Category: Business (Page 1 of 3)

MTSU Reminds Public They Play Baseball on a Field in a Stadium with Umpires and Popcorn and Everything

November 15, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – MTSU Athletics issued a press release Friday to remind the public that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders play Division-I baseball in a real baseball stadium, including baseballs, bats, helmets, stadium seating, hot dogs, beer, and the occasional DCS referral for that one baseball dad in gas station sunglasses just giving that poor kid a beating near the third base line dugout.

MTSU Athletics hopes to capitalize on the inevitably-fleeting public interest in an unofficial baseball park rendering released on social media earlier this week. While the rendering appears to have no actual planning behind it, the post nonetheless sparked spirited debate among citizens.

“From what we can gather, some bluegrass guys got lit on moonshine and worked up a Cannonsburgh Field of Dreams, I guess,” said MTSU Baseball Coach Sleepy Joe Reeves. “We just want the public to know that our stadium can be like Uncle Dave Macon Days too, just with less clogging and more baseball.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune took to the street to find out what you think about the new baseball stadium proposal. 

“I like how the rendering just dropped the stadium in there. No facilities, no parking, no traffic changes. Just BAM. A baseball stadium in the middle of an underdeveloped neighborhood. It’s a bonafide chef’s kiss.”
-David Shitswell, Social Media Provocateur

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“No, no, no. Tax payer dollars aren’t supposed to be wasted like that. They’re supposed to be wasted in other, more discreet ways. I’d hate to see tax dollars wasted on a baseball stadium instead of some regulatory efforts to make it illegal to be gay or something.”
-John Johnson, Ninth-Generation Rutherford Countian (19th Century Family Line Prolly Not the Good Guys FYI)

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“I can’t believe our mayor would share this garbage on social media.”
– Spike Prickledick, Retired Barista, Part-Time Filmmaker (He Could Have Just Said Unemployed). 

NOTE: When asked whether he actually *read* the mayor’s post, which explicitly disapproved of the stadium proposal, Prickledick flipped off the interviewer and fled the scene in a 1990s hatchback.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Coach’s Grill Closes Yet Again

October 2, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Coach’s Grill Restaurant Group announced its most recent venture, Party Fowl Murfreesboro, is permanently closed. Over the years, Coach’s Grill Restaurant Group (CGRG) has launched numerous efforts to stabilize its Broad Street property, including Western Sizzlin’, Fairways Golf & Grill, and now Party Fowl Murfreesboro. 

“We are sad to close this chapter,” shared CGRC President Jim Trappers. “Now it’s back to the drawing board to see what restaurant we can open and close in this building next.”

Party Fowl Murfreesboro opened in 2017 and, unlike past openings, took extreme protective measures over its future, even hiring a local witch doctor to break a generational culinary curse on the establishment. It now appears those efforts were for naught, as Party Fowl shuttered its doors this week.

“The witch doctor kept us afloat for a while,” added Trappers, “but we missed his last few payments and he just dipped.”

At the time of press, CGRG did not close the door on a historic revival, leaving its other brands on the table as a potential replacement, including Brew U, Santa Fe, Coach’s Grill, Fairways Golf & Grill, and even its legendary Western Sizzlin’ Brand.

“Everything is on the table,” added Trappers. “Except keeping Party Fowl open— that place is closed as f***.”

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Food Truck Friday Moves to County Clerk License Plate Renewal Hallway

September 5, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced that Food Truck Friday, frequently held at the Murfreesboro City Plaza, will temporarily move to the hallway outside of the Rutherford County Court Clerk license plate renewal office. 

“We were looking for high traffic areas,” said Mayor McHarland. “And the car tag renewal line has been backed out the door since at least the Obama administration.”

City officials praised the benefits of the new location, which include ample parking, avoiding that vagrant holding a switchblade in the library parking garage, and stunningly positive Yelp reviews (because this place has a f***ing Yelp page?!). Above all, city leaders value the mass of potential customers trudging inch-by-inch down the hallway of mid-level bureaucracy purgatory.

“These miserable pricks are stuck waiting anyways,” McHarland added, “and we thought that hallway has more potential than just a gumball machine for blind kids. Hell, I think we might get a dunk tank.”

As of the date of this article, city officials have added face painting, vendor booths, and live music to the schedule. Currently, three food trucks are booked: Schwedde Balls; The Alley on Main; and Big Nutzzz Funnel Cakes. Tragically, the Fartful Bagel remains closed.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

MTSU to Open Campus Regal Inn, Capitalize on High Crime Vibes

September 3, 2024 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Middle Tennessee State University recently announced plans to open a new hotel on campus. The Murfreesboro Tribune landed an exclusive scoop that MTSU plans to open The Regal Inn Greenland, a new hotel just off campus, which provides a True Blue place to shoot guns and do drugs. In recent years, campus neighborhoods have faced rising crime rates, decreasing property maintenance, and skyrocketing rent prices, which prompted school officials to try their hand in the hospitality industry.

“We were just overwhelmed with the response,” said MTSU President Ridley McPeak. “Initially, we thought discriminatory housing practices could only be used in nearby residential units, where fourth generation rednecks rent their granddaddy’s dilapidated real estate portfolio, but now we have an opportunity to get in the game.”

