Category: Business (Page 2 of 3)

CVS Lot Sells for $4M, or 578,428 Bottles of Sudafed to Make Meth

December 7, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to local property tax records, the lot containing the CVS Pharmacy on Southeast Broad Street has been purchased for $4 million dollars.

When asked, most regulars at CVS were surprised to learn of the sale price, commenting about how much cough medicine they could buy at that price. Apparently, most folks shopping at CVS suffer from severe sinus congestion.

To find out what the community thinks of the recent sale, Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about the CVS Lot selling for $4 Million?

from-the-street-20
“I finally drank enough $2 High Life tallboys at the Wagon Wheel for Shirley and the boys to expand?”
Axel “Gearhead” Grimes, Local Hell’s Angel

 

from-the-street-23
“$4 million? That’s cute. Call me on when they sell to Fred’s for $66 Million. I’ll be on my private island.”
Dick Sain, Former Pharmacist and Milkshake Salesman

from-the-street-21“That’s a good price. A lot over in the Clinton-voting section of town would never sell for that much.”
Fluffy Hiddleston-Wasp, Mirabella HOA President

from-the-street-22“Do pharmacies have those going-out-of-business sales like other stores? I need to get my hands on 1,000 Sudafed tabs for my shake-and-bake, uh, allergies.”
Tweaker Adams, Local Chef and Amateur Pharmacist

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Cheddar’s Review: Lots of Fat People, Must Be Good

October 28, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune Food Blog is in development, but has been delayed by excessive drug use by our Food Blog Writer, which spurred the Food Blog to propose content solely focused on late night snacking.

While the Food Blog gets it act together, the Tribune Staff decided to start a series of Food Reviews here in Murfreesboro. We aren’t ruling out drugs, but we figured we need to survey some restaurants that the public may enjoy, which means we can’t just write about Eddie Poe’s fridge after burning down some green.

First up is Cheddar’s, the restaurant where everything is three dollars and all guests receive a complimentary head start towards heart disease at a young age.

Parking
Well, half of the parking spots in the parking lot are handicap spaces. Honestly, it’s hard to tell whether the spaces are for handicap or handifat, like the perfectly-healthy-but-still-gonna-ride-this-thing people at Kroger who scoot around in the motorized carts. On that topic, it might not be a bad idea to start a business to rent motorized scooters to haul these plus-sized foodies into the building.

After finding a parking space about three thousand feet from the front door, we wowed the crowd by walking to the front door without a cane, a water break, or a taxi cab to haul us across the lot.

Customer Service
At first, the waiting area was a bit crowded, as the entire Lane Bryant catalog appeared to shuffle through the door at the same time. However, the service was much more friendly once we managed to navigate the maximum-elevator-weight crowd and find a table.

Our waitress was pleasantly surprised when we ordered waters. She expressed frustration that she usually serves sweet tea, one gallon jug at a time, only to find her first delivery guzzled into oblivion by the time she returns to the table.

Menu
The menu offers a great variety of artery-blocking grease buckets, including heavyweight favorites such as double breaded chicken tenders, fried butter cubes, and lard-in-a-bucket. They also have a “lighter side” menu, as if anyone in the building is counting calories today.

To be honest, we aren’t sure whether those items are on the menu. We are just guessing based on the clientele of this place. We couldn’t read the menu because the lettering on the pages is so worn. We assume that, patron after patron, people have wiped their brow in exhaustion after walking from the waiting area to their table or some other light calisthenics, and that the sweat slowly wore the letters down.

Overall
We were unable to complete our experience at Cheddar’s. After ordering waters and a house salad, we were told that the restaurant does not serve lettuce, only bacon. Then, as we contemplated how to order food here without knowingly shortening our lives in the process, a portly fellow entered the restaurant and demanded to be seated.

After the man became violent (he hadn’t eaten in three hours), we volunteered our table so the he could be pacified. The kitchen rushed some fried cheese (because they sell fried cheese, of course) to the table and everyone was happy.

In all, let’s be honest: fat people love this place, so it must be good.

