Author: SamClemens (Page 9 of 13)

Man Handing Out Candy to Kids Suddenly Unacceptable

November 1, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s that time of year when the leaves turn, the winds change, and grown adults hand out candy to kids. For one day, at least.

Trevor Smallwood is learning the hard way that society accepts only a brief period of time for adult men to hand candy to children passing by, that brief period of time being Halloween Weekend.

We spoke with Smallwood in the back of his 1980s Ford Econoline windowless van.

“I just don’t get it,” said Smallwood. “Last night, I followed all these kids around and threw candy at them and everyone loved me. Now, all of the sudden, people start yelling.”

Smallwood admitted that his van could use a wash, as its paint job is made of spray paint. He also acknowledged that the scrape marks near the inside door were an aesthetic eyesore. “They shouldn’t be scraping to get out,” he joked.

In all, however, Smallwood expressed dismay that this great country just isn’t what it used to.

“Parents used to just let their kids walk all over town without any supervision,” Smallwood remarked. “Now, parents follow the kids everywhere. It makes it hard for guys like me, who just want to hand some candy out and maybe take a kid or two.”

The interview promptly ended when Smallwood dropped a can of chloroform hidden in his coat pocket onto the floor of the van.

Yes, we got the hell out of there.

Report: No One Cares About Your Kid’s Halloween Costume

November 1, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a newly released report from the University of Tennessee, research has shown that not a single damn person cares about all those pictures of your kid’s Halloween costume.

The University of Tennessee Department of Obvious Information released the report, aptly titled the Spare Us Oh Gods of Social Media Report.

The Report makes various findings, which include:

  • Your kid is not the cutest kid in the world.
  • Your kid probably isn’t even the cutest bumblebee, tiger, piggy, bunny, puppy, kitty kat, princess, porcupine, rugby player, or drunk taxi driver at Halloween this year.
  • Your kid looks the same in the fortieth picture as he did in the first, so let’s leave those last three hundred out of the album.
  • Your spouse looks miserable. Let’s stop taking pictures and tend to your marriage.
  • No one on social media gives a shit about your kid’s pictures.
  • For every person who stops to “like” your picture on social media, approximately thirteen more think “wow this person may have a diagnosed oversharing disorder.”

Mothers on social media immediately criticized the report because, seriously, look how cute their kid is in that outfit!

Dumpster Fire Offended by Repeated Comparisons to UT Football

October 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A dumpster fire that slowly burns near the intersection of Northwest Broad Street and Medical Center Avenue in Murfreesboro is fed up with comparisons to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.

“I’m tired of it,” said the fire. “I just want to stay here and burn, creating something that is both offensive and visually horrific, and people just keep comparing me to that team.”

The University of Tennessee declined to comment, but Head Coach Butch Jones has made repeated references to fixing this football-team-disguised-as-a-smoldering-pile-of-manure “brick by brick.”

This story is developing.

Cheddar’s Review: Lots of Fat People, Must Be Good

October 28, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune Food Blog is in development, but has been delayed by excessive drug use by our Food Blog Writer, which spurred the Food Blog to propose content solely focused on late night snacking.

While the Food Blog gets it act together, the Tribune Staff decided to start a series of Food Reviews here in Murfreesboro. We aren’t ruling out drugs, but we figured we need to survey some restaurants that the public may enjoy, which means we can’t just write about Eddie Poe’s fridge after burning down some green.

First up is Cheddar’s, the restaurant where everything is three dollars and all guests receive a complimentary head start towards heart disease at a young age.

Parking
Well, half of the parking spots in the parking lot are handicap spaces. Honestly, it’s hard to tell whether the spaces are for handicap or handifat, like the perfectly-healthy-but-still-gonna-ride-this-thing people at Kroger who scoot around in the motorized carts. On that topic, it might not be a bad idea to start a business to rent motorized scooters to haul these plus-sized foodies into the building.

After finding a parking space about three thousand feet from the front door, we wowed the crowd by walking to the front door without a cane, a water break, or a taxi cab to haul us across the lot.

