Category: Crime (Page 1 of 3)

Flawed People Upset That Flawed Person Now Lives in City Full of Flawed People

September 9, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune has learned that a person once charged with murder, and widely believed to have committed that murder, has moved to town— and a whole lotta people on the internet are torn up about it. 

“This must be serious,” said one commenter. “I’ve never seen catty women senselessly ripping each other apart on the internet over trivial things.”

These good citizens want you to know that they are not ok with a bad person living here, despite the fact that this town is already full of people who routinely mistreat other people. Why not? Well, that depends. The comments are as unique as the commenters. 

“She did something bad!” Crystal Metheny commented. “We can’t have someone who has done bad things living here!” Ms. McEwen subsequently declined to comment on her four past extramarital affairs, two failed marriages, and two pending DUI charges. “This isn’t about me,” she snapped. “It’s about the bad person.”

“You can learn a lot about someone based on their past,” Natalie Bedord Forrest added. However, when asked about her own family past, which is littered with slavery, segregation, and racism, Hedley quickly pivoted. “The past doesn’t have to define you,” she added, nervously glancing around the room. “Except for this woman— she deserves every bit of hate she gets.”

At the time of press, social media users remain collectively sharpening their keyboard pitchforks, nestled comfortably within the confines of home internet but ready to throw rocks inside of a glass house. Once this story dies down, these folks will undoubtedly pivot to the next story that allows them to express faux outrage, never quite addressing the undercurrent of hate rippling through their everyday lives.

The Murfreesboro Tribune has confirmed that, while these commenters like to think that their words don’t stink, if you lean a little closer, those roses really smell like boo-boo-ooh. 

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Patron Would Rather Take Bullet Than Stay at Whiskey Dix Any Longer, a Little Dramatic But We All Get It

February 17, 2020 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In the early hours of Sunday morning, after a Saturday evening filled with shitty beer, line dancing, twerking(?), and a pleasant mixture of white trash, sorority girls, and those awkward middle aged people who all have DUIs but keep showing up to college bars every weekend anyways, Bob Zurowsky decided he had had enough of Whiskey Dix.

Around 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning, Zurowsky finished a Natty Light and pulled his nickel Smith & Wesson Model 10 out of his waist band, deciding that the quickest way to get the hell out of the bar was to take measures into his own hands.

“I had asked my friend Marshall two or three times to leave,” said Zurowsky, resting in his hospital bed, appearing nervous, but calm and ready. “He was locked into these $2 jello shooters and I couldn’t get him away.”

At some point, Zurowsky, possibly lost in the music, pulled the gun from his waist band and the gun immediately discharged into his own leg.

“It was like magic,” Zurowsky recalled. “All of the sudden, everyone helped get me out of the bar. It was like my own personal panic button.”

A brief canvass of fellow patrons confirmed that we all pretty much get it: there isn’t much we wouldn’t do to get the hell out of Whiskey Dix on a Saturday night.

“Look, if you had one shot to seize everything you ever wanted, would you capture it?” Zurowsky asked of himself,” or would you let it slip?”

It appears Zurowsky decided to capture it.

As of the time this article is written, the investigation into the shooting is ongoing. We have already drawn our conclusions, and are unlikely to change those conclusions, but this is America so keep investigating.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Police Investigate Bank Robbery, Crimes Against Fashion

September 18, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A man dressed in a pinstripe suit wearing a fedora robbed the US Bank on Old Fort Parkway on Monday afternoon. The Murfreesboro Police are investigating the incident as at least two separate criminal offenses: Robbery with a Deadly Weapon and High Crimes Against Fashion.

“The real crime here is that fedora,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Jacynn Mraz. “We understand that a bank was robbed, but, even worse than the robbery itself, we are dealing with the emotional devastation from the tellers, employees, and other customers having to look at that hat.”

“I mean, what was he thinking?” Mraz added in disbelief.

According to police reports, the suspect entered the US Bank at Old Fort Parkway and passed the teller a note demanding money. The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team obtained a copy of the note, which read:

Hey Bank Teller. Give me all your money. I have a gun. Also, sorry about this fucking hat. It’s all that I had left in my mom’s basement. Also, if you have time, I play bass in a Blues Traveler cover band and we have a show Friday. HMU on Facebook.

“We know that our job is to protect the public from enemies both foreign and domestic,” said Mraz. “We are determined to find the man who committed this sartorial terrorism and bringing him to justice.”