Rating (Out of Five Spades): ♠♠♠♠

New Restaurant Tragically Mistakes Fake Newspaper for Real Newspaper

October 13, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Chicken Salad Chick is a fast casual chicken salad restaurant, which opens a new location in Murfreesboro this week. From everything we can tell, the business is great and the food is delicious. However, Chicken Salad Chick recently made a mistake that led to some mild in-house hilarity.

As part of its comprehensive marketing plan, Chicken Salad Chick issued a press release to local media, which included important facts about the upcoming opening. The restaurant sent a copy of the press release to the Tribune and said they “would love to share this news with [Tribune] readers.”

Here at the Tribune, we aren’t satisfied with your cookie-cutter press release, so we decided to do our own write-up, which required a little more information than Chicken Salad Chick originally provided.

Here is the email exchange that followed:

From Tiffany ***** to The Tribune

Hey there,

I noticed you cover the scene in Murfreesboro and wanted to share some exciting news that I thought might be of interest. Chicken Salad Chick (CSC), the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

Would love to share this news with your readers. If interested, I’d be happy to connect you with a corporate executive who can speak on expansion plans in the Nashville area or provide images of the restaurant/menu items — let me know what you might need!

Thanks!
Tiffany

From The Tribune to Tiffany *****

Tiffany,

We would love to do a write-up! For our business announcements, we generally use information from a simple set of questions, which I attached below. Can you fill this out and kick it back over? We will draft something and send it out.

Sam.

Business Name:
Business Address:
Event Date & Time:
Contact Person:
Target Market:

From Tiffany ***** to The Tribune:

Business Name: Chicken Salad Chick
Business Address: 2855 Medical Center Parkway, Suite F
Event Date & Time: Chicken Salad Chick in Murfreesboro will be open Monday – Saturday from 10 a.m. – 8 p.m.
Contact Person: restaurant number – 615-900-3087 
Target Market: Murfreesboro

From The Tribune to Tiffany *****:

Tiffany,

We have reached out several times now and haven’t heard back on the “Target Market” statement. I wrote the following, which is all the information I have right now. Please let me know if you’d like to comment further.

I think this gets your business out and lets Murfreesboro know that you are a big fan of Murfreesboro residents!

Sam.

Big news for Murfreesboro Chicken Lovers! Chicken Salad Chick, the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

According to Chicken Salad Chick, its target market will be Murfreesboro, which appears discriminatory on its face, but may just be a business preference. The Murfreesboro Tribune reached out for further comment from Chicken Salad Chick a number of times, but could not find an answer, so it appears that the business will only be serving chicken salad to Murfreesboro residents.

Please do not come to Chicken Salad Chick if you live in: La Vergne, Smyrna, Eagleville, Walter Hill, Blackman, Christiana, Lascassas, Milton, Rockvale, or anywhere else outside of Murfreesboro. Chicken Salad Chick wants only Murfreesboro residents.

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

From Claibourne ***** to The Tribune: 

Hi Sam,

Tiffany passed along your email, as our South Florida office is currently closed because of the hurricane. Sorry if you’ve had trouble reaching someone! I’m available the rest of the day to speak more about the target market. You can reach me on my cell at ***-***-****.

Thanks,
Clay

From The Tribune to Claibourne *****:

Claibourne,

Unfortunately, a mob of rats chewed through our phone lines, so our phones are currently down.

I really just needed clarification on the target market. Is there anyone that Chicken Salad Chick is not targeting? In other words, certain people or areas that aren’t ideal customers?

We want to make sure our press release has the right information.

Sam.

From Claibourne ***** to The Tribune:

Sam,

Appreciate you wanting to get it right. Chicken Salad Chick in Mufreesboro welcomes all residents and visitors – near or far. We’re looking forward to sharing our delicious chicken salad with not only Murfreesboro, but all surrounding communities. Let me know if you have any additional questions.

Best,
Clay

From The Tribune to Claibourne *****:

Claibourne,

Received your message and we are very glad to hear that you will welcome anyone into the store. We were concerned for a minute about the Murfreesboro-only statement.

Please review the release below. We want to get this out today by 5:00 p.m. Let us know your thoughts as soon as you can. If we do not hear from you, we will run the release, as we believe it encompasses the all-inclusive mission you are shooting for.

