Author: SamClemens (Page 8 of 13)

Elderly Facebook User Increasingly Suspicious of Fake News Site

December 12, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Eighty-two year old Eunice Mays, described as “an avid lover of crossword puzzles,” recently joined the social networking website Facebook and may be receiving more than she bargained for.

According to family and friends, Mays is increasingly upset by offensive and outlandish content posted by her twenty-nine year old grandson, Jake Mays, much of which stems from some newspaper called The Murfreesboro Tribune.

Jake recently shared an article titled “Report: All Racism and Crime Now Donald Trump’s Fault.” A Report in the article says that Donald Trump caused all racism and Eunice knows that what the article says just isn’t true! She has been using racial slurs for a solid eighty years!

“We are a little concerned about mom,” said Tim Mays, Eunice’s son and Jake’s father. “I’ve noticed that she is posting some aggressive comments on Jake’s posts. They seem to get her a little worked up.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered multiple Facebook comments from Eunice Mays, in which she expresses skepticism about the Murfreesboro Tribune.

In one such comment, Eunice called the Murfreesboro Tribune “The Devil’s Newsletter” and repeatedly warned her grandson that the newspaper isn’t real.

“I’m not sure if this is real,” Eunice commented on an article titled “Murfreesboro Mayor: Share This Post or the City Will Execute a Puppy.”

She wrote extensively about her love for puppies, adding “I just don’t think Shane McFarland would do that!”

The Murfreesboro Tribune reached out to Eunice for comment, but she refused to speak, saying that she isn’t sure if we are real or not.

UT Loses to Vanderbilt, Now Declares Itself “Champions of Yahtzee”

November 28, 2016 /

NASHVILLE, TN – The Vanderbilt Commodores defeated the Tennessee Volunteers on Saturday by a final score of 45-34. However, the most significant news story of the evening involved Head Coach Butch Jones, the Game of Life, and some self-created superlatives.

Last Monday, Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones started a firestorm when he told the media that, while the Volunteers have massively underperformed this season, his players “won the biggest championship– that’s the championship of life.”

When we talked about winning championships. They’re a champion. They’ve won the biggest championship— and that’s the championship of life.  Butch Jones, November 21, 2016.

In the days that followed, it became immensely clear that, instead of studying game film or practicing or preparing or doing football things or justifying his coaching salary in any way, Coach Jones had the Tennessee Volunteers playing hours upon hours of The Game of Life.

After the loss to Vanderbilt, Jones has made another monumental announcement, possibly putting Tennessee in position to play board games better than any senior center or ladies group in the entire Southeastern United States.

“These kids have fought so hard this season, and I’m damn proud of them,” said Jones. “They’ve worked hard enough to be more than the Champions of Life. They are now the Champions of Yahtzee.”

For his part, Jones seemed inexplicably pleased to rule the world in a game designed for eight year olds.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Board Game Research Bureau spent hours locked in a room with one box of Yahtzee and a whole lot of weed and we can confirm that this game is pretty damn easy.

Man Stabbed on Black Friday Over $3 Toaster: “Totally Worth it”

November 25, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A fight erupted at the Old Fort Parkway Walmart early Friday morning over a flash sale of low-quality off-brand toasters. During the fight, 46-year-old Jack Kerowitz got his hands on a toaster, but was stabbed twice in abdomen. According to Kerowitz, he came out a winner.

“I’m just excited to have got such a good deal,” said Kerowitz while strapped to an ambulance gurney, still bleeding from his stomach. “These things are normally ten dollars, and I got it for less than five!”

Walmart Security was unable to identify the perpetrator who stabbed Kerowitz in the stomach, but store employees have created a list of suspects, which includes Kerowitz’s own wife, who appeared upset at missing out on the toaster deal.

“I don’t really have nothing to say,” said Melanie Kerowitz, Jack’s wife, while she conspicuously folded a pocket knife and slid it into her purse. “I’m pretty upset I didn’t get a toaster and now I have to hear it from Jack that he got one and I didn’t.”

St. Thomas Rutherford confirmed that Jack Kerowitz was admitted to the hospital early Friday morning with non-life-threatening injuries and that he remains there, but declined to comment further, citing medical confidentiality.

Despite the hospital being jackasses about it, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team reached Kerowitz later Friday morning and he seemed to be in high spirits.

“You ever had soft bread before?” Kerowitz asked. “I don’t have to deal with that shit anymore. I’ll be here a couple days to get patched up, but this was totally worth it.”

Thanksgiving Facebook Post Cleverly Disguises Doomed Relationship

November 21, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – If Wendy Evans and her boyfriend, Jason Riker, are having relationship problems, social media won’t know about it thanks to a Facebook post from Evans, which informed the world that the two are deeply, madly, and forever in love.