Customer Service
At first, the waiting area was a bit crowded, as the entire Lane Bryant catalog appeared to shuffle through the door at the same time. However, the service was much more friendly once we managed to navigate the maximum-elevator-weight crowd and find a table.

Our waitress was pleasantly surprised when we ordered waters. She expressed frustration that she usually serves sweet tea, one gallon jug at a time, only to find her first delivery guzzled into oblivion by the time she returns to the table.

Menu
The menu offers a great variety of artery-blocking grease buckets, including heavyweight favorites such as double breaded chicken tenders, fried butter cubes, and lard-in-a-bucket. They also have a “lighter side” menu, as if anyone in the building is counting calories today.

To be honest, we aren’t sure whether those items are on the menu. We are just guessing based on the clientele of this place. We couldn’t read the menu because the lettering on the pages is so worn. We assume that, patron after patron, people have wiped their brow in exhaustion after walking from the waiting area to their table or some other light calisthenics, and that the sweat slowly wore the letters down.

Overall
We were unable to complete our experience at Cheddar’s. After ordering waters and a house salad, we were told that the restaurant does not serve lettuce, only bacon. Then, as we contemplated how to order food here without knowingly shortening our lives in the process, a portly fellow entered the restaurant and demanded to be seated.

After the man became violent (he hadn’t eaten in three hours), we volunteered our table so the he could be pacified. The kitchen rushed some fried cheese (because they sell fried cheese, of course) to the table and everyone was happy.

In all, let’s be honest: fat people love this place, so it must be good.

Rating (Out of Five Spades): ♠♠♠♠

Clown Abduction Reported in Downtown Murfreesboro

October 19, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department announced Wednesday that it is actively investigating a clown abduction in Downtown Murfreesboro.

According to MPD Spokesman Ron McDonald, authorities received a phone call on Wednesday morning that Popsy, the lovable neighborhood clown of Downtown Murfreesboro, had been abducted.

“The information that we have at this time indicates that Popsy was walking on South Front Street near Cannonsburgh Village when he was abducted,” McDonald said, fighting back tears. “At some point, witnesses believe that Popsy was lured into a nearby wooded area by a group of elementary age boys and, after that, his friends were unable to locate him.”

The abduction continues a series of recent reports of minor children luring or attempting to lure clowns away from friends and into the woods. Just last week, Dumpty, a local clown and entertainer, called the police after three boys offered him candy to step into the woods near Black Fox Elementary School.

“These children need to understand that it isn’t funny to pretend to be dangerous just to drive up clown paranoia,” said John “Giggles” Howard, the President of the Tennessee Clown Association, in a telephone interview with The Tribune. Giggles spoke over the phone because, let’s be honest, clowns are creepy as all get out and the author of this article didn’t feel like going face-to-face with a curious mystery of white makeup, a  red nose, and hollow eyes that hold the fear of an entire nation.

“We believe the art of clowning is something to be treasured and enjoyed by audience’s worldwide,” Giggles added. “And we are f***ing terrified.”

The Downtown Community will hold a vigil on Wednesday evening to demonstrate unity and call for Popsy’s safe return. Attendees are encouraged to bring stickers, flowers, and toy guns with “BANG” ribbons inside.

Anyone with information related to this clown abduction is encouraged to contact local law enforcement and make a full statement. Popsy’s family is offering a $12.00 reward for information that leads to his safe return. The family would offer more, but clowning doesn’t pay like it used to.

NCAA Vacates National Championship UT Earned in September

October 17, 2016 /

KNOXVILLE, TN – In an unprecedented move, the NCAA voted unanimously Monday to vacate the Division I Football National Championship that the University of Tennessee earned through the first four games of the regular season.

“This is a difficult decision for the NCAA,” said NCAA President D. Rick Dooley. “We know that the fans, who trumpeted to the world that the University of Tennessee had pretty much earned the National Championship because they weren’t publicly embarrassed in September for the first time in about sixty years, will be immensely disappointed.”

The University of Tennessee opened the season with four resounding September victories against Sun Belt Juggernaut Appalachian State, 1999 BCS Championship Runner-Up Virginia Tech, the Ohio University Bobcats (who still play football), and a Florida Gators squad that was without Tim Tebow.