As of the time this article is written, no arrests have been made.

We will be at the show Friday to see if this madman shows himself.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Taxpayers Pretty Excited About Paying for Lip Sync Battle

August 14, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last week, the Murfreesboro Police Department and Murfreesboro Fire Department released a Lip Sync Challenge Video, a riveting addition to the peaked-weeks-ago law enforcement viral challenge performed entirely by city employees who are paid through your generous, even if forced, tax contributions.

Citing “numerous requests on social media,” including requests from the Captain, the Sergeant, and McGruff the Crime Dog, the fully-publicly-funded departments hastily launched an ill-advised voyage into low budget cinematography.

“We might have been a little late to the game,” said Police Department Spokeswoman Melinda Knight Shyamalan, “but I think the public will see that it was well worth the wait.”

“We all agreed that this video production was much more important than fighting crime or serving the public good,” Shyamalan added, echoing taxpayer praise for the practical equivalent of a summer camp skit being performed with public resources.

City employees, whose wages are paid entirely through mandatory citizen taxes and the sweet mercy of the Lord, collaborated with country rapper Big Smo “to add a WOW factor,” according to Shyamalan.

“We wanted a celebrity,” said Fire Department Media Strategist Martina Scorsese. “But not just any celebrity. We wanted someone that ninety-six percent of the country would have to google to figure out who the hell he even is.”

The finished product, hailed as “the whitest thing since Prairie Home Companion,” features enough head nodding and awkward thrusting to sufficiently piss off the preacher from Footloose.

The Murfreesboro Tribune obtained a leaked copy of the directorial notes, which instructed city employees to “nod along like you’re at a middle school dance” and “try and act like your one black friend.”

“I think it’s hilarious,” said Nora Jennings, whose trailer on Tennessee Boulevard burned to the ground while fire trucks were being used across town to lift an obscure country rapper and his matching flag off the ground.

“Definitely worth it,” Jennings wheezed between smoke-filled coughs.

At the time this article is written, Shyamalan and Scorsese hinted that the departments may collaborate on a Harlem Shake video next to show how cool and topical and hip they are.

“But only if we can do it on the clock,” Scorsese added with a wink.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Says a Serial Killer is in Murfreesboro so Goodbye World

March 16, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO – Well, there’s a serial killer on the loose, so it looks like we are all pretty much done for. Several recent Facebook posts convincingly prove that a serial killer is stalking Murfreesboro, leaving a wake of disappearances and dead bodies in his/her/hir/its/their wake.

At least one citizen reached out to local law enforcement and was stunned to learn that law enforcement had already investigated each incident (what?) and found that the incidents were entirely unrelated (WHAT?).

Three thousand other citizens just shared the damn post on social media and ran to the safe room of their home for protection.

At least one media outlet is recklessly reporting that reports of a serial killer are false. When we all die a violent, murderous, and potentially arousing death, let’s all remember that the media lied to you and caused your death.

Here at The Tribune, we have the utmost faith in social media vagaries, so we are left to conclude that a serial killer is loose and we are all completely and hopelessly fucked.

Since we are all going to die a violent death anyways, we have nothing to lose, so here is a list of people and/or things that we don’t like:

  • Mustard
  • People who wear capes
  • Mayor McHarland (I’ve written you like six letters, Sugar Shane. A response wouldn’t kill you.)
  • The films of Wes Anderson
  • Others who chew food loudly
  • Frat guys
  • Natty Light
  • Frat guys holding Natty Light
  • Vaping
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the elevator
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the checkout line
  • Loud cell phone talkers anywhere, really
  • Literally misusing the word literally
  • The Asian guy in front of me at airport security EVERY TIME
  • Vegans who talk about being vegans
  • Vegans who talk to anyone
  • All vegans
  • Real Nashville News
  • Circus peanuts candy

Goodbye world. It’s been a hell of a run.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

War on Gummies Ends, Parents Fear Return of Dangerous CBD Gummies

February 28, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke Wednesday that the Rutherford County District Attorney is dismissing all charges in Operation Candy Crush, a reckless and dangerous decision that will propel thousands of CBD products, including CBD gummies, back to the streets of Murfreesboro and into the waiting hands of our sweet innocent children.