Sam.

Big news for Murfreesboro chicken lovers! Chicken Salad Chick, the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

Most importantly, Chicken Salad Chick is an all-inclusive restaurant that will welcome all residents and visitors, near or far. The restaurant looks forward to sharing delicious chicken salad with not only Murfreesboro, but all surrounding communities. This includes transvestites, vagrants, hookers, and clowns.

On behalf of the Tribune, we are glad to have an all-inclusive restaurant in the area, who will serve anyone and everyone, regardless of violent criminal history or sex offender registry status.

Please stop by and welcome Chicken Salad Chick to the Neighborhood!

No response was received from Chicken Salad Chick, which means that the Tribune likely nailed the press release.

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

Halloween Candy Pipeline Burst; Gov. Declares State of Emergency

September 20, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam declared a state of emergency on Tuesday morning after a Halloween Candy pipeline burst overnight in rural Kentucky, causing a potential Halloween Candy Shortage in Middle Tennessee.

“This is a precautionary measure as we are not currently seeing any widespread unavailability of candy corn or gummy worms in Tennessee,” Haslam said in a press release, which he foolishly thought would calm the masses of fat people yearning for a sugar high.

The Adult Onset Diabetes Pipeline, which flows from rural Kentucky into Middle Tennessee, carries approximately fourteen million pounds of Halloween Candy into Tennessee each fall. Tennesseans apparently just can’t get enough fatness, as they consistently eat whatever is pumped out of that pipeline.

In a press conference Tuesday morning, Governor Haslam remained adamant that a Halloween Candy Shortage is unlikely.

“It is important for the community to know that there is plenty of Halloween Candy,” said Governor Haslam. “The only way we could have a shortage of Halloween Candy is if everyone rushes out to buy candy at the same time, so please don’t do that.”

The community responded to this plea for civility as expected, rushing to every grocery store, gas station, and fat kid’s hollowed out bed post to find every morsel of candy available.

Despite Halloween Candy being available at nearly every store in Middle Tennessee, residents took to social media to voice panic and complaints.

mcgee

 

jenkins

As capitalists, the Tribune has set up the Tribune Candy Shop, which sells candy out of the back of the Mobile News Center, a windowless van that we bought off Craigslist.

The Tribune Candy Shop will have Reese’s Cups, Kit Kats, and Milk Duds for sale. You can keep that home-packed-in-a-white-bag shit to yourself.

Local Mother Miraculously Not Part of Pyramid Scheme Side Job

September 6, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a move that family and friends described as a “complete shock,” local mother Lacey Temple has decided to not whore out her social media account for a multilevel marketing company, despite the fact that nearly every other mother she knows appears to have done so.

Temple, a stay-at-home mother of three, is an ideal candidate for an independent marketing representative with a triangle-shaped business venture, a position that several of her friends have taken to earn a moderate side income, regardless of the enormous damage that the position does to their personal and professional reputation.

“I’m stunned,” said Heather Wakham, a friend of the Temple family, who also serves as a Double Diamond Seal Super Plus Rep with Plexus Worldwide. “Lacey has an opportunity with our company to buy my products, make a lot of money for me and my kids, and talk her friends into doing the same for her. It’s pretty selfish to not help me out.”

Temple reported that she has been approached by representatives from Avon, Herbalife, Mary Kay, AdvoCare, Rodan + Fields, Plexus, Pampered Chef, DildoWorx, Scentsy, and the Columbia House VHS Sales Program, but does not plan to take part in any completely legitimate business that allows you to make money by recruiting people to work directly underneath you.

“I think she’ll come around to it,” said Megan Temple, Lacey’s older sister, who is also a Brand Ambassador Double Secret Six Important Title Rep with It Works! (but seriously have you tried that crazy wrap thing?). “Once she realizes the incredible effect of these wraps, and how much money you can make by pressuring your friends and family through Facebook to try this voodoo science, she’s going to jump on board.”

The writer of this article was unable to reach Temple for comment, in part because I recently accepted a position with Juice Plus and, hey, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask strangers to buy, would I? Answer the phone, Lacey. You need this juice stuff.