October proved more difficult for the Volunteers, who required a Hail Mary to beat Georgia (you know, that team that just lost to Vanderbilt), and then lost consecutive games to Texas A&M and Alabama, who play in the SEC West, where good football isn’t against the law.

Tennessee fans hoped that a string of inconsequential victories in the first month of the season would be enough to keep their premature National Championship hopes alive, but apparently beating teams from the ACC, the MAC, the Sun Belt Conference, the SEC East, and the Monthaven League for the Blind is not enough to convince the NCAA to be as irrational as Jim Bob Vols Fan.

“We earned that trophy,” said Volunteers Head Coach Butch Jones. “It’s a shame to see these kids who worked so hard in the first month of the season have that trophy taken away just because we had to start playing real football teams.”

When asked for how the Volunteers planned to rally after being violently throttled by the University of Alabama, Coach Jones just stared into a fictional camera and said “Brick by Brick.”

“Also, have you seen the back half of this schedule?” Coach Jones added, with a laugh. “We play South Carolina, Kentucky, Tennessee Tech, Missouri, and Vanderbilt. We’ll see you in the SEC Championship Game.”

New Restaurant Tragically Mistakes Fake Newspaper for Real Newspaper

October 13, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Chicken Salad Chick is a fast casual chicken salad restaurant, which opens a new location in Murfreesboro this week. From everything we can tell, the business is great and the food is delicious. However, Chicken Salad Chick recently made a mistake that led to some mild in-house hilarity.

As part of its comprehensive marketing plan, Chicken Salad Chick issued a press release to local media, which included important facts about the upcoming opening. The restaurant sent a copy of the press release to the Tribune and said they “would love to share this news with [Tribune] readers.”

Here at the Tribune, we aren’t satisfied with your cookie-cutter press release, so we decided to do our own write-up, which required a little more information than Chicken Salad Chick originally provided.

Here is the email exchange that followed:

From Tiffany ***** to The Tribune

Hey there,

I noticed you cover the scene in Murfreesboro and wanted to share some exciting news that I thought might be of interest. Chicken Salad Chick (CSC), the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

Would love to share this news with your readers. If interested, I’d be happy to connect you with a corporate executive who can speak on expansion plans in the Nashville area or provide images of the restaurant/menu items — let me know what you might need!

Thanks!
Tiffany

From The Tribune to Tiffany *****

Tiffany,

We would love to do a write-up! For our business announcements, we generally use information from a simple set of questions, which I attached below. Can you fill this out and kick it back over? We will draft something and send it out.

Sam.

Business Name:
Business Address:
Event Date & Time:
Contact Person:
Target Market:

From Tiffany ***** to The Tribune:

Business Name: Chicken Salad Chick
Business Address: 2855 Medical Center Parkway, Suite F
Event Date & Time: Chicken Salad Chick in Murfreesboro will be open Monday – Saturday from 10 a.m. – 8 p.m.
Contact Person: restaurant number – 615-900-3087 
Target Market: Murfreesboro

From The Tribune to Tiffany *****:

Tiffany,

We have reached out several times now and haven’t heard back on the “Target Market” statement. I wrote the following, which is all the information I have right now. Please let me know if you’d like to comment further.

I think this gets your business out and lets Murfreesboro know that you are a big fan of Murfreesboro residents!

Sam.

Big news for Murfreesboro Chicken Lovers! Chicken Salad Chick, the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

According to Chicken Salad Chick, its target market will be Murfreesboro, which appears discriminatory on its face, but may just be a business preference. The Murfreesboro Tribune reached out for further comment from Chicken Salad Chick a number of times, but could not find an answer, so it appears that the business will only be serving chicken salad to Murfreesboro residents.

Please do not come to Chicken Salad Chick if you live in: La Vergne, Smyrna, Eagleville, Walter Hill, Blackman, Christiana, Lascassas, Milton, Rockvale, or anywhere else outside of Murfreesboro. Chicken Salad Chick wants only Murfreesboro residents.