School officials have yet to finalize the estimated cost, size, and other details, but officials are hopeful to begin construction next year. Wait a minute– construction on what? I honestly don’t know what we are announcing if we don’t know the size, cost, or the ambiguous “other details” of the project. But hey— it’s a hotel!

Tasked with choosing a hotel brand, MTSU officials chose the well-known Regal Inn, a staple in the community, oft celebrated for its shameless revelry, domestic violence, and unnervingly consistent police presence.

“We’ve seen rampant drug use, shootings, and sex trafficking operations near campus for years,” McPeak added. “Now, we can keep that business here at home and ensure that everyone enjoys the professional, courteous, and holy shit that’s a needle atmosphere that embodies the Regal Inn.”

For the community, it ties together two neighborhoods previously only bonded by unreasonable rent, criminal activity, and the consensus of the community to do absolutely nothing to help.

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Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Reeves-Sain Closing Update: Fred’s Pledges to Execute Swiftly, Humanely

September 24, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning turn of events, discount retailer Fred’s announced plans to close Reeves-Sain Drug Store in Murfreesboro.

“I know what we all thought,” said Fred’s Vice President of Local Store Destruction Monty Burns. “We all thought that a massive discount chain was the perfect fit to keep this mom and pop soda shop alive. Turns out we were flagrantly wrong.”

Fred’s purchased Reeves-Sain in 2015 for $66 Million(!), which is significantly more than it would take for The Tribune Staff to kill a man. Like seriously. We would do it for a fraction of that.

Over the past year, Fred’s, Walgreens, and Rite Aid have just started using Monopoly money to buy shit, making asset acquisition look as easy as picking up a sweet pair of $4 Velcro kicks from the Fred’s bargain bin.

Surprisingly absolutely no one, Walgreens has expressed little to no enthusiasm about keeping a small town milkshake counter that is conspicuously close to an Indian restaurant with “Pit” in the name.

“We want to ensure the community that the Reeves-Haynes Pharmacy will spend its final days resting with its loved ones,” Walgreens issued in a press release. “When the time comes, it will be put down humanely and peacefully.”

Reached for comment and notified that the shop is pronounced Reeves-Sain, a Walgreens spokesman added “well its about to be Reeves-closed.”

Party Fowl Opens, Hires Witch Doctor to Break Coach’s Grill Curse

December 27, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Party Fowl, a Nashville-based hot chicken restaurant, opened this week in Downtown Murfreesboro, taking over a vacant commercial building that has previously held several failed ventures, including Los Guachitos Mexical Restaurant, Coach’s Grill, Fairways Golf & Grill, and Brew U.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has learned that the largest barrier to opening the new Party Fowl location had nothing to do with food or permits, but instead surrounded an ancient curse placed on the property by a former tenant, Coach’s Grill.

“When we first looked at the property, we could tell right away that something was wrong,” said Party Fowl Owner Chick Leghorn. “As soon as we set foot inside the building, it just smelled like dirt, mold, and health code violations. But I could also feel something else, a deeper level of pain and soiled light beer.”

Leghorn consulted with Zuku, a local witch doctor, who also works at Starbucks during the day, to better understand the spiritual environment at the new location. To Leghorn’s surprise, Zuku discovered that the property was cursed. After all, Coach’s Grill failed, Fairways Golf & Grill tanked, and not even Bar Rescue could save Brew U.

Zuku ultimately sacrificed six Nashville hot chickens to please the spirits in the building. Leghorn is hoping that the sacrifice paid off.

Leghorn remained adamant that the previous failed businesses had nothing to do with the generally shitty location of the building, near what some have called “the jewel of that meth part of Murfreesboro.”

“The key to this place is convenience,” said Leghorn. “After all, our customers can have some damn good chicken and then walk next door to get a cash advance on their next paycheck, pay their Metro PCS bill, and pick up a handle of their favorite liquor at one of the nineteen liquor stores within walking distance. It’s solid.”

Commenters Distraught at Business Closing, Never Spent One Cent There

June 26, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke on Friday that a beloved local business, the Fartful Bagel, will close its doors to the public. The last day for the Fartful Bagel was Saturday.

In response to the announced closing, hundreds of commenters on social media have expressed infinite sadness, egomaniacally shifting attention away from a failed local business and the related emotional grief of the owners and placing the spotlight squarely on themselves, because, you know, now they can’t go get a snack from a place they went that one time, which is pretty much just as bad.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked further into the comments and, surprisingly, it seems that very few of the people expressing dismay at the business closing even spent one damn dollar of their own money to support the owners.

“Oh no!!” said one commenter, with the double exclamation point to let you know that she is significantly hurt. “I never got to make it in there but had always wanted to!” Oh. Well, she really wanted to go. So that counts for something, right?

“We really enjoyed the time we did come in,” wrote another commenter, emphasizing the one damn time she managed to make it to the store in the eighteen months that the store was open to the public. How in the world could this place have closed with your incredible support?