Mattress Store to Hold Sale

August 24, 2016 /

MURFREEESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as an “industry changer,” a Murfreesboro mattress store is planning a mattress sale. Local residents are losing their damn minds.

Jon and Betty Perlman, who own Hey Look Over Here Mattresses on Cason Lane, drew inspiration from other industries, which often employ tacky sales gimmicks. The Perlmans saw that the tacky gimmicks have never quite made it to the mattress industry. These gimmicks include flyers, mailers, and paying grown-ass men to sit in a lawn chair and hold a sign all day.

“We asked each other ‘what is no one in our industry doing,'” said Jon. “Suddenly it dawned on us; why haven’t mattress stores put mattresses on sale?”

“I’m not trying to boast,” said Betty, clearly boasting, “but we are in the mattress industry because our stores have a history of no pressure, no frills, no gimmicks sales.”

Jon beamed with pride at his revelation. “We never whore ourselves out for attention or profits,” he said, resting his arm on a pile of flyers declaring Jon and Betty Perlman “The Mattress Masters of Murfreesboro,” with each wearing costumes from Masters of the Universe while swinging antique weapons at the camera.

To ensure that the mattress sale receives the rapt attention of the community, and that mattress stores only put on sales for legitimate reasons, the Perlmans decided to have a Ukrainian Independence Day Sale, which opens on August 24.

On August 24, 1991, the Ukrainian Parliament adopted the Act of Declaration of Independence of Ukraine, which established independence from the Soviet Union. The Perlmans figured that sounds like as good a reason as any to sell some mattresses.

“There are two things I hate in this world,” said Jon Perlman. “Overpriced mattresses and commies.”

In what can only be described as a trance fueled by ethnic hatred, Perlman locked eyes with the author of this article, muttering “you ain’t no damn commie, are you?”

Please go see the Perlmans. For America. And for Mother Ukraine.

Community Shocked to Learn That It’s 2016 and Hastings is Still Open

July 25, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Friday, Hastings Entertainment announced that it will close all its stores, including the Murfreesboro Hastings located on Memorial Boulevard, and liquidate assets.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to find out how the community responded to this announcement. Unfortunately, the majority of people we met were genuinely surprised to learn that Hastings is still in business. We did, however, find a few Hastings enthusiasts.

From the Street: Do you have any thoughts on Hastings closing all its stores?

“You mean the place by that empty building that used to be a Long John Silver’s? Right next to the check cashing place that used to be a gas station? That side of town is on fire.”
Janet Skaggs, Interior Designer.

“I’ve been using that parking lot to sell weed for the past few years. Hate to see it go.”
Justin Thatcher, Entrepreneur.

“Part of my childhood was in that store. It’s the first place I rented a movie, the first place I felt a girl up, and the first place I publicly insulted a Jewish man. Some great memories there.”
Darren Trembley, Musician.

“We’re going to be fine. All we’ve got to do now is come up with an internet company to sell new and used books at a discount and hope that no one has beat us to it.”
Jake Sinclair, Hastings Store Manager.

Walmart Supercenter to Open in Rutherford County Historic Courthouse

July 22, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Walmart announced plans on Friday to open a new Walmart Supercenter in the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse.

“We believe that Walmart will provide stability to the Public Square,” said Walmart Regional Manager John DeVries, “and an opportunity to bankrupt at least a half a dozen other mom and pop businesses in the surrounding area.”

The Murfreesboro City Council approved the proposed Walmart Supercenter at its regularly scheduled meeting on Thursday night.

“There’s a Walmart everywhere else in this town, so we figured why not put one on the Square,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland. “At this point, we pretty much just said f*** it— they can go where they want”

Conservative estimates place the proposed store as the twenty-seventh Walmart in Rutherford County, which has spurred explosive growth in check cashing outlets, liquor stores, and other luxury industries.

The Rutherford County Historic Courthouse was built in 1859 according to Wikipedia, which is about as far as this author can get right now after a few too many glasses of Chianti. But since when is it against the law to have a few drinks before work, you judgmental prick?