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

From Claibourne ***** to The Tribune: 

Hi Sam,

Tiffany passed along your email, as our South Florida office is currently closed because of the hurricane. Sorry if you’ve had trouble reaching someone! I’m available the rest of the day to speak more about the target market. You can reach me on my cell at ***-***-****.

Thanks,
Clay

From The Tribune to Claibourne *****:

Claibourne,

Unfortunately, a mob of rats chewed through our phone lines, so our phones are currently down.

I really just needed clarification on the target market. Is there anyone that Chicken Salad Chick is not targeting? In other words, certain people or areas that aren’t ideal customers?

We want to make sure our press release has the right information.

Sam.

From Claibourne ***** to The Tribune:

Sam,

Appreciate you wanting to get it right. Chicken Salad Chick in Mufreesboro welcomes all residents and visitors – near or far. We’re looking forward to sharing our delicious chicken salad with not only Murfreesboro, but all surrounding communities. Let me know if you have any additional questions.

Best,
Clay

From The Tribune to Claibourne *****:

Claibourne,

Received your message and we are very glad to hear that you will welcome anyone into the store. We were concerned for a minute about the Murfreesboro-only statement.

Please review the release below. We want to get this out today by 5:00 p.m. Let us know your thoughts as soon as you can. If we do not hear from you, we will run the release, as we believe it encompasses the all-inclusive mission you are shooting for.

Sam.

Big news for Murfreesboro chicken lovers! Chicken Salad Chick, the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

Most importantly, Chicken Salad Chick is an all-inclusive restaurant that will welcome all residents and visitors, near or far. The restaurant looks forward to sharing delicious chicken salad with not only Murfreesboro, but all surrounding communities. This includes transvestites, vagrants, hookers, and clowns.

On behalf of the Tribune, we are glad to have an all-inclusive restaurant in the area, who will serve anyone and everyone, regardless of violent criminal history or sex offender registry status.

Please stop by and welcome Chicken Salad Chick to the Neighborhood!

No response was received from Chicken Salad Chick, which means that the Tribune likely nailed the press release.

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

Local Republicans Confused by Trump, Start Grabbing Everyone’s Cats

October 10, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what Murfreesboro Police are calling a possible crime spree, local Republicans have suddenly and aggressively started grabbing cats out of the hands of unsuspecting female owners.

Authorities believe that the spike in feline theft has been caused by a possible misunderstanding of recently released recordings of a conversation between Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump and NBC Reporter Billy Bush.

In the tapes, Trump is heard saying the following:

And when you’re a star, [women] let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.

Local Republicans are confident that Donald Trump, the moral beacon of truth for the Republican Party, would never speak in a manner that belittles or objectifies women.

Republicans also made it clear that Donald Trump knows the Republican Rule: the only time it is appropriate to talk about a hoo-hah is when you’re telling a woman what to do with it.

Knowing that Bible Warrior Donald Trump would never speak in such a crude manner, Republicans are left to conclude that Trump is calling on his followers to simply grab women by the cat in their hands.

“Trump is all about Jesus and America,” said Robert Lee, a self-described Trump Disciple. “There ain’t no way that Trump would talk about lady parts like that.”

“Anyone who thinks Trump would use those words is probably just listening to the mainstream media,” said Annie Lee, Robert’s girlfriend and mother of their six born-out-of-wedlock children together. “That or listening to every public statement he has made over the past forty years.”

“When I met him, he called me Big Titties!” Lee continued. “What a caring man to notice my titties.”

The Tribune Investigative Team obtained a copy of a police report recently filed, which details an alleged assault and feline theft that took place on Saturday, October 8, 2016. In the report, Officer Lou Wensky writes:

On 10/8/2016, I responded to a call for help at the Murfreesboro Animal Hospital. I met with Ms. Jenn Flowers, who said that, as she walked to her car holding her cat Tally, a man wearing a jean jacket with a bedazzled American Flag and Bald Eagle on it, as well as a bright red had that read “Make America Great Again!” asked if she would like to go buy furniture. She thought he may be speaking to someone else.

The man suddenly approached her and yelled “don’t worry baby the women just let me,” grabbed Tally, and pulled violently. After Ms. Flowers refused to let go of Tally, the man turned and ran away.