“The Tennessee Bureau of Investigations is no longer willing to testify that the CBD gummies are a Schedule VI substance,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “You know, because they never really were illegal drugs in the first place. So we have no choice but to dismiss these charges.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we take violent and dangerous drug offenses very seriously and we share the concern expressed by tens of people that these CBD oils are being returned to the streets, where they may be harmlessly ingested by children.

Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to discover what you think about these hard drugs being recklessly returned to the junkies and addicts in Murfreesboro.

From the Street: Are you concerned that dangerous candies, pretty much as dangerous as heroin and crack cocaine, are being returned to the slums of Murfreesboro?

I am shocked and appalled. Think of the children! I don’t care that these products are already legal and that the medical community agrees to certain benefits. We need to get this dope under control.
Karen Duchenne, Housewife

I don’t understand. How the hell could our conservative elected officials be wrong on drug policy? I was promised that if we just make everything illegal then all these brown people will get their shit together and drugs will go away. Fox News can’t be wrong! 
Dick Hurts, Mortgage Banker

This world is going to hell and this generation will ruin everything. I’m tired of it. Hell, let’s just let these drugs kill some kids. Then they’ll get the lesson. 
Abe Jenkins, Retired Mechanic

I’ve been using heroin for years and I’m pretty excited that an even harder drug is now available. At least, that’s what my Republican friends told me. This stuff is like “let’s jump off a roof” kinda high, right? I’m in.
Elijah Brewster, Unemployed 

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Psych! Sheriff Hosts Punk’d Episode with Local Business Owners

February 27, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office revealed Tuesday morning that Operation Candy Crush, which includes the comically ill-fated misadventures of a local sheriff and district attorney who fail to understand basic hemp processing, is actually part of the pilot of a local hidden camera prank show similar to MTV’s Punk’d.

The announcement came the day after media outlets reported that charges may be dismissed against store owners in the ongoing War on Gummies.

“We can’t wait to release this footage,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “When you see how horrifically ham-handed our treatment of relatively innocuous CBD candies looks on tape, you’ll agree that this shit is hilarious.”

“We promise this has been the plan all along, so let’s just cut out all this lawsuit talk,” he added, trailing off nervously.

Sheriff Putzhugh announced that Operation Candy Crush will span the first two episodes of the new hidden camera series, aptly titled This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement.

“I’m just glad to be part of the production,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “Honestly, I’ve thought that these guys are hilarious for years. They’re like that little train that keeps on chugging up the mountain. One day, the little train just loses steam and plunges back downhill, erupting into a flame of high crimes and misdemeanors.”

According to the production team, future episodes of This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement will include such family-friendly hijinks as police brutality, falsification of immigration documents, and public corruption.

“It’s gonna be hilarious,” added Sheriff Putzhugh. “We cannot emphasize enough that our officers are not actually this incompetent. This is all done for the sake of comedy.”

At the time this article is published, Sheriff Putzhugh sat in his office working desperately to convince himself that he is telling at least partial truths.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Police Crack Down on CBD Oil, to Worry About Opioids Later

February 12, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as the largest drug crackdown on the District Attorney’s chalkboard to-do list, authorities padlocked twenty-three stores in Rutherford County on Monday accused of selling products containing Cannabidiol, also known as CBD, a canniboid oil that is moderately more mind-altering than your typical over-the-counter pain medicine.

Just last month, Governor Haslam unveiled a $30 Million plan to combat the opioid crisis in Tennessee, but Rutherford County law enforcement authorities were smart enough to realize that Tennessee already has its opioid epidemic completely under control, choosing instead to focus its efforts on preventing the spread of low-THC candies.

“This is a landmark day for law enforcement,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “We are here to send a message that, despite the fact that opioids are ravaging our communities, our priority is to prevent the spread of a little-known and rarely-used hemp oil that is pretty damn legal in a pretty damn good number of places.”

“He’s right,” echoed District Attorney Abraham Lincoln, conspicuously missing his signature top hat. “The courts are here to ensure that those targeted by law enforcement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and the law is here to ensure that those targeted will be those selling an oil that most people had to f***ing Google to even know what it is.”

Lincoln’s statement is supported by a recent Murfreesboro Tribune survey, which revealed that zero percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers could properly articulate what CBD even stood for without polling the audience of phoning a friend, despite one hundred percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers having a personal connection to the opioid crisis.

