MURFREESBORO – Rutherford County Constable and likely future felon Bob Darnold reported to work on Thursday whistling his favorite Nickelback jam, seemingly unaware of an impending federal criminal trial that is poised to strip Darnold of his most basic civil liberties.

“I’m not really sure what the big deal is,” said Darnold, who, in just a mere matter of months, will no longer be able to even sit for jury duty. “I think everyone will just forget about all this stuff if I pretend like it never happened.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department arrested Darnold in May, capping a months-long investigation into what some have called the most obvious criminal conduct since Tony “Scooter” Jackson drunkenly drove a carnival bumper car down Broad Street during rush hour.

Darnold, who will be ineligible to vote, even for himself, after his upcoming felony convictions, has appeared inexplicably confident in his continued employment, despite a titanic amount of evidence of flagrant official misconduct.

“The voters of this county trust me to do my job,” Darnold lied to himself, resting his hand on his firearm, which federal law will soon prevent him from possessing.

“I’m going to continue working because I’d hate for the taxpayers to pay my salary for nothing,” he added, glossing over the past six years, during which the taxpayers paid his salary for absolutely nothing.

The trial for Darnold is currently set for August 2, which leaves Darnold a touch under five weeks until federal law permanently bans him from voting, sitting on a jury, possessing a firearm, or serving in the Armed Forces, among other penalties.

Darnold declined to comment further, saying he needed to attend the County Commission meeting to personally witness the Commission further cut his resources in an effort to limit the amount of damage that he can inflict upon the county prior to his conviction and removal from office.