Category: Business (Page 3 of 3)

Murfreesboro Meth Hotel

Business Brief: Meth Café to Open at Murfreesboro Motel

May 16, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Harold and Diane Massey believe in selling a product that the customer wants, which inspired the couple to open the first full-service methamphetamine restaurant in Tennessee. The Masseys will open their unique restaurant, the Meth Stop, at the Knights Inn in Murfreesboro.

“When you look at the demographics of this area, it’s clear that this community loves meth,” said Harold. “I can’t remember the exact numbers, but there were something like eight thousand meth arrests within a square mile of this place last year.”

The Knights Inn, which is located on South Church Street in Murfreesboro, is a local hotspot for drug use, police activity, and fans of hobo fight clubs.

“This place is the portrait of meth use,” said Harold Massey, waving his hand toward the Knights Inn. “We just hope that we can provide enough methamphetamine to keep up with the high demand in this neighborhood.”

According to police reports, the Murfreesboro Police Department was called to the Knights Inn for 3,721 methamphetamine related offenses in the past year, an average of over ten calls per day. The Regal Inn, which is across the street from the Knights Inn, witnessed a paltry 2,855 reports of methamphetamine production.

“That was the determining factor,” said Diane Massey. “We thought about opening the restaurant at the Regal Inn, but it just wasn’t infested with rampant poverty and meth use like the other locations we looked at.”

Other locations considered by the Masseys included the Jackson Motel, the Murfreesboro Motel, and stall three in the women’s restroom at Shoney’s.

The Meth Stop will be open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, serving American fare with a Southern twist. VIP trailers will be available for a more private meth experience. For more information, contact [email protected].

Transgender Restrooms

Murfreesboro Store Solves Transgender Bathroom Issue, Introduces Genital Checker

May 3, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – For eighty-seven years, the Hammond General Store has served Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Now, the store will provide customers with a first-of-its-kind experience: a Genital Checker, who will ensure that customers use only the proper bathroom at the store.

The new position comes on the heels of a national discussion on restroom use. Several prominent businesses, including Target, have faced significant backlash after allowing customers to use whichever bathroom they identify with.

“I think we all know that, prior to this year, every single person in the world only used the bathroom for whatever they were born with,” said store owner Jimmy Hammond. “But now that people are talking about it, we need some rules that are going to stop this disgusting thing that none of us really knew about in the first place.”

Critics of rules about restroom use have said that such rules will be difficult, if not impossible, to enforce. However, the Hammonds are not concerned about such difficulties.

“I know a man when I see one,” said Hammond. “And if I can’t tell, then we came up with a pretty easy way to find out. We can just have a look at your naughty bits.”

According to Hammond, the Genital Checker will be a Hammond Store employee designated to personally inspect the fun parts of any customer attempting to use the restroom on store premises.

Prior to entering the restroom, customers must step into a screening area, drop their pants, and allow the Genital Checker to inspect their dog and pony show.

“Honestly, this is about the only way we could think of to enforce the bathroom rules,” said Hammond. “Our employees need to get into your pants to make this work. Plain and simple.”

The Hammonds want to be sensitive to all customers, so they provide an outhouse for the oversensitive people who would prefer to keep their privates private.

“We’re a family business, after all,” said Hammond. “We’re just trying to let people use the bathroom how the good Lord intended.”

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