The Local Republican Party could not be reached for comment. The entryway to the building was blocked by stray cats, undoubtedly collected through a faithful following of the words of their fearless leader.

Seize the Cats!

Your Co-Worker Has Shit To Do This Weekend, Wants to Tell You All About It

September 30, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Friday, which means that you get to leave these talentless ass-hats at work in your rearview mirror and retreat to your home, free from water cooler small talk, passive sexual advances, and the break room thief who keeps swiping your dessert out of the fridge.

And then there’s Patty, your fifty-three year old Human Resources Director who speaks more than the guy next to you on the plane last month who fully failed to comprehend the appropriateness of a conversation with someone who is both wearing headphones and asleep.

Patty approaches you and your friend, Michael, in the break room. Would we call Michael a friend? Maybe. He is the guy at work that you share the most in common with, but you’re not really sure if you’d talk to him if you saw him at Kroger this weekend, so who really knows?

Hey, Patty, you say, turning to allow Michael to say hello as well.

Michael is gone. You apparently were never friends and you certainly would not say hello at Kroger. That fucking traitor.

Patty then explains to you that this weekend happens to be the Tulip Festival in Fort Wilkins. Her family goes every year. They’re worried about the internet signal in the rural areas though, because her pug puppy, Marvin, is in a Facebook photo contest and needs as many likes as they can get.

But back to the Tulip Festival. Her husband is the one who looks forward to it the most, which leads you to believe that her husband may be going less to spend time with his wife and more to see that guy Lance, the Tulip King, who wins the contest every year, but that’s another story.

As Patty continues on, you look across the office and see Michael, Judas Iscariot incarnate, enjoying a conversation with Katelyn, a college intern at the office who is a pretty solid eight.

As you daydream about strangling the life out of Michael with your bare hands, Patty drones on about tulips and unicorns and whatever else your imagination brings into play.

It’s Friday, after all. The weekend will get here soon enough.

Sheriff Secures New Rent-Free Office as Inmate at Local Jail

September 28, 2016 /

NASHVILLE, TN – After years of hard work, Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold has moved his work station to the Davidson County Jail, securing a rent-free office as an inmate being held against his will.

Darnold has spent years working to obtain a rent-free jail cell, using such methods as the repeated commission of flagrant and public misconduct. Initially, Darnold simply allowed his officers to act inappropriately. However, Darnold soon realized that he would have to blend public corruption and private incompetency if he wanted to lock down a rent-free office in a local jail cell.

“The office of County Sheriff has a number of administrative functions,” Darnold told the media Wednesday, reading off a card to make sure he pronounces the big words right. “One part of my job is a budget, and I’ll tell you that moving my office to the jail will save this county some money.”

Darnold tried to move his office in May of this year after being indicted in federal court for fourteen counts of some pretty obvious criminal conduct. However, some do-gooder posted a bond so that he could not unpack in the jail. Now, after Darnold and his wife played truth or dare with a purple nurple double dare, a judge has finally seen enough and said that he should go to jail like any normal person in his same position would be forced to do.

“It’s a bold strategy to move his office to the jail,” said Murfreesboro resident John Doe, a Darnold supporter who was too embarrassed to release his true identity. “But Bob has made a habit of good decisions, as long as you don’t count the decisions that other people can see.”

Darnold’s new office is six feet wide and eight feet deep, with a rustic steel door and room for a small milk crate desk. The office also features a private restroom where others can just stand nearby and watch you poop.

While the office lacks natural light, there is alternate lighting available, which provides enough of a faint glow to remind those who use the office that it also serves as the jailhouse library and a place where dreams go to die.

The public reaction to the move has received a mixed response from the public. Some noted the reduced cost at the Davidson County Jail. Others pointed out that this man likely a fucking criminal so why the fuck are we still paying him a salary to be in jail?

Darnold informed the media that he intends to move the remainder of the Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office into the C-Block, where he is currently housed. When reached for comment, Sheriff’s Office employees said “Fuck Off, Bob! If you got a problem, come get us! Oh, that’s right. You can’t!”

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2024 The Murfreesboro Tribune

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