Initial plans indicate that the first floor will be home goods, the second floor will be food and groceries, and the third floor will remain closed to the public.

Walmart officials have been unable to locate anyone who has actually been to the third floor of the Historic Courthouse and, as a result, Walmart believes the third floor to be haunted.

For more information on Walmart’s continued expansion into the hearts and homes of Rutherford County, raise the issue at your family Thanksgiving Dinner or challenge one of the people sitting on a bench on the Public Square to a measured debate about capitalism. That would be one hell of a ride.

Jason's Deli Murfreesboro

Jason’s Deli Salad Bar Lady in the Way Again

May 23, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Customers at Jason’s Deli in Murfreesboro remained frustrated on Monday as the Salad Bar Lady personally interfered with nearly every customer in the restaurant during the tumultuous lunch hour rush.

The Salad Bar Lady, also known as Amy Post, is a forty-seven year old hater of people, engineered to frustrate even the most simple lunch tasks. As a former teller at the Department of Motor Vehicles, she is trained to turn an attainable task into a logistical clusterfuck.

The Salad Bar Lady answers to no one. Fueled only by a desire to wage war against practicality, she spends her days dutifully filling only the salad bar bins that need the least attention. There is a line of thirty-six people for garbanzo beans. The Salad Bar Lady cares not.

The Salad Bar Lady stands behind no one. She follows you, step by step, until you reach for a pair of tongs, at which time she launches into action, “excuse me” be damned. On her apron, you may find handwritten notes containing your home address and list of personal fears.

Jason’s Deli Manager Jake Trainer declined to comment on the extensive lines at his salad bar, but he did note that the volume in the restaurant has increased significantly since he hired the Salad Bar Lady, due to the fact that it takes thirteen hours to finish a salad bar meal in his restaurant.

GoFundMe

Local Bar Launches GoFundMe, Asks for Free Money

May 20, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Ron and Hermione Piper opened the White Owl, a Harry Potter themed brewpub, in March, which fulfilled a lifelong dream of owning a wizarding pub. Now, the Pipers want to grow the business.

The Pipers considered traditional sources of capital, such as private investors, bank loans, and credit cards. In the end, the couple chose to launch a GoFundMe campaign, asking the public to hand over hard-earned money, which may otherwise pay for basic life necessities, as donations to a for-profit business.

“We thought about a bank loan or credit cards,” said Ron Piper, “but why would we pay interest on a loan when we can just ask our customers to give us money for free without giving them anything in return?”

“He’s right,” said Hermione Piper. “Business loans and credit cards would make us actually invest in this place. We thought it would be much easier if the public just gave us free money to cover our expenses, which will help us earn profit.”

“The community needs us,” Ron said emphatically. “Our concept of a place that sells food and alcohol is so unique that the community should give us free money to expand. Have you ever seen someone build a for-profit business by borrowing money or using their own money? Sounds impossible to me.”

The GoFundMe list of common types of campaigns includes: “Most people use GoFundMe to raise money for themselves, a friend or loved one during life’s important moments. This includes things like medical expenses, education costs, volunteer programs, youth sports, funerals & memorials – even animals & pets.”

“I think the mission of GoFundMe has been distorted,” said Hermione. “All these GoFundMe campaigns about sick kids and mission trips have it wrong. The purpose of GoFundMe is, and has always been, small business lending.”

“Those unplanned medical emergencies and dying people should have planned better,” echoed Ron. “What are they adding to the community that our bar isn’t? I think donated money goes to better use at our bar, where we are a for-profit venture looking to make money.”

It is unclear whether the Pipers will offer incentives to customers who donate to the GoFundMe Campaign, but Ron sounded skeptical of giving anything worth a damn in return for people giving him part of their paycheck to help him run a business entity.

“Oh God no,” he remarked. “We are running a business. We need that money. If you want a handout, go to church.”

“But with this place open, you are free to purchase an eight dollar beer at any time,” added Ron, glancing wistfully to the sky. “This city is so lucky to have us here.”

You can learn more about the White Owl at www.ThatShamelessBar.com or www.WhatABadIdea.com.

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