On Monday, Evans posted the following on Facebook, apparently related to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, which convinced the entire Facebook universe that Evans and Riker have the perfect relationship:

wendy-evans

According to reports from friends and family, the relationship between Evans and Riker has been on the rocks for about three years now, resulting in six broken engagements, three police calls, and frequent emotionally panicked calls to friends and family members.

Thanks to the Thanksgiving Facebook post by Evans, friends and family of both Evans and Riker believe that the entire relationship has fixed itself and that nothing is wrong.

“There’s no way that two people who hate each other could post such a nice thing on Facebook,” said Cindy King, Wendy’s mother. “I mean, look at that post! These two are so in love.”

“Makes sense,” said Ken Evans, Wendy’s father. “I know the two were fighting the day before the post and about three minutes after the post, but now we know it’s all perfect.”

Wendy was last seen at a coffee shop with three friends, unleashing on the friends about all of Jason’s bad habits and how she needs to leave him right now.

This story is developing.

Sheriff Darnold Suspended, Can Now Focus 100% on Jail Shank Whittling

November 14, 2016 /

PRISONVILLE, KY – A federal judge ruled Monday that embattled Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold will be suspended from his position without pay, effective immediately, which paves the way for Darnold to focus on his newly-acquired prison career: shank whittling.

Darnold has been incarcerated in federal prison in Kentucky for several weeks now, during which time the taxpayers in Tennessee have continued to pay his salary.

While being paid full salary, Darnold lived the life of an inmate, spending time in the rec yard, rolling cigarettes with the homies, and, most importantly, whittling fashionable-but-affordable prison shanks.

Now that a federal judge has removed Darnold from any job responsibilities related to law enforcement, which he hadn’t really been doing anyways, Darnold can focus solely on his budding shank empire. According to insider sources and current friends in prison, the average prison shank sells for two cartons of cigarettes or six days of hired protection.

“It’s a great day for the taxpayers of Tennessee,” said some nameless attorney who represented some nosy taxpayers. “We can now move forward in this case with peace of mind that Sheriff Darnold is handling only prison sales.”

“Let me clarify,” said attorney-lady, quickly recognizing that her words may be confusing. “He can focus on prison sales of shanks, not e-cigarettes.”

Sheriff Darnold seemed relieved at the ruling, as if suddenly liberated from the mindless tasks of operating one of the largest employers in Rutherford County and instantly allowed to devote his full attention to his passion for stabby jail things.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was unable to reach Sheriff Darnold for comment. He was last spotted filling out Mad Libs in his jail cell.

Social Media Genuinely Interested in Your Political Views

November 14, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to witness statements collected from hundreds of people you know, the entire community, and possibly the entire nation, is deeply interested in your personal political views.

“I love it,” said your Aunt Jane. “When you get online and rant about a political candidate or decide to tell me I’m an idiot if I don’t agree with you, it is so refreshing!”

Statements mentioned a number of favorite parts of your political ramblings, including news stories, YouTube videos, unproven statistics, and unfounded allegations of racism and sexism.

“I am so proud of you,” said your Mother, who you called racist last week while in the midst of a Twitter meltdown. “You take a stand and refuse to back down, even if it means torching bridges with important people in your life.”

Your employer is also solidly behind you, noting that the company is thrilled to employ someone who shows zero restraint online, as if statements posted online can’t be linked back to your profile, which has your name, picture, city, and employer.

“It’s a bold strategy,” said your employer. “But we love to see our employees out there attacking people. It shows tenacity. And a general disregard for their own reputation.”

Keep it up. You are great and the world cares about your political views!

Report: All Racism and Crime Now Donald Trump’s Fault

November 10, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a report issued by the Middle Tennessee State University Department of Important Department Titles, the election of Donald J. Trump as President of the United States has created some devastating consequences.

According to the Trump Report, the world is now faced with the sudden advent of violent crime, sexual assault, and racism, none of which existed before this election.

“I just can’t believe this,” said Kylee James, a nineteen year old Hillary Clinton supporter, who has clearly lived long enough to make a profound statement on race relations. “The police say that people are being raped and mugged every day, and my friends say that none of this occurred before Trump was elected.”

“I was walking to my car last week, and someone yelled ‘go back to Mexico!'” said Julio Rodriguez, a Central American high school student. “I’m not even Mexican, but my heart still hurts because I know that, before Trump, no one was ever racist.”

Records obtained from the Murfreesboro Police Department showed that, since the election of Donald Trump, there have been several crimes committed, including drug abuse, rape, and theft. The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that these crimes were committed after Trump was elected president, which means that these crimes were caused by him and his followers.

Many violent and racist activities are being logged by Twitter users in a collection titled “Day One in Trump America.” The collection provides a series of disturbing events that must have never happened before, including yelling racial slurs and kids getting in fights at school over racial taunting.

