention of resigning his position in crime prevention.

“I want to thank my supporter,” said Darnold. “And by that I mean the one person out there who still has faith in me to do this job. I don’t know his name, but there’s gotta be at least one out there, right?”

Darnold was indicted on Friday, May 27, 2016, on thirteen charges, including bribery, extortion, and selecting a haircut with reckless disregard for male pattern baldness.

Darnold oversees the Rutherford County Constables Division, the largest law enforcement agency in Rutherford County. Through extensive investigation, the Tribune Investigative Team discovered that one of the tasks assigned to the Rutherford County Constables Division is crime prevention.

Merriam-Webster defines “crime” as:

An act or the commission of an act that is forbidden or the omission of a duty that is commanded by a public law and that makes the offender liable to punishment by that law.

Having been alive for more than seven months, the Tribune Investigative Team can safely conclude that Constable Darnold committed some pretty serious Merriam-Websters in the not-so-distant past.

A spokesman for Rutherford County declined to comment on how in the name of Sam Hill the same person can sit under federal indictment but approve the arrest of that random black kid for having a quarter ounce of weed in his pocket.

The Tribune Investigative Team further researched how a person can both commit crimes and prevent crimes at the same time. After hours of experimental drug use, followed by some attempted citizen arrests for minor traffic infractions, the Investigative Team found that committing crime without any consequence is pretty great. Thumbs up, Constable Darnold!

Murfreesboro Arrest

Local Man Stunned that Flagrant Criminal Conduct Leads to Arrest

May 27, 2016 /

The Murfreesboro Police Department arrested Bob Darnold Friday, capping a months-long investigation into alleged misconduct by Darnold and his friend Joey “Slick” Tussell.

Darnold appeared surprised at his arrest, expressing confusion as to how several months of repeated public misconduct had caught the attention of local authorities.

Authorities began investigating Darnold and Tussell in 2014, when Darnold draped a banner outside of his employment that said “Don’t Worry Police. We Aren’t Breaking the Law.” In early 2015, Darnold hung another banner below that reads “No Seriously, Nothing to See Here.”

On Friday, the investigation concluded with the arrest of Darnold and Tussell, ending what law enforcement said was the most flagrant criminal conduct in this county since Tipp DeVeer left behind a signed apology after live tweeting his escape from the Rutherford County Jail in 2013.

“This one wasn’t that hard,” said Detective Jenkins Jones. “My six year old daughter figured this out. My four year old son figured this out. I think my dog could have cracked this case.”

Asked for comment, Darnold remained insistent that he did not know how the allegations came to light.

“We broke the law a few times, sure,” said Darnold. “But when the investigation started, we did all the right things: we lied, we covered up, we even made false statements to the media. I don’t understand how this kind of thing gets us arrested.”

Legal experts noted that the arrest likely stemmed from repeated and obvious misconduct that was committed publicly, without shame, and on a massive scale.

MPD Child Arrests

MPD Breaks Up Children’s Crime Syndicate

April 25, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Sunday, the Murfreesboro Police Department arrested at least six children, the alleged kingpins in a heroin smuggling ring in local schools, in pre-dawn raids throughout central Murfreesboro. The raids are the latest event in an ongoing crackdown on child criminals in Murfreesboro.

Earlier this month, police arrested at least five students, ages six to ten, at Hobgood Elementary School. Despite criticism, the MPD stood by its conduct, calling the arrests “a learning experience” and citing the inevitable boost for local mental health professionals, as each arrested child would likely to need extensive counseling and therapy for the rest of their life.

Last week, the MPD received an anonymous tip that an organization of eight year old children, known as The League of Make-Believe, were trafficking heroin and other hard drugs into Rutherford County Elementary Schools. The smuggling ring’s method of operation involved packaging drugs in Lunchables, Nerf ammunition, and other contraband.

Police acted swiftly with the information, setting up home raids to key figures in the childhood cartel, despite the fact that several of the alleged key players were not even old enough to legally ride a number of amusement park attractions.

“It’s becoming increasingly clear that the children in this community are criminal masterminds,” said MPD Detective Fred Rogers. “When we have information that one of these children has done something wrong, the Department believes that it is better to arrest first and ask questions later.”

Officer John Trolley was present for the raids on Sunday. “I took an American Girl Doll from one girl’s hands and stared into her eyes,” said Trolley. “At that moment, I knew these kids were pure evil.”

Eight other children, many of which have not yet been taught their multiplication tables, were arrested Monday morning at their respective schools. Each was allowed to bring a favorite stuffed animal to prison.

MPD Spokesman Jay McFeely confirmed that, given the choice between arresting a young child at home or handcuffing the child at school, the MPD prefers to parade the children to jail in front of teachers and friends.

“We are dealing with hardened criminals,” said McFeely. “These arrests should be public and should serve as an example to others.”

Anyone with information about other kids that the police can arrest and publicly shame is encouraged to contact the Murfreesboro Police Department at (615) 555-8900.

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