One commenter tagged a friend and wrote “guess we will never get to try this place!!!” As if they never had a chance to park in the parking lot, walk in the door, and spend a few bucks on a donut in the five hundred or so days that the shop was open for business.

Here at The Tribune, we recommend actually spending money at local businesses, instead of waiting for the business to close and expressing your confusion at how a place that you never gave money to couldn’t quite make it.

In related news, The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has found that the comment “Prayers!” has resulted in significant medical improvement for individuals suffering from illness, so keep on doing that too.

Business Brief: They’re Opening Another F***ing Check Cashing Place

June 15, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Memphis-based Chexxx4Lezzz is opening a check cashing, cash-advancing, and lower-income-pilfering company in Downtown Murfreesboro, the four thousandth such store in Rutherford County.

BringYoChexxxHere will be located on the corner of Sevier Street and South Highland Avenue, near the Kleer-Vu Café, in an area replete with lower-income residents.

“We are excited about this opportunity,” said Chexxx4Lezzz owner Rakesh Patel. “We  believe that our store will ensure that the community remains intact, because these significantly indebted people will never be able to the gain financial stability to move elsewhere.”

When asked if he had considered North Woods, Breckenridge, or Mirabella for his new store location, Patel laughed, noting that those areas were not part of his preferred demographic. “Not quite enough beater cars and cigarette smokers, if you know what I mean.”

Rutherford County Chamber of Commerce President Saul Talure praised the new store opening, saying that the industry is poised for growth.

“With stagnant wages and the low-paying warehouse jobs we are recruiting, Murfreesboro will need at least a thousand more check-cashing establishments for our citizens,” Talure said confidently.

The proposed location will be voted on at the regularly-schedule Murfreesboro City Council Meeting on Thursday night. All signs point to approval.

Town Home Builders Propose Agent Orange, Napalm for Oaklands

June 1, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last month, much to the dismay of conservationists and several nearby bitchy residents, a home builder proposed ninety-one town homes to be built near the Oaklands Mansion and nearby wetlands on North Highland Avenue.

The plan to build townhomes in close proximity to the Oaklands Mansion and the wetlands near Sinking Creek drew immediate criticism from at least seven citizens, who took loudly to social media and didn’t have much else to do but complain on Facebook and Twitter.

In the past few weeks, if you have witnessed the frenzy on social media, you may have learned that a land developer plans to drop at least three payloads of Agent Orange, Napalm, and other biological weapons of ecological destruction on the site of a proposed town home site.

On Thursday, protesters provided leaked documents to the Tribune, drawn up on the back of a Cookout napkin, which set out the first phase of construction: complete and utter desolation of every living thing in the Oaklands Wetlands, using only the most toxic, transmutable, and offensive chemical agents known to man.

“This is exactly what we expected,” said some lady in Birkenstocks. “It is now clear that these land developers just want to rape mother nature and murder our plant life.”

“It’s almost as if these people are trying to just make money or build nice new things,” this likely herbal tea drinker added. “Did anyone stop to think about the willows that grow near the creek?”

ParksLambSwansonMurfreeCorp, the company responsible for site development, declined to comment, instead asking who we were and why we were peeking over the bathroom stall.

This story is developing (pun intended thank you).

Trump’s America: Hardware Store to Hold “Whites Only” Sale

December 21, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A Murfreesboro True Value hardware store is the subject of both flared tempers and uneasy national pride following its owner’s decision to host a “Whites Only” Holiday Paint Sale.

Holiday shoppers in search of deals in various Murfreesboro news outlets were shocked at the appearance of the ad, which stated:

“Come and Support True Value This Holiday Season! Whites Only—No Blacks, Browns, or Yellows!”

Dave Arian, who owns Arian Family Hardware, insists that the sale has nothing to do with race, but the community knows better.

“My simple misunderstanding over back stock is not a damn appeal to white supremacy,” Arian lied through his teeth. “In April, I ordered seventy different shades of white pantone and it didn’t sell, so I took out some ads this week.”

Arian Family Hardware has seen a 250% increase in its foot traffic since the sale was announced, as well as a 500% increase in protests.

Less than forty-eight hours after the sale was announced, every drop of paint, along with hammer, nail, wrench, and nut, was sold. However, the store was quickly filled with volunteers from the Southern Poverty Law Center and the American Civil Liberties Union.

Associates from the SPLC and ACLU, who have had makeshift field offices in Murfreesboro since 2009, when arsonists set fire to a local Islamic Center, have pointed out that that the ad was incredibly effective due to one simple omission: the word “paint.”

“Why did this man leave the word ‘Paint’ out of the ad if he wasn’t trying to appeal to racial hatred?” asked SPLC Field Director John White-Guilt. “We think it is pretty clear that this is a racist business that must be stopped.”

“Excuse me for not being some Mr. Billy Wigglestick Shakespeare,” said Arian, asked for comment on the omission. “Or that damn Edgar Allan Poe.”

At press time, local activists on one side of Broad Street were setting up a “True Values Matter” picket line in support of the store as an opposition group distributed placards with the message “Whitewashing hurts our feelings” stamped in red ink.

This story is developing.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

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