It is fairly clear to the Murfreesboro Tribune that none of this has ever happened before and that this is all Trump’s fault.

Please go back where you came from, Trump. This world can’t survive if people commit crime or make racist statements. Society will end as we know it.

From the Street: Voters Celebrate Historic Hillary Clinton Victory

November 9, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what analysts are calling the most celebrated election since Harold Jackson was voted Chairman of the Board of Oscar Mayer, Inc., Hillary Clinton will ride a wave of social media posts and public support on Election Night to a presumed United States Presidency.

This article is being written at 5:00 p.m. Central Time on Tuesday, as the writer of this article has a date with a bottle of Tito’s Vodka, a pack of Slim Jims, and some hanky panky with Jazminn from BackPage (she is only dancing to pay her way through college).

To celebrate this monumental milestone, which social media spheres, media pundits, and paid pollsters (who do this for a living, as their only job, by the way) have all but guaranteed, we took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about Hillary Clinton’s inevitable victory in the United States Presidential Election?

“Wow. Just wow. I’m so glad that America finally woke up and agreed with everything I say. Let’s be real. If you don’t agree with HRC or my views on this, you’re a vicious race-baiting sexist bastard who only lives on white privilege anyways. Good job, America!”
Hailey Marks, College Student

“It’s awesome! It’s so good to know that the media, pollsters, and all my friends agree that this thing is over! I’m turning off my phone for the night and I’m just going to celebrate this milestone. Nothing can stop us now! Let’s go Hillary!”
Mark Rollins, Hair Stylist

from-the-street-11“I’m just so glad that the small amount of people in this country who support Trump are getting what they deserve. Those racist, xenophobic, backwards country hicks can take the Southern states and shove it. No way that places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Florida, or Arizona support Trump. It’s over!”
Melanie Hix, Real Estate Agent

“Uhh, shouldn’t we wait a second before celebrating? What if Trump wins?”
Jake Rogers, Racist Woman-Hating Monster

 

Man Posts Impassioned Election Day Plea, Facebook Friends Completely Ignore It

November 8, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Early Tuesday morning, Mark Kendall took to Facebook to share his deep, thoughtful, provocative, and insightful analysis of the 2016 United States Presidential Election, urging his friends to avoid voting for the other side, whose candidate lacks both morality and general decency.

His Facebook friends completely ignored it.

“I’m proud of Mark for really putting himself out there,” said Loretta Kendall, Mark’s mother, who is the one person to read the post. “He is such an ambitious boy.”

Mark’s post blended emotion, compassion, anger, and urgency, creating a call to action that everyone avoided in its entirety.

“YOU have the power to shape the future of America,” the post reads. “There is no way you can vote for someone with no morals. This country won’t survive.”

Several of Mark’s Facebook friends spoke with the Tribune under strict anonymity.

Jay Barnum, a 33-year-old software designer and lifelong friend of Mark’s up until Mark finds out what he said in this interview, said that he isn’t reading the post because he already voted.

Katrina Pierce, a family friend of the Kendalls until her statement gets out to the public, said she just doesn’t know enough about the election to care.

Mark continues on in life, blissfully ignorant that the eight likes on his Facebook post were put there out of pity from people who knew that no one would read the damn thing.

Police Investigating Spike in Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans

November 3, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating a breakout of “Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans” throughout Rutherford County.

Around 11:00 p.m. last night, authorities claim that social media erupted with unprecedented fits of Cubs fandom, often from individuals who had never before posted about the Chicago Cubs.

“It’s important for the community to remain calm,” said MPD Spokesman Harry Kerry. “We are confident that these lifelong Cubs fans will soon lose interest, especially if the Cubs stop winning.”

Social media posts were often accompanied by references to curses and billy goats, which has caused authorities to label the breakout as some kind of sorcery or witchcraft.

“We aren’t taking these reports lightly,” added Kerry. “Animal sacrifice and rituals is a hot button issue in this town and we will investigate fully.”

Reports indicate that the typical Lifelong Cubs Fan is a lifelong resident of Middle Tennessee, tied to the Chicago Cubs by nothing except a television and a desire to be part of an underdog story. Lifelong Cubs Fans also often have a fabricated story from their childhood that loosely ties them to the franchise, providing an excuse for shameless bandwagon hopping.

An unnamed source in the Murfreesboro Police Department indicated that police expect the spike in Lifelong Cubs Fans to decline quickly, as Lifelong Cubs Fans turn to other sports and remember that they are also Lifelong Alabama Football Fans, Lifelong Kentucky Basketball Fans, and Lifelong Dallas Cowboys Fans.

The author of this article has looked at ESPN once and decided that he too is a Lifelong Cubs Fan. That looks like fun! Scoot on over and make room on the bandwagon, boys and girls. It’s great to cheer for a champion!

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