Law enforcement officials emphasized that the seized CBD products will be taken off the street for good.

“It’s negligible whether these oils even get you high,” said Sheriff Putzhugh, popping a CBD candy into his mouth. “But they’re damn delicious, and we are going to make sure that these gummies will be stored into evidence and served at the Annual Office Christmas Party.”

In the time it took to write this article, another Tennessee citizen likely died from an opioid overdose. But, sure, let’s get out there and stop those CBD gummies from destroying our communities.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Report: Short-Term Rentals Responsible for 60% of Crime, Sexual Assault

January 5, 2018 /

NASHVILLE, TN – A shocking report released by the Nashville City Council on Friday revealed that short-term rentals, once a relatively unnoticed economic boon to Nashville and surrounding cities, have been found to be responsible for at least sixty percent of violent crime and sexual assault.

“We find the results of this report deeply disturbing,” said Nashville City Councilman Brian Chesky. “It is clear that short-term rentals have become a menace to this city, and we must take whatever measures possible to stop them.”

The Report revealed that short-term rental properties are relatively harmless when occupied, as the occupants in the buildings force the buildings to behave, much like when your mother walked into your room when you were on your computer— close that whack-ass porn and look up your homework!

The troubling details of the Report arose when the short-term rental properties become unoccupied. At that time, the hidden powers within the buildings awake and allow the buildings to come to life, wreaking havoc on local neighborhoods.

“We found that short-term rental properties, when left alone, often resort to violence, crime, and rampant drug use,” said Dr. Baker N. Blumfeld, who published the Report. “Often times, upon vacancy, the properties stand, uproot themselves from their foundation, and roam the streets at large, menacing nearby residents and robbing elderly women at gunpoint.”

In total, the Report found that crimes committed by short-term rental monsters accounted for sixty percent of all crime in Nashville.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to witness the violence that these properties levy upon innocent women and children. After all, this report must be true, right? It can’t just be that some bitchy citizens who claim to be inconvenienced by noise complaints would demand some peace and quiet (while living in the 24th largest city in the country, by the way) at the cost of losing millions of dollars in investment and tourism revenue for the city, right? That can’t be the case. No way.

With the only logical response being that short-term rental properties turn into living, breathing monsters when unoccupied, the Murfreesboro Tribune officially endorses the plan to limit these monsters being allowed in Middle Tennessee and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Think of the children!

Ex-Sheriff Bob Darnold Sent to 5-Star Hotel to Serve Prison Sentence

July 31, 2017 /

CLUB FED ALL-INCLUSIVE, BAHAMAS – As reported by local news affiliates that we steal stuff from, Ex-Sheriff and convicted felon Bob Darnold has been moved to a minimum security federal prison in the Caribbean called “Club Fed” following complaints by his mother that jail is hard.

The Murfreesboro Tribune sent Female Reporter Nell E. Bly undercover to the five-star resort prison to find the truth about the harshness of federal prison.

“Club Fed was a lot like Orange is the New Black, but without the hot lesbian action,” said Bly upon her return, seated comfortably wearing a crocheted Afghan with her skin glowing from a tan and her hair in small braids.

Darnold pled guilty earlier this year to charges of running a nicotine-based drug ring at the county jail. He was sentenced to four years in prison and ordered to pay $2.00 in restitution.

Earlier this year, Darnold’s mother, Jeanette Keyeez, complained to prison officials that her son, a federal prisoner, was actually being treated like a federal prisoner.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” Keyeez wrote back in January, as if prison should take place in a Caribbean paradise.

Well now, after much hard work from Keyeez, and after the federal authorities realized that Darnold didn’t commit a violent offense, such as murder or selling some weed out of the back of your truck, Darnold is spending his prison time in Club Fed, an actual Caribbean paradise.

“The club has a music room, pool tables, a fitness center and even a nude beach where prisoners can relax and work on their tans,” Bly reported. “The only thing that made it look like a jail was the razor wire and sharks guarding the lagoon.”

“But it looks more like a golf course or a country club with its manicured lawns than a prison,” Bly added, which stands in stark contrast to the bread-and-water, mold-filled, windowless, brick- block monstrosity where jailed inmates are held in Rutherford County.

Thanks to federal sentencing guidelines, which make an awful lot of sense, Darnold could be out as early as next month for good behavior. But as nice as this prison is, he might want to stay there as long as possible.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].

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